DOGC Ch 16

He hastily packed his clothes, money, and the bag he had bought at the market before, and left the room. Until he carefully closed the door, Ryu Yeonho showed no sign of waking up. This time, it seemed he wasn’t pretending to be asleep but was truly in a deep slumber.

Leaving the annex building, he lightly washed up and then put on the clothes he had picked up. Ryu Yeonho still hadn’t shown himself. He told the grandmother, who was preparing breakfast, that he was just stepping out for a bit.

“Are you sure it’s alright to leave without eating anything? Still, your complexion looks a fair bit better than yesterday.”

It was a regrettable thing to say, but just smelling the food made his stomach churn. Should he get some stomach medicine too? There wasn’t a single part of his body that was okay.

“I’m fine. I’ll be back soon.”

After forcing a smile and saying goodbye, Seorim put on his shoes and left the yard.

Leaving the guesthouse, he walked with his neck hunched, as if fumbling for the ground with the tips of his toes. Both hands were thrust deep into his jacket pockets. Inside the thin fabric, he could feel the pill bottle and a few banknotes.

“…Nothing bad will happen, right?”

He muttered as if to himself. Since there wasn’t a decent hospital in the village, he had to take a bus to get to the city.

The bus stop was located on a small flat area next to the supermarket at the village entrance. A yellowed route map was dangling under a simple awning. It felt like his thighs would get wet from the humidity if he sat on the plastic chair.

They said that in the countryside, sometimes not even two buses run all day. Should he have checked the schedule before coming out?

Waiting for the bus that he didn’t know when would arrive, Seorim chewed on the inside of his lip. The memories of the night, which he couldn’t possibly tell anyone, kept floating around in his mind.

Why his body had reacted that way, why the suppressants hadn’t worked.

While he was lost in thought, a bus luckily rolled in along with a cloud of dust. Seorim tightly gripped the strap of the black bag he was holding. The bus door opened, and a warm draft from the heater leaked out.

The tips of his toes trembled. The steps he took up the bus stairs felt particularly heavy.

🦅

He got off at the stop that looked the most like a downtown area among the ones it passed through, and somehow found his way to a hospital.

It was a rather large hospital that used an entire building. As the automatic glass doors opened, the smell of disinfectant clinging to the air pierced the tip of his nose. Since it was a weekday morning, there weren’t many people.

He would use an alias for his name, and just in case, he wouldn’t use his insurance. He went through a mental simulation of how to register.

All he had to do was get omega-specific contraceptive pills, get a new prescription for suppressants, and leave. It was nothing special, yet it was strange how he kept feeling so distraught.

A staff member was the first to spot him loitering in front of the registration counter. A woman looking at Seorim from behind thin glasses spoke to him kindly.

“Would you like to register?”

“Yes.”

“Please tell me your name and date of birth.”

His fingertips trembled minutely. When he gave a made-up name and date of birth, the staff member nodded without any suspicion and typed something into the computer.

“And your secondary gender?”

“Omega. Is it possible to be treated without insurance?”

“You mean you won’t be using the national health insurance, and will pay out of pocket?”

“Yes.”

If he used his insurance, it would be troublesome if his fabricated identity was discovered. The staff member tilted her head but, perhaps deciding it was nothing unusual, answered lightly.

“Yes, then you are registered. Please wait on the chairs inside for a moment.”

Her smiling face was, paradoxically, a little painful. An ordinary day, ordinary registration, ordinary people. He felt like a person pushed out from all that ‘ordinariness.’ Because he didn’t know how to fit into that ordinary world.

After registering, he sat down. One by one, names that were not his were called. Seorim blankly stared at the monitor displaying various names, killing time.

The hospital was quiet, but the wait was longer than he expected.

It wasn’t a heat cycle, and he had taken suppressants. Was his body just temporarily out of sorts because he was tired? Or was it truly broken beyond repair? Was the nausea something like stress-induced gastritis?

In the time he spent digging through such idle thoughts about a dozen times, a name that was not his own was called.

“Mr. Lee Jeongnam, please come in.”

Seorim, who wasn’t used to being called by his father’s name, didn’t react, so the staff member cupped her hands around her mouth and called out again.

“Mr. Lee Jeongnam.”

“Ah, yes.”

Seorim, who got up late, walked toward the consultation room he was directed to. As he pushed the door and entered, a middle-aged female doctor in a white coat looked up and met his eyes. She had a calm and restrained expression.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“I think my suppressants aren’t working well.”

“Did you bring the suppressants you’re using?”

“Yes, here.”

Seorim took a white pill bottle out of his bag and handed it to her. The doctor who received the medicine observed it carefully and then typed something into the computer.

“This is a suppressant commonly prescribed to omegas. Since when has it been ineffective?”

“It was fine usually, but when I took it the day before yesterday, it had no effect at all.”

“Any other symptoms? Did you hurt anywhere else?”

“I felt a bit nauseous. I couldn’t really eat.”

Tap, tap. The sound of the doctor typing on the keyboard stiffly filled the consultation room. She scrolled the mouse wheel a few times and then nodded to herself.

“Looking at your condition, it would be good to have some basic tests done.”

“Yes? What kind of…”

“A blood test and a urine test. The results come out quickly.”

Why a blood test and a urine test? The question rose to the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t spit it out. The anxiety that had been rustling up instantly spread throughout his entire body.

A nurse came in and tied a rubber band around Seorim’s arm. Soon, a sharp needle painfully pierced his skin. Bright red blood half-filled the syringe. His head was so numb that the scene of the blood filling up didn’t feel real.

No way, no way.

It can’t be.

While denying it more than ten times in his head, he couldn’t shake the feeling of his heart sinking.

With the instruction to wait for a moment, Seorim was sent out of the consultation room. The time spent sitting on a chair waiting for the results felt like an eternity. The tips of his fingers trembled repeatedly.

It can’t be.

He clutched his flat lower abdomen. Nothing will have happened. These are just symptoms that appeared due to his poor physical condition because his body was originally weak and he had suffered a lot recently.

He wanted to know the results quickly, yet at the same time, he wanted to run away from this place. Seorim couldn’t do either and just looked down at the white hospital floor.

His heart trembled, and his vision shook. Nothing was clearly confirmed yet, but his stomach was churning with fear.

How much time had passed?

“Mr. Lee Jeongnam. The results are out. You can go into the consultation room.”

The unwelcome call fell upon his head. Seorim sat on the chair for a moment, then stood up with a dazed expression. He couldn’t run away. He couldn’t avoid it.

When he returned to the consultation room, the doctor was wearing a vague smile. Before she could say anything, Seorim spoke first.

“Um, could you also prescribe me an emergency contraceptive pill? I had intercourse without contraception yesterday. Please.”

“A contraceptive pill?”

The doctor asked back and looked at Seorim. A brief silence fell. Those few seconds were maddeningly long.

A silence that killed time, a moment that choked his breath.

“Taking a contraceptive pill won’t do any good. You are pregnant.”

His ears went numb.

As if someone had blocked his ear canals with their hands from under the water. His throat burned, and a cold sweat ran down his spine.

“It’s early. You’re about two months along. It’s better not to take suppressants either. This is the time you need to be most careful.”

Seorim stood upright, unable to react at all. He couldn’t even nod his head, just blinking his eyes. He felt a tingling sensation on his cheeks. It didn’t feel real.

But the expression on the doctor sitting across from him was all too real. That smile, tinged with a beautiful sympathy, was not conveying any comfort or congratulations, but the facts as they were. That’s why it felt even harsher.

When was it?

His vision flashed. A lump rose in his throat. But his emotions were suspended in a halfway state, and he couldn’t even cry. As if his tear ducts were broken, Seorim just took a dry breath.

“You probably haven’t had any signs of heat for quite some time. Because you don’t get heat when you’re pregnant… Do you have a guardian?”

The doctor asked carefully. He doesn’t get heat when he’s pregnant, yet his body had been hot yesterday; could it be that his weakened body needed his paired alpha’s pheromones? Seorim slowly shook his head. His mouth was so dry that his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and wouldn’t come off.

At that reaction, the doctor gave him a look of pity.

“Don’t take contraceptive pills or suppressants from now on. The nausea is a symptom of morning sickness. It will be severe in the early stages of pregnancy and then gradually get better.”

“…”

“Even if you can’t eat well, please make sure to eat your meals for the baby in your belly.”

The baby in my belly?

Seorim slowly lowered his gaze toward his abdomen. There was no sensation, and he couldn’t feel anything yet, but the doctor said something was alive inside.

That a life, a mix of his blood and someone else’s, was growing.

“But, my belly, it hasn’t come out.”

“It’s still early, and you’re so thin that it might not be noticeable. Your belly will start to show a little soon.”

A strange life form was sprouting beneath the skin of his belly. Gradually, Seorim’s face turned white. The strong thought of just wanting to get out of this place arose.

“I took, the contraceptive pills, diligently, though.”

“That can happen. Sometimes, rarely, the pill isn’t absorbed properly, or the timing is a little off. Or, very rarely, if your secondary genders manifest strongly with each other. There’s no such thing as a perfect pill in this world.”

The doctor’s calm explanation could not have sounded more cruel.

The explanation continued after that, but he couldn’t hear any more. The doctor’s voice was like a speaker from behind a wave. Only the sound of the words lingered; the meaning had vanished.

After leaving the consultation room, Seorim sank onto a plastic chair placed on one side of the hospital corridor. It was difficult to take even a single step, as if a lead weight were attached to the tips of his toes.

His lips were white and dry, as if the blood had stopped circulating. He couldn’t breathe. It felt as if the air were empty.

He was pregnant.

The fact before him was simple. Contraception and all, he was already pregnant, and the reason he couldn’t eat was morning sickness. Suppressants were meaningless.

He had hoped it was a misdiagnosis, but there was no wavering in the doctor’s eyes. There was conviction in her gaze as she looked at the medical chart recorded under the name ‘Lee Jeongnam.’ And there was pity.

Seorim curled his body. The words that something was growing inside him felt like they were tightening around his bones.

He thought he had escaped the black sea, but he felt like he had been swept up in a huge wave again. No matter how much he struggled, he couldn’t even tell which way was up and which was down. His vision swam.

How could this happen. He had made sure to take his contraceptive pills without missing a cycle.

Seorim raised his arms over his knees and buried his face. He wished he would just evaporate, as if he were isolated from the world. No, he shouldn’t be the only one to disappear. He wished the life in his belly would be erased along with him. The thought made him feel momentarily dirty and horrifying.

He got up and took a sip of water from the water dispenser. The sensation of cold water entering his parched mouth briefly brought his consciousness back to reality.

Just sitting here like this wouldn’t solve anything. A wave of fatigue washed over him. The smell of medicine wafting from inside the building made him feel nauseous.

Seorim slowly walked out of the hospital door.

The sunlight was still warm, and cars passed on the road as on any other day. People were eating, talking on the phone, laughing. As always, he was the only one who was a mess.

He staggered to the bus stop and checked the route. There was only one bus that went to the seaside village.

His eyes met with a child sitting at the bus stop. The child looked at Seorim and smiled brightly. Unconsciously, he placed a hand on his flat stomach.

Something like that will come out, from here?

His mother who made a living selling fish, his father who ran away after passing on his debts, Oh Yeonji who ran a restaurant and raised a child alone, Chairman Ryu’s second wife who went mad over Ryu Yeonwoo, the deceased Chairman Ryu.

The numerous parents he had brushed past came to mind. Which of them did Baek Seorim resemble?

🦅

The bus arrived, and Seorim climbed the stairs. He sat in the window seat one row from the very back.

His face, leaning against the bus window, touched the glass. His cheek shook slightly with the vibration. Inside the quiet bus, the low sound of the radio, the engine noise, and one question spreading softly in his mind.

Then who did I make this child with?

The scenery outside the window didn’t enter his eyes. His mind was too loud. His pupils, lowered as if scraping the floor, lost focus and trembled.

Chairman Ryu, or Ryu Yeonho.

Those were the only two people he had had sex with recently. The number of times he had slept with the former was much higher, so wasn’t it more likely that the child was of Chairman Ryu’s bloodline?

But Chairman Ryu was dead. He had died while choking him, collapsing after being hit on the head with a lamp right in front of him. Had the child in his belly been watching that whole scene too?

Seorim covered his face with his palms. The feeling of nausea rising once again climbed up his throat. No matter how much he agonized over what to do in his mind, no answer came.

The past days, when he had been completely unaware that such a huge disaster was growing under the skin of his belly, seemed endlessly laughable.

What should I have done? How could I have avoided this disaster?

He didn’t know. The bus continued to shake, heading somewhere. He wasn’t ready for anything yet, but the scenery kept changing.

A few stops passed, and people got off one by one. Now, only Seorim, the driver, and the world passing by outside the window were left in the vehicle.

The sunset fell over the vast rice paddies and green ridges. The sun had already begun to set, and the sky was turning red like the peel of a tangerine.

He had already passed the place where he should have gotten off. To be honest, he had no desire to return to the guesthouse. He didn’t want to face anyone he knew. Especially not Ryu Yeonho, no, perhaps him most of all.

The doors opened and closed repeatedly. Even the sound of the wind hitting the window now felt empty.

The surroundings were quiet, but only he was bustling inside. With thoughts, with guilt, with anxiety, with despair. All of it pressed down on Seorim.

Time passed, and the bus eventually reached its last stop.

The terminus was near a secluded beach where no human shadows or familiar scenery could be seen. Seorim got up dazedly and staggered off the bus.

As soon as he got off, the salty-smelling wind brushed fiercely against his face. The tip of his nose tingled.

The ground was uneven, as if mixed with gravel and sand. Seorim walked slowly, like a person who had lost his balance. With a dazed face, not even knowing where he was going.

As the sun slowly set, the waves reflected the light coming through a gap in the clouds. Standing in front of it, he looked particularly small.

“Why does it keep turning out like this.”

A small voice was carried away by the wind. There was no one to hear, no one to answer.

“Did I do something wrong…”

Muttering as if asking himself, he suddenly felt his breath catch in his throat. It felt as if the empty air were choking him.

He had just lived. Because he was born, because he couldn’t die, he had just somehow struggled and clung to the thread of life.

What he wished for wasn’t something big. He just wanted to spend an ordinary day that everyone else enjoys. He wanted to taste a life where he could laze around in bed in the morning, get up, work, eat dinner, and fall asleep dreaming of tomorrow.

Not a life of hiding, avoiding, and running away screaming.

“Of all things, why.”

Such a life could exist. A life that is only painful and only unfair could exist. But why did it have to be Baek Seorim? Why do all the terrible and unlucky things in the world only happen to him?

Something caught Seorim’s eye as he wandered along the beach. It was a large, blackish rock. On the small sign in front of it, the words ‘The Rock That Grants Wishes’ were written.

It seemed like a failed attempt to create a tourist attraction. Who would come all the way to this remote village to see such an insignificant rock?

Seorim looked down at the rock and then sank down in front of it. He reached out and stroked its rough surface.

Of course, he didn’t believe in superstitions like wishes being granted at all. He wasn’t praying, he was just trying to talk. If there is a sky, then please listen. That I have this wish.

The wind grew a little stronger. Seorim pressed his forehead against the rock and muttered.

“Please make it disappear, without anyone in the world knowing.”

That when he closed his eyes now and opened them again, everything would be swept away by the waves. He didn’t even wish for happiness, just that the hardship would stop.

The whisper was buried in the sound of the waves and disappeared. Seorim kept his eyes closed and tightly shut his mouth.

He was in the middle of spewing out a lump of emotions along with the waves that came in and went out.

The sound of footsteps scraping the sand quietly approached.

“Baek Seorim.”

Seorim flinched. His eyes were still stubbornly closed. The sound he heard was not his own, so it was clearly a voice from another person. Moreover, it was the voice of someone who had now become all too familiar to Seorim.

“Where is it that you keep trying to run away to.”

He couldn’t help but open his eyes. With his red-rimmed, teary eyes, Seorim looked up at the uninvited guest.