NCBF Ch 30

However, even while having this and that conversation with Park Seungjun, Hyun Gyujin kept coming to mind. Even when he thought the tteokbokki was delicious, the thought that he wanted to eat it together with Hyun Gyujin arose, and even when going to a cafe together to order, he thought of Hyun Gyujin, who always ordered his favorite mango yogurt smoothie on his own, causing him to space out for a moment.

And the same was true right now as he headed home alone. This road going from the academy district to home was a path he had walked together with Hyun Gyujin most of the time, really with the exception of once or twice out of a hundred times. Walking together under the lined-up streetlights, they had drunk bubble tea, and they had also eaten fish-shaped pastry or waffles sold on the street.

“…”

In the end, Yuwon, who faced himself fallen into thoughts of Hyun Gyujin again, let out a deep sigh. Was eating dinner with another kid like this and avoiding facing Hyun Gyujin for a while really having an effect? As he trudged along, the apartment suddenly came into view. Yuwon crossed the street, entered the complex, steeled his heart once more, and moved his steps toward the apartment’s main communal entrance.

Since it was 15 minutes before tutoring started, it seemed that if he went home, changed his clothes first, brushed his teeth, poured three cups of juice, and prepared things like the cookies his dad had bought, the timing would roughly align. With the thought that he should have come home a bit faster, Yuwon, who stepped off as the elevator doors opened, faced Hyun Gyujin, who was standing leaning against the emergency staircase entrance.

“Move quickly when you commute.”

“…What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for you.”

“…You could have gone inside.”

“What am I going to do going inside when nobody’s there.”

Yuwon pressed the password with his tingling fingertips. Because he heard the sound of Hyun Gyujin moving and drawing closer, his attention kept shifting behind his back.

“…I’ll change my clothes and come out.”

Stepping into the front entrance, Yuwon stole a glance back at Hyun Gyujin. Lacking the confidence to meet his eyes, his gaze was fixed on Hyun Gyujin’s fingers instead.

“What did you eat for dinner.”

“…Tteokbokki. You know that new place that opened in the academy district. That place we saw last time. There were a lot of toppings to add. Next time, together….”

Yuwon, who shut his mouth at the thought that he had said words he didn’t strictly need to say, passed down the hallway and entered his room. Since Hyun Gyujin was coming this way following behind him, Yuwon, who was standing unable to even close the door, looked up at Hyun Gyujin, who approached right up to the front of the room and stopped.

“Together what.”

“…”

“If you started, you should speak properly. Why do you keep blurring the ends? You keep doing that lately?”

“…I said let me go together next time.”

At the gaze dropping heavily onto his face, strength went into the hand gripping the doorknob. Yuwon looked at Hyun Gyujin, who pulled the doorknob from the outside to close the door for him without an answer, and soon looked at the door that had closed.

“Hurry up and change your clothes. There’s no time.”

Hyun Gyujin’s voice was heard from outside the closed door. Even though he knew the door was closed so Gyujin couldn’t see inside, Yuwon somehow felt as if Hyun Gyujin were right in front of his eyes.

“…”

Setting down his bag, Yuwon took off his school uniform jacket and hung it behind the chair, then unbuttoned his cardigan. Next, he unfastened his tie, and unbuttoned his uniform shirt, pop, pop…. Every time he unbuttoned one, his gaze kept turning toward the closed door.

Slipping the uniform shirt off his shoulders to pull his arms out, he put on a sweatshirt over the thin t-shirt he wore inside. Then, looking toward the door for no reason, he quickly changed his pants as well.

Roughly gathering his disheveled school uniform and slinging it over the chair’s armrest, Yuwon carefully opened the bedroom door. Hyun Gyujin was still standing leaning against the hallway wall in front of the door. Yuwon, who stepped out hesitantly, passed in front of him and entered the bathroom. Then he closed the door slightly, turned on the water full blast, and exhaled the long breath trapped in his mouth.

“…”

His heart beat fast enough to feel sore. He thought that perhaps if he had just eaten dinner normally with Hyun Gyujin instead, he wouldn’t have felt this suffocating feeling. Though regretting it was completely useless.

If there were no tutoring, he would wash up as slowly as possible before going out, but there was no time to lounge around. Yuwon quickly brushed his teeth, washed his hands cleanly, checked his face one last time, and left the bathroom. Even until then, Hyun Gyujin was standing quietly leaning against that wall in that hallway.

“…It’s time for the tutor to arrive. What… do you want to drink? Juice? Coffee?”

Even though he wasn’t particularly the talkative type, Hyun Gyujin, who usually talked more than Yuwon when they were together, was quiet, making the atmosphere feel even more awkward. Yuwon intentionally started a light conversation first while heading to the kitchen. But Hyun Gyujin didn’t answer that.

“…”

With a nervous and thumping heart, Yuwon took out juice from the refrigerator and poured it into cups. Even though it was just the two of them, the house was so quiet that the sound of pouring juice sounded exceedingly loud.

“Jeong Yuwon. You….”

The moment Hyun Gyujin’s low voice echoed, the doorbell rang simultaneously. Yuwon quickly went out to the front entrance and opened the door. Bowing his head deeply in greeting to Lee Junseo, who smiled and greeted as usual knowing nothing, Yuwon entered the tutoring room together with him. He felt Hyun Gyujin following inside behind his back. Yuwon sincerely wished that this tutoring hour would never end.

How wonderful would it be if he had the ability to freeze time or jump through it. Yuwon, who faced Hyun Gyujin alone once again while even thinking such ridiculous thoughts, gulped down a mouthful of the remaining orange juice.

“Jeong Yuwon, is something really going on with you? Why are you like this lately.”

“…What about me?”

“At the slightest thing you just leave a single text saying you’re going to school first and go away, you can’t even eat well when eating meals, and the moment I look elsewhere for a second you disappear.”

“School is… because I have a lot of academy homework….”

“How long are you going to keep harping on about homework. Did you suddenly start going to the academy a few days ago? You’ve been going since the beginning of the semester. Do you think I don’t know the pattern of how you do your academy homework? Fine, whatever. Let me give you all that. Let’s say that’s true. Then why are you avoiding me?”

At the words flowing out directly, Yuwon’s eyes widened roundly. He thought he was doing it naturally in his own way, but as expected, it seemed everything was obvious. Knowing that from Hyun Gyujin’s perspective, seeing such a sight was something to feel extremely displeased about, not a single word came out easily. Honestly, it was more accurate to say he didn’t know where to start talking, nor what kind of words he should say.

“…Lately I’m… a bit…. I told you. I can’t concentrate either… and I keep waking up from sleep, and other thoughts keep coming up….”

“…”

“…My heart feels a bit… strange….”

This was the absolute limit. He had no choice but to pray that Gyujin wouldn’t ask why it was strange. Feeling like crying, Yuwon lowered his head. Foolishly, his eyes grew hot with tears.

“What…. Is it because you’re worried about becoming a high school senior?”

“…Huh?”

“Like that tutor said, are you feeling pressured by thoughts of college?”

“…”

“Hey, even so, is it okay to not even eat meals properly and all that? What, do you feel like I’ve given up on studying, so you don’t even feel like talking about that kind of stuff with me?”

Looking at Hyun Gyujin worrying about him, Yuwon felt guilt. Although it was a slightly different nuance from the guilt he felt when doing this and that with his friend in his dreams, still, it was so absurd that the emotions he felt most when looking at Hyun Gyujin recently were fluttering excitement and guilt—and he felt guilty even for that.

“I told you I’m going to attend the academy with you starting next year, too. I told you I’m going to go to college, right? I’m going to get a grip and study too. So you can talk about that kind of stuff to me, too.”

“…”

“What, are those bastards you go to the academy with that much different? It’s all the same thing anyway.”

At the touch gently grasping his shoulder, the tips of his feet inside his socks curled inward once again. Boundless guilt rushed in, messing up Yuwon’s heart. Seeing Hyun Gyujin worrying about him made him feel so sorry yet so flustered that he couldn’t say a single word.

“Are you going to go early tomorrow too?”

“…Nooo….”

“Then I’m coming down at the time I usually go.”

“…”

“Huh?”

“…Yeah.”

“I’m going. Rest up. Don’t come out.”

Hyun Gyujin, who ticklishly tapped Yuwon’s cheek, headed for the front entrance. Yuwon stood there quietly, and only after hearing the sound of the door opening and closing at the end of the fading footsteps did he exhale the breath trapped inside his mouth.

He got past it this time like this, but what would happen next time? If Gyujin felt him keeping his distance again, would Hyun Gyujin try hard to understand him then too?

Though it had not come yet, recalling that day in the near future that was bound to come made his head throb with pain.