MERRY 42

There are more than just one or two reasons why you piss me off, but the first among them is a riddle I simply cannot solve.

I don’t know what these actions of yours mean, nor do I know why you’re doing this. You know everything about me, but I’m surrounded by things I don’t know about you! I have no idea what kind of person you are right now. I’m even starting to get confused about who you were in the past.

I couldn’t control my rage. I brought Jonas’s gift inside the house, but I turned away, leaving Ethan’s hanging on the doorknob. I hurried down to the first floor and went outside. The black sedan that had been missing all day appeared and was parked in front of the apartment.

“You stalker prick!”

Without hesitation, I raised my voice and began pounding on the passenger side door. Even as the apartment doorman watched, I didn’t care and was about to add a few kicks when I heard the sound of the lock clicking open from inside. To this dry invitation, I responded by opening the door immediately.

I got into the car and glared at Ethan. A sense of tranquility radiated from him. It felt as if he were in a different world from mine, where I was on the verge of losing my mind.

“Hello.”

My insides twisted with resentment at the way he greeted me so casually. Even seeing me fuming like a wild colt, he remained unruffled. It seemed the moans I’d let slip into the bug yesterday hadn’t dealt him any blow at all. I felt frustrated and humiliated.

I imagine what it would be like to strip right in front of him. To show off my firm, rippling muscles and smooth skin. If I gripped my heavy cock and rubbed it until it was hard and dangling, Ethan would probably just pull my pants up and dress me. Damn it. Saint-like bastard. In the years you’ve lived ascetically, you must have turned into a eunuch.

Even as I poured out curses full of malice, my mood didn’t improve. I touched the corner of my crooked mouth—with my middle finger standing tall.

“That’s a fresh greeting.”

“If that looks like a greeting to you, why don’t you buy a new pair of glasses?”

To my blunt retort, Ethan coolly said he would do just that. He seemed to be brushing it off because it was a hassle to deal with my nitpicking.

“You’re already a huge eyesore, and I’m currently debating what to point out first, so don’t give me more to talk about.”

Ethan’s attitude was receptive this time as well. Shutting his mouth obediently, he just quietly took in my gaze. The shadows cast on his beautiful face clearly defined his expressionless features.

It doesn’t suit you. You look much better when you smile. Especially when you look at me and laugh as if you can’t help yourself.

But the man now feels like someone whose facial muscles have frozen, rendering him unable to show emotion. He possesses an achromatic energy, so much so that it’s a wonder his emerald eyes haven’t lost their color. He’s boring and dull.

The fact that he still draws my eye despite that is just plain offensive. I let my grudge grow further toward him as he naturally stole my attention. Like a snowball rolling through a midwinter field, it swelled in an instant until it was massive enough to trigger an avalanche.

Today, now, at this very moment, our relationship might just crumble down.

I accepted that premonition humbly and opened my mouth.

“You’re a brilliant idiot. You have a good memory, but your thinking is zero. Flowers? A letter? I don’t even need this nice jacket that you probably couldn’t have picked with your taste. I won’t ask how you bypassed security to get to my front door. I don’t want to be celebrated by you, so take it back.”

Ethan, who had been listening in silence, sluggishly scratched an eyebrow.

“If you don’t need it, throw it away.”

“I don’t need it. But, but… you know I won’t throw it away. You know everything, you bastard, and you do this on purpose. You enjoy putting me in a difficult spot.”

You sadist! You touched me so softly it felt fragile, but your inner thoughts were pitch black, weren’t they? It’s galling that I failed to see your true nature.

“If you have a conscience, at least realize what an irresponsible human being you are. The despair you gave me… no, I wasn’t in despair. You aren’t worth that much. Do you think I’d even care if you disappeared one day, or if you suddenly reappeared and started hanging around?”

“As you can see. Aren’t you caring a bit too much? That’s the problem.”

“I am not! Shut up, you bug-planting prick. You’re the one eavesdropping because you’re curious about what I do at home! Dammit. My thoughts are all jumbled. I don’t even know what I’m saying… Anyway, you’re a bad guy. So I can’t leave this alone anymore. I am definitely finding an answer about you today.”

What I got back from shouting at the top of my lungs was that still-peaceful look. Unwavering eyes.

The Ethan who used to be careful for fear I’d be swept away isn’t here. The man who used to warn me that I needed to think now skillfully handles the power that shakes me.

“Somerset.”

He probably expects me to cave again if he calls my name in that suddenly tender voice. He clearly thinks I’m an idiot who can’t move if he stares at me intensely.

“Like you said, I might have been wrong. Let’s say I was stupid. Still, the gift…”

“Shut up. That’s not the answer. Don’t try to persuade me.”

I chewed and swallowed the sigh that was trying to leak through my teeth. My thoughts were still not organized, and my mouth was busy blathering away. I was pouring it out without a filter, but nothing I said was wrong.

“You think you’re someone special to me, don’t you? That is truly a hilarious delusion. What exactly are you trying to do, showing up before me now? Did you think something amazing would happen if you came back?”

I forced a sneer into Ethan’s line of sight and continued.

“Regardless of what happened between us in the past, you’re just a creepy stalker. Thinking back, the past wasn’t even that big of a deal. The fact that you were my first man? That fact has zero influence on the present. You are nothing to me.”

I spat out the words to provoke Ethan, but for some reason, they seemed to bounce back into my own chest. They stung and ached as if I were being stabbed with sharp awls.

“The reason I don’t want to accept the gift is because I hate you. It’s not because I’m worried I’ll put some unnecessary meaning into a gift you gave. The reason I’m angry at you right now? It’s because of your stalking, absolutely not because I have any expectations of you.”

Was it really? Perhaps I had tried my best to ignore something that tried to sprout inside me when I unexpectedly reunited with Ethan. Running to him, opening up about the longing I’d endured, and being comforted. Confirming with my own body if Ethan’s arms were still cozy. Maybe I even believed that only you could heal me. I was stupid.

“Did you ever think about it? The frustration of the person left behind.”

I asked impulsively and then felt a sting of regret. Nothing good comes from saying things like that. Let’s talk about something else.

“Your faults are countless. Even that terrifying situation where I almost became a cripple was all your fault.”

“Cripple?”

Ethan asked back, his eyes widening. It seemed he hadn’t managed to find that out through his background check.

Finally, a thin sense of pleasure rose at having unsettled him. Ethan’s gaze quickly scanned my body. He looked restless, which was satisfying.

“Are you okay now? Are you sure? Where and how were you almost crippled…”

“Sexually crippled.”

I pointed between my legs and continued.

“After you suddenly vanished, my dick wouldn’t get hard for a while. Because I couldn’t do anything but think of you.”

During that period of peak vitality, I experienced a horrific phenomenon. It would have been better if I’d never had any experience and didn’t know what pleasure was, but after knowing the heat and the itch that made me fly, it was agonizingly hard to lose it. The days spent writhing in despair felt like an eternity.

“I lived like that for about six months? Then my body started listening again. It was an achievement I reached after repeated training to control and distance myself from thoughts of you.”

I spoke somewhat boastfully, then suddenly faltered. I had blustered that I would definitely hear Ethan’s story today, yet I was the only one talking again. Moreover, Ethan, who had been deeply shaken by the word “cripple,” had instead become calm at the words “sexually crippled,” which drained my energy.

“Sexual impotence is still a disability.”

Instead of being grateful to me for correcting his misinformation, he avoided my gaze as if he were in a tight spot.

“I guess the gravity of the situation doesn’t hit you because you’re fine not using your dick for years, but it was a massive event.”

It was a touching true story of overcoming a situation where one would normally despair and give up through sheer effort. I felt a surge of emotion at having a story equivalent to a heroic epic ignored.