JKA 6

“I-I’ll get going first. I have something urgent to take care of…”

Jiwoon hurriedly tried to clear his tray and lift it, but at that moment, Hanbyeol lightly grabbed his wrist. At this, Jiwoon froze in a half-standing posture and looked at Hanbyeol. And so, through the strands of his hair, he inadvertently made eye contact with Hanbyeol.

“You really didn’t listen to a single thing I said, did you?”

“…”

“Sit down. I’m not trying to blame you. I had my own circumstances.”

Hanbyeol’s gaze was rather serious, and Jiwoon had no choice but to sit back down. Then, Hanbyeol looked at Jiwoon and continued speaking.

“I had some family matters during the break. Because of that, I couldn’t contact anyone around me at all. It wasn’t just you specifically.”

“…”

“After the semester started, I wanted to talk to you, but I never got the chance. You were always gone before I could. And honestly, it felt a bit weird to just strike up a conversation as if nothing had happened. It’s not for any other reason, I just didn’t really know what to say either.”

Hanbyeol chose his words carefully as he slowly explained his situation. Jiwoon just wanted to leave this place. It was because the many things he had done under the influence of alcohol were being broadcast live before his eyes.

He could see it even when his eyes were closed, and he could see it when they were open. There was no escaping it. In this moment, Jiwoon felt like he could understand the heart of a prisoner awaiting a death sentence.

“What you said back then seemed sincere, so I didn’t think I should just brush it off as a joke.”

“I was just…”

No, please, just brush it off as a joke. Don’t talk so seriously, just tell me I was drunk and spouting nonsense. That I was like a madman. So don’t drink and act like that from now on. This is advice from a friend. Please say that. Jiwoon prayed and prayed inwardly.

But Hanbyeol did not seem to have any intention of doing so. Right, this was the problem. This was why Jiwoon was afraid to face Hanbyeol. Because this man in front of him was truly a different person from him, and because of that, it was driving him crazy how obvious his reaction would be.

Just a moment ago, he could not figure out what on earth Hanbyeol was thinking, but now his mind was crystal clear, and his future actions were as plain as day. He wished an earthquake would happen. He wished a typhoon would suddenly blow in. He even imagined the building crumbling down with a roar. In reality, though, the one crumbling with a roar was himself.

“I’ll overlook everything and understand. So I thought about your feelings. But when I tried to be polite, I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry for approaching you so late, too. It was never my intention to distance myself from you.”

You can distance yourself.

You can just tell me to get lost.

Jiwoon’s vision was now spinning dizzily and his body was trembling. The reason he had drunk excessively on the day of the end-of-semester party was that he had seen a classmate secretly call Hanbyeol over to confess. Seeing someone who could at least try to do something he himself could not, he could not stand the envy.

At the same time, it was miserable. He had vaguely thought it would be okay because they were friends, but that was not it. To Myeong Jiwoon, Im Hanbyeol was his first love, so thinking it would be fine if they could at least remain friends was, in fact, all a lie.

I want to monopolize Im Hanbyeol. He had thought that he wished Im Hanbyeol would go crazy and tell him he loved him. To be even more honest, he had masturbated while thinking of Hanbyeol. The name of the d**do he kept in his drawer was also Hanbyeol. He was that kind of filthy human being.

How many times had he committed that crazy act in that small, dirty studio apartment, shouting, ‘Hanbyeol, I love you!’? It was something that would never happen unless Hanbyeol got shot in the head. No, even if, by some chance, Hanbyeol did get shot in the head, something like that would not happen. He would probably just ask him, ‘Who are you and why are you in my hospital room?’ That would be all.

“You know, I don’t think you’re weird. I’m really grateful for your feelings. But I’ve never thought of you as more than a friend…”

F**k, there it is. The words he had anticipated in his head flowed out just like that. Why couldn’t you just pretend you didn’t know, why couldn’t you just treat it as if it never happened. Jiwoon screamed all sorts of curses inwardly. He felt not the least bit grateful for how much this nice b**t**d must have worried while thinking of him that day.

No, he was grateful, but. How should he explain this feeling? In the first place, there was no way he could offer such an explanation when he had been caught trying to flee because he did not know how to carry on this conversation at all. At the same time, Jiwoon could not help but recall himself, dead drunk, rambling on.

‘Hey, listen… I actually like you a lot.’

The alcohol had risen to the top of his head, so much so that even his ears felt hot. The sound of his heart beating was so loud and close that a wave of nausea washed over him. He felt like if he threw up refreshingly, his heart would come out with it, tumble to the floor, and roll far, far away.

It was that loud. It could not have been just because he was drunk. He was angry for reasons he did not understand, and seeing Hanbyeol’s blinking eyes, unable to immediately comprehend his words, made him furious, and his stomach turned upside down with a pointless sense of defiance.

‘Not just as a friend, for real. Not like a bro-friend or anything… but a friend whose balls I want to see.’