Joker 2 (Side story) Ch 2

He feel like his mind, which was going crazy, was being cleansed by hearing his voice. But he was afraid it would sound like flattery, so he couldn’t say anything.

 

-…….

 

“……”

 

Joo Hawon was silent, and Kwon Taeha couldn’t speak either.

 

“I didn’t expect you to call.”

 

But Kwon Taeha spoke first, afraid that the call might end at any moment.

 

-Why.

 

“I don’t know. I just didn’t have the confidence.”

 

-Why doesn’t CEO have confidence?

 

His voice was so indifferent that Kwon Taeha couldn’t guess what Joo Hawon meant by saying that to him.

 

-Why don’t you have confidence? You told me to be grateful. Or did you tell me to resent you?

 

“……”

 

-I didn’t call to fight either…

 

He heard the sound of him inhaling. Kwon Taeha pressed the phone so hard against his ear that it hurt, trying not to miss a single sound.

 

-Don’t you have anything to say to me?

 

“Joo Hawon, I… It doesn’t matter if you throw away the letter I wrote.”

 

Was he trying to hold onto this call at all costs? Words that hadn’t been sorted out poured out of his mouth first.

 

-…You never wrote a letter.

 

“That’s true, but that’s what I mean. Conversely, I don’t want to throw away anything you give me.”

 

-I can do that, but why can’t CEO do that?

 

“I don’t know either.”

 

-Doesn’t CEO get hurt?

 

“Not by things like that.”

 

-What if I say I don’t need anything you gave me…? What if I want to revise the property division agreement again?

 

“Don’t do that.”

 

-Do I still see you as just money?

 

“If that’s all I have to offer.”

 

The engine sound was returning, as if Kwon Jaehee had left something behind. The streetlights illuminated the area next to the unsightly basketball hoop, and soon the headlights of a car, brighter than the streetlights, crossed the window and dyed Kwon Taeha’s back.

 

-Is that really all you have to offer? But why is it okay to throw away the letter? Isn’t it more heartfelt than money?

 

“Anyone can say something that sounds good. Money is better than a useless letter.”

 

-Then can’t you give me both the letter and the money?

 

“……I guess not. I didn’t think of that.”

 

The car’s headlights were still bright. Kwon Taeha reflexively turned to look out the window because he didn’t hear the sound of the car door opening and closing. A black sedan with a color like darkness was parked there.

 

He waited until his eyes got used to the light, and Kwon Taeha didn’t take his eyes off it. Soon, the lights faded as if the sedan’s engine had been turned off. He realized that the car was still there only by the light of the streetlights.

 

-What are you doing standing there?

 

“Calling.”

 

-Why don’t you close the curtains? I can see CEO so well from here.

 

“I didn’t even realize the sun had set.”

 

-Why.

 

“Because I’m sick.”

 

-……Liar.

 

He couldn’t see Joo Hawon’s face. Kwon Taeha moved closer to the window.

 

“Isn’t it cold in the car?”

 

-It’s cold… I don’t want to turn on the engine because I want to see you in detail.

 

Something welled up as Joo Hawon sobbed as if whispering. It was a poignant feeling that made his throat feel tight.

 

“How is it, seeing me?”

 

-……I hate you.

 

“I……”

 

-Even though I hate you… I can’t resent you.

 

“I miss you, Joo Hawon.”

 

-…….

 

He didn’t know if he was sobbing or just silent. But then, the car door opened with a click. Kwon Taeha immediately headed for the front door. He wondered why it felt so slow to open the front door and go outside, as if all the gravity in the world was focused on the door.

 

Joo Hawon, exhaling white breath, was standing there. The warm color of the streetlights permeated his white face, which looked like a hallucination. But he was crying as he had been the last time he saw him, so he became faint, wondering if he had come to tell him it was over.

 

“I’m like this… Why is CEO okay?”

 

Joo Hawon didn’t even touch his cheek. Rather, the cold winter mountain breeze was overcoming the hot tears.

 

“I’m having a hard time, but why doesn’t CEO look like he’s having a hard time at all?”

 

“I don’t know. I guess I was born that way.”

 

“Was it hard at all?”

 

“What’s hard for me?”

 

It was a lie. He was standing straight as usual, but he realized it when he looked at his face. Perhaps because he had been raised preciously since birth, the expression “roughly” did not suit any part of his body. But now, his disheveled hair, which had not been styled, fluttered in the wind.

 

He was wearing the same shirt he had worn when he left, as if Kwon Jaehee’s clothes didn’t fit. Seeing that he also had no room to spare, Joo Hawon tried to fill his twisted emotions.

 

But the emotion he actually occupied was the urge to approach him. Seeing Joo Hawon approaching, Kwon Taeha approached Joo Hawon even faster.

 

Kwon Taeha hugged him, and Joo Hawon hugged him back. He held onto the swaying body even more strongly. Joo Hawon reached up and wrapped his hands around Kwon Taeha’s head. Despite his poor grip, Kwon Taeha collapsed his body.

 

Joo Hawon threw his body as if throwing himself and hugged his head tightly to his chest. He crouched down as much as possible and continued to trap Kwon Taeha’s head in his arms.

 

Sob, sob, Joo Hawon took away his breath as much as he had difficulty breathing.

 

“Actually… I’m sad, CEO.”

 

Joo Hawon cried like a child who had been abandoned alone in his childhood.

 

“I’m so… sad.”

 

Kwon Taeha hugged Joo Hawon’s body, which was taking his breath away, tightly. Even if he couldn’t breathe or his skin was roughly scraped, he accepted all the bodies Joo Hawon threw without caring. He would give up his life even if he said he would kill him like this.

 

“I wish… I wish I had loved the me back then, the way I love you now…”

 

Haa, Joo Hawon lifted his face to breathe. He put his face out of the water, but the air allowed was thin. Sob, sob, he couldn’t pay back the lost breath in the same way, and the strength gradually drained from the body hugging Kwon Taeha.

 

Kwon Taeha hugged Joo Hawon and quickly looked around. There was no way there would be an inhaler in this cold, empty field. Cold sweat dripped from Kwon Taeha’s forehead. Joo Hawon thought that the sweat that fell on his cheek was like tears. He barely opened his dim eyes to look at him, and Kwon Taeha bent his whole body and hugged him.

 

Breathe slowly, slowly.

 

His cold sweat stained his clothes.

 

Don’t cry, it’s all my fault.

 

Hot breath spread to his chest.

 

I’m sorry for making you sad.

 

Joo Hawon reached out and wrapped his arms around his back. It was always the most solid wall that protected him. Sometimes it was oppressive, but he learned as they spent time together. He also gets hurt and is in pain. He was not a heartless, tearless demon king, but just a person with clumsy emotions.

 

Seeing him afraid of what would happen to him, he seemed to know for sure.

 

He must have been suffering, gagging himself and imagining countless negative things because he was afraid that he would leave. It would be a lie to say that he was not hurt by his choice when he was young. But didn’t we decide not to be trapped in the past in reality?

 

He thought he had cut off the past by being with him, but it was he who was trapped in the past.

 

There is no fault in him or himself. It all stemmed from his father and Kwon Yijae, and you were also a victim.

 

However, the fact that you were the perpetrator who hurt me does not change. Conversely, he was also a victim who was hurt by me.

 

“Kwon Taeha……”

 

It was the name of the man who deceived and saved him.

 

“Breathe first. I’ll listen to everything later. You can hate me. You can do that.”

 

He managed to answer, making his sunken voice ring. He didn’t care that his clothes were getting dirty on the dirt floor, and he stroked his body before carrying Joo Hawon on his back. The chest that had been rising and falling steeply on his warm, broad back gradually stabilized.

 

He couldn’t walk fast, and he walked slowly, fearing that Joo Hawon would have a hard time. He was also careful with his steps, fearing that he might stagger due to the medicine added to the alcohol.

 

Even if the cold air he inhaled made his lungs ache, he calmly divided it and exhaled it. There was an inhaler in the car, but he didn’t say anything in the end. Joo Hawon felt Kwon Taeha’s warmth and tried to breathe on his own.

 

“I… I don’t even remember you.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“You remember me even looking at you.”

 

“I remember.”

 

Joo Hawon hugged his neck a little tighter.

 

“I guess… you liked me a lot from the beginning.”

 

“……That’s right. I liked you.”

 

Joo Hawon leaned his cheek against his shoulder at the confession that sounded like it was coming from a twenty-year-old youth. The moisture flowing down the corner of his eyes was just the remnants of a sad time. He walked to the detached house with warm lights on, not the studio. It was Kwon Jaehee’s house, which Joo Hawon also remembered.

 

This is where he came to take off <The Road Home> and <Mirage>.

 

He endured only half a day at Wagner’s words that Kwon Taeha was here. While heading towards him like a magnet, the past flowed out on its own. It hadn’t even been a few years, but it felt as distant as if the landscape had changed.

 

At that time, he was busy exploring Kwon Taeha, and his nerves were always on edge as he defended against his attacks.

 

“I think it would be better to treat each other professionally when we are alone from now on.”

 

-Can you handle it?

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

-You said let’s treat each other professionally. If you’re going to treat sex as work, I’m not going to be gentle.

 

“I don’t think sex is necessary for our relationship.”

 

-I need it. I want to stick it inside you and fill you up to the brim. I don’t want another bastard to get between Joo Dealer’s legs.

 

There were definitely days like that. He was busy arming himself so as not to show Kwon Taeha even a grain of his heart and not to show any weakness.

 

“CEO, do you know that the sound of crickets is amazing here in the fall?”

 

“You remember things like that?”

 

He vividly remembered the door of the detached house with vines drawn on it.

 

“When I think about it, I think… I have a problem because I remember things too well. I… I remember everything about talking to CEO on the phone here.”

 

“I remember too. I was in Germany at the time. I almost got sulky after receiving your call saying you didn’t like me.”

 

-What, did you hate being with me that much?

 

He thought he was acting dejected at the time, but perhaps there was some sincerity mixed in.

 

“And because hyung was kind, I had some strange imaginations that I shouldn’t have.”

 

“……We need to learn to forget things.”

 

He rubbed his cheek against his white shirt.

 

Kwon Taeha opened the door to the detached house and, for some reason, took off his shoes. He couldn’t see slippers anywhere, so he just went up to the floor and walked to the living room with Joo Hawon on his back. He turned on the lights and then raised the temperature of the warm house even higher.

 

“CEO.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I like you.”

 

His back stiffened. He put strength into his hands as if he didn’t want to put down the person who must be a heavy burden. Joo Hawon groaned because his thighs were being grabbed so hard that they were sore, and only then did he barely put him down on the sofa.

 

Kwon Taeha took off Joo Hawon’s shoes himself. Then he knelt on both knees on the floor and hugged Joo Hawon’s waist. He felt sorry for his body, which had become thinner in the past few days. Joo Hawon also intertwined his hands in his hair.

 

He wanted to keep that low-pitched resonance of “I like you” somewhere without changing it.

 

Are other people just as happy when their lovers confess their love? He seemed to have heard the expression that it was like walking on cloud 9. But for him, a violent temper raised its head rather than such a cozy feeling. Because I like you, don’t have compassion for anyone else. I don’t want other bastards to look at you, and I don’t want you to look at others.

 

Only then did Kwon Taeha seem to understand a little why his brother had hidden his precious things in the cabin. He wanted to show off, but he didn’t want to show it because he was afraid that others would covet it. In fact, there was nothing to covet there.

 

The reason he burned down the cabin was simply because he didn’t want his brother to get hurt again. He resented him when he was hurt or sick, so he was burdened by the emotions that came crashing in with malice. Looking back now, it seems like it was closer to a feeling of simply being annoyed, but in any case, after that incident, Kwon Jaehee completely built a wall in his brotherly relationship.

 

However, he didn’t want to lock Joo Hawon in a shabby place like a cabin. He wanted to give him all the good places and things that existed in the world. Perhaps, in another sense, he was trying to lock Joo Hawon in an infinitely large cabin.

 

However, he does not speak of his twisted obsession. Because he knows that it would suffocate Joo Hawon.

 

“You can always only take advantage of me. You can exploit me to the bottom.”

 

“Why does CEO only lose out?”

 

“So, if your sad feelings disappear, I’ll be fine.”

 

“What if CEO gets depleted?”

 

“A pushover never gets depleted.”

 

“What is that?”

 

Joo Hawon hugged his head preciously, unlike before when he was trying to take his breath away. Kwon Taeha’s hair stuck to his cheeks, which were sticky with tears.

 

Joo Hawon kissed him on the head and rubbed his cheek with his hand. He wanted to wash, but he had been driving without sleeping for a long time, so it was difficult to lift a finger.

 

Suddenly, Kwon Taeha told him to wait and headed somewhere inside the hallway. He wondered if he would tell him to eat something, but Kwon Taeha returned with two warm towels stacked in his hand.

 

How did he know without him saying anything? Joo Hawon was a little surprised.

 

Kwon Taeha gently wiped Joo Hawon’s cheeks and wrapped his hands in the towel that still had warmth left. A person who used to be waited on everywhere now seemed used to waiting on others.

 

Joo Hawon looked into Kwon Taeha.

 

There was a time when he thought his eyes were just cold. There were times when he couldn’t read his emotions at all because the color of his eyes, which absorbed light, was fickle.

 

Kwon Taeha’s lips came down to his forehead. Joo Hawon quietly moved his eyelids when his lips touched him.

 

“I’ve been thinking.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I was wondering what would have happened if I had approached CEO first when I saw you.”

 

What would have happened if he had approached the young man in the black sedan parked on the streets of Macau, full of filth?

 

If he had knocked on the window he had closed and opened it, and shamelessly sat next to him and clung to him, wouldn’t Kwon Taeha have been shocked but reluctantly accepted him?

 

Joo Hawon had a ridiculous imagination. He pulled Kwon Taeha’s face towards him and gave him a short kiss on the lips. The exhaustion of the days when he was struggling without him was rushing in.

 

“Shall we spend the rest of our vacation in Macau? Let’s eat as much fish cake as we want at the dried meat store where we first met.”

 

“Let’s extend our vacation and go.”

 

“Without working?”

 

“I work the hardest, so I should rest this much.”

 

“……This is a big problem. I’ve ruined Kwon CEO.”

 

“Rather, you’re helping me fix things.”

 

Joo Hawon pulled him and lay down facing each other on the sofa. The wide sofa was a little cramped when they lay down together, but that’s why they could get even closer.

 

Kwon Taeha pulled the blanket hanging on the back of the sofa and wrapped it around Joo Hawon. As they lay side by side and looked at each other, the sound of turtledoves was heard leisurely.

 

“It must be lonely to live here alone… Jaehee seems to be a bit pathetic.”

 

“That’s how artists are.”

 

“There are people who do art and aren’t pathetic, right?”

 

“Then it’s just my brother who’s like that.”

 

They looked at each other in silence for a long time, then touched the bridge of their noses and wiped each other’s eyes with their fingertips.

 

“Did you drink alcohol?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Did you sleep?”

 

“I slept.”

 

“I… couldn’t sleep. I fell asleep and woke up, and then woke up again. I told you to leave, but it’s strange, right…? I waited.”

 

“I couldn’t go because I was scared. I was afraid I would kill you.”

 

“……”

 

“I was afraid that I would kill you to save myself.”

 

“Why would CEO die?”

 

“I felt like that would happen if I couldn’t see you.”

 

Joo Hawon snuggled further into his arms, which were serving as a pillow.

 

“I’m the same way… Then we can both live while seeing each other.”

 

Kwon Taeha hugged the terribly lovely Joo Hawon warmly.

 

It wasn’t easy to control his strength so as not to suffocate him, but he could endure the strong urge to hug him tightly. He had to be a being who breathed life into Joo Hawon, not one who took his breath away.

 

“CEO… hug me tighter.”

 

“I don’t want to hold you so tightly that you can’t breathe.”

 

“Do I like CEO because you’re kind?”

 

“You said you like it when I’m kind.”

 

“Actually… I like being suffocated. I like your way.”

 

Joo Hawon says he will enter the cabin himself. As if he had read all of his uneasy feelings, he reassured him that it was okay. Kwon Taeha took a deep breath and pulled Joo Hawon into his arms.

 

“You don’t even know that you’ve lost the chance to be loved in other ways, do you even know how much you’re losing?”

 

“There’s no one in the world who cares about me as much as you do.”

 

“There might be a kind, nice, and rich bastard somewhere in the world.”