Joker 1 (Side Story) Ch 15

Wagner ran his wet hands over his bald head. Realizing his mistake, he wiped the other hand on his apron. Joo Hawon had refused both a housekeeper and a maid, so Wagner had to cook the meals himself.

Three days had passed since Kwon Taeha left. Joo Hawon hadn’t eaten for more than a full day. Still refusing to leave the room, Wagner had to go to the bedroom himself.

Knock, knock. Wagner knocked on the closed door and opened it.

“Hawon.”

He expected him to be lying down, but Joo Hawon’s hair was still soaked as if freshly washed.

“Eat.”

“I said I’d eat by myself.”

“I made bulgogi.”

“You eat first. If I get hungry, I’ll eat myself.”

“If you don’t eat, you’ll die.” 

Joo Hawon exhaled deeply.

“Just eat enough not to starve.”

He had thought he had no allies, yet Wagner took care of him diligently. Still, Wagner was Taeha’s man too.

“The boss is worried too.”

“…”

“If you don’t eat, your body will suffer. Since the boss isn’t here, you can eat.”

“Even if I eat now, I’ll get indigestion.”

“Hawon, if you don’t eat, it’s different from why the boss left.”

“…Then fine, watch me starve to death. Why aren’t you leaving?” 

He regretted speaking the words as he brushed his face with dry hands.

“Sorry for venting.”

“I don’t mind.”

Sometimes they bickered, but it was the first time they had fought to the point of not being able to look at each other’s faces. Wagner, curious yet respectful of boundaries, didn’t ask why.

“Then shall I make you porridge?”

“You know porridge now?”

“I know all the food.” 

Joo Hawon smiled weakly.

“Forget it. I’ll take care of myself, so you should go home too.”

“I’m staying here. Boss’s orders.”

“Why? Worried I might hurt myself? I know my body’s precious too.”

“Hurt yourself?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Hawon, if you know your body’s precious, I’m relieved.”

As always, the conversation with Wagner was simple. Even though his Korean had improved a lot, it was still awkward and clumsy, which today, oddly, worked in his favor.

Joo Hawon didn’t have the energy for a deep conversation with anyone else. These weren’t emotions to share with another person. Even if he spoke to Jahan, it would only unsettle the well-off boy, and he didn’t want consolation.

“Do you want a hotdog?”

“Wagner, I’ll eat by myself.”

“You have to eat to keep your body precious.”

He realized the last thing he’d put in his mouth had been yesterday’s lunch. The egg soy-fried rice he often made in Macau was still in the pan on the table, and he had only managed three bites.

“I eat bread even when sad or struggling. Hawon, you have to eat. Strong.”

With the childlike words of Wagner, he now understood why Taeha sometimes found himself amused by his German.

Sighing, Joo Hawon stepped out of the bedroom. Even when he didn’t need to think of him, Taeha still suddenly appeared in his thoughts. Perhaps if he moved his body, these unnecessary thoughts would fade.

He had loved while hating, felt grateful while betrayed, and wished for him to leave while wishing he wouldn’t. He felt as if he might drown in the contradictory emotions he had for Kwon Taeha.

Before, he would have only resented him for showing him such miserable feelings. Yet every day spent with him had been fulfilling. He always kept his promises.

Like a child born to be loved, He gave him his boundless heart. Having taken that love for granted all this time, perhaps that’s why it hurt even more now.

He always had the chance to speak the truth. But after hiding it through all those countless days they spent together, the feeling of being deceived never went away.

But could he have truly spoken…?

Even now, could he have laughed it off?

If he were going to hide it, he should have done so perfectly until death. No, if he had, he wouldn’t have been able to forgive him. But what is there to forgive anyway?

At twenty, he had no reason to help him.

“The present me is not the same as back then, so I won’t offer excuses. I regret it, but I won’t make excuses.”

The Taeha who loved himself, the Taeha at twenty consumed by revenge and madness.

For what the twenty-year-old had done, he only wanted to hurt the Taeha he loved.

Why couldn’t he, at twenty, cherish him like he did now?

Ha… A sigh escaped from Joo Hawon’s chapped lips. He stared blankly at the living room, clean and orderly without a single bottle of alcohol as if nothing had happened.

He had thought Taeha could have saved him before but didn’t. Yet in truth, Taeha had become his new creditor who had paid off all his debts. Holding that power, he had still neglected him. Knowing how Joo Hawon had lived, Taeha had squeezed him to the bone. So the dark emotions wandering through his body were nothing but revenge.

It was a judgment on the Taeha who had failed to love the child Joo Hawon once was.

He looked down at the phone Wagner had brought. It was still vacation, so there were barely any work calls, and not a single message from Kwon Taeha.

He wondered what Taeha was doing, yet didn’t care. Perhaps he had returned to Germany. Perhaps he had finished his vacation alone and resumed work. Taeha was someone who separated emotions from work better than anyone.

Having lived a life much more accustomed to sleeping alone, Joo Hawon now couldn’t sleep properly without Taeha’s warmth. His boundless affection had broken him. He had been fine alone before, but now half of him felt empty.

…He missed him.

It was as intense as the desire for revenge.

Yet, if he were to see him, he felt as if he would lose control, criticize, blame, and tear him apart, so he put the phone back down.

Compared to the first day, the day before yesterday, and yesterday, he could look at himself more rationally. He didn’t know how much time he’d need, but he wasn’t ready to sentence his relationship with Taeha to death, so he needed a reprieve.

Only then did Joo Hawon place the bulgogi set Wagner had prepared on the table.

“Wagner.”

The large man, quietly watching, moved quickly.

“Hawon. Eat, rice! Wagner waited!”

Joo Hawon poured mineral water into a cup until it bulged. The water’s surface tension held it in place without spilling.

“Where is the CEO…now?”

<To be continued in Side Story Volume 2>