Vol 1 Ch 8

“I was going home after acting like that last time, and I had this thought. To be honest, my personality is usually so bad that I don’t feel sorry for the other person no matter what I do. I only do things I can get away with, so I don’t really regret what I do.”

 

“……”

 

“It should have been like that that day too. Honestly, do you think I wanted to go to the coal briquette donation? I only did it because I was told to. I did all that, and then I was told to meet Ha Yeonjun separately for a meal, and honestly, I wondered why I had to do that. It’s annoying. I don’t know what it means either.”

 

“……”

 

“I thought all I had to do was get out of there. So I acted like that… If it were any other day, I wouldn’t have thought of Ha Yeonjun on the way back. Because it’s in the past. It’s not important to me at all, and it’s just an annoying thing that’s finally over.”

 

There were a lot of direct words that could be hurtful, but Yeonjun wasn’t hurt at all. It was because Seo Jeongwon’s gaze was warm and his voice was gentle as he told the story. He wasn’t saying it to hurt him. He was asking if he was hurt.

 

“I kept thinking about it that night. I felt uneasy, and there was no way to justify the attitude I had shown, and I felt so sorry for Ha Yeonjun, who kept telling me he liked me.”

 

“……”

 

“I was the one who made Ha Yeonjun feel pathetic that day, so I want to spend time today so that Ha Yeonjun doesn’t feel pathetic even if he thinks about it when he goes home.”

 

“I like that day and today too. I only feel good…”

 

“……”

 

“Because I’m with Actor.”

 

How could a person be so pure? Ha Yeonjun, as Seo Jeongwon saw him, was like someone who would be softly pressed down everywhere if he were touched. He was so different from him that he felt even more like trash just by thinking unrefined thoughts. Seo Jeongwon smiled, fixing his gaze on Yeonjun.

 

“If it’s the same as that time, I shouldn’t have come today.”

 

“Ah, no! That’s… it’s not the same…”

 

“Then what’s different?”

 

It was that face again. The face of someone who was flustered and didn’t know what to do. Seo Jeongwon laughed softly, finding something so funny in Yeonjun’s face, whose lips were slightly parted, whose long eyelashes fluttered rapidly as if in distress, and whose eyes were shaking wildly between them.

 

It was funny, but the funny feeling wasn’t everything. Ha Yeonjun kept subtly touching Seo Jeongwon’s bad and impure emotions. Seo Jeongwon, who had been thinking about going a little deeper, gave up and moved his fork and knife gracefully. He didn’t want to make him cry in a place like this.

 

“People must tease you a lot.”

 

“……”

 

“It’s fun to tease you. You can’t even hide your expressions.”

 

Yeonjun’s lips moved softly as he looked at Seo Jeongwon’s smiling face. It was okay if it was teasing, and it was okay if it was pity. Whatever it was, it was enough for Jeongwon to be smiling now. Yeonjun smiled, watching Seo Jeongwon’s smile. His heart, which had been trembling the whole time, calmed down a little as he saw Seo Jeongwon’s smile and heard his kind voice. He liked this moment when he could smile because he wanted to, because his heart was happy.

 

“Smile often in the future.”

 

“……”

 

“You’re prettier when you smile.”

 

Yeonjun’s heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t help but be affected by Seo Jeongwon, who was smiling at him and saying he was pretty. His body temperature rose, and the tips of his ears, fingertips, and even his lips flushed. Yeonjun captured Seo Jeongwon in his eyes, his pupils warmed by the pleasant heat.

 

Seo Jeongwon was like a sudden downpour. When he poured down, there was no choice but to get soaked. His eyes were like a fresh spring boy, but soon they turned into the immature heat of a passionate summer.

 

And his smile was also the smile of running down the street with a lover in the pouring rain, and it was also like a farewell that would eventually melt into sadness, his whole body soaked in the rain. People loved Seo Jeongwon like that. And Yeonjun also loved Seo Jeongwon like that. He didn’t know how to explain it, but it was definitely love.

 

Seo Jeongwon suddenly poured down at an unexpected moment. He hadn’t even heard it in the weather forecast, so he wasn’t prepared at all. Yeonjun was completely soaked. He had only closed and opened his eyes, but the whole world was Seo Jeongwon. Seo Jeongwon had melted the love that Yeonjun had been holding, the shape that had been simply round and pretty. It was still pretty, but the love with the sharpened end could now stab Yeonjun.

 

But it was still good. Yeonjun was just happy with the emotions that were changing into a form he had never seen before, without knowing anything. It was okay if Seo Jeongwon’s feelings toward him were pity. Because it was an emotion. Because it was Seo Jeongwon’s heart toward him. The name didn’t matter at all. At least, not at this moment.

 

The meal ended close to ten o’clock. Seo Jeongwon dropped Yeonjun off in front of his house. It wasn’t a very intimate feeling, but the atmosphere was much more relaxed than when they had gone to dinner, and light conversations were exchanged little by little. Yeonjun looked at Seo Jeongwon at the familiar alleyway visible through the window.

 

“Please stop here.”

 

It was the place where they had stopped last time because the van couldn’t go up. Seo Jeongwon, who glanced at Yeonjun as he unbuckled his seatbelt to get out, drove the car as it was. It wasn’t easy to go up and down, but it wasn’t impossible.

 

“You don’t have to go up…”

 

“It’s too cold to walk today. I don’t like the cold.”

 

“…I can go alone…”

 

Despite Yeonjun’s words, Seo Jeongwon stubbornly dug into the narrow alleyway and went up. The car, which was slowly climbing under the flickering streetlights, stopped in front of Yeonjun’s house, which seemed familiar after seeing it a few times. Yeonjun carefully released the seatbelt he had been holding and looked at Seo Jeongwon.

 

“Thank you so much for today…”

 

Seo Jeongwon, who had parked the car, took his hands off the steering wheel and turned his head. Yeonjun bit down hard on the soft flesh inside his lips.

 

“I came to make myself feel better, so you don’t have to be so grateful.”

 

“…Still…”

 

“You didn’t get sick today, did you?”

 

“…No.”

 

Seo Jeongwon reached out and grabbed Yeonjun’s fingers as they were. Yeonjun, who was startled for a moment, tried to pull his hand away, but Seo Jeongwon didn’t let go.

 

“They’re not cold.”

 

Only after he had confirmed what he wanted to confirm did Seo Jeongwon take his hand away from Yeonjun’s as if it were nothing.

 

“Oh, I have something to give you.”

 

“……”

 

“Can you get out and open the door to your house? I’ll just put them inside.”

 

“Ah… Yes.”

 

Yeonjun quickly got out of the car, took the key out of his pocket, and opened the rusty front door. The creaking sound echoed loudly in the quiet surroundings. Seo Jeongwon, who opened the back door and bent down to take something out, came closer to the open door. He had two large shopping bags in his hands.

 

“This one is the DVD of the drama I was in. The director’s cut. It has all the edited scenes. And this one is the player to watch it. I thought you might need it.”

 

Seo Jeongwon, who put only his upper body inside the open door and placed the two large shopping bags, straightened his body again. Yeonjun, who saw the shopping bags placed inside the house, raised his head and met the eyes of Seo Jeongwon, who was looking at him. His eyes were hot with tears because it was a gift he had never dared to imagine.

 

“Why are you about to cry? I thought you’d like it.”

 

“…Because I’m so, so happy. Now I can see Actor whenever I want… I can watch it at night, I can watch it on weekends… I can watch it at dawn.”

 

“You’re only going to watch me?”

 

“…Yes. I’m going to watch only Actor every day. Every day…”

 

Yeonjun nodded his head along with his answer. Seo Jeongwon, who saw his face, which was about to cry and didn’t know what to do because he was so happy, frowned slightly at the sudden pain that constricted his heart. It was an unfamiliar sensation.

 

“Thank you so much…”

 

Seo Jeongwon, who had been quietly watching Yeonjun bowing his head and greeting him, let out a long breath. The white breath stayed in the darkness for a long time, as if the cold air would freeze it right away.

 

“It’s cold, go in quickly. Thank you for spending time with me today even though I came suddenly.”

 

“……”

 

“Thanks to you, I had dinner outside on Christmas Eve and it was better than I thought.”

 

It was time to say goodbye. Yeonjun, who was looking at Seo Jeongwon with a face that couldn’t hide his regret, looked at the car and then shifted his gaze back to Seo Jeongwon. He couldn’t leave his actor standing in such a cold place any longer.

 

“……”

 

But he couldn’t think of what to say for the final greeting. Time was passing, and his fingertips were getting colder and colder as if they would freeze. Yeonjun carefully moved his hands and gently, very gently, grabbed Seo Jeongwon’s left hand. Seo Jeongwon looked down at his hand being held with slightly surprised eyes.

 

His slender and pretty hands, which were white from the cold, were trembling as they held his hand. Seo Jeongwon let out a short breath. His lower abdomen was churning. He wanted to bend those white fingers painfully. What kind of face would he make if he squeezed them painfully? Would he be surprised? Would he try to pull his hand away? Or would he just stay still even though it hurt?

 

The unfamiliar sensation fueled impure thoughts. Seo Jeongwon, who glanced at the old open door as if telling him to just push in, took another breath and naturally grasped Yeonjun’s hand that was holding his. It was the maximum amount of patience he could muster.

 

“Take care.”

 

“…Yes. I hope Actor… takes care… takes care too.”

 

“I will. Go in. You’ll catch a cold. It’s a relief you didn’t get sick, but it would be a disaster if you caught a cold.”

 

“I’ll watch you leave…”

 

“Quickly.”

 

Seo Jeongwon shook his head lightly. It was a light but firm movement. Yeonjun looked at his falling hand and had no choice but to enter the gate first. He made eye contact with Seo Jeongwon until the moment he closed the door. Yeonjun barely closed the door and sat down as it was. His heart was beating so fast it hurt. It was as if he had been running very fast, breathing in the cold air on a cold day.

 

“……”

 

The sound of the car door closing was heard from outside the gate. Yeonjun pressed down hard on his aching heart and buried his face in his knees. The sound of wheels rolling flowed into his ears. His knees were covered with moist breath from the bursting breaths. Seo Jeongwon’s face, which had been quietly watching him, shook in his dizzy and blacked-out head.

 

“……”

 

The large hand that gently rubbed the fingers he was holding with his thumb and completely enclosed his hand. The eyes that briefly met his face with the smile gone. The short breath that burst out at the same time as the streetlight flickered and turned dark and then turned on. The more Yeonjun recalled, the more he curled up his body against his heart, which was aching and constricting.

 

The colder air than ever before fell on Yeonjun’s curled-up body. His body, soaked with Seo Jeongwon, held the cold even more intensely. It was the sharp first greeting he shared with the first emotions that had awkwardly taken root.

 

***

 

Seo Jeongwon, soaking in the bathtub, stared at the TV screen mounted on the bathroom wall. He was looking, but his mind was so preoccupied that not a single scene registered. Or rather, it wasn’t preoccupation, but thoughts solely about Ha Yeonjun.

 

He felt like he’d finished a long overdue homework assignment. The faint guilt that had lingered in his heart melted completely into the water and vanished. Seo Jeongwon, his face devoid of interest, averted his gaze from the screen. He leaned his head back against the tub and closed his eyes, his pupils throbbing. He must have been quite tired from trying to appear like he was doing okay the whole time.

 

After a moment of closing his eyes in the warm water, Seo Jeongwon wearily opened them and picked up his wine glass. He was about to put it down after taking a sip, but then Seo Jeongwon stared at the fingers gripping the glass. It was the hand that Yeonjun’s fingertips had touched.

 

“…….”

 

He remembered Yeonjun’s cold, white hands grasping his own. He’d expected nothing more than a perfunctory farewell, like “Drive safe” or “Thank you for today,” but Yeonjun had unexpectedly touched him.

 

Where did he get the courage to do that, trembling and unable to even hold on tight? When it came to expressing his feelings or exchanging commonplace greetings, Yeonjun displayed an unexpected side, summoning courage he didn’t usually possess. The voice that confessed his feelings with a flushed face and without a hint of hesitation. The audacity of silently holding his hand with both of his. Of course, the words “Yeonjun” and “audacity” didn’t seem to fit together at all.

 

To see the hand Yeonjun had held, Seo Jeongwon unhesitatingly opened his palm. The wine glass he was holding fell straight into the water. Because there wasn’t much wine left, the water didn’t stain like a gruesome crime scene.

 

Seo Jeongwon, unconcerned about that, spread open his left hand, the one Yeonjun had held, and stared at it. When that white hand had grasped his, his core had stirred. He had definitely wanted to squeeze that hand tightly enough to hurt. He thought he might have been curious to see what kind of expression he would make if he hurt him. It was only for a moment, but a somewhat sadistic tendency had clearly reared its head.

 

Seo Jeongwon liked things like pure white shirts stained with dark wine, chaotic footprints imprinted on a freshly painted white floor. It was because he knew that no matter how hard one tried to maintain that initial white, pristine state, it would inevitably be sullied someday. Someone was bound to ruin it, someone was bound to leave their mark. Seo Jeongwon wanted to be that someone.

 

As he delved into his thoughts, the ringing of his phone made him turn his head. Seo Jeongwon picked up the phone with his wet hand. It was his manager. Seo Jeongwon turned off the TV screen and answered the call.

 

“Hey, Hyung. What’s going on this late?”

 

-Jeongwon-ah. Did you meet Ha Yeonjun today?

 

He’s a mind reader. Seo Jeongwon picked up the wine glass floating on the water and placed it to the side, answering nonchalantly.

 

“Yeah.”

 

-Why?

 

It was a short question, but it was filled with worry. It sounded like he was asking what he had done to that poor kid, so he almost gave a perverse answer, saying he had done all sorts of things, but he was too tired to bother.

 

“You said I was too harsh last time.”

 

-So… you weren’t even harsher, were you?

 

“No. I fed him properly, took him home, and even gave him a gift.”

 

-Really? Ha Yeonjun must have really liked that.

 

“He smiled.”

 

Beautifully. Seo Jeongwon recalled Yeonjun’s face, so raw with emotion, as he smiled at him. It was a face that couldn’t hide its feelings at all.

 

-That’s a relief. That’s a real relief. Good job. You did a really good job, Jeongwon-ah. You really are changing.

 

“How did you find out?”

 

-Some couple who went to that lounge saw you and tagged you in their post. I think they were waiting for a woman to show up, but when they said you went with some guy, I looked and it was Ha Yeonjun.

 

“Tell them to take it down. What good is it to have a regular person’s face exposed like that?”

 

-Yeah. I already told them to. I thought you were going to rest at home today, so I was surprised when I heard you went out. Do you even know that today is Christmas Eve?

 

“I heard.”

 

-Ha Yeonjun must have really liked that. Spending Christmas Eve with you. Good job. You did a good job. I’m so proud… Jeongwon-ah, I really didn’t think you’d go that far…

 

Listening to Kim Sunjong, his manager, whose voice was choked with emotion, Seo Jeongwon sat up in the water.

 

-How about you? Did you like it too?

 

How was I? Seo Jeongwon brushed the hair falling over his forehead back haphazardly and thought. He was cute when he was shy, it was lovely how he said he liked him without stuttering, and in the end, he almost went into that rundown house for a moment, but he couldn’t tell Sunjong any of that. No, he could, but he didn’t want to ruin an ordinary person’s Christmas by saying it.

 

“I liked it.”

 

So Seo Jeongwon simply conveyed his thoughts. He acted like he had just had a very ordinary dinner. It was the most elaborate performance he had put on today.

 

Listening to his manager’s voice, which was full of emotion, Seo Jeongwon sat on the edge of the tub, as if he was bored. This was the limit.

 

“Hyung, I’m in the middle of a shower.”

 

-Ah! Really? I wondered why I could hear water! You should have said so! Anyway, you did a really good job today, get some rest. Call me right away if anything happens! Merry Christmas!

 

Seo Jeongwon listened to Kim Sunjong, his manager, who even gave him a Christmas greeting in a bright voice, until the end, and then casually placed his phone next to the sink.

 

Sunjong was a quite capable manager who was passionate about his work and quick to understand things. But he had one fatal flaw. He talked too much. And his emotions were too rich. Well, that’s probably why he was able to understand and take care of him, but sometimes when he was endlessly chatty, it was exhausting just to listen. Seo Jeongwon didn’t really like people’s voices.

 

Seo Jeongwon entered the shower booth and turned on the water, quickly clouding the surroundings. Seo Jeongwon recalled Yeonjun’s fingers, which had been holding his hand the whole time. The feeling of him carefully grasping his fingers with both hands, not just one, was vivid. Seo Jeongwon frowned, feeling a surge of strength in his lower abdomen for a moment. The untimely surge of lust was even unpleasant.

 

Seo Jeongwon didn’t masturbate. He simply recalled those white fingertips that wouldn’t go away, even amidst the unpleasant lust.

 

The unwanted lust was thicker and more unpleasant than the clinging pity. The very fact that he might get an erection over that young, clueless kid, and a man at that, was horrifying. Seo Jeongwon loathed himself for the first time in a while. But even if it was loathsome and terrible, there was no way to avoid thinking about it. Seo Jeongwon cursed at the sudden surge of annoyance. Even in that moment, Yeonjun’s pure white trembling on his fingertips was not erased.