Vol 1 Ch 5

Seo Jeongwon, who had gotten on the elevator after resident verification with his card, leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes against the rushing fatigue and lingering discomfort. As Sunjong said, since he did enough at the end, he should just consider it done, but strangely it didn’t end that easily.

 

‘Today was the happiest day of my life.’

 

If seeing someone who ignored him and sat there with an annoyed face, poking at his steak with a knife, was happiness, then what kind of life had he been living until now, he wondered.

 

‘…I really, really like you so much.’

 

Normally, when meeting a celebrity or famous person you don’t often see, it’s common to say you like them as basic manners, but somehow those words of liking he heard earlier didn’t seem to have the weight of just ‘Here, some attention.’ The words ‘I like you’—he had heard them overflowing abundantly until now, and to be honest, to Seo Jeongwon, the words ‘I like you’ weren’t that moving. By now, they were closer to words too common and dull to stir emotions.

 

‘Being able to be with Actor-nim like this… it’s exactly…. It feels like a dream.’

 

Seo Jeongwon took off his coat and carelessly tossed it on the sofa, then plopped down and buried himself in it. Closing his eyes in the living room that was excessively large for one person, Yeonjun’s voice echoed like tinnitus.

 

‘Thinking back on today, with these memories… I think I can live truly happily for the rest of my life.’

 

It was grandiose. At best, it was just having a meal with a famous, recognizable person, but even if it was good, words like lifetime, happiness coming from that were overly grandiose sentiments.

 

The glances that kept touching him, even though he knew they were watching his mood, he didn’t properly give even one look in return. Because he didn’t assign any meaning to the time spent with the person named Ha Yeonjun. Since the reason was for image management and it was filled with photos taken while pretending to be happy and smiling, there was no need to care beyond that.

 

That kid, who saw all of me like that yet still said it was so good, like a dream—what kind of kid is he, I wondered. What kind of person could pour out confession-like words even after receiving such treatment.

 

“……”

 

Honestly, Ha Yeonjun’s house, which he had entered while carrying briquettes, was so small and old that he wondered whether it was even a place someone could live in. Like all the other houses in that alley, Yeonjun’s house was no different. Although it looked cleaner than the others, the fundamental condition of the house itself was severe—beyond what could be fixed through mere organization and cleaning.

 

Through a slightly open door, he caught a glimpse of the room Yeonjun usually lived in, and that place, too, was so cramped and worn that a sigh slipped out of him without thinking.

 

Seo Jeongwon opened his eyes and looked at his own living room, which was large enough to fit ten of those rooms, no, even more than that. He should just let it be and move on, but the image of Yeonjun, with his pale face, pouring out his heart while looking at him, kept coming to mind.

 

‘…I really like you so much. Watching you, Actor-nim, is what kept me going every day.’

 

He felt like he had become waste that couldn’t even be recycled among real trash. What Ha Yeonjun, who said he was happy, who said it was really, really wonderful, faced today was watching his mood, enduring awkwardness, getting sick, and returning to a cold house without making a sound—that was all.

 

And him, as usual, was annoyed so he showed an annoyed face, was tired so he showed a tired attitude, had no interest so he kept his mouth shut, yet he ended up receiving someone’s sincerity that kept coming to mind.

 

“Ah, fuck. It’s irritating.”

 

Finally, irritation surged at the uncomfortably clinging memory. Seo Jeongwon got up from the sofa, unbuttoning his shirt, and headed to the bathroom. The sound of his slippers dragging echoed bleakly through the spacious house where not a single other sound existed.

 

Seo Jeongwon, who had entered the shower booth and poured warm water over his head, washing away all the useless things that had clung to him all day, roughly swept back his wet hair. Normally, the sweat, dust, and even thoughts would all flow down and disappear, but today was a bit different.

 

The white face, the gaze that wouldn’t leave him, the wavering pupils, and the sound of footsteps quickly following his stride. Fuck, he should have just walked a bit slower.

 

“……”

 

The flickering streetlight and the face blinking in that light. The uniquely warm energy that remained unshaken even within it. The hand that, contrary to that energy, trembled terribly and felt unusually cold each time it touched.

 

Seo Jeongwon, who hadn’t been able to wash away even a bit of what he wanted to erase, came out of the bathroom with a clearly displeased expression. Seo Jeongwon, who had gone to the kitchen roughly rubbing his dripping hair with a towel, opened the refrigerator and looked at the row of mineral water, beer, carbonated water, and protein drinks, then picked up a can of beer.

 

Disappear, disappear. Why do I keep thinking about something that’s already passed. Seo Jeongwon, recalling the same words as if brainwashing himself, downed half the can of beer in one go and frowned at the oncoming headache. That white face, somewhat intimidated, watching his mood, rose again in his aching, tingling head. The emotion that immediately followed was now irritation toward himself for thinking of that face.

 

Seo Jeongwon carelessly threw the half-empty beer can into the sink and headed to the bedroom. The slippers dragged somewhat irritably. But the clinging thoughts didn’t disappear even when he got into bed, or while watching a loud hero movie. His mind was entirely filled with Ha Yeonjun.

 

Fuck, yeah. It’ll probably pass anyway. At most, it would’ve lasted half a day. Because he knew all too well that his level of understanding and interest in others was significantly lower than most people’s. In the end, Seo Jeongwon gave up trying not to remember.

 

It was an assault of an utterly unfamiliar pity.

 

***

 

The pity he felt for the existence named Ha Yeonjun lasted exactly half a day, just as Seo Jeongwon had expected. When that sullen face, which had clung to his mind all the way until dawn before he fell asleep, began to blur with the arrival of morning, Seo Jeongwon finally felt like he could live. As expected, meeting people, especially forming relationships with new people, was uncomfortable and bothersome.

 

Seo Jeongwon preferred light relationships. He wished for others to leave no trace on him. Likewise, he didn’t want to leave his own traces on others. That’s why he could never properly do what could be called dating. Because the continuous attention, love, and trust that should form the base of a relationship were always lacking.

 

“Did you rest well yesterday?”

 

“Sort of.”

 

“What do you mean, ‘sort of’? Did you rest well or not?”

 

“Somewhere in between.”

 

“Why? Did something happen?”

 

“I was doing some self-reflection.”

 

At Seo Jeongwon’s mention of self-reflection, Sunjong thought of Yeonjun. Well, even for Seo Jeongwon, he must have felt a lot recalling that day. Still, it was a relief that his personality seemed to be improving bit by bit as he got older.

 

“I see… Well done. From now on, you absolutely must not treat anyone like you did Ha Yeonjun.”

 

“That’s not it.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I think it was wrong to do something I didn’t want to do while pretending to be nice.”

 

“…You pretended to be nice? When?”

 

“Did you forget? Carrying briquettes, carrying toilet paper, even sitting quietly without losing my temper in front of that godawful steak that wouldn’t cut.”

 

Really? For a moment, swept up by Seo Jeongwon’s words, Sunjong nodded. Well, if it were his usual personality, he wouldn’t have gone to carry briquettes in the first place, and when he realized the steak was tough, he would’ve gotten up and left the restaurant. Hearing Seo Jeongwon’s words, it did seem like he was ‘pretending to be nice,’ though his standards were a little—no, a lot—different from others.

 

“No… but you said you thought you were too harsh on Ha Yeonjun too. That you felt pity.”

 

“I did, back then.”

 

“And now?”

 

Now? It was better than last night, but still, that pale face was bothering him from somewhere in his mind or heart, he didn’t know which. That face, pale from pain, was so pitiful that he couldn’t help but keep staring without even realizing it.

 

“I’m not really thinking about it.”

 

Seo Jeongwon looked quietly at Sunjong and lied. Then he bowed his upper body, lowering his face toward the makeup artist Oh Nayoung, who had come and stood in front of him. Because no matter how much Oh Nayoung stood on her tiptoes, it was difficult for her to comfortably touch the face of Seo Jeongwon, who was nearly 190cm tall.

 

“Thank you, oppa.”

 

“For what.”

 

At the short but affectionate voice, makeup artist Oh Nayoung smiled, and Sunjong let out a sigh. Should he call it hypocritical, say he’s an amazing actor, or call him a born actor with a fantastic mix of the two? He couldn’t find one clear answer.

 

“Here, please bite this tissue lightly with your lips for a moment.”

 

Seo Jeongwon, who had nodded while meeting Oh Nayoung’s eyes, parted his lips and lightly bit the white tissue she offered with his lips before releasing it. The publicity staff member from the agency captured that image of Seo Jeongwon on his phone. Because he had to collect as many photos as possible to post on SNS.

 

Delighted to have captured a photo that would inevitably get a reaction from not just fans but the general public, the publicity staff member showed Sunjong the photo of Seo Jeongwon biting the tissue with his lips. Sunjong nodded as he looked at the photo. It was another photo that would set online communities and SNS abuzz. Honestly, no one could detract from Seo Jeongwon based on his face and physique. To that extent, all his external attributes were perfect.

 

Oh Nayoung, finished with the makeup touch-up, looked up at Seo Jeongwon as he straightened his posture and made fists with both hands, telling him to do well in the shoot. Seo Jeongwon nodded with a warm smile. Even though he was standing in a place where the lighting wasn’t very bright, the spot where Seo Jeongwon stood strangely looked brighter than anywhere else.

 

“You know all the advertisers are coming today, right? Be polite.”

 

“Do your job properly. When have you ever seen me curse at an advertiser?”

 

“Haven’t seen it. You don’t curse openly.”

 

Though you do make them want to curse. Of course, Sunjong didn’t voice the latter part aloud and watched Seo Jeongwon enter the studio, take his place under the lights, and sit down. When watching from a slight distance like this, he really was a perfect person. With such perfect looks and physique that made one wonder how someone like that could exist, even Manager Kim Sunjong couldn’t help but occasionally marvel.

 

“Who’s that actor? He’s handsome.”

 

“Manager-nim, his Instagram is blowing up right now. I posted a photo from the ad shoot, and I put that one from earlier at the front. The one biting the tissue. As soon as I posted it, it’s chaos now. In just three minutes, the comments are at four thousand… no, five thousand…”

 

As he watched the hearts and comments rapidly increasing with each refresh, Sunjong took in the sight of Seo Jeongwon in actor mode, shining and splendid enough to seem not of this world. Please, just from the twenty-eighth, ten days from now, have a little, just a little more humanity… That was the only thing Sunjong wished for.

 

***

 

Yeonjun, who had taken a bite of the cream bread the shop owner had given him, searched for Seo Jeongwon on a portal site. Seeing a photo of Seo Jeongwon getting his makeup touched up, labeled as a behind-the-scenes sketch from an ad shoot, Yeonjun smiled faintly. Seeing the photo of him bowing his upper body and biting a tissue for the short staff member reminded him of the Seo Jeongwon who had held his hand that day, making his hands grow warm with heat. Feeling embarrassed, Yeonjun pointlessly took another bite of the cream bread. The memory of Seo Jeongwon that day, surfacing in his mind, was far sweeter than the white cream.

 

‘It’s fine to take me home.’

 

He really could have just dropped him off and left, but Yeonjun couldn’t forget even a bit of the Seo Jeongwon from that day who had walked him all the way to his doorstep. Though it had already been several days, the memory of that day was still as vivid to Yeonjun as if it had just happened. Yeonjun, with the cream bread held between his lips, blankly thought of Seo Jeongwon.

 

‘Ha Yeonjun.’

 

The affectionate voice calling his name. With that warm voice, it felt as if all the winter lingering around him had completely melted away.

 

‘Thank you for liking me. This is sincere.’

 

He should have said that it wasn’t that he liked him, but that he was someone he couldn’t help but like, but foolishly, he was so moved he couldn’t even say the important words. The thought made Yeonjun let out a short sigh and slump his shoulders. At that small movement, the bread bag rustled. Startled by the sound, Yeonjun quickly ate a bit of the bread he was holding and placed it down on the low table.

 

Because it was an old phone, the response was slow, and last year when he went to his aunt’s house, his cousin got angry and threw the phone, cracking the screen, but this phone was the most important object Yeonjun couldn’t do without. Because it allowed him to see news and photos of Seo Jeongwon.

 

Even though he felt sorry and displeased that the cracked screen put lines over Seo Jeongwon’s face, he was still so glad he could at least keep seeing his face like this. These nights, eating a simple dinner after coming back from his part-time job and looking at Seo Jeongwon, were Yeonjun’s only happy time of the day.

 

[Auntie: Is our Yeonjun doing well? Is it okay to call now?]

 

A message from his aunt appeared along with a vibration. The bright energy that had been lingering on Yeonjun’s face settled calmly. Yeonjun was afraid of his aunt. He knew she was a good person who took him in when he had no one and let him live with her, but for some reason, he was always afraid of his aunt. To the point where he felt he was a bad person for being afraid of such a good aunt. Yeonjun took a deep breath and pressed the call button. Before the signal had even rung three times, his aunt’s voice came through.

 

-Yeonjun-ah, it’s Auntie.

 

“Yes… Auntie. Have you been well?”

 

-Auntie, well, I’m always the same. So, did you come back from your part-time today too?

 

“…Yes.”

 

-It must be tough in the cold. Auntie should be with you, making you warm meals and all.

 

The gentle voice reaching his ears evoked a strange tension. Yeonjun bit his dry lips firmly and rubbed the floor anxiously with his fingertips. Even though he was just on a call with his aunt and she wasn’t even nearby, Yeonjun’s back and waist were stiff with tension.

 

-The money you earn working so hard, you should save it well so later our Yeonjun can buy a nice house, get married, and all.

 

“…Yes.”

 

-Tomorrow’s payday, right?

 

“Yes.”

 

-As usual, after keeping only the absolute minimum you need, send the rest, and Auntie will save it well and give it to you later. You know Auntie has been saving all the money that came in your name all this time, right?

 

“…Yes. I know. I’ll send it right away tomorrow when I get it, Auntie.”

 

-Yeah, good. Does Hyunchang still contact you these days?

 

At the sudden mention of Kim Hyunchang’s name, Yeonjun’s spine turned cold. With a face a little more frightened, Yeonjun shook his head while holding the phone.

 

“No. He doesn’t.”

 

-Hyunchang asks about you once in a while. He says since you’re living alone, he should go clean for you or bring you side dishes, but I told him it’s fine since you might feel uncomfortable seeing Hyunchang too.

 

His aunt also knew about Kim Hyunchang turning the locked doorknob every night in front of his cousin Yeonjun’s room, coaxing and pleading to open the door, eventually shouting. She was someone who worried and disliked more than anyone that her own son was moving in an unhealthy direction. That’s why, even though Yeonjun was afraid of his aunt, he couldn’t escape from her. Because she was the most certain person protecting him from Kim Hyunchang.

 

-Hyunchang won’t come looking for you. As long as our Yeonjun doesn’t make Auntie worry.

 

“…….”

 

-If your contact keeps cutting off, or the money you’ve been sending regularly doesn’t come in, then I might think something happened… I’d have no choice but to tell Hyunchang to go check. Auntie isn’t well, so it’s hard for me to go up hills, and your uncle is the same.

 

“…Yes. That won’t happen.”

 

-Yeah. It shouldn’t. Our Yeonjun will surely do well. Because he’s so kind. You know our Yeonjun isn’t Auntie’s nephew but her youngest son, right?

 

“…Yes.”

 

-It’s cold, be careful not to catch a cold, and I’ll call again next time. Go inside.

 

Contrary to the gentle voice, the call cut off abruptly the moment she finished speaking. Only then did all the tension that had built up in his body slump out. Just from a phone call, his body was damp with cold sweat.

 

Kim Hyunchang, his aunt’s son who frightened Yeonjun, was three years older than Yeonjun. After Yeonjun entered that household, Kim Hyunchang, under the pretext of being a cousin of the same generation, always paid attention to Yeonjun.

 

The hand that patted his back, telling him to adapt well to the house, mixed with an inexplicable gaze, moved to caress his cheek, and that twisted interest eventually escalated to the point of turning the doorknob of Yeonjun’s room every night when everyone was asleep. Seeing the locked doorknob turn in vain every night, Yeonjun, who couldn’t sleep properly for three years, had no choice but to leave the house.

 

Kim Hyunchang was the one who opposed with crazed eyes until the end Yeonjun leaving his aunt’s house to live on his own. Even against his aunt’s words that if Yeonjun was more comfortable, it was right to let him live alone, he rebelled until the end. Furious at Yeonjun for leaving the house with his aunt’s help while he wasn’t home, he had spat every curse imaginable over the phone.

 

If there was one saving grace, it was that neither Kim Hyunchang nor his uncle knew Yeonjun’s exact address. Only his aunt knew Yeonjun’s home address. That’s why Yeonjun was both grateful to and afraid of his aunt for not giving his address to Kim Hyunchang. It was also the reason he had to deposit his entire salary to his aunt every month, keeping only the minimum living expenses she allowed.

 

Occasionally, he would see a figure like Kim Hyunchang’s near the station or down alleyways. At those times, Yeonjun would hide somewhere, trembling for a long time, and only after the person disappeared would he run home, looking back the whole way. Only after safely entering his home and locking the door would his breath, which he hadn’t been able to catch properly, spill out in a mess.

 

‘Yeonjun-ah, open the door. It’s Hyung. I said it’s Hyung. Be good.’

 

Even now, years after leaving that house, he sometimes suffered from that auditory hallucination. On very windy days or days with heavy rain, mixed with the sound of the door being disturbed, it felt like he could hear Kim Hyunchang’s voice.

 

“…….”

 

After calling his aunt about once a month, memories of living in that house always surfaced. Yeonjun shook his head, scattering the thoughts filling his mind, and picked up his phone again, entering the folder where photos were saved. Pressing the photo of him with Seo Jeongwon that appeared first, Yeonjun enlarged the part with Seo Jeongwon’s face and stared quietly at the screen.

 

His heart, which had been pounding quickly as if anxious, began to slowly lose that anxious feeling. The warmth and affection of the moment he touched Seo Jeongwon covered over the negative emotions, including fear, that had taken root. Yeonjun’s stiff lips, which had been calmly settled, softened again, holding a smile.

 

Seo Jeongwon was such a presence to Yeonjun. Someone who made him forget emotions he wanted to forget in an instant, who imbued him with a coziness he had never felt even in dreams. Ha Yeonjun’s one and only mental support.

 

Yeonjun smiled. The night he had tossed and turned, unable to sleep properly, had already changed as if nothing had happened. That alone made it a night as affectionate as Seo Jeongwon.