NANOM Ch 26

It felt so good that I wondered if it was even okay to feel this way. For the first time in a long while, I didn’t feel like someone’s puppet but like a truly living person. So, I wanted to stay like this just a little longer.

Even without turning around, I could feel the driver’s gaze fixed on me as he got out of the car, but he showed no intention of stopping me from quietly taking in the scenery.

Just a little longer like this, just a bit more…

“Kim Jeonghyun!”

At that moment, a familiar voice jolted my ears awake. Startled, I turned my head toward the sound, my mouth agape in shock.

Approaching me, calling my name, was, to my astonishment, Woojae. The one I had so desperately hoped to reach.

“…Woo, Woojae…. Woojae-ya.”

My voice came out stuttering involuntarily. I stared at Woojae, who was looking at me with a stunned expression, as if a figure from some myth had come to life before me.

Seeing him after so long, he looked even more vibrant than before. He seemed taller than I remembered. Despite his constant talk about snowboarding being his hobby, his skin was darkly tanned, even after the winter.

But the first emotion I felt upon encountering Woojae wasn’t joy or relief. A few months ago, when I desperately needed his help, that might have been the case, but strangely, what surged up now was embarrassment. It was unease about meeting Woojae in this situation, looking like this. However, the most urgent issue at hand was something else entirely.

I had to get out of here before Jihyuk saw this situation.

That was the only thought in my mind.

But Woojae, who had spotted me after months, wasn’t about to let me go quietly. Before I could turn and get back into the car, Woojae strode toward me with quick steps, his face lit up with excitement.

“Hey, you punk! Why have you been so out of touch? Not a single friend of ours could reach you all winter. You’re on a leave of absence, and this is how you act?”

But Woojae, who had been cheerfully pouring out words, suddenly stopped in his tracks right in front of me. Staring at me silently, he made a strange expression.

“Hey, Kim Jeonghyun. You… what’s wrong? Have you been crying?”

“…Huh? N-no, I haven’t….”

Woojae grabbed my shoulders firmly as I stammered and avoided his gaze. His grip was surprisingly strong, enough to startle me.

“Kim Jeonghyun! What’s going on?! Why… why do you look like this, your face…?”

The more Woojae shouted at me, the more my heart pounded wildly. I shouldn’t have gotten out of the car. Regret came crashing in like a tidal wave, but it was too late for that now. Who would’ve thought I’d run into Woojae in this vast campus?

“There’s nothing wrong with my face… I’m fine.”

I forced a smile, but I couldn’t meet Woojae’s eyes directly. However, lowering my gaze like a scared child and turning my head to avoid his stare seemed to arouse even more suspicion in him. He shook my shoulders with a worried expression, raising his voice as he pressed me.

“What do you mean you’re fine? Dude, you look… you look really bad right now. Got it?”

Even though his movements weren’t rough, my weakened body fluttered like a piece of paper in his grip. I mumbled weakly for him to let go, grabbing his hand and pushing it away. Seeing Woojae’s fierce demeanor, a quiet unease cast a long shadow within me.

What Woojae probably meant to say was that I looked really strange. I didn’t need him to tell me that—I already knew. I had seen it in the mirror before I left. But Woojae swallowed those words, unable to say them to my face. Instead, he gripped my shoulders more tightly and whispered in a serious tone.

“Kim Jeonghyun. Tell me straight. Is something going on with you?”

Woojae’s sharp gaze persistently burrowed into my face as I hung my head completely. His concern, undoubtedly genuine, felt like a burden, something I hated and feared in that moment.

My heart was now pounding as if it might burst. I felt like I might have another episode like earlier. I desperately told myself to stay calm, but it was hard to control my clouded mind. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head vigorously.

“I’m fine. I’m, I’m fine. I’m okay, so next time, I’ll contact you later….”

“Kim Jeonghyun! Open your eyes. Are you not going to look at me?”

For the first time, Woojae was getting angry at me. His growling voice kept pressing me.

“Tell me straight. Anyone can see something’s wrong with you right now. You’ve been unreachable all break, and now you show up looking completely wrecked. What the h**l is going on?”

With a still serious expression, Woojae added.

“If you need help, just say it. I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”

My drifting consciousness, floating in a river of anxiety, came to a halt. At some point in the past, when I so desperately needed Woojae, those were the words I had longed to hear.

I would have grabbed onto him. The old me would have. Shamelessly, I would have clung to that desperately desired helping hand without hesitation.

And I would have been swept up in the vain, false hope that Woojae might lend me that huge sum of money. Just like the foolish me who had believed in Taejun hyung and made that call.

But now I knew. There was no way Woojae, a practical stranger, would lend me such a large amount of money. Even if, by some miracle, he could, no one could pour as much care into me as Jihyuk was doing now.

In exchange for just my body, Jihyuk was giving me far too much. Having nowhere else to turn, I had entrusted not only myself but also my mother and Jeonghee to Jihyuk, relying on him under the condition of being with him.

Jihyuk, who had crashed into my life like a disaster, had already swallowed me with an inescapable pressure. Like a deep swamp that pulls in a struggling person even more the harder they fight.

Already swallowed up to my chest by this swamp, I could neither escape nor wanted to. Having been plunged to the bottom countless times, I no longer dared to dream of standing on solid ground.

If I said that sometimes I found peace in the dark, damp swamp that was swallowing me, who in the world would understand? My relationship with Jihyuk wasn’t something I could proudly show to anyone, but I didn’t want to disrupt it any further.

I didn’t want to make Jihyuk angry anymore, not at all. I didn’t want to provoke or stir up Jihyuk, who was already thoroughly entertained by toying with me, with any foolish actions. As long as Jihyuk found amusement in playing with me, I would lie still at his feet like a dead mouse.

“I’m fine… You don’t need to help me.”

So now it was time to push Woojae away. With a trembling but firm voice, I said to him.

“I have something urgent to do. I’ll go now.”

“Kim Jeonghyun, wait! Just talk for a second.”

“No, I’m fine. I… I have to go.”

“Kim Jeonghyun!”

Woojae’s loud voice, scolding me, pierced my ears. Startled by the volume, I flinched, and at the same time, Woojae’s hand grabbed my wrist. A scream escaped me instinctively.

“Ah, it hurts!”

“…Sorry, Jeonghyun-ah. You really need help…”

Startled by my scream, Woojae loosened his grip slightly but didn’t let go of my arm. But the pain I felt was less urgent than something else. I was desperately trying to shake off Woojae’s hold when—

“Let go, you b**t**d.”

A playful, teasing voice came from right behind me. The fresh scent of cologne I had smelled that morning hit me, and at the same time, Woojae’s hand, which had been holding me, was forcibly pulled away.

“Our teacher doesn’t want you.”

Finally, my arm was released. Woojae’s wrist, which I had thought was quite thick, was helplessly subdued under Jihyuk’s overwhelmingly large grip.

“…What the h**l?”

Woojae’s expression twisted with confusion and anger. He had been blatantly ignored by Jihyuk before, at the school gate. Raising his furious gaze to Jihyuk, Woojae didn’t seem like he was going to let it slide this time.

“Who the h**l are you, you b**t**d?”

His ferocious voice rang out. Though Woojae usually went around with a cheerful smile, he had a bit of a temper.

I felt dizzy. Images of a violent scene flashed in my mind, and my body trembled uncontrollably. Of course, the one I was worried about wasn’t Jihyuk but Woojae. Turning pale, I waved my hands at Woojae, trying to hold him back.

“W-Woojae-ya. Wait a second. Just listen to me for a moment…”

“Hey, Kim Jeonghyun. Who the h**l is this guy? Isn’t he that kid you used to tutor?”

Woojae turned his angry gaze to me. His chest heaved as he breathed heavily. Unlike Woojae, whose face was flushed red with anger, Jihyuk was just smirking smugly. Jihyuk’s attitude, as if he was deliberately trying to provoke him, only fueled Woojae’s rage further.

“The college entrance exam is over, so why don’t you just disappear back to your school? Why are you still following Kim Jeonghyun around like a dog?”

“This is my school.”

“…What?”

Woojae was momentarily speechless at Jihyuk’s calm retort. Seizing the moment, I quickly grabbed Woojae’s arm, trying to turn him around.

“Go, just go now, Woojae-ya. I’ll, I’ll contact you later.”

“Kim Jeonghyun! Let go of me.”

But Woojae, already worked up, roughly shook off my hand and lunged toward Jihyuk again. At that moment, a loud shout burst out of me involuntarily.

“Please, just go! Don’t make this harder for me!”

The desperate cry that erupted from deep within my chest was loud enough to make passersby turn their heads. Only then did Woojae’s momentum falter. With an expression as if he might cry any moment, I pushed at Woojae’s back again.

“Go. Please… Just go.”

“…You… Kim Jeonghyun, you…”

Woojae’s face still bore a dumbfounded expression. Perhaps sensing something in my desperate voice and tearful expression, he took a couple of steps back but didn’t turn away, staring at me blankly. His face, full of disbelief, looked as if he was under a spell.

It must have been a shock. As he said, a close friend had been out of touch all winter, and now I showed up in this pathetic state. With my former tutoring student in tow, no less.

Moreover, I had never raised my voice at Woojae before, let alone gotten angry with him. So it made sense that he was wearing such a stunned expression. Knowing Woojae’s genuine concern for me made my heart sink even further into despair, but now was the time to push him away. For my sake. And for his.

Then Jihyuk, slightly curling up the corner of his mouth, spoke to Woojae.

“Are you deaf? Our teacher doesn’t want to see your face, so get lost.”

Jihyuk’s slow words were unmistakably provocative. His mocking, grinning face reignited the anger in Woojae, who had been momentarily stunned. Woojae’s eyes flashed fiercely, and suddenly, something swung in front of me.

“Woojae!”

A scream burst from my mouth instinctively. But at the same time, Woojae’s body, which had thrown a punch at Jihyuk, staggered大きく. Jihyuk, who had smoothly dodged the punch, had a mischievous yet dangerous glint in his eyes. He grabbed Woojae’s thick wrist with one hand and swiftly twisted his arm behind his back.

“Argh!”

Woojae’s arm, twisted unnaturally, was still held tightly. He crouched in pain, letting out an agonized scream. Gasping as if he could barely breathe, Woojae wildly kicked at Jihyuk’s shin, but Jihyuk easily dodged even that, tightening his grip on the twisted arm.

“Ah, argh!”

“Stop it! Jihyuk-ah, please!”

Woojae’s increasingly desperate screams made my head feel like it was being squeezed tightly. My vision went white, and my breath started to catch as if I might suffocate. The selfish thought of wanting to pass out crossed my mind in this urgent, hopeless situation.

But I had to pull myself together. The driver, standing idly by, probably wouldn’t stop Jihyuk without his orders. And the curious onlookers were starting to gather. I had to resolve this before a crowd formed, and I was the only one who could.

I quickly grabbed Jihyuk’s arm and clung to it, just like I had pleaded with him when he was brutally beating Jiwon.

“Please, Jihyuk-ah. Please… let’s stop now. Okay? Please…”

With a voice cracking with desperation, I clung to Jihyuk’s arm and shook it. Unlike Woojae, whose face was red with rage, Jihyuk’s expression seemed to be simply enjoying the situation. Like a child playing a dangerous game with an innocent look.

A chill ran through me. Just as Jiwon, who had defied Jihyuk, had been utterly defeated, I feared Woojae would end up the same way.

From our first meeting, Jihyuk’s overwhelming presence wasn’t just about his appearance or demeanor. I had never seen him as part of a group, but I instinctively knew. Jihyuk had never been the weak one and was likely the leader in any crowd.

Jihyuk’s attitude as he toyed with Woojae wasn’t mere bravado—it was the distinct confidence and arrogance of someone born with wealth, power, and everything else. Even though Woojae was no less capable than anyone else, the stark difference in dominance when compared to Jihyuk was painfully clear.

“Please. Okay? Jihyuk-ah…”

With trembling lips, I pleaded once more.

“…Let’s, let’s go home. I want to go home…”

I blurted out whatever came to mind. But my words seemed more persuasive than I expected. The hand that had been painfully twisting Woojae’s arm finally let go with a snap.

As Jihyuk carelessly shoved Woojae’s body, Woojae, who had been crouched over with his arm twisted, collapsed to the ground with a groan. Fearing Woojae might get up and charge again, I grabbed Jihyuk’s arm and hurriedly opened the car door.

Fortunately, the car was parked slightly off to the side, not directly in front of the main gate, and since it had all happened so quickly, there were hardly any onlookers yet. Still, I had to prevent more attention. I quickly climbed into the car with Jihyuk, my trembling voice barely managing to form words.

“…Please, drive. Please…”

At my words, the driver glanced at Jihyuk through the rearview mirror. When Jihyuk nodded with a faint smile, the car started immediately.

Jihyuk seemed amused that I had directly given the driver an order. He chuckled and said playfully.

“Now you’re even playing the role of the lady of the house.”

Despite his smile, my racing heart refused to calm down. I couldn’t tell if it was pounding out of relief that the situation hadn’t escalated further or out of despair that Jihyuk had caught me with Woojae. Perhaps it was both.

Anxiety swirled chaotically within me like a cocktail. What would happen to me once we got home? In my state, completely consumed by fear, I couldn’t even gauge Jihyuk’s mood, let alone predict what would happen next. Jihyuk was clearly angry, but at the same time, he didn’t seem entirely displeased. It was a contradictory thought, but it felt true.

Suddenly, Jihyuk’s hand reached toward my face. Reflexively, I flinched and squeezed my eyes shut, thinking it was time to get hit.

I clenched my teeth and braced myself for a moment, but Jihyuk’s hand, which had come close, was only gently brushing my hair. I opened my eyes slightly. Jihyuk’s face, enjoying my frightened expression, came into view.

“What, scared I’d hit you?”

Jihyuk laughed with a low chuckle. From experience, nothing good ever came after he laughed so ominously. I called out to him with a desperate expression.

“Jihyuk-ah… I’m sorry…”

“For what.”

“…I…”

This was my last chance to soften Jihyuk’s heart before getting beaten, but I didn’t know what to say.

What was I apologizing for? For getting out of the car and staring at the campus, resolving to live on despite this miserable life? Or for standing there stupidly and running into Woojae by chance?

I didn’t know exactly what to apologize for, but I knew I was d**n unlucky. Swallowing my words in bitter sorrow, Jihyuk suddenly spoke up.

“Our teacher’s pretty smart. You know my mood’s s**tty and you’re trying to sweet-talk your way out.”

As expected, Jihyuk’s mood wasn’t entirely good. My heart started beating louder and faster.

“You were all excited to go on a date with me outside, but do you know how pissed I was seeing you caught up with that b**t**d?”

“…S-s-sorry…”

My words kept stumbling out foolishly. I clenched and unclenched my sweaty hands, constantly gauging his reactions. Not knowing when I might get slapped, I instinctively gritted my teeth.

“Don’t be scared. I’ll give you some credit. You didn’t make any reckless requests to that guy.”

With a generous smile, Jihyuk gently stroked my face. The warm touch released the stifled breath trapped in my chest. But his next words made me swallow hard again.

“If you’d been foolish enough to ask that idiot for help this time too.”

“…”

“I think you’d be getting beaten by me right about now.”

Jihyuk’s dry voice cut through the air in the car. Despite his smile, his expression felt chilling. Looking at his face, brimming with pure sincerity, I could only bite my innocent lips.

“But since you did something wrong, you’ll have to be punished.”

“…”

“First, tell me with your own mouth what you did wrong.”

Jihyuk’s words had the effect of pulling me up to the surface only to plunge me back underwater. The tension that had briefly eased with his praise tightened around my body and mind once again.

Part of me felt wronged. As Jihyuk said, I had clearly rejected Woojae’s offer. He must have heard it, which is why he said that.

So what was left that I did wrong? No matter how much I thought, there was nothing. Meeting Woojae by chance? Even Jihyuk couldn’t blame me for something so coincidental. But under his piercing, urging gaze, I forced myself to speak.

“…I… ran into Woojae…?”

“That was by chance, wasn’t it?”

“…”

My feeble answer was cut off immediately. Now I truly had nothing to say. Would I get hit if I said I didn’t know? Blinking rapidly and chewing my lips, Jihyuk slowly spoke.

“Teacher. Do you know what pissed me off the most since the Jiwon thing? It’s you worrying about those b**t**ds in front of me.”

There was an emotion in his tone that went beyond displeasure. Jihyuk’s expression, with his brows furrowed fiercely, looked—though it seemed unlikely—as if he had been hurt. His agitated voice continued.

“Isn’t that just too rude to me? Does it hurt you that much to see those b**t**ds take a few hits from me? D**n it, teacher. Are you that worried about them?”

“N-n-no, it’s not like that… Really, it’s not. I’m, I’m sorry.”

I desperately grabbed Jihyuk’s arm and shook my head.

“I… I never worried about them, not once… I just… I was worried about you…”

“…”

“…You…”

I wanted to defend myself somehow, but my words kept getting stuck. In Jihyuk’s eyes, no matter what I said or how I said it, it would sound like useless excuses. Still, desperate to survive, I tried to speak, moving my lips repeatedly.

“…What I mean is, I…”

But that was my limit. His gaze, staring at me as if daring me to keep talking, made my heart freeze. His eyes, like a giant beast submerged in a swamp, seemed to absorb my entire existence, scolding and pressuring me.

I had lost the ability to think for myself and even the eloquence to defend my situation. Or perhaps I had chosen to lose them. In the end, there was only one thing I could say to Jihyuk. Giving up came so easily, leading to submission.

“…I was wrong.”

My mumbling voice had no strength.

“…I did everything wrong…”

The punishment Jihyuk would impose felt despairingly terrifying, yet it also brought a strange sense of relief. Rather than painstakingly choosing words to save myself in front of Jihyuk, it was easier to quickly admit my fault and wait for his judgment. The endless repetition of a simple, destructive life had finally broken the part of my mind capable of thinking.

What I did wrong no longer mattered much. What mattered more was how satisfied Jihyuk was with my submissive, blind attitude and how much he found me pitiful and endearing. My future and my family’s future were entirely in Jihyuk’s hands. My top priority wasn’t grand concepts like self-realization or personal will—it was not being cast out of Jihyuk’s favor.

“Good to know you’re aware.”

Jihyuk said this and smiled brightly.

“Then let’s hurry home and face your punishment.”

With those final words, Jihyuk turned his head toward the car window and added nothing more. I, too, lowered my head, staring only at my knees. The car continued driving toward the house.

My heart was pounding frantically inside, but the surface of my mind, shrouded in a heavy, gloomy shadow, was strangely calm.

I did the right thing. If I had kept making pointless excuses, I’d probably be kneeling at Jihyuk’s feet right now, getting slapped across the face. So really, really, I did the right thing…

Pathetic excuses and self-consolation continued all the way home. The self-defense I couldn’t bring myself to voice to Jihyuk repeated endlessly in my head, as if brainwashing myself.

I did the right thing. Making Jihyuk even a little less angry was the right choice. This was the correct decision. Even if I didn’t know exactly what I did wrong, admitting my fault to Jihyuk was the best choice.

I nearly muttered those words aloud without realizing it. Swallowing the voice that threatened to escape, I kept stealing glances at Jihyuk. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to hear the faint mumbling I was doing to myself. Or perhaps he heard but didn’t care.

The car stopped. The walk from the underground parking lot to the house felt like a thousand miles. My steps were heavy, as if my ankles were chained. I hadn’t even dreamed something like this would happen when I left the house. With a gloomy gaze, I watched the red numbers on the elevator climb floor by floor.

“Come in.”

The sound of the passcode being entered rang out, and the door opened. I stepped reluctantly into the entrance. Inside the house, Jihyuk’s familiar, heavy scent mingled with another smell. Sadly and absurdly, the scent blending so naturally with Jihyuk’s was my own.

As soon as I took off my shoes at the entrance, I didn’t hesitate and immediately stripped off all my clothes. Kneeling, I crawled slowly to my room right next to the entrance, picking up the collar placed on the bedside table. I opened the collar, wrapped it around my neck, and it clicked into place.

Jihyuk, standing at the doorway watching me, gave a faint smile.

“Our teacher’s gotten much better at knowing his place.”

“…”

“What, trying to ease my anger even a little?”

Jihyuk’s tone, noticeably softer than before, made my ears perk up. I nodded desperately, crawling on my knees to bury my forehead against his thigh. Kneeling at his feet, I rubbed my lips and face against the c**tch of his pants, looking up at him.

“Oh, so cute. But stop with the charm. I’m not letting you off.”

Despite the stern content of his words, his voice carried a hint of amusement.

“Come here.”

As I buried my face between his legs, frantically trying to please him, my throat suddenly tightened with a choke. Jihyuk yanked the leash upward sharply and dragged me back toward the entrance. I had thought he’d beat me mercilessly as soon as we got home, so I was trying to appease him to get hit less. But now, frozen with wide eyes, I couldn’t move.

Was he going to throw me out? No way. No way, it couldn’t be. Not like this, not in this state… Getting beaten would be a hundred times better. I clung to Jihyuk’s legs and pleaded desperately.

“N-no, please. Don’t… don’t do this.”

“What? What do you think I’m going to do?”

“Please…”

My pleas were mixed with sobs. I shook my head vigorously in desperation.

“I-I was wrong. Jihyuk-ah. I was wrong. I’ll do better. I won’t do it again. I won’t go anywhere. I won’t talk to anyone. So… don’t, don’t throw me out…”

“Calm down.”

Jihyuk’s low voice cut through my frantic babbling in an instant. Gently brushing back my sweat-soaked hair, he whispered softly.

“I’m not throwing you out. Why would I throw out what’s mine, stripped like this, out there? If I threw you out like this, every stray dog in the neighborhood would come chasing after our teacher to have a go.”

Jihyuk’s mockery was crude, but I had no time to feel shame. The only thing that mattered to me was whether he would cast me out or not.

“Then, then why, why here…”

“Hmm.”

Jihyuk made a noncommittal sound and, without answering, hooked the leash onto the door handle. Then he began tying it tightly. Unlike the playful way he usually draped it lightly, his hands pulled it taut, binding it firmly, and my throat started to constrict.

The pressure on my neck was unlike anything before. My body was pulled tightly against the door. Jihyuk, having securely tied me to the entrance, stretched his lips into a satisfied smile.

“Now, let’s start the punishment.”

At the word “punishment,” I held my breath, narrowing my eyes to watch his next move. But contrary to my expectations, nothing came flying at me. Instead, Jihyuk slowly spoke.

“This is to fix that s**tty habit of you thinking about other guys in front of me, so don’t feel too bad about it.”

“…Huh…?”

“Just stay here quietly, thinking only of me. Got it?”

After finishing, Jihyuk patted my head and even leaned down to kiss my forehead. For someone about to administer punishment, his actions were excessively sweet.

“You’re going to miss me a lot.”

Leaving behind those enigmatic words, Jihyuk pushed the door open. My body, crawling on my knees, was pulled outside with him, only to be pushed back inside as he closed the door from the outside. The leash was so short that I had no choice but to crouch awkwardly, n**ed, by the entrance, practically hanging from the door.

B**g.

With that sound, a solid barrier was placed between Jihyuk and me. The time of his punishment had begun.

📖

In the spot where Jihyuk left, only the lingering scent of his cologne remained. In his house, filled entirely with Jihyuk’s possessions, I was left alone, n**ed.

Like a dog abandoned by its owner, I stared blankly at the closed door. Unable to see beyond it, I had no way of knowing what expression Jihyuk wore as he walked away from me. But for the first time, I felt an urge to grab him as he turned away from me today.

I didn’t know why. My instincts were simply telling me to hold onto him.

“Jihyuk-ah! Jihyuk-ah, please… Jihyuk-ah!”

With a hoarse voice, I called his name repeatedly, desperately banging my head against the closed door. My hands were tied behind me, so that was the only way. But the sound of his footsteps grew fainter until they completely faded from my ears.

My head throbbed from repeatedly hitting the door. Dizzy to the point of the world spinning, I stopped banging my head and squeezed my eyes shut. Unable to rub my stinging forehead with my hands, I felt even more frustrated.

I leaned my back against the shoe rack right next to the entrance and crouched down. The tight leash and my bound hands were uncomfortable, but I couldn’t stay kneeling forever.

The cold, hard floor hurt my hip bones. Jihyuk’s irritated voice, complaining that I was getting thinner with every encounter, echoed in my mind. Perhaps because I’d lost so much weight, even crouching for a short time made my hips ache. Eventually, I awkwardly knelt again.

After shifting positions a couple of times, I had nothing left to do. The pain I had to endure came in dozens of forms, but the heavy silence filling the house added to it. I cast a blank gaze at the entrance door, then at my room, where the door was slightly ajar.

Just this morning, I had been in that room. Though leashed, I could lie comfortably on the bed and go to the bathroom freely. But now…

“…”

Like a child not invited to a birthday party, I peered into the room, then dropped my gaze to my bare knees. I didn’t want to look at the warm, cozy room anymore. The jealousy and resentment rising in my heart were directed at none other than the me who had been in that room until this morning.

I’m not in my right mind. With a self-deprecating thought, I shut my eyes tightly. But the spark that had ignited refused to die out, smoldering and rising.

Why did I get out of the car?

Why didn’t I run away the moment I saw Woojae?

Why… why did I try to seek help from someone other than Jihyuk back then?

As I leaned my head against the door, kneeling uncomfortably, unbearable emotions kept surging. The arrows of resentment even turned toward the past me.

The hatred rising like flames to consume me was directed at no one but myself. The pain numbing my knees, being n**ed and tied up like a dog on this cold floor—it was all my own doing.

Because I was… stupid.

My hoarse voice muttered to itself.

Because I’m a dumb b**t**d who doesn’t know how to think…

Jihyuk had once said that. I thought there couldn’t be a more fitting phrase. If you’re going to sell your body, you should do it cleverly and cunningly, but I couldn’t even do that well.

Thud, thud. The desperate sound I had made earlier to hold onto Jihyuk echoed through the entrance again. Only after the sharp pain shot through my body from my head did I realize I was banging my head against the door without any purpose.

“I hate myself. I hate myself… I hate myself…”

Like a broken wind-up toy, the same words kept spilling from my mouth. The short, clear phrase, already etched vividly in my mind, repeated in my ears like a mantra. Hearing the words I spoke, that thought solidified into certainty.

I hated myself to death. I despised the stupid me, and I loathed the me who only knew how to spread my legs.

With two family members to take care of, I resented the past choices where I dared to seek an easier life through someone other than Jihyuk. Knowing full well this was Jihyuk’s school, I wanted to do something about the me who had been talking to Woojae.

There were times in the past when I wanted to shoot arrows of resentment outward while living. Secretly resenting the world didn’t feel as stifling as this.

But now, there was only one target for the thousands of arrows. As countless arrows struck, my lone body shook helplessly with each hit.

“…Ah, ah… ah…”

My chest felt so tight. If I could just hit my chest a few times, I might be able to breathe. Just a few times, just a few hits might make it okay…

“Hurk, heu, ugh, huk.”

My breathing grew faster. No matter how much I tried to free my hands, tied tightly with shoelaces, it was no use. I thrashed my body, trying to loosen the leash or my hands, but the more I struggled, the more the ropes dug into my skin, pressing harder.

Please. Just once. Just one hit to my chest…

“Ahh, ah… ugh!”

My increasingly frantic thrashing stopped.

The porridge I ate this morning surged up my throat and spilled onto the floor. The fully digested, pale liquid splattered across the entrance. I retched a couple more times, but nothing else came up.

Hurk, hurk. Gasping for breath, I panted as if I might die. Tears and snot mixed together, dripping to the floor, and my forehead was soaked with cold sweat.

As my vision gradually cleared, I came to my senses too late. All that struggling just to hit my chest a few times, and I ended up vomiting. The hostility toward myself transformed into resignation, quietly settling within me. That’s just how I am. Muttering, I shifted to avoid the vomit and crouched against the door again.

My panting breaths slowly calmed. The house wasn’t objectively cold, but the floor was so chilly that my body kept shivering.

My bare skin against the floor was starting to go numb. I laboriously dragged my sneakers over with my feet and sat on them. Only then did I feel slightly better.

“…”

My frantic gaze finally landed on the clock hanging in the house. Only twenty minutes had passed since Jihyuk left.

📖

Hoping desperately to fall asleep and wake up when Jihyuk returned, I forced my eyes shut, but sleep didn’t come easily.

With my eyes closed, I crouched still and counted numbers in my head. After repeating this countless times, I finally managed to grasp the thin thread of drowsiness. I desperately tried to hold onto that flickering, fragile sleep.

I slept a feather-light sleep. But even in my unconsciousness, I found no salvation. The events of the day scattered and resurfaced in my mind. Gathering the fragmented images, I resented and resented myself again.

Then, I opened my eyes. The brief sleep only brought more intense fatigue and anxiety.

Opening my eyes, I instinctively moved my hands to wrap around my increasingly trembling body. But my awkwardly bound hands only dangled behind my back like a puppet.

“…”

It was cold. Cold, and my throat was dry.

With a fear-filled gaze, I looked at the clock. Only about an hour had passed.

📖

In the endlessly stretching time, the thing I tried hardest to do was to think of nothing at all.

I knew well that thinking about the essence of things would be so painful I’d want to rip open my head and pull out my brain. So, ignoring and burying my situation had become second nature to me.

My relationship with Jihyuk, the reason my situation had come to this, where exactly it all went wrong, whether my very existence was a mistake for being born into this world, whether that was why I was suffering like this. Those kinds of thoughts. So I pushed them aside and forced myself to dwell on trivial things.

When I was very young, there was a small shop run by an old lady in my neighborhood. Right next door was her house, and the gate was always open. The dog tied up inside kept coming to mind today.

The big, white dog was so dirty, I wondered when it had last been bathed. Tied to a very short leash, it lay on its belly in the yard. Always. The dog always looked exhausted, staring into the void.

Passing by, I always wondered. What was that dog thinking? Didn’t it get bored staying like that every day? What was it looking at?

Suddenly recalling that dog, a dry laugh escaped me. Right now, I was sitting n**ed, tied to a short leash at the entrance. Unable to even stretch my legs fully because of my vomit, I was crouched uncomfortably. How was I any different from that dog staring blankly into space?

Thinking that, the faint smile at the corners of my mouth grew wider.

“Haha… ah, haha…”

It wasn’t even that funny, but strangely, I couldn’t stop laughing. The more I laughed, the more it felt like something filling my chest was draining away.

I had a gut feeling that if it all drained out and my chest became completely empty, I’d lose something crucial to being human. Yet, I couldn’t stop laughing.

Thankfully, my eyes, irritated from constant crying, didn’t have to endure more. No tears came. I just kept laughing like a madman. Until my chest was completely empty, showing its bottom.

📖

I started to feel the urge to urinate.

It became unbearable as my lower abdomen grew heavy, past 6 p.m.

📖

“It hurts… it hurts…”

Those words slipped out involuntarily. I couldn’t bear it without saying something.

The clock pointed to 8 p.m.

No stray thoughts came to mind anymore. The tightness in my chest, the dog from my childhood, the hatred toward myself—none of it surfaced. All I could feel with cruel clarity was the urge to urinate and a burning thirst.

Having eaten nothing all day and being tied up, I was cold and hungry too. But those needs were pushed far back. The urge to urinate was so intense that my toes curled involuntarily. One wrong move, and I felt I’d make an unthinkable mistake.

“Ah… ah…”

I knelt, then crouched again when that didn’t work, and even rocked my body. But no matter what, the urge rising to my throat showed no sign of subsiding.

In the face of the most primal need clouding my vision, things like the meaning of existence were meaningless. Mere luxuries. I was in a situation where I might make an unthinkable mistake on the entrance floor. If I were a well-trained dog, I wouldn’t even be struggling to hold back like this.

“Argh, ugh…”

I endured for another hour. Whimpering sounds started coming from my mouth. I was soaked in cold sweat. As if my body, unable to release downward, was pouring it out through my pores instead, sweat streamed like rain.

Soon, liquid started pouring from my eyes too. I began to sob uncontrollably. I could see my bare thighs trembling like they were convulsing. The moment I relaxed the strength in them, it felt like disaster would strike.

No, please, please not that… As I exhaled heavily, trying to control my breathing, a chilling question suddenly struck me.

How long do I have to endure like this?

Will Jihyuk even come back today?

What if Jihyuk has no intention of returning today?

Then I…

“…Ah… ah…”

The moment that thought hit me, the strength I’d been holding tightly in my thighs slipped away involuntarily. At the same time, something that should never have been released began to flow from my body.

“No, no… don’t…”

The sobs I’d been suppressing in my throat burst out alongside it. Trying to hold back was futile. Once it started, no matter how much I tried to stop it, the urine wouldn’t stop. The liquid, pent up all day and filling my bladder to bursting, surged out even more forcefully the harder I tried to hold it.

Sobbing like a child, I let the stream flow endlessly downward. It felt like some massive, hot lump was melting and pouring out endlessly, helplessly.

Not wanting to hear the sound of the liquid hitting the floor, I cried even louder. The urine, arcing in a parabola, splashed messily against the opposite wall. The yellow puddle rapidly expanded, soaking and staining even Jihyuk’s expensive sneakers.

“Ahh, hwaa…”

The stream from below finally stopped after what felt like forever. Having urinated all over the entrance, I cried uncontrollably, staring blankly at the scene before me. The sobs shaking my chest showed no sign of stopping. I just wanted to die. Please, I wanted to die.

Trapped in the entrance, reeking of sour vomit and urine, I writhed, not knowing what to do with my existence. I hated myself and wanted to disappear from this world. What I’d just done was something animals or speechless infants might do, not a sane adult man.

Even in the midst of it, the creeping satisfaction in my lower abdomen from relieving the urgent need was laughable. At the same time, my utterly exhausted body and mind desperately wanted to fall asleep. But now, the burning thirst was the problem. So many things. Mocking myself, I swallowed my sobbing tears.

With this, the target of my hostility became clear, as did the object of my longing. I hated the me who had made this animalistic mistake at the entrance, and at the same time, I wanted Jihyuk more desperately than ever. I wished he’d come back quickly and release me.

He might get angry or mock me for urinating. Maybe he’d slap me for not being able to hold it. Even so, I wanted to see Jihyuk. I was terrified of the Jihyuk who would come for me, but I also missed him so much.

Even if he scolded me, I wished he’d untie these ropes and let me drink water. I wished he’d let me escape this entrance, ruined with urine and vomit. I wished he’d forgive me at this point, continue to accept my existence, and keep me…

“…Jihyuk-ah… heu, Jihyuk-ah…”

My utterly broken mental state kept calling for him desperately, even though he wasn’t here. I sobbed, calling Jihyuk’s name.

Whenever my tear-soaked vision cleared slightly, I saw the mistakes I’d made. Not wanting to see the scene before me, I squeezed my eyes shut. Hot tears leaked endlessly through my swollen, clenched eyelids. As I gasped convulsively, my trembling chest heaving, I heard it.

The familiar sound of footsteps.

My nerves stood on end.

The sound of the door lock being disengaged made my ears perk up. At the same time, my bound hands and body were suddenly yanked backward.

“…! Jihyuk, Jihyuk-ah…!”

My eyes widened as if I’d seen a ghost. It was the name I’d been crying out for. I couldn’t believe the person I’d longed for was standing before me.

Jihyuk strode into the entrance. Unlike me, n**ed and filthy, he looked as pristine as he had this morning. There was a faint scent of the outside on him, wherever he’d been. The sweet, cozy smell of a spring night.