NANOM Ch 14

“Wait… Wait, just a moment!”

Trapped helplessly beneath him, I shook my head desperately. My voice came out trembling.

As ignorant as I was about s**, I could tell what Jihyuk’s gaze and actions meant right now. Jihyuk was about to truly act on the things he had said to me threateningly back then. It was not just verbal degradation for fun.

My heart sank, but at the same time, I felt that what was bound to happen had finally come. Jihyuk’s action was a predictable one, just as he had warned me countless times before. However, in this anticipated situation, I had never imagined that Jihyuk would have such a look in his eyes.

A nasty prank. At most, it was just a newfound sexual desire for another man and the curiosity that followed. I thought the dirty jokes Jihyuk had endlessly thrown at me until now were nothing more, nothing less than that. No, I had hoped they were. But at this moment, Jihyuk’s eyes, looking at me, were filled with something more than just passion.

A carnal love for me. And pressing down on it, anger. Confusion. And affection.

“…W, Woo Jihyuk.”

My voice came out terribly cracked. Even as my lips trembled, I tried to look him straight in the eye. It felt as if he would open his mouth and swallow me whole if I blinked even once. It was as if a great darkness had opened its maw, waiting for a blind me to trip and fall before it.

Get a grip. Now is the time to get a grip. I have to be calm. I continuously injected these commands into myself and barely managed to open my mouth. I could not win against him with strength. I had to say something, anything, to stop his actions.

“Don’t do this. I, I can’t do this with my student.”

“Am I, still your student?”

Jihyuk’s eyes, as he asked drily, were unwavering.

“The exam ended today. The tutoring is over too.”

“……”

“Then there’s no reason we can’t now, is there.”

Finishing his words, Jihyuk’s upper body leaned down again. I placed both hands on his chest as he approached, casting a dark shadow, and pushed with all my might. Then, Jihyuk’s hands once again pinned both of my wrists to the floor.

Completely suppressed and unable to move a muscle, the anxiety that had been precariously building up began to overflow. I thrashed about like a captured animal and screamed.

“Don’t do this. Don’t do this! Please, don’t do this!”

“Kim Jeonghyun.”

“I, I can’t. I… Don’t do this. Th, this is r**e!”

I had to say the reality I so desperately did not want to face out loud with my own mouth. Because that was better than actually being r**ed by my student. I did not know what he was intoxicated by, but I hoped that Jihyuk, who seemed to be out of his mind, would hear my words and come to his senses. Please, I hoped this boy had at least a shred of reason left.

“R**e?”

But Jihyuk’s eyes, as he tilted his head askew, looked bored despite the provocative word.

“So.”

“…What?”

“If this is r**e. So what about it.”

I had overlooked it. The fact that this boy’s sense of morality had been fainter than others from the start. I had grown used to him being sweetly cloying in his own way recently, so I had forgotten.

Now, my teeth were chattering so hard they audibly clicked together. I had no other excuse to persuade him. Because I am a man? I could not even remember when that had stopped being an issue. Because he is a student? Woo Jihyuk had just tossed that excuse far away. There was only one excuse left. I spat out whatever came to mind as if grasping at straws.

“Please… You, you’re a minor. Please…”

Jihyuk, who had been leaning over to kiss my struggling lips, flinched. I sensed a moment’s hesitation. I did not miss that opening and pressed on, pleading with a desperate gaze.

“I… I… don’t want to do it with a minor, hic, please…”

The movements that had shown no hesitation when I said the word r**e finally stopped. Only then did I feel like I knew the right answer to escape this situation. To provoke Jihyuk, appealing to some pathetic sense of pity or morality was useless. The only thing I had right now that Jihyuk, as of yet, did not possess was just one thing.

And, ironically, it was by seeing the small inferiority complex Jihyuk had towards me that I could finally confirm his feelings. If the emotion this boy held for me was only l**t, Woo Jihyuk would have probably r**ed me without hesitation. Regardless of whether he was a minor or not.

An endless silence flowed. Only the sound of my small sobs mixed into the air of the room. Please. Please. I looked up at him with a desperate gaze, hoping only that Jihyuk would change his mind.

Soon after, Jihyuk bit down fiercely.

“This is fucking dogshit. For real.”

“……”

Casting his gaze, which had been binding me, upward, Jihyuk let out a sigh. The sigh that escaped through his clenched teeth seemed to have reached its limit.

“I’ve been holding it in so much my d**k was about to explode, and you’re telling me to wait more?”

“……”

“F**k, I really want to kill you.”

Growling as he spoke, Jihyuk glared at me and suddenly grabbed a handful of my hair with his right hand. Gasp. Before I could even swallow the sound that escaped, Jihyuk leaned his upper body close to me just as before. But his lips settled not somewhere else, but next to my ear.

Jihyuk’s chest, rising and falling with his rough breaths, pressed down on mine. The area around my heart felt hot enough to burn. It was a body that naturally brought to mind the phrase ‘blood is boiling’. As if suppressing his anger, Jihyuk, after taking several breaths against my ear to steady himself, spoke as if chewing his words.

“You promised.”

“…Jihyuk.”

“Because I wanted to go to the same school as my teacher, because I wanted to do this with you. F**k, all this time I’ve…”

Jihyuk cut himself off there. The area around Jihyuk’s jaw, as he looked down at me as if he would kill me, was noticeably tense. But the moment I let out a small m**n, the strength in his hand holding my hair subtly weakened.

“It… hurts.”

“I’m seriously holding back like crazy right now, so don’t look up at me like that.”

Jihyuk’s eyes, as he warned me in a hoarse voice, were filled to the brim with irritation. He slowly pulled his body off of me. I hastily averted my gaze after fleetingly seeing the long, bulging outline on one of his thighs.

However, Jihyuk, who I thought would lie down on the blanket, unexpectedly got up and stood. I looked up at him with a dazed face.

“…Are you leaving?”

“Or should we finish what we were about to do just now?”

Jihyuk said in a voice filled with irritation and put on the jumper he had taken off in the corner. While he got dressed and carelessly shoved his wallet and phone into his pockets, I just sat there blankly. I was still completely out of it. My hands and feet were trembling noticeably.

After getting dressed, Jihyuk stood and looked at me. His sticky gaze was clearly filled with deep regret, but just like when I had seen his thigh, I looked down and pretended not to see.

“Tell me not to go.”

“…Jihyuk.”

Jihyuk let out a short sigh and l**ked his lips with his tongue. As if turning away from his prey, Jihyuk’s eyes were filled with a thick, overt disappointment.

“But, my fucking teacher would never say something like that, would he.”

“……”

“Wait for me quietly. Until I come back.”

I could do nothing but nod. My mind was completely white, unable to form any more thoughts. I did not want to provoke Jihyuk any further, as he was leaving on his own accord. I just wanted to send him off safely.

However, Jihyuk pushed a promise on me that I could never keep.

“It’s fine as long as I’m not a minor, right?”

“……”

Asking that, Jihyuk slowly approached me. Having come right up to me, Jihyuk pressed me again.

“Promise me. That you’ll accept me next year.”

There was a childish stubbornness in his words. I stared at him with a dumbfounded expression, then I had no choice but to nod.

What else could I say to this boy here? How could I refuse? My teacher-student relationship with this boy was now over, and so was the financial relationship that came with it. The past where I had accepted Jihyuk’s absurd demands because I was desperate for money was now gone.

Nevertheless, the reason I had no choice but to be swayed by Woo Jihyuk at this moment was that I could not find a single trace of playfulness in his eyes as he had straddled and tried to violate me just now.

Just now, Jihyuk had really tried to r**e me.

At that thought, I could not control my trembling hands. The priority was to get Jihyuk out of this space. After sending him off to a faraway country, I had to run away from here as soon as possible. From this house I had lived in, clinging on stiflingly. From Jihyuk, who was trying to bind my very existence so I could not move.

“I’ll be going.”

After bidding me farewell, Jihyuk bent down and kissed my forehead. The movement was so fluid and natural that I could only sit blankly and watch him do it.

After kissing me, Jihyuk opened the door and left. A chill poured in through the closing door as if it had been waiting, and I shivered slightly.

Will I, really be able to be smoothly forgotten by Jihyuk?

Until now, Jiwon and I had thought of Jihyuk’s actions as merely a temporary whim or an interest in a new form of entertainment, an awakening to the unknown world of s** he had not paid attention to before. We believed and hoped that as time passed and he was exposed to a world he had never experienced before, he would soon forget someone with a faint presence like me.

But there were things that Jiwon and I had failed to anticipate.

His eyes as he looked at me, straddling my body today. Jihyuk’s decision not to touch me in the end, even while looking at me with eyes that wanted to devour me right away. Not a rough violation and penetration, but a momentary tremor as he held me and kissed my eyes, treating me as if I were a fragile thing that might break.

I stared blankly out the window at the accumulating snow, then pulled the blanket over me. Outside, the snowfall was getting heavier than before. The thought of him disappearing into the snowy, pitch-black darkness made my body tremble uncontrollably. Knowing it was not because of the cold, I pulled the blanket I had covered myself with up over my head.

📖

After Jihyuk left the country, I began to pack my things as planned. Jiwon said that he would have to be there for at least a year, so he suggested I might as well get rid of the house.

As Jiwon said, paying monthly rent for an empty house was a waste, but I shook my head. It was a humble home, but it was where my family and I had lived our entire lives. Also, no matter how much kindness Jiwon showed me, it was ultimately something of someone else’s that I would have to repay. I could not just get rid of the hill I had leaned on my whole life just because I was relying on Jiwon.

So, I decided to leave the large furniture and move only my clothes and miscellaneous household items. Jiwon said to just come as I was, that he had prepared everything, but I wanted to minimize the extent of the help I received from him.

Even if I went to Daejeon, it was not like I would be there permanently. A house quickly deteriorates if left unoccupied for too long. At least once every two weeks or so, I planned to sleep at the Seoul house and also take care of Jeonghee.

The scheduled moving day approached swiftly, and on that day, it snowed a lot from the morning.

“It seems like you’re going to live a very prosperous life, Teacher.”

Jiwon smiled brightly, took my hand, and led me into the car. The few belongings I had were being transported to Daejeon by movers Jiwon had called, and he and I were to go down separately.

“They say if it snows or rains a lot on moving day, you’ll live well.”

“…Is that so? Though I’m not officially moving.”

“Still.”

Jiwon naturally held my hand from the back seat. I reflexively tried to push his hand away, but a beat too late, I remembered my situation. In the end, I could not push away the warmth of Jiwon’s hand as it dug into mine.

Drowsiness came over me in the warm car as always, but from my last experience, I somehow felt I should not fall fast asleep in a car with Jiwon. Jiwon chuckled as he watched me, unable to overcome my sleepiness like a cat despite being on high alert.

It took about two hours to get to Daejeon. While I was making various plans in my head and responding to Jiwon’s questions, the car had stopped before I knew it. I got out of the car with Jiwon and stared blankly at the apartment building standing before me. According to Jiwon, my mother’s hospital was a 10-minute bus ride from here. It was truly a nest meant for focusing on my mother’s rehabilitation.

“…This is it?”

“Yes. Let’s go in.”

He said that the luggage I had sent earlier had already arrived and been organized. Led by his hand, I went up to the 4th floor. When we got off the elevator, I saw two tightly closed doors.

“Our home is here. The password is my birthday.”

Jiwon smiled brightly and told me his birthday.

“You’ll have to remember my birthday, right? You won’t be able to get in otherwise.”

“…It’s not far off.”

To his playful words, I nodded and said as much. Jiwon, with an excited expression, swung the door wide open, went in first, and turned on the lights. Then he said, “Ta-da!” and gestured towards the inside of the house.

“How is it, Teacher?”

I could only stare ahead and let my mouth hang open blankly.

It was not because I was moved by the cozy and comfortable environment I had never lived in before, or anything like that. It was because it looked, to anyone, like a newlywed couple’s home. Two spoons, two pairs of chopsticks. Slippers, dishes, toothbrushes… I was at a loss for words at the sight of the house, decorated for exactly two people with an almost obsessive precision.

“What… is this?”

“Why?”

I made a look of disgust as I stared at Jiwon, who was asking innocently.

“The atmosphere is… too much.”

It’s cringey. The reason I could not bring myself to say those words was that if I really did, the ominous feeling I had right now felt like it would truly become a reality. But Jiwon just smiled slickly and said to me.

“Why? What’s wrong with the atmosphere? Is it because it’s decorated too much like a newlywed’s home?”

“……”

My mouth clamped shut at Jiwon’s words, which hit the nail right on the head. But Jiwon, who was explaining to me in a smooth-talking tone, looked extremely pleased.

“Your sister might come down and stay with you later. And, well… I might come down occasionally and we could spend time together, you know.”

“Uh…”

I answered in a mumbling voice. The fact that he would occasionally come down to sleep over was something Jiwon had been saying for a while. Besides that, this house was Jiwon’s to begin with. I had no right to complain.

“Do you like it, Teacher?”

“I like… it, of course. It’s more than I deserve.”

I should have been bowing in thanks even if he had gotten me a one-room studio. This place looked to be at least in the mid-20-pyeong range. Even if Jiwon came to visit, it would be on weekends at most. For me, who would be living alone most of the time, it was an overly generous house.

Furthermore, the furniture and household items were all new. The shabby clothes I had brought were all placed next to the sofa, just as they had been transported. I glanced at them for a moment, then spoke to Jiwon.

“…Anyway, for helping me move today, and… for getting me a house like this, thank you, really. I’ll definitely… pay you back. I’ll slowly pay you back as soon as I get a job.”

“Don’t mention it. And we decided to think about that slowly.”

Contrary to his humble words, Jiwon smiled with the triumphant expression of a child.

“Hey, I’ll buy you dinner. Shall we eat out?”

“Ah, I’d like to, but…”

Jiwon frowned as he looked at his watch.

“I have to head back up today. I have a dinner appointment with my mother and her friends.”

“…Ah, is that so?”

“Yes. They’re throwing a party to congratulate me for getting in.”

“Of course you have to go. You’re the star of the show.”

The news of Jiwon’s early admission, which I had heard a few days ago, was somewhat expected, but it was still very happy news for me. To the point that his excited mother had called me directly to thank me. But Jiwon, as he said this, looked very disappointed.

“I wanted to at least have dinner with you, Teacher, before I left…”

“Next time… We can eat next time.”

I comforted Jiwon with an awkward smile. Jiwon grumbled and went down to the first floor with me. He complained that he thought he would have a lot of time after the CSAT, but that was not the case. His mother, he said, was now forcing him to attend social gatherings with her now that the exam was over. Hearing that, a remark Jihyuk had made suddenly flashed through my mind.

‘My father has no interest in Jiwon for the business side of things. He’s going to hand the company over to me anyway.’

As if he had read my thoughts, Jiwon smiled and asked.

“It seems like Father only dotes on Jihyuk, and Mother only dotes on me, right?”

“…Uh… not necessarily like that, but.”

“That’s right. That’s why he only takes Jihyuk with him. My mother is displeased with that, so she’s taking me around to show my face here and there, trying to defend against Woo Jihyuk inheriting the company.”

I did not know what to say, so I just nodded silently. So, Jihyuk’s father only took Jihyuk around to let him gain practical experience, while his mother was trying to ensure Jiwon did not fall behind by building connections with people in the political and business worlds.

I mused up to that point before letting the thoughts drift away indifferently. To me, it was a story as unrealistic as one from a drama I had once seen. It was also a story that had nothing to do with me.

Arriving on the first floor, Jiwon, with a face dripping with disappointment, got into the sedan that was already started and waiting.

“Teacher, I’ll come whenever I have time. Let’s hang out.”

“Okay, but I have my finals soon…”

“I’m going now, Teacher!”

He must have really been in a hurry, because Jiwon hastily said goodbye to me and got into the car. I waved my hand and saw Jiwon off until the car disappeared from view. Then, I fumbled my way back to the apartment I had gone up to with Jiwon.

The password… Jiwon said it was his birthday. December, 31st. Come to think of it, Jiwon’s birthday is coming up soon. I awkwardly pressed 1231 and entered the door that opened with a beep-boop sound. The inside of the house was brightly lit since we had left the lights on, so I could see the scene clearly.

It was a cozy space, the first of its kind I ever had. A place where I could rest my body at ease, eat, and study. But at the same time, it was an incredibly unfamiliar space. Because it was not mine.

I slowly slid down and squatted against the refrigerator. There was a comfortable sofa right next to it, and a bed in the bedroom, but for some reason, I had no thought of lying down there.

This house, to me, seemed only like the product of my blind greed.

📖

After moving, my daily life became even busier. First, booking a train ticket for my daily commute to Seoul according to my lecture schedule was the biggest task. Fortunately, I had a little money saved up from tutoring, so it was not a problem to cover the travel expenses.

The priority for now was to find a new job. The money I had saved up was only enough to get by for a few months. Jiwon offered to lend me living expenses as well, but I desperately refused. I did not want to increase my debt to him any further.

Thanks to my academic background and experience, it was not difficult to find a tutoring position in a new place. For now, I started teaching a middle school boy near my home.

I kept in continuous contact with Jihyuk. I thought it was better to gradually reduce contact rather than cut it off abruptly. Jihyuk frequently contacted me even from abroad.

[What are you doing?]

[Did you eat]

These sorts of insubstantial greetings were the main content. When I would check a few hours later and send a perfunctory reply like [Eating now], a response would come back immediately.

[Not replying quickly? Before I come chasing after you.]

If it were anyone else sending such a text from abroad, I would not have felt threatened. But Jihyuk seemed like the type of person who would actually do it. So, I tried to reply as soon as possible.

Sometimes, a call would come at night or in the morning. When it was night for me, it was usually morning for Jihyuk, and when it was morning for me, it was when Jihyuk had finished all his schedules and arrived in his room.

—What are you doing?

“Just… lie down.”

Lying down before bed and taking Jihyuk’s call always made me drowsy and sleepy. As I let out a long yawn and answered slowly, I heard Jihyuk chuckle over the phone.

—You know, you sleep a lot.

“…Because I like sleeping…”

—Your voice is slurring again.

It was true that I was unusually susceptible to sleep, so I had no intention of arguing. After answering like this in a half-asleep, half-awake state, I usually could not remember what I had said the next morning.

“…So… let’s hang up now.”

—Your mouth is going to rip. If you keep that up.

Jihyuk chided me as I yawned again with a loud sound. But even in his scolding voice, there was a subtle trace of laughter.

—I want to go back to Korea soon.

“Why…”

—You’re asking because you don’t know?

Listening to Jihyuk’s voice, which sounded as if he found my question absurd, I covered my face with my other hand.

Sleep had suddenly fled, and the familiar feeling of my chest tightening rushed in like a tide. Lying on the bed Jiwon had bought for me and talking on the phone with Jihyuk, who did not know this fact, was no different from locking myself in a giant, water-filled fish tank.

I can see all the scenery outside the transparent glass window. Jiwon, who was happy about visiting often now, and Jihyuk, who, despite panting with a breath soaked in passion, eventually got off my body. Jeonghee, who was probably being watched by Jiwon’s employee, and my mother, who was in the middle of rehabilitation in a new environment.

Watching all those scenes, the only thing I do is sink helplessly. Down, down. And irresistibly.

“You have to go out now too. I’m hanging up.”

I hung up after my one-sided notification. I immediately hung up the call that came back without delay, and thankfully, no more calls came after I sent a reply saying I was really going to sleep now. I tossed my phone aside and pulled the blanket over my head. This house did not have a draft like the old one, but for some reason, since moving, I found myself hiding under the blankets more and more often.

My body was far from Jihyuk, so naturally, I should have cut off contact as well. But how could I cut off contact with Jihyuk, who had such a fiery temperament? I had planned to gradually reduce contact until his interest waned, but with each passing day, the subtle hint of laughter in Jihyuk’s voice only grew deeper.

At this rate, I might not be able to get away.

I shook my head like crazy under the blankets at the encroaching anxiety. Whenever I closed my eyes, the day Jihyuk got on top of me was constantly etched before my eyes. And when I opened my eyes, I saw the space Jiwon had prepared. Oozing the atmosphere of a newlywed’s home, without a doubt. Trapped in an alley with no way forward or back, I could only clutch my chest or beat it with a thump-thump sound. That was why these days, the bruises on my chest never had a chance to fade.

📖

“Now, guardian, please get as close to your mother as possible. More. Otherwise, your back might hurt. Yes. Like that. Don’t use your fingertips, let’s try to use the entire palm. You might get a bruise otherwise.”

Beads of sweat formed on my forehead on their own. I was following the occupational therapist’s instructions, holding my mother’s stiff leg and repeatedly straightening and bending it. The kind voice from beside me instructed me once more.

“You’ll need to slow down the speed a little more. When there’s rigidity, the muscle tone increases even more.”

“Yes.”

After the program ended, I wiped the beads of sweat and plopped down in my seat. My mother was lying on the bed with her eyes closed, letting out even breaths. The session I had just received was a program where I could directly participate in rehabilitation by receiving detailed education from the occupational therapist once a week.

After the occupational therapist left, completely exhausted, I leaned back in my chair for a while and looked out the window. It was already getting dark outside. I had used my body for an hour, and sleep was slowly coming. I was dozing off, waiting for the afternoon rounds, when I automatically opened my eyes at the sound of the door opening.

The doctor glanced at my sleeping mother and then approached me with a friendly greeting.

“Did you listen well to the education session today? How was it?”

“It was good. I learned a lot.”

When I answered the doctor with a faint smile, the doctor also smiled a little back at me.

“Good. You’re working hard on rehabilitation in various ways, so I’m sure there will be good results. Before long, we’ll be starting swallowing rehabilitation therapy as well.”

“Swallowing rehabilitation?”

“To put it simply, it’s practice for chewing and swallowing. It’s been a long time since she’s eaten food directly, so we’ll start with electrical rehabilitation. Right now, there’s a mechanical stricture of the larynx and pharynx, and the nerves needed for the swallowing motion have barely recovered.”

“Ah…”

My chest swelled up. For nine years, my mother had only received nutrients through fasting, total parenteral nutrition, or a gastric tube. Just imagining my mother chewing and swallowing food felt like it would bring me to tears.

“Well then, I’ll see you tomorrow. Guardian, you should eat well too.”

He paused for a moment, looked at my face, and gave a wry smile.

“…And take care of your health too.”

“Yes, thank you.”

I left the hospital and fastened the front of the jumper I was wearing. My parched lips felt dry, and when I l**ked them, I tasted a salty and fishy flavor. They must have cracked in the wind that blew like a knife. It had already been a few days since I had only thought about buying and applying some lip balm. The doctor probably said that after seeing my lips.

It was already the middle of December.

In the meantime, I had started two more tutoring jobs, and accordingly, I became so busy I had no time to breathe. And this morning, the semester had finally ended.

I took out my phone while facing the winter wind that once again blew in, stubbornly trying to dig between my face, neck, and the closed jumper. I had just changed it a few days ago, so it still felt unfamiliar.

The reason was that I had lost it. While riding the subway, the phone I had put in my jumper pocket had slipped out and fallen between the train and the platform. When I realized it belatedly and rushed back to the subway station, it was no use. I was dumbfounded at the sight of the phone, which was horribly shattered even to the n**ed eye.

Fortunately, I was not worried about the lost contacts. Since Jihyuk had frequently played with my phone and deleted the numbers of Taejun-hyung, Jiwon, and Woojae, I had luckily written their numbers down separately. I could ask Woojae for the numbers of my school classmates.

There was a financial burden of having to get a new phone, but the worry that was far more pressing was the suddenly cut-off contact with Jihyuk.

Ever since I had run away to Daejeon, I had been constantly agonizing over whether to exchange messages with Jihyuk. And in reality, I had decided to reduce the frequency of contact, using my busy schedule as an excuse. I changed from replying once every few hours to replying to Jihyuk’s messages only twice, in the morning and evening.

Jihyuk, who had been irritated to no end at first, soon became quiet. I had no way of knowing whether it was because of his busy schedule or because the time to return to Korea was approaching.

‘Isn’t this actually a good thing? I have to cut off contact someday anyway.’

Losing my phone was a disaster, but I also thought it was for the best. It was a contact and a connection that had to be severed at some point. I had taught him until his exam, and as he said himself, he was no longer my student. Then, isn’t there really no reason to see him anymore?

Then why are you still meeting Jiwon?

A weak laugh would escape whenever I became aware of my contradictory situation. The exam was over, and there were no longer any words to define the relationship between Jiwon and me, so why was I clinging to Jiwon like a parasite? No matter how much I say I’ll pay him back later, is it really okay for me to do this for my own needs?

According to Jiwon, his father had bestowed all of this upon me out of gratitude for me having Jihyuk take the exam. But in my opinion, that was preposterous. I had simply taught Jihyuk while receiving the payment I was due.

‘…Come to think of it, when did Jihyuk say he was coming back to Korea?’

I tried to guess while looking down at the calendar of my phone, which had been consistently quiet since I changed it. I think it was around this time.

After changing my phone, my contact with Jihyuk had been blandly cut off like that. But thankfully, Jihyuk did not come running to Korea in a rage. Even if he had, he would not have been able to find me unless Jiwon told him where I was. The employees he used would have already been bought off by Jiwon.

And, maybe it was my own grand delusion. The expectation that he would have a hard time forgetting me.

Jihyuk had always been capricious and tended to act impulsively. Even if it was true that his body and mind were briefly moved by me, by now he would be seeing and enjoying many things in the wide world and would probably have forgotten the existence of someone like me. And it had to be that way.

Thinking that, I tried to force Jihyuk down below my consciousness. But I still dreamed of him once every few days.

In my dreams, the same scene replayed endlessly. I run away from Jihyuk, and Jihyuk chases after me. No matter how much I run, Jihyuk comes running and eventually pounces on me. He looks at me with the eyes of a beast about to bite my neck as I struggle pathetically. Then I would always wake up from my sleep, drenched in a cold sweat with a scream.

And, Jiwon.

Jiwon, who had said he would come to visit every day, also went on a trip abroad. He said he was accompanying his mother and her friends on a golf trip. I felt sorry for Jiwon, who was pouting and grumbling, but I was secretly quite relieved.

Before that, Jiwon had come to visit my Daejeon home a couple of times. Each time, Jiwon, as he had said, ate with me and slept over. Fortunately, he did not show any signs of trying to do anything to me, but there was constant contact, like holding my hand or touching my hair. In a touch-and-go atmosphere, I had nowhere to run.

A shameless parasite. A vermin that clings to a student, using the feelings of a student who likes me.

Even if I curse at myself from time to time and beat my stuffy chest until it bruises, my feet are stuck here as if nailed down. Because of my mother, who is progressing smoothly. Because of me, who has curled up and hidden my body away from the being named Jihyuk.

At that moment, Jiwon called me as if urging me on.

—Teacher. What are you thinking about? Don’t you miss me?

At Jiwon’s complaining voice, I finally broke from my thoughts after a long silence. Jiwon, of course, knew my new number, so he would occasionally call from abroad.

“…Huh? Uh… I do… miss you.”

—By how much?

“……”

I had absolutely no immunity to these kinds of questions, so no matter how much I tried to make something up, silence always came first. Fortunately, Jiwon seemed to have a busy schedule and did not wait for an answer, speaking first in an excited voice.

—Just wait a little longer. I’ll be there on my birthday. I’ve already booked my plane ticket.

“…Okay.”

—Make sure you eat. I’m hanging up then!

I hung up the phone and stared blankly at the calendar.

Jiwon’s birthday, and the last day of the year, was really not far off.

📖

A week later, today was the day for the guardian rehabilitation education program. As I once again repeated the motion of bending and straightening my mother’s leg while she lay on the bed, dripping with sweat, the occupational therapist complimented me, saying I had gotten much more skilled than last time.

I smiled proudly. Being able to feel my mother’s improvement together was my greatest joy.

After the rehabilitation, I bowed my head to the caregiver, asking her to take good care of my mother, and left the hospital, calculating the remaining money in my head. Now that the semester was over, how I would use my time was entirely up to me.

I had originally thought about reducing the caregiver’s hours and taking care of her myself, but considering the money, it was much more efficient for me to take on another tutoring job in that time. Hospital bills, living expenses, and the money I had to repay Jiwon. The road ahead was very long, so in the end, I chose to earn money.

‘I’ll be able to breathe a little more easily next month.’

Making such calculations, I stopped by the bakery in front of my house. I bought a cake and tried to guess the age of Jiwon, who was celebrating his birthday. Twentieth birthday. In just one more day, he’ll be twenty-one. With that bland thought, I asked for two long candles.

Come to think of it, it’s been a long time since I bought a cake. I hadn’t received a cake on my birthday since my mother collapsed. Still, I wanted to take care of Jeonghee at least, so I would often buy a slice of cake for Jeonghee’s birthday despite our tight circumstances.

All of that seems so long ago now. It seems like a deep, uncrossable valley has formed between Jeonghee and me.

‘…I wonder if Jeonghee is doing well. I get calls from him sometimes.’

I should go up to Seoul this week. The year has changed, after all. I should meet Jeonghee and suggest we eat rice cake soup together. He might not want to meet, but I should at least try to contact him.

I came out of the bakery and walked slowly home. White puffs of breath burst from my mouth every time I exhaled. This winter feels unusually cold. It’s snowing a lot too. The streets, soaked in the year-end atmosphere, were still littered with the remnants of Christmas that had passed a few days ago.

‘Come to think of it, when is Jiwon coming?’

He had made a habit of saying we should spend his birthday together, that we absolutely had to. I wonder if it was too much to ask, seeing as there’s been no contact? He did contact me early this morning saying he was boarding a plane, but since it’s his birthday and also the last day of the year, it might not be easy for him to come all the way here. It was already almost 7 o’clock, and if he were coming, he would have contacted me long ago.
It was the moment I got off the elevator, pressed 1231, and entered the house.

“Teacher!”

“…Huh?”

My body jumped in surprise at the familiar voice. I was surprised to see the face standing in front of me, and then surprised again by the scene inside the house. I had no choice but to take a step back.

Jiwon was smiling brightly. In a house flickering with candlelight all over.

“Welcome. Why are you so late? If I have to do a surprise twice, I’ll starve to death.”

“Th, this… what is all this?”

I froze on the spot with a completely dumbfounded face. Jiwon playfully pulled on my arm as I couldn’t easily take a step. Led by him into the dimly lit house with the lights off, I saw the interior of the house, dyed orange by the candles placed here and there on the floor.

It was an atmosphere as if someone had prepared a proposal. The various dishes on the dining table and the cake that occupied the center of the table as well. It was a cake that looked incomparably more delicate and expensive than the one I had bought at the neighborhood bakery.

Does one usually prepare their own birthday party to this extent?

I had no room to hide my almost horrified expression. With my mouth hanging open blankly, I turned my head towards Jiwon, and Jiwon smiled shyly.

“Why are you looking at me like that? We were supposed to have a birthday party together.”

“…Th, to this extent?”

“It’s nothing special. It’s just for the end of the year, and I wanted to have a party with you, Teacher.”

Smiling brightly, Jiwon sat me down at the dining table. The dishes on the table were all neatly cooked and packaged. Removing the wrapping, Jiwon skillfully instructed me.

“Teacher. There’s wine in the fridge. Could you get it out for me? Two glasses too.”

“…Alright.”

I was still dazed, but considering how much Jiwon had been looking forward to his birthday for a long time, I felt like I could vaguely understand. Although I didn’t know why he was so obsessed with his own birthday.

Except for the fact that the atmosphere of the house was decorated overly romantically, there was actually no problem. I tried my best to hide my surprised heart, handed the wine bottle to Jiwon, and sat down at the table. Jiwon opened the cork with a familiar gesture.

“Let’s have a party today, Teacher. Just the two of us.”

“…I’m not good… with alcohol… especially wine.”

“Just set the mood.”

I hesitated and tried to refuse, but Jiwon stubbornly poured wine into my glass. I stared blankly at the red liquid pouring out with a glug-glug sound, then snapped out of it and said to Jiwon.

“Ah. We have to light the candles. …I brought a cake too… Yours is prettier, so let’s use this one.”

“No, we have to use yours, Teacher.”

Jiwon ignored my words of refusal and put away the cake he had bought. Then he placed the cake I had bought on the table. At Jiwon’s request, I personally put in the candles and lit them.

“Happy birthday, Jiwon. And… thank you, always.”

“Thank you, Teacher. Let’s not say things like that today.”

I lightly clinked my glass against the one he offered. Since Jiwon was drinking with a smiling face, I also hesitated a little before bringing the glass to my lips. It had a very astringent and bitter taste.

“Ugh… It’s bitter.”

“Is it very bitter?”

Jiwon grinned. Watching Jiwon, who held even such a bitter wine with a relaxed expression, a strange bravado was triggered in me.

“No. …It’s drinkable.”

“Have some food first. You’ll get drunk if you drink on an empty stomach.”

The wine I had taken a couple of sips of was still too bitter, but after enduring it a few more times, I felt a little tipsy and it was nice. I reached for the food as Jiwon suggested. After putting food in my mouth, I felt a fierce hunger. Come to think of it, I had eaten lunch early, so my stomach had been empty for a long time.

“Try this too. Eat a lot.”

“Yeah… You eat a lot too.”

During the meal, a simple and ordinary conversation continued. The main topic was Jiwon’s trip abroad for a few weeks. I nodded my head soullessly while listening to Jiwon say that he naturally thought of me every time he played golf on the endlessly spread out lawn.

“What about you, Teacher? How have you been?”

“Me… just the same. The semester ended… went to my mother’s hospital.”

After finishing the meal, we cleared the dining table. I glanced at the smiling Jiwon from time to time, looking for an opportunity to speak. It seemed like a good opportunity now to ask something I had always been curious about but could never ask every day.

“Um… by any chance, how is Jeonghee? Is he doing okay?”

“Yes. He’s doing fine. More importantly, Teacher, would you like to watch a movie?”

The question I had hesitantly worked up the courage to ask was almost completely ignored. I stared at Jiwon for a moment with a heavy heart, then reluctantly gave a small nod.

“…Yeah.”

“What do you like?”

“Anything. You choose what you want to watch.”

After brushing our teeth side by side, Jiwon led me to the sofa. The room, illuminated by the candlelight, was suitably dark for watching a movie. While Jiwon was choosing a movie, I let out a sigh without being obvious and looked at my phone.

It’s already the last day of the year.

For some reason, I felt very uneasy. I’m usually not very emotional about things like Christmas or the excited year-end atmosphere, thinking they have nothing to do with me, but strangely, the last day of the year feels a little different. Even though sending off the old year and welcoming the new one is no different to me than any other repeating day.

But the discomfort I feel now doesn’t seem to be because of such a leisurely and vague sentiment. Something was bothering me in a strange way. A foreboding and anxiety, like I had left a pot on the gas stove and just walked out. I have no idea where it’s coming from.

“Teacher. Then how about this one?”

“……”

“Teacher! What are you thinking about?”

“Huh? Oh, oh. No, nothing. Let’s watch that.”

I was startled and gave Jiwon a rough nod. Jiwon pouted his lips for a moment at my obviously insincere answer, but soon played the movie.

In the meantime, the choice of drink had changed to beer. But neither of us drank enough to get drunk. Just wetting our lips moderately, Jiwon and I sat still for a while and watched the movie.

Jiwon seemed quite engrossed in the movie, but strangely, my eyes kept going to my phone. It was because of the feeling of my heart pounding nervously. I glanced at the time nervously like someone who was late for an appointment.

After doing that a few times, Jiwon asked in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Teacher. Do you have an appointment or something? Why do you keep looking at the clock?”

“Huh? No. It’s just… just.”

If I said it was because I was uneasy, I felt like I would have to explain this feeling whose cause even I didn’t know. I just mumbled my words and deliberately turned my head towards the screen.

However, Jiwon’s gaze was still fixed on me. What is it, I thought, and it was the moment I turned my head back towards Jiwon. Jiwon’s face was slowly approaching me.

Thinking he had something to say to me, I was about to lower my face and bring my ear closer, when I saw Jiwon’s downcast eyes and slightly parted lips. The line of his slender face tilted slightly to the side. Jiwon’s flushed face, exhaling the scent of wine, clearly held desire.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds to realize that and straighten my back with a start. I leaned back as far as I could and stared at Jiwon with wide eyes.

“…Jiwon?”

Jiwon did not answer. Instead, his hand came towards me and gently caressed my face. That hand, which I had always thought was small and feminine, unlike Jihyuk’s. In that moment, startled, I reflexively grabbed Jiwon’s wrist.

“Wait, just a moment.”

“Teacher. Don’t push me away.”

“No, wait a minute. This is a bit…!”

As I, greatly startled, stealthily moved my body to the very end of the sofa, Jiwon’s body immediately followed. I was horrified, looking into his eyes that stared at me without even blinking.

It was, sadly and spine-chillingly, a familiar feeling. The fact that I had been thrown into the midst of someone’s carnal l**t that was swirling around me.

“It’s enough that I’ve waited this long for you, isn’t it?”

Jiwon, who spoke in a monotone voice, approached once again. He gently grabbed my wrist and pulled me into his arms.

“Don’t do this. Jiwon, just a moment…”

“Teacher.”

Jiwon cut off my plea in a quiet yet firm tone.

“There’s a price for everything, you know.”

Jiwon’s voice was frigid. It was an attitude that he would no longer just accept my childish whims. His hand once again gently caressed my face. With his other hand supporting the nape of my neck, he buried his face in my neck and collarbone.

A lukewarm body temperature slowly wrapped around me. I bit my lip so hard I could taste blood. It felt like words of refusal would immediately burst out if I opened my tightly clenched lips.

I too knew of Jiwon’s feelings for me, and I had not thought that he would bestow so many things upon me without expecting any price in return. It was a body that would not have much value anyway, no matter how much I treasured it. The things I was currently receiving from Jiwon in exchange for just this felt so desperate and large to me that I had even thought to humbly accept it when a day like this came.

“Teacher. Are you scared?”

“……”

“Why are you trembling?”

But still, I was scared. Yes, I was scared. Giving my body to someone without any affection or feelings was not as easy as I had thought. No matter how much I thought that it was right to give back as much as I had received, my instinctive fear did not disappear all at once.

With a trembling hand, I pushed against Jiwon’s chest.

“Wai, wait… just a moment.”

“I told you not to refuse.”

“I’m… not, ready… yet. If you just give me a little more… time…”

He stares at my face as I stutter like an idiot. Jiwon’s face, which had been just looking at me without a single word, so suffocatingly, turned cold in an instant. It was a change so dramatic that it gave me goosebumps for a moment.

“Teacher. Just how much longer do I have to wait for you?”

“……”

“It’s enough that I’ve put up with this much. If I’ve done this much for you, you should give something back too.”

Jiwon, who spat out those words, was completely different from his usual self who acted maturely. He glared at me as if a child were being stubborn, then suddenly grabbed me by the collar and pushed me back forcefully. I was pushed by his body and ended up lying on the sofa with my eyes wide open.

“I can’t wait anymore. I’m definitely going to do it with you today.”

“Wait, please don’t do this, Jiwon…!”

“It’s my birthday today. I told you many times. It’s my birthday, you can at least give me your body, can’t you?”

Saying that, Jiwon mercilessly lifted the knit sweater I was wearing. Goosebumps ran down my spine as my white bare skin was exposed to the air. I let out a scream in that moment and pushed Jiwon away forcefully. It was so creepy and scary I could not bear it. Jiwon right now seems like a person who has truly lost his mind.

“Stop, please just stop… it!”

But Jiwon’s frenzied eyes seemed to have already lost all reason. Jiwon, who rushed at me again, this time tried to kiss me. I desperately turned my head to avoid him and once again grabbed Jiwon’s chest and pushed with all my might. My arms were trembling.

“I told you to stop!”

“I didn’t want to go as far as to say this, but.”

Hoo, Jiwon let out a sigh and stared at my face coldly. With eyes like a snake.

“Teacher, do you even know how much this house costs?”

“…What?”

“I’m asking if you know, how much this house costs.”

Jiwon, speaking in a high-handed tone, poked my frozen chest with his finger. The finger that had been pressing on my chest was removed, and then it poked my chest hard again. As if to deeply engrave this humiliating moment in my heart.

“And how much are the hospital bills for your mother.”

“……”

“Your precious little brother, the cost of monitoring him doesn’t just fall from the sky, you know.”

Jiwon, who said that without even blinking, raised the corner of his mouth with a dry laugh.

“And you still feel like playing hard to get with me right now? When you have nothing to your name?”

“Woo Jiwon, you…!”

My heart sank so much it was unbelievable. The raw insults pouring out of his mouth became knives that mercilessly dug into and tore up my chest. The shock and humiliation were much greater due to the attitude that was completely opposite to his usual polite self who would follow me around calling me ‘Teacher, Teacher’.

My gaze as I glared at Jiwon trembled. I opened my mouth, from which a fierce sob was about to erupt.

“I’ll, …pay you back in another way, so stop it now. No, just… I’ll leave this house right now. I’ll gradually move my mother again as soon as she’s ready…, so, just stop… it!”

My lips twitched pathetically, and hot tears fell down my cheeks with a plop plop.

Yes, I have to leave. This was wrong from the start. I was a fool to realize it so late.

The things laid out right before my eyes were so tempting that I ended up coveting what belonged to another. Not knowing that it was the fruit Jiwon had offered me and the bait that would trip me up by my ankle.

No, maybe I knew from the very beginning. But I was a worse human being and a bigger coward than I had thought. As Jiwon said, it is right to pay the price for what I have received. What’s the big deal about giving up this measly body.

But the physiological revulsion was too severe. It was nauseating and scary. No matter how much I thought about it, this was not it. Even though I had braced myself, I just could not do it. I shook my head like crazy and stood up from the sofa.

I have to leave right now. I have to get out of here first. I’ll find a goshiwon or something and move, and as for my mother, I’ll have to think more about it later…

Beep beep beep beep.

At the sudden mechanical sound from outside, Jiwon and I opened our eyes wide and looked at each other. Unless I was mistaken, it was definitely the sound of someone entering a password on the touchpad.

A sharp, honed silence flowed for a few seconds.

“……”

“……”

Seeing Jiwon’s wide-eyed expression, it seemed he did not know what was going on either. The messy atmosphere that had been thrown about was instantly pulled taut.

And, from outside, the sound of a password being entered was heard once again. Unlike a moment ago when it was incorrect, the door, after four numbers were entered correctly, opened with a beep-boop sound.