NHL 61

There were countless things I could count that he had given me. Ever since I met Dylan, many parts of my inner self had undergone changes. It was Dylan who pushed me to change my attitude toward life, and it was because he existed that a slightly different version of me could exist.

However, Joeon realized that the more he opened his mouth, the more the air surrounding Dylan became stagnant. Like a warped tree cracking with a snapping sound, the distance between them grew.

“Is that all?”

“Am I missing something, Dylan?”

“I think I’m the one missing something, Joeon. What do you think we are to each other?”

Because it was a term too embarrassing to say out loud, Joeon hesitated for a long while.

“We are, well… we’re just friends who benefit each other.”

Dylan turned his head, letting out a laugh that didn’t fit the atmosphere, and an air of despondency permeated from him.

“Joeon. While I was away on that road trip, I thought about you every single day. I was going crazy because I wanted to hold you in my arms. Not for the sake of sex, but because I missed you. Your voice, your smile, your eyes, your hands, your feet, even your hair—all of it.”

“…”

It was an expression too honest to ignore the emotions melted into his words.

“I thought we shared the same feelings for each other. But hearing you speak, I guess that wasn’t the case.”

Through his listless voice, the depth of the hurt he had received was easily guessed. A clumsy consolation would only pick at the other person’s wounds. Instead of offering hasty words, Joeon shook his head. He wanted to make excuses, to say it was a misunderstanding. To say that even if the term they used to define it was different, his feelings for him—which were special—had not changed.

“It was just my own delusion.”

“…Dylan.”

“I want to be… alone. It seems I’m the one who needs to think.”

“Wait a minute, Dylan!”

Dylan slid the cake box toward Joeon.

“Take it. I’m not home often, so I’ll definitely end up throwing it away.”

“Dylan, listen to what I…”

“Just go, please.”

Joeon had no choice but to put on his coat and pick up his bag. In his hand, he held the cake, which had instantly devolved from a gift into a burden. His appetite was completely gone; it looked like nothing more than food waste to him.

Standing in front of the front door, Joeon stopped and looked back at Dylan. A sense of injustice welled up in him.

“This is unfair. Are you going to act like a child?”

“Unfair? A child?”

“You’re just as responsible for not properly defining our relationship.”

“Oh, is that so? I guess you’re capable of kissing and having sex with someone you have no feelings for? Did you do that with Sergio, too?”

“Ser…!”

At the sudden mention of that name, his head heated up.

“Why are you bringing up that name all of a sudden? Where did you hear that from?”

Dylan cursed under his breath, ruffling his hair as if he had made a mistake.

“Just pretend you didn’t hear it. I was just jealous of a man who was acting familiar with you while I was busy missing you alone.”

“I don’t know how you know that name, but Sergio is a predator. He was just trying to pull a move to sleep with me while he was drunk. That guy is a racist who thinks all Asians are gay. I’ve said this before, but I’m someone who has never even imagined a relationship like this with a man. Do you understand?”

“I know. That’s why when you asked for sex, I thought you felt the same way I did. Since you’ve never done something like this with a man before, how could you define our relationship as ‘sex friends’ so easily?”

“Th-that’s because you didn’t properly say…”

“Oh, so now it’s my fault? I thought I had expressed my feelings for you enough. Why don’t you try being honest about your own feelings for a change?”

“What do you know about my feelings?”

“Joeon. I have never once craved or begged someone else for words like this. But now I know.”

Dylan, whose pride seemed wounded, ruffled his hair roughly and spat out as if he felt wronged.

“When I cherished you so lovingly, why did you take it for granted and just receive it? Expressing affection was always my job, and you never once said the same to me. Do you know why that is?”

“…”

“Should I tell you? It’s because your heart is…”

Dylan felt resentful that Joeon had forced him to admit the bottom line with his own mouth.

“Because your heart is only at that level.”

“I… I didn’t know how you felt. That’s why I hesitated.”

“That’s very convenient. But you know, the truth is, you didn’t need to know my heart. You don’t need to know my heart to express your own feelings. Joeon, if you truly liked and cared for me, you would have expressed it in some way.”

“It’s rude to force my feelings on someone if they don’t want it.”

“So are you saying I was rude?”

“That’s not what I meant!”

“Then are you saying I didn’t want your feelings? We both know that makes no sense.”

“What I mean is…. Like you said, it’s my fault that I didn’t express it, but I didn’t dislike it… so I, too, was… with Dylan…”

“Forget it. You said we were friends who benefited each other. Why not just admit it? I thought you were just shy… I was a fool for not noticing until now.”

“Don’t disparage yourself like that. I’m really… not used to this kind of relationship. I don’t know how Dylan has met people until now, but for me, the relationship with you was difficult from beginning to end. Did my having sex with you look like an easy decision? For me, that was the maximum I could do. In a situation where I didn’t know how sincere the other person was, I didn’t want to indulge in delusions alone. Because if I did, I would only be the one getting hurt. How do I know when your curiosity will end? I was just trying to protect myself.”

“…Curiosity? Who? You? Or me?”

“Otherwise, why would you… me…”

“For God’s sake, please, Joeon.”

Dylan closed his eyes tightly, suppressing the rising anger, then opened them.

“…Dylan, you and I live in such different worlds.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean we don’t fit together.”

“Who decided that?”

“I did!”

Joeon shouted.

“…I’m sorry. For being a coward.”

Silence lingered where a heated argument had just passed. A while later, having calmed his emotions, Dylan asked, composed.

“Fine. So what you’re saying is, you stepped back because you weren’t sure of my feelings for you until now.”

“…”

“It feels like the time we’ve spent so far was all for nothing, but since it doesn’t seem like a complete disaster, I’ll ask you properly, then. Will you be my lover?”

At the end of the words he had poured out as if cornered, there was an unexpected question. Joeon’s eyes widened.

“…In this situation?”

“I’m a person, too. I get shocked and hurt, too. However, I don’t think I should let you go like this.”

“You just told me to get out of your house a moment ago.”

“I didn’t go that far, Joeon. I only said that because I didn’t want to be angry at you.”

Dylan sent a desperate look to Joeon, urging him for an answer. However, Joeon shook his head and dropped his gaze.

Joeon was actually satisfied with their sex friend relationship until now. It was better to be in a relationship that could be enjoyed and cut off easily, like instant food.

The larger the area Dylan occupied inside him, the greater the emptiness would be when the day came for him to leave. Like removing a tumor, the moment he had to be emptied from within him would be followed by pain and agony as if an organ were being ripped out whole.