ASD 36

His fingers hesitated over the screen. But as it was an act he had held back and held back, his hand moved quickly after that. He opened the messenger app and blankly traced his conversation history with Gijun with his eyes.

Gijun

[What are you doing?]

Gijun

[Did you have a good lunch?]

Gijun

[Can I call you tonight?]

The three messages had been sent a few hours apart. He had only sent one reply to them.

[I’m studying. I don’t think I can take a call. Do well in your training]

He had debated whether to add the last sentence, but in the end, he had sent it that way. No matter what happened to their relationship in the future, he couldn’t deny his hope that Gijun would finish his training safely and without getting hurt.

He scrolled up and up, going back in reverse chronological order as he read the trivial messages. A faint smile appeared on Gawon’s lips as he meticulously examined every message.

It hurt, but it was also nice. While warmly reminiscing about the cozy comfort the boy had given him, his chest pricked as if a thorn were caught in it.

Then, at a certain point, Gawon’s hand stopped.

He saw the photo Gijun had sent to explain himself on the day he had misunderstood after hearing the name of his cat, Sunny. The events of that day flashed before his eyes like a panorama.

You, who waited for me in front of my house for hours. You, who never once blamed me despite the misunderstanding. You, who apologized, saying you were sorry for hurting my feelings anyway. Your face, as you sat across from me eating udon, smiling so brightly as if you hadn’t a care in the world…

“…”

It hurt too much to keep looking at the messages. Gawon let out a long sigh and put his phone in his pocket.

Gijun, who had hidden the note with his mother’s shame on it so that no one would see, had been so intent on keeping his heart from getting hurt.

But he…

Guilt stained his heart in a messy blotch. He had feared a moment that hadn’t even arrived, for the sole reason that he didn’t want his own feelings for Gijun to be shattered. He had been so engrossed in hiding himself away, afraid of getting his own heart hurt, that he had mercilessly pushed Gijun’s feelings away, turned his back, and run…

Gawon, holding the heart the boy had so preciously offered, took out that moment and mulled it over countless times. The more he revisited it, the more touching and beautiful it became, bestowing upon Gawon a certain realization.

My feelings are the same as Gijun’s.

I… I liked Gijun.

How could he like a classmate, and a boy at that? How could he like a boy who was taller and bigger than him? How… could he like him even after knowing about his family?

All those questions were rendered useless in the face of the warmth Gijun had shown him. The power that the person named Gijun possessed was so great and strong that it was enough to shatter the world’s common sense and the shield Gawon had long held up.

That’s why he felt even more sorry and his heart ached more. For hurting Gijun, who was so precious to him. For feeling regret that he had been such a coward. And, for not being able to rashly approach Gijun even after realizing his own feelings.

His mind was a jumble. The chaos brought on another fear. What if Gijun, who had been brutally rejected by him, didn’t want to see him anymore? What if he was completely turned off by him drawing a line and saying, ‘let’s stop here’?

What if he disliked him now? What if he said he didn’t even want to be friends with him? What was he supposed to do, how was he supposed to face the boy in the future…

He never knew that having no experience untangling a complicated thread with someone, confirming each other’s feelings, and exchanging warmth could feel so hopeless. In this moment, Gawon felt like a lost child.

‘…For now… when Gijun comes back.’

He said tomorrow was the last day of training. He would probably train until evening and come back at night. Then he would be able to see his face at school the day after tomorrow…

He didn’t know what he would say when they actually met, but still, Gawon had no choice but to wait for the day after tomorrow. He just wanted to see Gijun. The truth was, he missed him a lot, a whole lot.

Inside the empty restroom. Gawon, sitting on the toilet, quietly sighed and tilted his head back.

The way Heo Yeonggyu’s group had been picking a fight with him today was somehow unusual. It had also bothered him that they had been whispering and laughing ominously at him since the morning.

And since they had tormented him more seriously and viciously during the long lunch break, Gawon had given up on lunch early and had hidden in the restroom. For Gawon, for whom school lunch was his main source of nutrition, it was a shame, but it couldn’t be helped.

Gawon took out the bread and milk he had bought in the morning. He put on his earphones and turned on an English listening file. As he concentrated on the listening, he quickly forgot about this shitty situation. He slowly chewed on a piece of bread and listened to the questions. It was the moment he threw the now-empty bread wrapper into the trash can and opened the milk.

A cold splash of water rained down on the top of his head.

“Aack!”

The unpleasant sensation that suddenly drenched him made Gawon scream. The water that soaked his head and shoulders dripped to the floor.

Gawon, who had thrown aside his soaked English book, instinctively held the restroom door tight. The boisterous laughter that erupted from in front of the door told him all too well who was responsible for this.

“Hey, drag that bastard out quick. I’m so fucking excited, shit.”

Heo Yeonggyu said in a swaggering, commanding tone. His voice was full of anticipation, as if he was finding something extremely amusing. His sense of foreboding doubled. The moment he desperately grabbed and hung onto the doorknob, he saw the face of a guy peeking over from above.

“Hey, this bastard has set up house in here? Eating milk and studying.”

“Damn, what a fucking scene.”

The sound of giggling and jeering echoed throughout the restroom. Gawon, flustered and scrambling around, trembled all over. The guys who had climbed over from the next stall by stepping on the toilet unhesitatingly invaded the stall Gawon was in.

“What are you doing? Get out! I told you not to come in!”

Gawon screamed and swung his fists blindly. The space, though small and smelly, which had held a brief moment of peace, was turned into a complete mess. The two guys who had jumped over the stall wall easily subdued Gawon’s movements. The door he had desperately locked was opened in vain.

“Sunny, hi?”

Heo Yeonggyu smiled obnoxiously and waved his hand. Then he suddenly grabbed Gawon’s chin and tilted it this way and that.

“You’ve been living comfortably lately, trusting in that Gijun bastard’s protection. Look how nice and shiny your face has gotten.”

“Get off me! Why are you doing this to me, for god’s sake!”

Gawon screamed and shook off Heo Yeonggyu’s hand. At that, Heo Yeonggyu’s sickeningly smiling face instantly changed, and he suddenly grabbed a handful of Gawon’s hair.

“Why, you ask, you fucker. ‘Cause I’ve set up a real fun stage, you know? Let’s go, quick.”

“Let go! Let go of me, let go!”

Heo Yeonggyu put strength into his arm. At the same time, his feet, which had been desperately trying to hold their ground, were lifted. The humiliation of being dragged like a dog and the pain of his scalp feeling like it would be torn off swirled together.

The guy walked with the swagger of a general who had taken the head of an enemy commander. The crowd that had filled the hallway parted in an instant at the interesting spectacle of a small boy being dragged by his hair. Everyone followed behind them with curious eyes.

Arriving at the classroom, Heo Yeonggyu led Gawon to the center and then plopped him down on an empty desk as if tossing him aside.

“Hey, he’s here, he’s here!”

“Ah, I’m so fucking excited.”

Gawon panted and raised his hate-filled gaze. The group of sunbaes who had been smoking with Heo Yeonggyu yesterday were standing there with Heo Yeonggyu’s group, looking down at Gawon. All with smiles on their faces, as if finding something incredibly funny.

Suddenly, the vulgar graffiti scribbled all over the chalkboard came into his trembling vision. Sunny. Whore. Choice. Hostess outfit. And Yoon Gawon… Sentences made up entirely of such words rushed at him all at once and were branded onto Gawon’s chest like a hot iron.

I want to die.

That was the only thought in his mind.

“Hey, grab this bastard.”

One of them gestured at Gawon with his chin, smiling slimily. Gawon, sensing the ominous intent, screamed and struggled. He blindly threw punches at the faces of the guys trying to hold him down, grabbing, tearing, and scratching. But Gawon, who was numerically inferior, was bound to have his resistance quickly suppressed.

“Hey, hold that bastard down properly. I got this from my girlfriend, asked her to give it to me, you know?”

In the snickering sunbae’s hand was a long, flowing wig. Gawon looked up at it with a disbelieving expression.

“Yesterday, I was looking at this bastard’s face, and ha, shit. I just thought, this is exactly what his mom would look like.”

At those words, laughter erupted around them. Gawon, who had finally grasped their disgusting intention, bit his trembling lip. His short, panting breaths caught in his chest. He was so dizzy he couldn’t breathe, and his eyes grew hot.

How could a person. How could a person be like this? How, how could they go this far…

“Let go! Let go, you fucker! Just you dare put that on me, I’ll kill you!”

“Ah, stop your bullshit and hold still.”

Blurry tears flowed down his cheeks. His screaming voice cracked into pieces. His body was trembling so much, and the strength was draining from his arms and legs, so he couldn’t resist properly. He couldn’t possibly win against the guys who were firmly holding both his arms and legs from the sides.

The wig was finally placed on Gawon’s head. But Gawon screamed with all his might and shook his head, so the wig immediately fell to the floor.

Slap! A loud noise, and pain flared in his cheek. His head rang with the stinging ache. The sunbae who had slapped him placed the wig on Gawon’s head again and secured it firmly.

“Hey, Sunny. You’re so pretty. Should I send this picture to your boyfriend?”

“Heh heh, right. That wimpy bastard will love seeing this.”

From the side, Heo Yeonggyu snickered and snapped picture after picture. Gawon’s face, wearing a wig and smeared with tears, was captured by the camera.

Just then, perhaps because they had let their guard down, the grip on his right arm loosened. Gawon immediately twisted his hand free and aimed for the cheek of the sunbae right in front of him.

“Don’t! You fucking piece of trash! I told you not to!”

Along with Gawon’s wail, a tearing sound split the air. The sunbae, who had been hit so hard his head whipped to the side, glared at Gawon with a sinister expression.

“Ah, this fucker… Look at this?”

He put on a serious face and took off his watch.

“You’re dead today. When I say you’re pretty, you should just spread your legs on your own…”

The sunbae raised his fist. His heart hammered as if it would leap out of his chest. It was the moment Gawon squeezed his eyes shut and flinched his shoulders.

Bang—!

At that moment, the sunbae was explosively pushed and flew sideways. Gawon’s eyes flew open. Everyone held their breath and turned their gaze at the incredible force, as if he had been hit by a giant car.