ASD 34

“…If we don’t do this now, it’ll be harder for you later.”

“…”

“I really have to focus on my studies now, so I don’t have time to meet anymore. …You have to train, too.”

Using excuses he had never used before, he hid the words he could not bring himself to say. I wish you would stay just as you are now in my memory forever. The moment I see you overlapping with those people who make my life difficult, I really won’t be able to bear it.

You, the first spring to ever come into my life, I never want to destroy you.

“I won’t make you uncomfortable. I won’t take your time either. I won’t bother you by constantly asking to meet. Just… let me stay just as we are now.”

Gijun said in a trembling voice as he took a step closer. Gawon quietly averted his gaze. At the clear sign of rejection, Gijun’s face hardened even more.

“Gawon. What… what should I do?”

“You don’t have to do anything. It’s not your problem.”

“…Then?”

“…”

“Tell me. Gawon.”

Large palms wrapped around both of Gawon’s forearms. Gawon shook his head and tried to take a step back. But the hot warmth clung to him tenaciously.

“Tell me.”

“…Stop it.”

“Yoon Gawon!”

“I can’t tell you, so I said stop!”

Gawon, shaking his head frantically, shouted. His voice was hot and damp. He felt like the lump that had built up in his chest was about to explode. He might push Gijun away, but he didn’t want to hurt him with the thoughts he was harboring now.

“…Gawon. Did… did something happen to you?”

Only after hearing Gijun’s faltering words did Gawon realize he was swallowing back tears. His eyelids were hot. Gawon forcefully pulled his captured arms free. He quickly whipped his head around, turning his back to Gijun.

“I’m leaving for today.”

“Yoon Gawon.”

After taking a couple of steps, Gijun’s hand grabbed his wrist again. This time, Gawon didn’t try to shake it off with force. He knew that if he did, Gijun would just grab him again and again.

Gawon took a deep breath. He coolly steeled his heart and turned around. He looked Gijun straight in the eye and spoke.

“It hurts. Please let go of my hand.”

Immediately, the strength that had been binding his wrist loosened. For a moment, the look in Gijun’s eyes was painful. The pupils that were always straight and filled with strength were wavering violently.

“…I get it. Then.”

Gijun rubbed his face hard with one palm. A rough sigh escaped his broad chest. His thick Adam’s apple bobbed up and down with difficulty.

“I’ll walk you home. Please let me do at least that.”

“I’ll go home alone today.”

“…Gawon. If you suddenly act like this, I…”

“Later. …Let’s talk again, later.”

Gawon quickly walked out of the park. He walked without looking back even once until he was completely out of the downtown area. Before he knew it, he was out of breath, and a thin film of sweat had formed on his forehead.

When he reached the empty bus stop, the sigh he had been holding in finally burst out. Gawon stood there blankly, waiting for the bus home. He felt worse than terrible, he felt awful.

‘What should I do?’

Gijun’s voice, asking that, had been almost desperate. The voice that was always full of ease and playfulness had been tinged with anxiety. He had made him that way. The damp, mold-like sadness that had completely taken over his life had finally spread to Gijun.

You, who colored my mornings, which had been weary with pessimism and fatigue, with vitality and anticipation,

You, who sat across from me and ate udon together, offering comfort by saying I had worked hard today,

You, who became a sturdy shoulder to lean on at the edge of a cliff of reality more terrible than any nightmare.

I had finally gone and hurt you.

*

Sweat was pouring down like rain. Gijun roughly wiped away the salty liquid that kept getting into his eyes with the back of his hand.

The sandbags tied to his arms and legs were heavy. His footsteps, as he silently climbed the rugged mountain path, did not stop for even a single moment, despite the worries that filled his mind.

“Hey. You’re losing speed. Keep up!”

“Yes, sir!”

Ahn Sungjoon and Kim Junhyeong, who had fallen behind, scowled. The number of participants in this training session was seven, including the director and Gijun.

In a certain county in Gangwon Province, famous for various leisure sports, there were several training centers situated adjacent to a deep mountain range. The director, who had visited this place by chance and fallen in love with it at first sight, would bring his trainees here to train for a few days whenever there was a competition.

The men’s rough breathing echoed along the narrow path. Gijun, though panting continuously, silently stared straight ahead. He did not stop walking even as he was drenched in sweat and his vision swayed with dizziness.

With his usual stamina, he could have climbed a mountain path like this with ease, but it was a different story after sparring nonstop for several hours since the early morning. On top of that, trying to run with heavy sandbags on his arms and legs made his whole body feel like it was being dragged down into the dirt.

“Hah… fuck.”

Gijun rubbed his forehead haphazardly with his palm and chewed on a curse mixed with a hot breath. No matter how much he moved his body, he couldn’t shake off the thoughts that were clouding his mind. He let out a deep sigh and bit his lip hard.

I guess… I was too hasty.

Confessing for no reason, scaring the kid…

‘I don’t think I can.’

‘Let’s stop there.’

Every time he recalled Gawon’s face as he lowered his head and said those words, Gijun felt his mind go distant. He wanted to beat the hell out of his idiotic self.

“Hah, fuck, fuck.”

Gijun raised his fist and repeatedly struck his own head. Sungjoon, who was struggling to keep up from behind, made a bewildered face and twirled his index finger at his temple.

“What the, huff, huff… Gijun… Are you, huff, going crazy from exhaustion?”

Gijun didn’t reply and just stared ahead with venomous eyes. Sungjoon, who was used to the somewhat rude dismissal, nudged Junhyeong, who was right next to him.

“That bastard, huff, isn’t he acting a little, strange today?”

“I know… haah… I mean, he always goes around grinning, huff, like a screw is loose.”

He could taste blood in his mouth. Spit, turning his head to the side, Gijun spat, then took out the water bottle from his pants and wet his mouth. He poured the rest haphazardly over his head and face.

He pulled up his t-shirt to roughly wipe his wet face, then focused his eyes. The muscles all over his body spasmed involuntarily, and a white fog clouded his vision. One by one, people began to fall behind, but Gijun continued to climb the mountain. He felt that if he stopped, he would be eaten alive by the distracting thoughts in his head.

After coming down from the mountain, they had a late lunch. After simply brushing their teeth and washing their faces, the sparring resumed immediately.

Gijun, with sunken eyes, shoved a mouthguard into his mouth. As he put on his gloves and entered the ring, Ahn Sungjoon followed. A taut tension filled the ring.

Ahn Sungjoon adopted an aggressive stance from the start. He applied pressure by unleashing a relentless barrage of middle kicks, but Gijun soon went for a tackle, ducking into Ahn Sungjoon’s stomach and lifting his right thigh as if hugging it. Ahn Sungjoon, momentarily losing his center of gravity, fell backward.

“Ahn Sungjoon! Get up, you have to go in again. Throw kicks like before. What are you doing!”

The director’s voice rang out thunderously inside the training hall. But a pace, once broken, did not easily return. Gijun moved like a machine that had finished warming up. Hits didn’t seem to faze him much, and his opponent quickly tired in the face of his solid body, which would fiercely dig in, seizing the opportunity whenever he broke their stance.

In contrast to his heated body, Gijun’s eyes were coldly calm. It was different from his usual self, which would glisten with exhilaration whenever he trained. He looked like someone broken, his expression dazed as if his mind was somewhere else.

The standing sparring match had turned into a ground fight. Ahn Sungjoon, who had taken the top position from the start, quickly mounted Gijun’s stomach. He immediately attempted a submission, but Gijun reversed the position one step ahead.

Nimbly taking Ahn Sungjoon’s back, Gijun wrapped his arm around his neck. Gijun’s rough, hard bicep pressed down on his throat. Ahn Sungjoon’s eyes bulged in his reddening face. The pressure, which allowed for no openings, quickly caused his face to become ischemic.

“Gack, ta… tap.”

A sound as small as an ant’s barely escaped his mouth. His face, flushed with blood, gradually turned deathly pale. The hand that had been desperately tapping Gijun’s forearm began to flail helplessly in the air.

However, Gijun, who was engrossed in something, did not hear his voice. Gijun’s attacks, which were already overwhelming, had become dull, to the point where he couldn’t carefully observe his opponent, and at the same time, they had become merciless.

“Stop! Hey, Gijun!”

The director, unable to watch any longer, intervened. Only then did the light return to Gijun’s eyes. Gijun, startled, immediately released the strength in his arm.