ASD 33

“Eating with you, drinking chocolate milk, walking together, talking on the phone… When I do those things with you, I feel so good.”

Swoosh— The wind rustling through the tree branches, carrying a fresh scent, tickled his cheek. Gawon quietly looked up at Gijun.

“But, that’s not enough for me anymore.”

The image of Gijun crouching and groaning was nowhere to be seen. The earnest gaze directed at him dulled all his other senses.

“I want to keep seeing you, and I want to tell you that I want to see you. And.”

Thump, thump. A dull sound surged up from somewhere and struck his ears. The beating in his chest rapidly grew stronger.

“I want to link arms with you, hold your hand, whisper in your ear, …and kiss you, too.”

Each and every one of Gijun’s words flew at him, as fast and precise as a pitcher’s throw. The way the boy charged forward was so completely without confusion.

“I like you. Gawon.”

A direct gaze. A voice without falsehood. His heart trembled and rattled. His vision swam, and his fingertips tingled.

The lukewarm spring breeze tickled the tip of his nose. The rain of flower petals fell again, blanketing Gijun’s head and shoulders. Even amidst this thick scent of spring, Gijun’s fragrance was not buried but remained distinct.

Gijun.

Likes me.

Time seemed to stop. His confession, which had seeped warmly into his chest, swirled like flower petals caught in the wind.

His insides churned. It was a turbulent wave he had never once experienced before.

Gijun, standing before him with a few flower petals on his shoulders, exuding the most intense presence, was the first spring Gawon had ever greeted.

“…”

Gawon silently lowered his head.

He had never liked a boy before. The people who had trampled on Gawon’s life had all been men, so he was more inclined to feel revulsion. And yet, in the face of Gijun, who was throwing a blazing fastball, his gender surprisingly did not matter.

Because Gijun had not pushed him away even after learning about his family situation. Because unlike the other kids who scorned, ignored, and loathed him, he was the only one who had tried so hard not to hurt him, even changing the name of the cat he was raising.

However.

Gawon gently closed his eyes. The bruise that had been clearly visible on his mother’s face a few days ago was vividly etched in his mind.

They sometimes sought out his mother as clients, and sometimes used her as a toy they could easily exploit. When his mother tried to escape the trap, they would catch her in a flash and trample her mercilessly. They would even grab his face as he tried to stop them, turning it this way and that as they showered him with ridicule. They were that kind of scum.

The fear and loathing that naturally welled up were instinctive, preceding reason. Just hearing the words ‘gangster’ or ‘thug’ made his heart pound. He couldn’t breathe, his hands would jerk erratically, and his lips would tremble. Even if he saw just the shadows of such people from a distance, Gawon would take a long detour.

And Gijun was connected to that kind of family.

The moment he got any closer to Gijun, their world would come into sharper view, and Gawon hated and feared that to death. He couldn’t bear to confirm with his own eyes that Gijun belonged to that place. If he did, he felt it would be truly difficult to endure.

Because he wanted to keep liking Gijun. Because he wanted to cherish the warmth of the spring days that only this boy could show him, just as he did now.

He was aware that he was being a coward. He was pushing away Gijun, who hadn’t made an issue of his family, by making an issue of his.

And yet, his hesitation ultimately kept Gawon silent. A heart that had been brutally crushed for a long time could not easily bloom.

Gawon, with his head lowered, said in a small voice.

“…Something… something like that… I don’t think I can.”

They probably wouldn’t be able to stay the way they had been until now. The short-lived spring dream had been beautiful, and for that reason, it was even more sorrowful. It must have been the result of coveting something that was beyond his station. No matter how much he liked the warmth this boy gave him, he shouldn’t have been this greedy.

Still, I… want to keep eating with you, Gijun. I wish we could occasionally go to the snack bar together and exchange a kind greeting with our eyes when we meet. I want to say that so badly, but Gawon kept his mouth shut.

“Ah… I got rejected. I guess I was too hasty after all.”

Gijun muttered, rubbing the back of his neck with his palm. Gawon bit his lip gently.

“…I’m sorry.”

“No, what are you sorry for. But Gawon. Did I… make you uncomfortable?”

Gijun asked in a cautious voice. After a moment’s hesitation, Gawon shook his head, and Gijun smiled brightly as if he had never been rejected.

“That’s a relief. I avoided the worst-case scenario.”

His chuckle sounded innocent. Gijun took a step closer and placed a hand on Gawon’s head. Gawon flinched for a moment, but he quietly accepted the boy’s touch.

“Then, can I keep trying by your side, until you like me?”

“…”

“You can just treat me comfortably like you do now. Just please don’t avoid me.”

Rustle, rustle. The soft touch stroking his hair, and the voice asking him not to avoid him. For Gawon, who had pushed the boy away, all of it was hard to bear.

You were the only one who didn’t blame me for my situation. And yet, I’m pushing you away, using the environment surrounding you as a reason. Why can you be so warm and gentle to me?

“No, don’t do that.”

Gawon turned his head. He grabbed the boy’s hand and pulled it down, deliberately speaking in a cold voice.

“…Don’t do that. Who am I for you to go to the effort of trying by my side.”

“What do you mean, who are you? You’re Yoon Gawon.”

His voice, pushing him away callously, trembled. But Gijun’s voice was perfectly calm.

“The prettiest, most handsome, and kindest kid I know.”

“…What are you talking about.”

“You’re pretty when you smile, pretty when you eat, pretty when you talk, and pretty when you walk. And you’re killer sexy when you study.”

“Stop, stop it.”

“You’re badass when you swear and when you hit… Ow, ow. That hurts.”

Unable to hold back any longer, he struck the boy’s back. Gijun, who had been hit with a smacking sound, was smiling even as he whined that it hurt.

“It’s true. Gawon. I’m not kidding.”

“…”

“This is the first time I’ve ever confessed to someone.”

A deep sincerity was imbued in his smiling eyes and his voice. Despite having been rejected, Gijun was busy encouraging Gawon, who lacked self-confidence.

Because this boy was such a good person. Because he was a wonderful boy, more than he deserved. And that was why he hated himself for rejecting Gijun. He was also sick and tired of the environment that had forced him to say no.

“You’re really good to me in so many ways… I’m sorry for upsetting you. So.”

His mouth felt dry. For some reason, he kept getting choked up. Gawon couldn’t meet Gijun’s eyes and lowered his gaze.

“From now on, let’s just… keep a moderate distance. Like now, just, it’s fine if we eat together at school. …If that’s okay with you.”

“…”

“But, let’s stop there.”

Gawon closed his eyes and swallowed a sigh. Even as he spoke, a corner of his chest throbbed. It felt as if someone was slapping an open, red wound.

“Meeting at night, calling before bed, and hanging out separately like this. After today… let’s not do these things.”

“…”

“Any more than this will be hard on you. And I’ll get uncomfortable too. So…”

Eating with you, strolling down a spring-dusted path, watching a movie, talking on the phone until late at night, calling each other’s names while wandering through harsh reality and nightmares…

How could he possibly dislike it? How could it possibly be easy to cut off everything he had done with you all at once?

Still, he felt that ending things cleanly would be the polite thing to do for Gijun. If he couldn’t reciprocate his feelings, then it was his job to draw a reasonable line so that Gijun would no longer have a hard time. So that the precious Gijun, who had approached him with an honest heart, would no longer have a hard time.

“…Even if I have a nightmare?”

A question suddenly burst from Gijun. At the suppressed voice, one he had never heard before, Gawon was startled and raised his head.

“…Huh?”

“You said… I could call you anytime if I have a scary dream.”

Gijun’s face was contorted as if he were about to cry. Gawon stared at Gijun with a blank gaze. It was the first time he had ever seen the always relaxed and playful boy make such an expression.

“…Even if I have a nightmare, I can’t call you?”

“…”

“Gawon. I’m sorry for startling you so suddenly. But.”

Gijun lowered his head. The shadow cast by him covered Gawon’s face. The large hands resting at his sides repeatedly clenched and unclenched into fists. Each time he made a fist, his thick, braceleted wrist trembled slightly.

“But if you don’t even let me see you… I think it’ll be really hard for me from then on.”

Gijun, his eyes scrunched up, bit his lip hard. His deep voice was trembling wretchedly. Gawon’s heart sank. This boy, so strong and sturdy, was bowing his head like this over a single word from him.