ASD 30

With a flushed face, Gijun walked closely beside Gawon. His steps toward the bus stop felt as light as a feather.

How much he had been counting down the days until today. The one and only reason Gijun, who wasn’t much concerned with his exam scores, had anxiously waited for the exams to end was this. To be like this with Yoon Gawon.

‘Just watch a movie… and eat. Drink coffee… how about something like that.’

When he asked what he wanted to do, Gawon had contemplated for a long time before answering like that. It was an extremely ordinary and everyday course, but it didn’t matter. As long as he could spend time with Yoon Gawon, anything was fine.

He was excited, yet subtly nervous. He felt strangely tense, like a greenhorn who had never been on a date before. And Gijun found this version of himself very unfamiliar.

Eating, watching a movie, drinking coffee. These were all things he had done with the girls he had briefly dated before. They weren’t special, and they were things that had left no impression on him.

But what was this that made him so excited? So much that he had even lost sleep the night before.

‘Ha… damn it.’

Gijun rubbed the back of his neck with his palm. He was going crazy being conscious of Yoon Gawon walking beside him.

He had simply caught a whiff of the shampoo scent from this kid’s hair, but his heart was pounding as fast as if he had done several hundred push-ups. It had been like this a lot lately.

It was easy when he had simply thought of wanting to get close to Gawon. He had persistently put his arm around his shoulder whether he was pushed away or not, and tried to make Gawon laugh by throwing out what he thought were funny words.

He just wanted to see this kid smile. That was all. Since the purpose was simple and clear, there was no room for useless thoughts to creep in.

But now.

First of all, his body didn’t feel like his own. The body he had prided himself on being not just healthy but like cast iron would break down with a clatter whenever it touched Yoon Gawon.

His heart that pounded like crazy whenever he saw this kid, all the senses in his body that stood on end when he smelled his fragrant scent, and his ears that felt like they would melt away when he heard his delicate and neat voice.

Breaking out in a cold sweat, his heart pounding, a fire boiling in his chest, electricity zinging through his skin… Gijun learned for the first time that his body could have such a variety of reactions.

The one clear purpose had faded away at some point. Seeing Yoon Gawon’s smiling face, Gijun could no longer be satisfied with that alone. The emotions that swirled whenever he saw that kid stirred up a greed he didn’t even know he had, as large as a house.

I want to see Yoon Gawon’s smiling face. But I want the reason for it to be me. I want Yoon Gawon to also ponder and agonize over our relationship. I want this kid to also feel, even just a little bit, the same kind of perplexing emotions as me. I want him to sometimes feel frustrated, but still want to get to know more about the person named Gijun.

I want Gawon to be the same as me, who finds comfort just by thinking of him in the empty, silent night. I want that kid, on lonely dawns when he can’t sleep, to toss and turn thinking of me and no one else, just like I had thought of Yoon Gawon and no one else.

This emotion that had changed its texture in his heart at some point, what name should he put on it to be right?

Gijun didn’t know what to do. He literally felt like he had been thrown into the open sea without even knowing how to swim. He didn’t even know the name of this sea. All Gijun could do was just flail his arms and legs with all his might and move forward.

“What are you thinking about?”

Gijun, without realizing it, took a sharp breath in. His breath was taken away by the small, white face looking up at him intently.

You see, a gaze like yours is what makes me break down…

“…It’s nothing. Just that I hope we have a lot of fun today. It’ll be hard to hang out like this again for a while.”

“What. It’s not like today is the last time.”

A light chuckle escaped, and Yoon Gawon’s eyes curved prettily.

“We can just hang out again next time. After your competition is over.”

The gesture of looking away without any lingering attachment after saying that was heart-wrenchingly indifferent. And yet, Gijun’s heart flutters helplessly again at the words that so casually promise a next time. That day, whenever it may be, he would once again be counting the days, one by one.

“I’d love that. I’d love that so much. You’re asking me out on a date right now, right?”

“Hey. I told you not to use that word…”

To hide his agitation, Gijun deliberately whispered those words into Gawon’s ear. The way he quickly turned red and threw a punch—smack—at his shoulder was really like Sunny… no, Munsik, throwing a kitty cat punch.

Thinking of a cat when he saw Yoon Gawon was still the same. Gijun chuckled and pictured his cat sleeping peacefully at home.

He didn’t know how many times he had apologized to Munsik for changing the name he had been called for years. He could have just changed it for when Gawon came over, but after much thought, he decided to change it completely. It was to avoid calling him by that name in front of Gawon, even by mistake.

Because he had seen how much it hurt Gawon. Because he didn’t want to hurt that kid anymore, the one who looked pained as if stabbed by a nail and had tears welling up in his eyes just from uttering that name.

‘I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. But the kid I like gets really hurt when I say that name. Please understand, Munsik.’

Muttering like that while stroking Munsik’s fur, Gijun had suddenly stopped speaking. An unannounced realization had come and struck him.

Wow, I like Yoon Gawon more than I thought.

Until now, the only one he could call real family was Sunny. To the point where he would change even Sunny’s name without hesitation.

“Gijun, the bus is here.”

“Okay, okay.”

The sound of his transit card being scanned rang out cheerfully. Luckily, a two-person seat was empty, so they sat there together. He was about to call a taxi out of habit, but he ended up taking the bus thanks to Gawon’s nagging about why he was wasting money unnecessarily. Come to think of it, this was the first time they had taken the bus together.

A few of the kids who were on the bus recognized them. Gijun gave them a perfunctory greeting and immediately turned his head toward Gawon. It took about 15 minutes by bus to get to the downtown area where the movie theater and restaurants were clustered.

His body swayed pleasantly. Warmth was transmitted through their touching thighs. His own square knees that protruded greatly and Yoon Gawon’s round and delicate knees. Staring at them blankly, his chest tingled. An unfamiliar sense of fullness and a terrible thirst, which he had never felt before, arose at the same time.

His gaze, which had been fixed on their touching thighs, slowly moved upward. Gijun secretly stole a glance at Yoon Gawon’s face, who was looking out the window, like a thief. The line that fell from his eyes to his nose, and from his lips to his chin, was as neat as a picture. An impulse arose to reach out and touch it.

The sound of other guys chattering noisily flowed past his ears like background noise. It felt as if only his and Yoon Gawon’s time had stopped inside the bus. Just a moment ago, he had been excited at the thought of getting off quickly and hanging out with this kid, but now, the thought that it would be nice just like this also came to him.

*

Gawon stopped in front of the family restaurant building with a troubled face.

Last night, when Gijun had asked what he wanted to eat, he had vaguely replied, ‘I can eat anything.’ He’d asked in an excited tone if he could decide as he pleased, and Gawon telling him to go ahead had been the cause of this trouble.

“Um, Gijun. I’m sorry about the place you went to the trouble of thinking of, but… a place like this is… a little burdensome for me.”

Gawon spoke in a voice that trailed off and lowered his head. His pride, which had fallen to the ground, was crumpled so pathetically, but there was nothing he could do. This was not a level that could be resolved with bravado.

In preparation for hanging out today, he had even opened the box where he had been saving up a little money. He had taken out about 40,000 won with a big heart, but a place like this was definitely out of the question. He had never been, so he didn’t know for sure, but he knew that a single menu item cost over 20,000 or 30,000 won.

However, Gijun, on the contrary, looked as if he was the more puzzled one.

“Ah. Did I not tell you? You promised to come to my competition, right? There’s a custom of buying a meal in advance for the person who comes.”

“Why…?”

Gawon asked in a hesitant tone, half-believing and half-doubting. But Gijun just shrugged as if he were asking something obvious.

“Why do you think. The person who comes cheers you on and wipes your sweat… gives you water and stuff, so you treat them in advance out of gratitude.”

“Ah.”

“It’s not just me. Everyone at our gym does it.”

“Still, it’s too expensive…”

“It’s fine. If you skimp on things like this, your luck will turn bad. You know how important jinxes are to people who do sports.”

Could it be true? Or was he just saying that to make him feel at ease? Gawon still looked at Gijun with suspicious eyes, but after he had gone that far, he had nothing more to argue.

Gijun said the reservation time was almost up and smoothly led Gawon into the restaurant. Gijun, who said “Two people,” to the employee who came out to guide them, looked very accustomed to places like this.

Gawon, trying not to be obvious, looked around and followed Gijun and the employee. The inside of the restaurant, decorated in a casual yet exotic concept, looked just like a restaurant from a western movie. Befitting the restaurant’s name, which included the word steak, posters with large steaks drawn on them were plastered here and there on the walls. When they sat down at the guided table, a menu was placed on top of it.

“What do you want to eat? Gawon.”

“I’m fine with anything… just order what you like.”

“Really? Then I’ll order a variety.”

Gijun flipped through the menu and ordered naturally. As he’d said he would order a variety, his movements as he chose one menu item from each category without leaving anything out were fluid.

The employee left, and the two of them were alone. The inside of the restaurant was dim overall, but thanks to the lights illuminating each table, it felt even more secretive and cozy.

Ironically, the words Gijun had said earlier about a date or whatever suddenly came to mind. He felt needlessly shy looking at his face.

His wandering gaze naturally moved to the large hands on the table. A thick wrist, a fist with lumpy bones protruding, and the back of a hand embroidered with small scars. The shape was long and pretty, but rather than a delicate hand, it was closer to a rough and wild feeling. It was the hand of someone who works out.

Gawon’s gaze stopped on the rosary bracelet on his wrist.