ASD 16

“Why are you leaving alone? We should go together.”

“I’m busy today. I have to go quickly.”

“Me too. Let’s leave together.”

There it was again. This boy was the same as ever today. Even though Gawon pushed him away so coldly it would sound harsh even to his own ears, Gijun’s kindness, which tirelessly flowed back in, was particularly hard to bear today.

Gawon walked on, staring straight ahead without a word. His mind was a tangled mess. What did Gijun think after receiving that note? What did he think of him now?

Was he disgusted? He must think he’s dirty. Now… he probably doesn’t want to do things like eat with him, go to the snack bar, or go for tteokbokki anymore…….

The thought made his chest ache with a dull pain. The stares from other kids were like dulled knives now, unable to inflict a fatal wound. But for some reason, just imagining that kind of look from Gijun was painful. It was so agonizing that he didn’t want to imagine it.

“Let’s go together—. You’re walking really fast today.”

“I told you I was busy.”

Gawon, answering bluntly, kept his legs moving without rest. He felt that if he slowed his pace even a little, Gijun would turn him around by the shoulders and ask what was wrong. He didn’t want to get caught with the heat he was desperately holding back in his eyes.

But trying to outwalk Gijun was a fool’s errand in the first place. The legs attached to that massive, door-like body were just as long. No matter how fast Gawon tried to walk, he couldn’t possibly shake off Gijun, who followed along with light, long strides.

“Gawon.”

“……”

“Yoon Gawon—. Please answer me.”

“…What.”

“Want to come to my house today, have dinner, and study together?”

At the unexpected suggestion, his legs froze without him realizing it. As he stood stock-still, Gijun, who had been clinging to him so tenaciously, also came to an immediate halt. They had walked so fast that they were already at the school gate.

“…No, thanks. Next time.”

“Whyyy. Let’s go. I won’t bother your studying. We’ll just have dinner together, and I’ll study quietly next to you. Okay?”

Gijun wheedled him relentlessly. Watching him act cute in a way that didn’t suit his large frame, Gawon grew flustered. And he grew curious.

Was this boy really okay with it? How could he be acting so completely the same as always?

Gawon stood rooted to the spot, unable to do anything. He was starting to feel a little strange. Until now, no one who knew the truth had ever treated him normally.

‘Hey, I heard his mom works at a… you know.’

‘What? What is that?’

‘Ah, you innocent little punk, you don’t even know? It’s… a place where they sell their bodies….’

‘Whoa, holy s**t… That’s insane.’

‘Come to think of it, doesn’t he have that kind of vibe too? A little bit… anyway, he’s a bit different from us.’

‘Right. He looks kind of like a girl, too.’

Whispering voices. Careless chatter. Voices he could hear no matter how he covered his ears, voices that eventually caught up to him no matter how he ran.

The few kids who had approached him with interest at the beginning of the semester would sneak glances at Gawon with completely different eyes once they heard the rumors spread by Heo Yeonggyu and his group. The gazes that once held pure goodwill were now left with only low-class curiosity, disgust, and contempt.

But why was this boy different?

Even after knowing that fact, why didn’t he despise him? Why was he approaching him as if nothing had happened? Why, for God’s sake, why….

“Ah. Come to think of it, Sunny is there too.”

Just then, Gijun grinned and said that out of the blue.

Gawon’s gaze, which had been wavering unsteadily, came to a halt on one spot. His hotly surging heart was instantly frozen and sank to the very bottom.

“…What did you just…”

His voice wouldn’t come out right. His battered heart was crushed into a mess. Gijun’s attack, which he had guessed would hurt more than anyone else’s, was far more painful than Gawon had ever expected.

He hoped he’d misheard. But Gijun’s pronunciation had been far too clear for that. Above all, there was no way he could have misheard that word, the one that stuck to Gawon’s life as stubbornly as a piece of chewed-up gum.

Gijun was still smiling from ear to ear. Like a child playing a mean prank.

“Ah, Sunny? She looks exactly like you. You’ll be surprised when you see her too.”

“……”

“Aren’t you curious? So come with me to my house…”

Smack—. Gijun’s face whipped to the side with a sharp sound.

He couldn’t breathe. His chest, his hands, were trembling violently. Even though he was the one who had hit him, Gawon was shaking as badly as if he had been the one who was struck.

It was completely unbearable. The fact that this boy had uttered that word in front of him with such a nonchalant face. The fact that, in the end, Gijun was no different from all the other j**ks. The fact that he had almost, once again, naively trusted a boy who was just trying to play with him.

Slowly, Gijun’s head turned back to the front. The boy, who had been chattering and laughing unguardedly, hardened his expression as if he didn’t understand what had happened. Gijun’s cold, blank face was unfamiliar to Gawon, and because of it, his heart overflowed with even more emotion.

His glaring eyes quivered. His heart was pounding so hard he was out of breath.

“You… fucking, b**t**d.”

“…Why all of a sudden,”

“You’re, you’re the worst. You’re the worst b**t**d of them all, you piece of trash!”

His boiling anger turned into malice. A few people standing near the school gate stared at Gawon in surprise, but he paid them no mind.

There was nothing more to deal with. The moment he spun around, a strong hand grabbed his shoulder. His body turned back toward the boy, as limp as a scarecrow. This was Gijun, who had never once treated him this way before.

Right, this must be your true nature. Now do whatever the h**l you want. Hit me, insult me. A firestorm of rage surged in his chest. But no proper words could escape his trembling lips. His eyes were threatening to grow hot with tears in a pathetic way, and he clenched his teeth, determined to hold that back at least.

“Why are you being like this all of a sudden. I won’t know unless you tell me.”

Gijun didn’t hit Gawon. He didn’t insult him or laugh mockingly at him. His coolly settled eyes were only demanding an answer. Tell me what’s on your mind.

But Gawon’s chaotically ruined heart couldn’t find its place. The word that came from Gijun’s mouth was too painful, too agonizing for him to judge the situation rationally.

“Let go of me.”

“Yoon Gawon.”

“I said, let go!”

“…Gawon.”

The two hands gripping his shoulders were firm. The straight, unwavering gaze and the gentle tone calling his name were just like the usual Gijun.

“What am I supposed to do if you just leave like this? I don’t even know why you’re upset.”

“…Ha.”

“Did I make a mistake? Then tell me. I’ll apologize. I’m asking because I really don’t know.”

“Forget it.”

Gawon forcefully shook off the hands on his shoulders. Despite his struggle, tears finally welled up, blurring his vision. He glared straight at Gijun through his tear-filled eyes.

“Don’t follow me. If you grab me by force one more time, I’ll never see you again.”

Every syllable he spat out was agonizing. Thwack. As he slapped the hands away, Gijun’s firm grip fell away as if it had never held him so tightly. Like a dry, crumbling autumn leaf. Like a mirage.

He ran, looking only straight ahead. As he ran, Gawon muttered like a madman. I don’t need anything. I don’t need anything, so just leave me alone. F**k, I hate everything.

Tears, spreading in the wind, soaked his temples. He was sick and tired of it all. He hated Gijun, and he hated himself. He felt pathetic for having suspected only Heo Yeonggyu while looking at the words on the note just a moment ago. He couldn’t be more of an idiot if he tried.

Why did I trust that boy? What did I trust him with to try and give him my heart? After being deceived so many times, how could I have so easily tried to attach the name ‘friend’ to him? A word that didn’t suit me at all.

How long had he run? His legs went beyond aching, and his knees suddenly buckled. Gawon stopped in his tracks, gasping for breath as if he were dying. The muscles in his thighs went slack, and his body staggered on its own. He had run like a madman along the school route that took a good 30 or 40 minutes to walk, so it was no wonder he was exhausted.

Cursing his paper-thin stamina, Gawon trudged onward. The tears had long since dried in the lukewarm spring breeze. He rubbed his hotly swollen eyelids with the back of his hand. He felt like crap.

He turned into a narrow alley. Ahead, he could see doors clustered together like crab shells. Gawon, walking as quietly as a ghost, put a key into a doorknob and turned it. The old door opened with an unusually loud creak.

Before going inside, Gawon turned around without realizing it.

“…Idiot.”

The merciless curse was directed at himself. A self-mocking laugh escaped him. What on earth was he expecting?

Gawon stared blankly at the empty entrance to the alley before immediately going inside and closing the door. Click. The sound of the door being locked was bleak, unsuited for the weather.