Ch 38

Just moments ago, Ji-an had been swept up in a whirlwind of emotions from the overwhelming situation, but now, he knew he needed to act rationally. He had made a promise to himself. More importantly, he had made a promise to Ideun’s grandmother. To keep that promise, he had to regain his composure.

“Ji-an.”

Ideun’s voice, gently calling his name while stroking his hair, made Ji-an momentarily hold his breath. It was as if Ideun had no intention of giving him the time to sort out his thoughts or emotions.

“I want to sleep.”

He desperately hoped his voice wouldn’t tremble or betray him with a hint of tears. When the words came out calm and steady, Ji-an silently thanked himself. With relief, he removed Ideun’s hand still resting on his head.

“Happy New Year.”

As Ji-an stood up, avoiding showing his disheveled face to Ideun, his hand was suddenly caught by him.

“The New Year’s bell hasn’t rung yet.”

“I’m tired.”

“I know. But there’s only about 20 minutes left. Let’s welcome the New Year together, and then you can sleep.”

Ideun’s soft, coaxing voice and his gentle tug on Ji-an’s hand made it hard for him to coldly shake him off. His mind told him he should, but his body and heart wavered, unable to align with his logic.

“How do I stop you from overthinking?” Ideun mused aloud. “Should we have a little nap, like my little one loves so much? You don’t seem to have wild thoughts during those moments.”

With his teasing words, Ideun’s large hand suddenly settled on Ji-an’s hip, giving it a light squeeze. Accompanying the mischievous smile on Ideun’s face was the familiar musky scent that seemed to intensify. Ji-an raised his head to meet his gaze.

He couldn’t keep up with Ideun—this man who had been harsh and dominating just last night, but was now as sweet and tender as a piece of candy.

He didn’t hug me. He didn’t call my name with such warmth or stroke my hair like this before.

Back when they were just rut partners, Ji-an had believed their silent, forceful exchanges were the only dynamic they could have. But since then, he’d experienced something different. He’d come to know how wonderful it felt to touch another person’s skin with bare hands, to exchange kisses full of affection. He had learned what it meant to meet each other’s gaze and match each other’s breath.

Yet, even now, Ji-an couldn’t completely reject Ideun’s touch. No matter how much it hurt, he couldn’t turn away from the warmth of Ideun’s hands.

“I won’t do anything. Not unless you want me to,” Ideun murmured. “So don’t make that face. Let’s just watch the New Year’s bell ring together. Then I’ll let you sleep comfortably.”

Ji-an didn’t know what kind of expression he had on his face, but Ideun’s words—gentle and coaxing as ever—melted through his defenses. Ji-an found himself enveloped in Ideun’s embrace. When Ideun asked if he was cold, Ji-an didn’t resist as Ideun wrapped a warm blanket around him.

How can someone be like this without being completely broken? Ji-an thought to himself.

Since Ideun had confessed his love, Ji-an had been stuck in this state—unable to think clearly, his emotions constantly frayed.

The movie they’d been watching ended, and the TV switched to a live broadcast of bundled-up MCs with rosy cheeks and noses, braving the cold. They exchanged New Year’s greetings, and celebrities performed songs and dances. Ji-an watched the scene play out in a daze, unable to fully register what was happening. His mind felt like it was shrouded in a thick fog.

“Huh?”

Suddenly, the sound of fireworks burst through the air, and a dazzling fireworks display lit up the night sky. Bright, colorful lights pierced the darkness and blossomed into radiant patterns, painting the sky in breathtaking hues.

Even though the fireworks display didn’t last long, by the time it ended, Ji-an had already drifted into a deep sleep.

***

“Bobo, Dad’s heading out for a bit. Can you stay and behave yourself?”

Dressed sharply in a suit, Ji-an cradled the little cat, Bobo, who had been following him around while he prepared to leave. Ji-an had even sprayed on cologne—a rare occurrence—which made Bobo sniff curiously at the unfamiliar scent.

“Dad’s leaving for a while. You’ll be all by yourself,” Ji-an said as he smothered Bobo with kisses. But in return, Bobo landed a light paw swat on Ji-an’s face before leaping down. Ji-an let out a resigned sigh.

Cat fur clung stubbornly to his dark suit. After trying to brush it off with his hands, Ji-an gave up and headed to the living room. There, one of the household staff appeared, armed with a lint roller.

“This place even has stuff like that?” Ji-an muttered, awkwardly smiling as the staff cleaned him up.

“It was chaos this morning with the boss’s coat, too,” the staff member remarked, eliciting a look of mild surprise from Ji-an.

With his suit finally cleaned up, Ji-an slung his backpack over his shoulder. Despite feeling like time had stood still, the holiday break had flown by, and it was now his first day at work.

Ji-an, who had slept in until well past 10 a.m., was now only just ready to leave for his afternoon shift.

As he stepped into the elevator, Ji-an instinctively rubbed the back of his neck, feeling slightly awkward. He had spent almost the entire holiday with Ideun, but nothing particularly significant had happened between them.

He vaguely remembered Ideun saying, “Happy New Year,” but he couldn’t recall if he had returned the sentiment. They had watched fireworks together, and when Ji-an woke up, the sun had been high in the sky. He’d eaten breakfast—or perhaps brunch—prepared by Ideun: a flawless bowl of rice cake soup topped with finely sliced egg garnish and thinly sliced beef. Its presentation had been as impressive as its taste.

They’d spent the rest of the day working quietly, each doing their own thing, before heading out for a meat-heavy dinner at a nearby restaurant. After returning home, they’d once again settled into their respective tasks until sleep overtook them. And now, Ji-an found himself here.

Looking back, it felt oddly mundane. Before Ideun had confessed his love, they’d done things that could easily be misunderstood by others as romantic or intimate. Yet now, after those confessions, their interactions seemed surprisingly plain.

Was it just his imagination?

Ji-an shook off the thought, but the memory of Ideun’s sleepy morning farewell—“Sleep well, I’ll see you at the office this afternoon”—lingered in his mind. He also remembered the feel of Ideun’s hand stroking his hair and face, and the warmth of his lips brushing against his cheek. Ji-an subconsciously touched his cheek at the thought.

Following Ideun’s directions, Ji-an took the subway route directly connected to their apartment building. He arrived at work without facing a single gust of winter wind.

***

“Hello, I’m Seo Ji-an. I’ll be joining the design team as a part-timer starting today. Please take good care of me.”

As instructed in the text message, Ji-an reported to the HR department for identification verification and received his employee badge. Wearing it around his neck, he introduced himself at the entrance of the design team’s workspace with a slight bow.

“Welcome! With two new hires in our team, things might finally get easier for us, don’t you think?”

Ji-an exchanged a polite smile with the woman who stood to greet him, glancing around the room as she spoke. As his eyes met those of his new colleagues, Ji-an offered hesitant smiles in return. However, his gaze faltered slightly, and his eyes quivered as they darted back to hers.

The person sitting on a chair near the entrance met Ji-an’s gaze and waved slightly, a bright smile spreading across his face. Without raising his voice, he mouthed a greeting.

“Hi, Ji-an.”

Haneul greeted him with his usual brightness, and Ji-an noticed the other employees starting to converse with Haneul. The words “college friends” and phrases like “That’ll make things more comfortable for you” passed between them. Having arrived at work hours earlier, Haneul seemed to have already blended seamlessly into the design team.

For Ji-an, the day passed in the blink of an eye. As it was his first day and he was only working part-time, his hours were consumed by simply listening to explanations about the ongoing project and the tasks he’d be responsible for. When the time came for everyone to clock out, Ji-an sat awkwardly beside Haneul, unsure of what to do next.

While Ji-an had mentioned applying and getting hired for the position, Haneul had never once talked about his own job-seeking journey. And yet, here he was, employed at the same company. Ji-an couldn’t wrap his head around it. Haneul wasn’t even from a design-related field, nor had he ever mentioned any particular talent for drawing or interest in design. Was this really possible?

The entire day had been filled with unfamiliar and uncomfortable moments. Beyond a brief exchange of greetings with Haneul, Ji-an had said little else.

“Two new hires on the same day! We can’t work overtime tonight—we need to celebrate. Let’s go out for dinner. It’d be a shame to let this moment pass, wouldn’t it?”

The other employees cheered enthusiastically at the suggestion, but Ji-an’s eyes widened in panic. Dinner gatherings. He used to enjoy them at his previous part-time jobs. On days when he didn’t have another shift, he didn’t mind going out with coworkers, and he wasn’t the type to shy away from socializing.

He believed that as long as he had good camaraderie with the people he worked with, even difficult or tiring tasks could feel manageable. Working together, supporting one another—it made the hours fly by. On the other hand, he knew there was no greater misery than clashing with colleagues, no matter how easy the job itself might be.

So, what would this workplace be for him? Heaven or hell?

Perhaps he was being punished for coveting what wasn’t his. For leaning on Ideun’s warmth and kindness, even for just a moment. Ji-an had prided himself on being moral, ethical, and considerate, but in the end, his own selfishness had entangled everything.

Forget staying until spring.

Even disappearing right now wouldn’t be enough to make things right. He was nothing but a contaminant in Ideun’s otherwise perfect life. If Ji-an hadn’t hesitated, Ideun could have been happily thriving with Haneul. Instead of being tangled up with Ji-an in messy, fleeting moments, Ideun could have been basking in the blessings and joy of a proper relationship.

And Haneul? According to how things were supposed to go, Haneul and Ideun should have been living their happy, sweet life together.

But Ji-an had been captivated by the kindness of a man who owed him nothing. Swayed by the charm and consideration of someone out of his league. Ji-an, who claimed to know his place, had taken the seat of another. It was revolting. Sitting here felt like punishment—a bed of nails that he deserved.

“I knew this would happen, so I got the company card from the boss this morning. Let’s splurge! What should we eat? Anyone have suggestions for a place within walking distance?”

While everyone was buzzing with ideas and discussions about dinner, Ji-an remained frozen in his seat.

“What’s wrong? Can’t make it?”

“Huh? No, no, I’m fine.”

Startled by Haneul’s sudden question, Ji-an quickly shook his head and stood up, following the others to a nearby pub without offering any input.

Ji-an thought he was relatively adaptable. Having worked numerous part-time jobs, he believed he had a knack for blending in and building good relationships with coworkers and bosses alike. Yet here, in the lively atmosphere of the pub, the center of attention was none other than Haneul, smiling brightly amidst the crowd.

“Ji-an, are you always this quiet? Or is it just nerves?”

Caught off guard by the voice beside him, Ji-an turned quickly to see who had spoken.

“Ah, no. I mean, yes, a little bit.”

He managed an awkward smile and a hesitant answer.

“Well, I’m your direct mentor, so you’ll need to get comfortable with me. After seeing your portfolio, I really wanted to work with you. Your use of warm, rounded colors made me curious about what kind of person you’d be, and it fits you perfectly.”

“Thank you for the compliment.”

“It’s not a compliment—it’s your skill.”

The conversation tapered off with Ji-an’s reserved responses, but his mentor soon turned to Haneul and commented, “You’re college friends, right? Ji-an and Haneul have completely opposite personalities.”

At that, Ji-an offered a small smile.

“Haneul’s got a great personality. He’s bright, outgoing, and fits in well everywhere.”

“Is that so? Well, whether we’re a good match or not, we’re stuck together now, so let’s toast to that!”

Ji-an raised his beer glass in response to the mentor’s cheer.

“Wait, wait! You can’t toast without me!”

Haneul appeared suddenly, holding his glass up with a playful grin. He’d just been chatting at another table but now inserted himself into the small toast. The mentor chuckled, and the three clinked glasses together.

After taking a tiny sip, Ji-an set his glass down, but Haneul plopped into the seat across from him.

“What’s wrong? Don’t feel like drinking today? Oh, right—you like mixed drinks, don’t you? I think they have soju here. Want me to make you a soju-beer mix?”

Haneul’s eyes sparkled with excitement as he tried to dote on Ji-an. Ji-an waved his hand lightly, saying he was fine, but his refusal didn’t seem to register with Haneul.

Haneul eagerly took on the task of mixing the drinks, soon setting a beer-soju cocktail in front of Ji-an with a satisfied look. Unable to resist Haneul’s expectant gaze, Ji-an reluctantly picked up the glass and drank nearly half of it in one go.

“It’s really good,” he said, adding the obligatory compliment as he set the glass down.