DEARG Ch 7

There was a terrible, bitter taste in his mouth. In the end, was everything my fault?

Jo Jihyun lowered his head. Unpleasant memories surfaced, making his stomach churn. He could not bring himself to get on the elevator and instead ran to the restroom in the lobby.

He threw up everything in his stomach. He had barely eaten since yesterday, so only bitter liquid came heaving up. He rinsed his mouth at the sink and lifted his head. Pale eyes stared back at him. Even the eyes in the mirror were condemning him. He had chiseled away his loneliness with the word ‘best’. He had suppressed his longing, believing it was unavoidable. But in the end, everything had been his choice.

He was no longer at a fragile age where that choice could ruin the man’s future. And yet, he had been turning a blind eye to the existence of Kang Seokwon from within the solid world his fear had created.

Eleven digits.

Even though he could have called at any time.

“…”

He washed his face over and over with cold water. The dizziness subsided to some extent. He came out to the lobby, but he had no desire to go back home.

He took the phone out of his pocket. It was only for temporary use, so there were only a few numbers saved. After a moment’s hesitation, Jo Jihyun slowly moved his fingers.

“Well, I’ll be. You live long enough and you see everything.”

“What is it.”

“You, calling me first to go for a drink.”

“So, I can’t?”

“No. It’s just surprising.”

Kim Sunwoo continued to speak as he filled the glass with alcohol.

“When I first saw you, I thought you were a mute. The kids and I even made a bet. I won, of course. I bet on you being an autistic kid who could at least talk.”

Jo Jihyun did not answer and simply drained his glass. When there was no reaction, Kim Sunwoo scratched his head.

“Hey, is something bothering you?”

“…”

This time, too, no answer came back.

“Hey, but are you really getting married?”

“No.”

“Then you came all the way to Korea to see that woman?”

“There were circumstances.”

Jo Jihyun said as much and then firmly shut his mouth. Kim Sunwoo knew very well that at times like these, it was pointless to pry, as he would not get an answer. Kim Sunwoo let out a sigh, whoo.

“Good thinking. I was honestly worried when I heard you were getting married.”

“Worried about what.”

“Marrying someone you’ve only met a few times, it doesn’t suit you.”

Jo Jihyun tilted his empty glass. The ice clinked against the glass with a karang sound.

“Then, what does suit me?”

“What?”

“What suits me?”

At his friend’s out-of-the-blue question, Kim Sunwoo’s eyes widened. Jo Jihyun smiled bitterly.

“Are you drunk?”

“I guess so. Must be drunk. Since I’m spouting nonsense.”

Jo Jihyun rubbed his flushed face.

“I should probably get going soon.”

Kim Sunwoo checked his watch and picked up his suit jacket. Jo Jihyun also got up from his seat.

“I’ll pay. I was the one who called you out.”

Jo Jihyun held out his card, but Kim Sunwoo stopped him.

“I don’t have many days left to drink freely like this. Just let me pay. There’s also that day.”

On the day Kim Sunwoo had called his friends over for a pizza party, Jo Jihyun had not eaten anything all day. He had not even been able to take a sip of water, saying his stomach was upset. As his roommate, Kim Sunwoo had a rough idea of what that meant.

“Thanks.”

Jo Jihyun said his thanks.

“Don’t mention it. This is just another excuse to see our Honey’s face.”

Kim Sunwoo playfully reached for Jo Jihyun’s cheek. Jo Jihyun irritably swatted his hand away.

“Sorry. I think I’m on edge because I haven’t been sleeping.”

Kim Sunwoo frowned slightly.

“Jo Jihyun. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Your medication…are you taking it well? Are the counseling sessions going okay?”

“Yeah.”

It was his roommate, Kim Sunwoo, who had recommended psychiatric counseling to Jo Jihyun. After seeing Jo Jihyun wake up several times, drenched in sweat and unable to even scream, he had handed him a phone number, saying it was a doctor he knew.

“Sorry. For calling you out at this hour for nothing.”

“Don’t be sorry. What are friends for. Besides, you’re my first love.”

Jo Jihyun’s expression hardened at the words Kim Sunwoo added playfully.

“Alright, alright. I won’t joke around. Anyway, you little b**t**d. So prickly.”

“I don’t find that kind of joke particularly pleasant.”

“But I’m sure there were a few guys who liked you. You’re kind of, how should I put it. The image of a first love one might have imagined at least once. If you just take away that cool and prickly personality.”

“Go on. Stop with the nonsense.”

Jo Jihyun pointed to a taxi. Kim Sunwoo smiled and waved his hand, saying, “Okay.” The taxi pulled up in front of him.

“Oh, right. About what we were talking about earlier.”

“What.”

“The person you’re marrying. I don’t think it’s a matter of what suits you or not.”

“…”

“If you had only one day left, think about who you would want to spend that day with. If someone other than your family comes to mind, you should be by that person’s side. Even if it’s just for a single day.”

“…Right.”

“Then, let’s see each other one more time if we can before I get married.”

Jo Jihyun nodded silently. The door closed and the taxi drove away.

He started walking.

If only one day remained in his life…

He remembered that summer when they had a similar conversation. His chest grew heavy. What does a feeling that does not flow away turn into when it lingers for a long time?

He returned home, and as he took off his clothes, the effects of the alcohol began to set in. Feeling as if he would be crushed to death by the silence, he turned on the television. War, nukes, a worldwide space show, a brutal parricide. News he had no interest in flowed out one after another over the airwaves.

He sat deep into the sofa and tilted his head back. The ceiling of the high-ceilinged apartment felt particularly desolate. He covered his face with his hands. The things he had barely managed to suppress were peeking out, asserting their presence.

He remembered the small room where the other’s back was within reach if he extended his hand. The bitter scent of mosquito coils that wafted through the room, the whir-whir-whirring sound of the fan motor, the large, generous hand that soothed his nightmares, and the many summer nights he fell asleep cradled in that warmth.

A wave of emotions for things he could never have again washed over him.

At that moment, a sound broke the silence. Jo Jihyun hurriedly lifted his head. It was his cell phone ringing. He checked the screen; it was an unknown number. He bit his lip for a moment, but Jo Jihyun pressed the call button.

“Hello.”

Instead of a voice, an awkward sound of breathing came from the other side of the phone. Jo Jihyun prompted the other person for a response again, saying, “Hello.”

「Is this Jo Jihyun’s cell phone?」

Jo Jihyun’s brow furrowed slightly.

“Yes. It is. Who is this?”

After an ominous silence, the reply comes: It’s me, Choi Giyeol. It felt as if he could hear the sound of blood draining from the hand holding the phone.

「Did I call too late? I heard you’re in Korea.」

“My number,…how did you get it?”

The corners of his lips trembled. Even though he knew the person could not inflict even a speck of harm on him, a physiological fear and revulsion washed over him.

「Your mom got in touch with my mom, so I asked for it. I heard you went to a good university in the States and are doing well. Are you back in Korea for good?」

“I have nothing to say to you. I’m hanging up.”

「Hey, Jo Jihyun! Wait!」

A desperate shout was heard.

「You’re the same now as you were then…anyway, you disrespectful b**t**d. I got married. Last year. I heard you’re getting married too. Let’s meet up sometime and…」

Jo Jihyun pressed the power button on his cell phone. Then he threw it into a corner. He felt a surge of nausea.

She’s a crazy woman. To think this was the method she came up with. When her son would not move according to her will, she warns him like this. To know your place. To know what kind of person you are, who it was that gave birth to you, and what will eventually become of you, to know it clearly. The fierce woman’s voice rings sharply in his ears.

If he could, he wanted to drain all of that woman’s blood flowing in his body. This face that looks just like hers, this unstable mind that is going crazy,…please.

His vision swayed. He felt a chill as if all the blood in his body was freezing. He tried to get up from the sofa, thinking he needed to take his medicine, but collapsed right there.

A sharp ringing echoes in his ears. It is the sound of insects crawling all over his body. He constantly reminds himself that it is all an illusion created by a weak and sick mind, but he cannot shake off the fundamental fear.

“Haa……”

He exhaled. He realized through the tearing pain in his lungs that he had not been breathing for quite some time. The shirt he was wearing was soaked with sweat. Slumped on the floor, he endured the pain that would not end until he died. It was a terribly lonely pain that he could no longer lean on anyone for or confide in anyone about.

A light sound of music cut through his fading consciousness.

“…”

Only after blinking a couple of times did he realize it was the sound of the intercom. With a trembling hand, he barely managed to pick up the receiver.

“Yes.”

「Hello. This is the lobby. Please confirm a delivery.」

Jo Jihyun, who was about to say it was a wrong call, paused, closing his mouth.

“…Please send them up.”

「Understood.」

The intercom cut off.

It takes a long time to get up to the 48th floor. It feels as if he can hear the sound of the elevator lift moving. 1st floor, 2nd floor, 3rd floor, 4th floor,…As the count went up in his head, his heart pounded loudly. It could be someone else. It could have been a wrong call on the intercom. And yet, his sick and selfish loneliness makes him hope.

After some time, the sound of footsteps echoed in the hallway. Footprints are stamped on his heart. Abruptly, they stop. Jo Jihyun held his breath. The doorbell rang. He tried to go to the door, but the dizziness only allowed him to barely get up. Jo Jihyun pressed the intercom talk button and picked up the receiver. He can vaguely see the man’s chest on the screen.

“…”

「…」

Neither of them spoke, but they know who the other is. Just like before. But different from before. Even though he is listening to his breathing, his hands and feet are as cold as ice.

“Sunbae…”

Jo Jihyun was the first to speak.

Jihyun-ah, a gentle call seems to ring in his ears.

「Jo Jihyun.」

The moment he heard that name, Jo Jihyun felt the vast expanse of years that had passed between them.

「Don’t open the door. Just listen.」

“…”

「It took me five years to accept the fact that you abandoned me.」

Even on the intercom screen, Kang Seokwon’s face is not visible.

“Sunbae, I…”

His fingertips flinched. He wanted to open the door and speak. He wanted to make the pathetic excuse that he never meant to abandon him.

「Just listen.」

As if reading his thoughts, Kang Seokwon speaks firmly. He was always like that. He had a knack for saying the right thing at the right moment.

「I wandered everywhere for five years. Because I swore I wouldn’t leave you alone. That I would never, ever leave you alone.」

As if vowing to himself, Kang Seokwon muttered in a low voice.

Those were the words Kang Seokwon would whisper all night while holding him as he woke up trembling from a nightmare. That he would not leave him alone.

「Don’t misunderstand. It’s not that I gave up because I was tired of looking for you. It’s just that I came to accept the fact that the you I was looking for didn’t exist.」

He remembers his cold, hard gaze. The absorption that resided there was something that could not be broken by anything.

Jo Jihyun covered his mouth with his hand. He had thought that after a year, he would let him go. He had wanted him to do what even he himself could not. Cruelly so.

“I’m sorry….I…”

「Don’t apologize.」

It has the same resonance as the voice in his memories.

「It was enough to confirm you weren’t in a psychiatric hospital.」

At the words ‘psychiatric hospital’, his head spun. An ominous feeling that something was wrong enveloped his chest. He had to say something. Jo Jihyun held the receiver and urgently called out to him, “Sunbae, wait a moment.”

Jihyun-ah.

The moment he heard the low, subdued voice, Jo Jihyun’s mind went blank. That was all it was. Kang Seokwon had called his name. A call he had longed for in his mind tens of thousands, no, hundreds of millions of times.

It was the name he had been called countless times, as he swept back his hair, as he patted his back, as he pressed his lips to his cheeks and eyelids.

「Let’s not see each other. From now on.」

“…”

I’ll never leave you alone. From now on.

Cold reality is superimposed on the gentle voice.

「So don’t ever let me see you again. The next time I see you――.」

He can hear him catching his breath. The low, subdued voice makes him feel the underlying danger.

「I think I might kill you.」

A dangerous beast bared its teeth and threatened him.

He could tell that the cruel warning was completely sincere. The sensation of being choked on the day they met at the entrance came back vividly. He could not breathe. He remembers the face of the man who had climbed on top of him in his dreams and choked him. The face from the dream and Kang Seokwon’s face intersect. His head ached as if someone was stabbing his brain with a large needle. Nausea surged, and a sharp ringing echoed in his ears.

「Congratulations on your marriage.」

With those words, the footsteps faded away. He tried to call him back, but no voice came out. He could not walk more than a few steps before stumbling and collapsing to the floor. He bit his lip as his vision grew distant. With an uddeuk sound, the smell of blood filled his mouth. Thinking that he would never see Kang Seokwon again if not now, he grabbed the wall and walked to the entrance.

Sunbae.

A small whisper lingered on his lips. His body’s balance shifted as if the ground beneath his feet was collapsing. With a loud clatter, he fell. The voice of the news anchor overflowing from the television informed him of the things of the real world. He slowly blinked once. The distorted reality remained unchanged.

The large moon outside the window was serenely bright.

Pitch-black darkness consumed his consciousness.

“Are you doing well?”

The hand holding the phone trembled faintly.

「Yeah. Nothing much going on here.」

The word ‘here’ invariably isolated Jo Jihyun.

“I’m doing well, too.”

「Are you eating properly?」

“Yes.”

「I’m sorry. You’re suffering because of your worthless parents.」

“No, you’re not. Please don’t say that.”

Silence came over from the other side of the receiver. Jo Jihyun quickly said, “I’ll hang up now,” and put down the receiver.

About fifteen days had passed since he left home. He had spoken to his father a few times, but each time it ended with them exchanging similar words. He had no thought of returning home. Nor was there any word telling him to come back. The calls were just to confirm that.

He returned to the library and started studying again. He only checked the time after the sky outside had grown dark. Quickly, he packed up his things and stood up. When he went outside, Kang Seokwon was sitting on a bench, waiting for him.

“Sunbae.”

At Jo Jihyun’s call, Kang Seokwon slowly rose.

“I’m sorry for making you wait.”

“I didn’t wait long.”

His shirt was completely soaked in sweat. Jo Jihyun couldn’t lift his head out of guilt. With no phone or watch, he would get so focused that he would lose track of time.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Not from now on either.”

He had heard those words before. He felt as if he had been granted an indulgence for his very existence. A dull ache shot through his chest.

“Is there anything you want to eat?”

“Anything is fine.”

“There’s no such food as ‘anything’.”

At the joke delivered in a blunt voice, Jo Jihyun quietly swallowed a laugh. Suddenly, their eyes met. In the serious face of the man who seemed unshakable by anything, a hint of anxiety could be seen.

Kang Seokwon grabbed Jo Jihyun’s wrist. He was pulled to a secluded spot behind the building. He pressed their lips together. A desperate kiss followed, as if he could not bear it for a single moment longer. Hot breaths passed between their sealed lips.

Kang Seokwon slowly pulled back. He wiped Jo Jihyun’s lips with his finger. Every time his finger brushed against them, his lips tingled. If lips changed color like a face, they would probably be bright red and flushed, Jo Jihyun thought.

“Shall we go.”

“…yes.”

They did not talk much on the way home either. Kang Seokwon did not ask about what to have for dinner. Jo Jihyun did not ask about it either. He knew that Kang Seokwon’s pace quickened the closer they got to home.

As soon as the door closed, Kang Seokwon pulled Jo Jihyun into an embrace. There was no time to even take off his shoes. Holding Jo Jihyun, Kang Seokwon took off his shoes and tossed them into the entryway. He kept kissing him. Their bodies tangled together with panting breaths. A hand with firm knuckles traced over his sweat-soaked skin. He felt a tension that made every cell in his body shiver and shrink.

“A shower…”

Jo Jihyun barely managed to muster the courage to speak. Not only Kang Seokwon but he himself was also drenched in sweat due to the broken air conditioner at the library.

“Want to take a shower?”

Kang Seokwon asks. His voice is calm and subdued, a contrast to what was raging between his legs.

“Yes.”

Kang Seokwon helped Jo Jihyun to his feet. He grabbed his underwear and a towel and went into the bathroom. As he took off his clothes, his body shivered from the cold, dried sweat. He quickly turned on the shower, but only cold water poured out. Only then did he remember that he had not turned on the boiler.

“Sun…”

Before he could even call for Kang Seokwon, the bathroom door opened. Before he could ask why, Kang Seokwon’s tongue parted his lips and entered his mouth.

“Ah…!”

His back hit the bathroom wall. Kang Seokwon thrust his hand into Jo Jihyun’s hair and kissed him deeply. It was an ardent courtship. He revealed his boiling affection with his entire body. Panting for breath, Jo Jihyun accepted his heat. The sound of saliva being swallowed down his throat echoed unusually loudly in the bathroom. Kang Seokwon’s hard body was clearly outlined beneath his w** clothes.

Kang Seokwon spread Jo Jihyun’s legs and rubbed his own arousal against them. A suppressed m**n escaped Jo Jihyun’s lips. At that sound of excitement, Kang Seokwon was driven mad with desire. Unaccustomed to the stimulation, Jo Jihyun quickly came. Watching the s**en mix with the stream of water and flow down, Kang Seokwon bit his teeth. His lips frantically traced Jo Jihyun’s cheek, the nape of his neck, and his shoulders. Jo Jihyun gasped for breath, held in his arms.

Jihyun-ah.

At the low call, Jo Jihyun’s body trembled slightly. A hot tongue caressed Jo Jihyun’s arm. He s**ked on his fingers and l**ked his wrist. As if tasting something sweet, Kang Seokwon took Jo Jihyun’s flesh into his mouth.

“Ah,…Sunbae…ah,…Eut.”

Blood quickly rushed to the delicate, soft skin. A large hand gripped his small b**tocks. Jo Jihyun suddenly straightened his back. His finger roamed between his b**tocks. Jo Jihyun hunched his body forward. His face and the nape of his neck quickly turned red. He remembered looking up how men had relations with each other on a computer in a corner of the library a few days ago. He had been shocked by the explicit photos and had hurriedly closed the screen, but the scene had not left his mind all day.

A thick finger caressed the flesh inside his b**tocks. Jo Jihyun hunched his body even more. He does not know what to do. His mouth went dry with anxiety. The tips of his toes trembled and shivered.

“Are you still scared?”

Kang Seokwon asks. Jo Jihyun lifted his head. The water falling from the showerhead soaked his cool face. Water droplets formed on the bridge of his shadowed nose, falling again and again.

Jo Jihyun murmurs a small, “No.”

“It’s just that you seem to be trembling a lot.”

“……”

It was always like this. Just making eye contact with Kang Seokwon made him feel as if every muscle deep inside his body tensed up and pulled taut all at once.

“When I look at you, Sunbae,…I tremble. It’s not that I’m scared, but I keep…”

Kang Seokwon’s arm pulled Jo Jihyun closer. There was no more conversation after that. Kang Seokwon let out beast-like breaths as he rubbed his desire against Jo Jihyun’s body.

He could tell how much he craved him without a word being said. He needed him, down to a single strand of his hair. He clung to his arms, which were like those of a great tree, and while being shaken uncontrollably, he held him tight.

Their clothes were soaked and crumpled in a mess, and he came between Jo Jihyun’s legs. The cold water beat down on their bodies, but the heat did not subside.

When he let out a small sneeze, the hands hugging him from behind tightened their grip.

“I’m sorry. I should have turned on the hot water.”

A smile broke out at the awkward apology. Kang Seokwon buried his nose in his shoulder and took a deep breath.

“Don’t you have to go work out?”

“Later.”

He knows it is already late. He was regulating his diet. Jo Jihyun turned his body forward.

“You have a match, don’t you.”

Kang Seokwon did not answer and stroked Jo Jihyun’s hair.

“What if you lose because of this.”

“Do I look like I’ll lose?”

He thought for a moment, then shook his head, “No.” Kang Seokwon replied, “Right.” It was not confidence or arrogance. He was simply stating a fact. He could not even imagine a scene where he would lose.

“Isn’t it hard for you?”

Kang Seokwon raises an eyebrow slightly.

“The training.”

“It’s bearable.”

After saying that, he asks, “And you?”

“I don’t work out.”

As he answered, blinking, Kang Seokwon’s eyes narrowed slightly. It was a brief moment, but Jo Jihyun recognized his smile.

“Studying.”

“Ah,…it’s bearable.”

Realizing he had given an odd answer, Jo Jihyun lowered his gaze and mumbled on.

“It’s just a habit, so it’s not hard. It’s not like I know how to do anything else anyway…If I just do it without thinking, my mind feels at ease.”

It was a pathetic and bitter story, but studying was his only escape. At least when he was studying, he gained time where he did not have to get involved with anyone.

“Yeah. It was easy. Finding your name.”

“My name?”

“On the bulletin board. It’s almost always at the top.”

After every exam, the principal would post the school-wide rankings from first to thirtieth place for each grade in the main building’s entryway. Some said it provoked excessive competition, but the principal himself insisted on fostering such an atmosphere.

“You looked for my name?”

Kang Seokwon’s expression momentarily hardened, then he answered, “Yeah.”

“Why?”

He could not quite understand the act of checking the bulletin board after every exam, not to see his face, but simply to see his name.

“The first time, I saw it by chance. I was passing by and heard someone say that ‘Joji’ was first in the school again. After that,”

Kang Seokwon’s gaze retraced his memories. A loose smile hung on his lips.

“I got curious. What rank he would be this time. How hard he must have worked. Just those kinds of trivial things.”

For trivial reasons, trivial things.

Kang Seokwon’s words pile up in Jo Jihyun’s heart.

Feeling an indescribable emotion, he looked at Kang Seokwon’s face. When their eyes met, the smile vanished from Kang Seokwon’s lips. A hand reached out and cradled the back of his head. They savored each other’s lips to their heart’s content, and by the time they came to their senses, it was past midnight.

That day, for the first time, Kang Seokwon could not go to practice.

“―――!”

A silent scream presses down on his mind. He gasped for breath and stared into the darkness. After a long while, a face looking at him came into view. His blurry vision gradually cleared.

“Are you awake?”

It is Kang Seokwon. The moment he confirmed it was him, blood circulated through his numb body. He felt as if he had been pulled out of a thick sludge. Just meeting Kang Seokwon’s cool gaze cleared the air around them.

“Did you have a dream?”

Jo Jihyun nodded, catching his breath. He had been having nightmares quite often lately, which he rarely had before. The vacation would be over next week. He knew that the day he had to return home was not far off.

“It’s okay. It was just a dream.”

Kang Seokwon said, pulling Jo Jihyun into an embrace. He gently patted his back. Like the movement of a metronome, keeping a seemingly indifferent, monotonous beat.

Jo Jihyun let his body go as he was told and closed his eyes. It was a hot summer night. Not even a few minutes had passed before both of them were drenched in sweat. The old fan was not enough to cool the bodies of the two hot-blooded men.

“Hot, isn’t it?”

“…yes.”

Even after answering so, he had no thought of leaving Kang Seokwon’s embrace. Kang Seokwon’s flesh pressed precariously against his waist. But he never touched Jo Jihyun on the days he woke up from a nightmare. Like a mother soothing a child who had woken up from sleep, he only held him in his arms and patted him.

Jo Jihyun let out a small laugh.

“Why?”

Kang Seokwon asked, having felt the sign of laughter.

“It’s just, it feels like that day. The last day of the school trip.”

“…”

Kang Seokwon briefly shows a perplexed expression. He was recalling his own hasty mistake. Jo Jihyun quite liked the man’s expression when he revealed his emotions in this way from time to time.

“Where did you go for your school trip, Sunbae?”

“Gyeongju. What about you?”

“Jeju Island. Though I couldn’t go.”

The hand stroking Jo Jihyun’s hair pauses for a moment.

“Want to go?”

“Pardon?”

“Jeju Island. Shall we go together?”

At the sudden suggestion, Jo Jihyun stared blankly at Kang Seokwon. He had never once thought of such a thing. And yet, the moment he heard those words from Kang Seokwon’s mouth, the desire to go flickered within him.

“It’s alright.”

He quickly reined in that feeling before it could be discovered. The round-trip fare alone was not cheap. Adding food expenses on top of that would be too much of a burden for Kang Seokwon. He was already completely indebted to Kang Seokwon as it was.

“I get my part-time pay this weekend.”

Kang Seokwon went to work every dawn. Originally, he had said it was twice a week, but lately, he had been going almost every day. Jo Jihyun knew very well that it was because of him.

“It’s okay. It’s too far and…”

“Travel is supposed to be to faraway places.”

“Still…”

A large hand covered Jo Jihyun’s forehead.

“Let’s go. The vacation is almost over. You’ve only been studying.”

When he woke up in the morning, he would eat and then Jo Jihyun would go to the library. He would study there until Kang Seokwon came to pick him up. It was a peaceful daily routine. He had never questioned or felt dissatisfied with it.

“It’s really okay.”

Jo Jihyun said with emphasis. Kang Seokwon’s hand moves down. The hand that had been stroking his chin now brushes against his lips.

“Then, I’ll ask you a favor.”

“…”

“Go on a trip with me.”

As he parted his lips to answer, they brushed against the tip of his finger. Jo Jihyun, his eyes lowered slightly, answered.

“Sunbae, you’re not asking for a favor.”

“It is a favor.”

“…”

Kang Seokwon’s lips lightly press against his forehead. I’m asking you a favor, a low whisper followed. Kang Seokwon’s words were delivered with a heavy weight.

“…I will pay you back later.”

“Later?”

A hint of a smile tinges Kang Seokwon’s voice as he asks this.

“Why? Do you think I won’t pay you back?”

“No.”

Kang Seokwon continued, rubbing Jo Jihyun’s stubbornly closed lips with his hand.

“Yeah. Make sure you pay me back. Later.”

The expression on his face as he said, “Later,” was soft for a reason he could not understand. Jo Jihyun replied, “I understand.” Kang Seokwon started patting Jo Jihyun’s back again without a word.

It was a tropical night. On a sweltering summer night with not a wisp of wind, lying in a cramped room, he listlessly pictured the island across the sea.

Rumble-rumble-rumble.

A sound that seemed to tear the sky apart rattled the window. Rain poured down as if someone were dumping water.

Kang Seokwon muttered in an indifferent tone, “It will stop soon.” Jo Jihyun glanced at the travel bag.

“Summer rain falls at dawn and stops quickly.”

“Is that so.”

He tried not to show it, but Jo Jihyun had not been able to sleep until late last night. Even though he had nothing to pack, he had packed and unpacked his bag several times. Kang Seokwon, fiddling with a camera he said he had borrowed from the gym director, looked out the window with a calm expression.

This went on for about thirty minutes.

Far from showing any sign of stopping, the rain had only grown stronger. They had to leave by now to catch the plane. Just then, a notification sound chimed from Kang Seokwon’s cell phone. Kang Seokwon checked his phone screen and went outside.

Do I have to unpack the bag again?

Jo Jihyun sat blankly and listened to the sound of the rain. It was a sweet rain that washed away the heat of the past few days, but it was not the least bit welcome to him right now. Kang Seokwon came back into the house, having finished his call.

“Who was it?”

“The airline. They said today’s flights are canceled. It seems it will only be possible around dawn tomorrow.”

Kang Seokwon had a practice match tomorrow afternoon. He would have to take a morning flight to make it on time.

“Then it won’t work.”

Jo Jihyun replied readily and reached for his bag. Kang Seokwon’s hand grabbed the bag first.

“Let’s go.”

“You said the flight was canceled.”

“Not there.”

“It’s raining so much…It’s okay.”

He was worried that he might catch a cold and it would affect the practice match tomorrow. At Jo Jihyun’s words, Kang Seokwon, who was grabbing an umbrella, turns his head.

“I’m not okay.”

His voice and gaze were so serious that Jo Jihyun was a little surprised.

“But if you don’t feel like it, you don’t have to go.”

“No, it’s not that.”

Jo Jihyun got up from his seat. He put on his shoes. They were shoes that Kang Seokwon had bought for him. As he was about to tie the shoelaces, Kang Seokwon bends down.

“It’s okay, I’ll…”

Kang Seokwon tied his shoelaces without a word. “Thank you,” he said his thanks, whispering in a barely audible voice.

His gentleness seeps in from the tips of his toes and reaches his heart in an instant. It is like a vine that grows in the blink of an eye. He felt as if emotions were spreading wherever Kang Seokwon’s hands touched.

One day, it will grow so lush that he will not be able to move an inch. What will happen to me if I get entangled in the firm stem and cannot escape?

Sensing Jo Jihyun’s blank stare, Kang Seokwon raises an eyebrow slightly.

“Shall we go out.”

Instead of answering, Kang Seokwon grabbed an umbrella.

Besides the two of them, there were only a few passengers on the bus. Kang Seokwon held Jo Jihyun’s hand the entire way. The warmth transmitted through his hand was more distracting than the scenery passing by the window, so he could not sleep a wink.

The bus that departed from the intercity bus terminal ran for about two and a half hours before arriving at its final destination. From there, they took a city bus for another twenty minutes.

The pension owner, with a slightly displeased face, asked, “Just the two of you students?” but after giving them some instructions, he quickly went inside. The pension, a detached building facing the sea, had a certain charm, but due to the pouring rain, the two of them were the only guests.

“Let’s go in.”

Kang Seokwon grabbed the hand of Jo Jihyun, who was looking around with an anxious face. The two-story pension, though small in size, was clean and pretty.

“Change your clothes. You’ll catch a cold.”

Kang Seokwon took out a change of clothes from his bag and held them out. They had only walked for five minutes after getting off the bus, but both of them were soaked, making the umbrella pointless.

Jo Jihyun turned his back. They had done things more intimate than changing clothes with their backs to each other in the same space, but strangely, his hands trembled. He first took off his pants, from which water was dripping. Goosebumps rose on his exposed bare skin.

“Underwear.”

“Pardon?”

Startled, he turned his head without thinking. He saw Kang Seokwon’s bare body after he had taken off his T-shirt. Not knowing where to look, Jo Jihyun quickly lowered his gaze.

“Isn’t your underwear w**?”

“No.”

Kang Seokwon’s gaze lands on his body. Jo Jihyun quickly changed into new clothes. Just taking off the w** clothes made him feel a lot warmer. Kang Seokwon dried the water from Jo Jihyun’s hair with a towel. He always dried his hair in front of the fan whenever Jo Jihyun came out of the shower. He had refused a few times, saying it was okay, but on those occasions, Kang Seokwon would stubbornly not listen.

“It seems to be raining harder, doesn’t it?”

He deliberately changed the subject, conscious of Kang Seokwon’s presence behind him.

“It does.”

“What do we do now?”

He had never been on a trip before. The school picnics were all he had ever experienced. He does not know what to do, or how to spend the time.

“Is there anything you want to do?”

Jo Jihyun said, “Well,” and looked out the window. The rain was pouring down fiercely.

“Shall we go out.”

Jo Jihyun nodded his head. As he opened the door and stepped out, the sound of the rain was frightening. The sea breeze made it even more ferocious.

They stood under the awning and looked at the sea. The color of the seawater, mixed with debris and mud, was impossibly murky. Angry waves writhed and crashed onto the sandy beach.

It was not a beautiful scene at all.

And yet, in spite of that.

Jo Jihyun slowly turned his head. The face of the man staring blankly at the sea comes into view. His fingertips, barely touching, are cold. His heart pounded, pulling at his muscles as if to assert its existence.

This is good.

Jo Jihyun blinked his eyes. He just liked being here with this man. It did not matter where it was, he just liked it.

The moment he recognized that fact, his ears grew hot.

“It’s raining a lot.”

Kang Seokwon’s voice sounded unusually low. It was like the sound of the wind. It coolly reached his heart before he knew it.

Jo Jihyun said, “It is,” and kept his gaze on the sea. The rain, carried by the wind, hit his face. Rainwater trickled down his chin. The effort of changing was in vain as his clothes were already getting w**.

“I’ve never seen it rain so hard like this before.”

“Me neither.”

Silence fell. Even though it was an ordinary silence, he felt strangely tense and swallowed dryly. What should he talk about? Jo Jihyun picked up whatever came to mind.

“They say that in five thousand years, all the glaciers will melt, the sea level will rise by more than sixty meters, and everything will be submerged in water.”

At this rate, it seems like it will not take a few days, he added listlessly. Kang Seokwon narrowed his eyes and smiled.

“Why?”

“This is the first time I’ve seen you talk so much.”

Jo Jihyun felt as if his nervousness had been discovered and lowered his head.

“Then what happens in five thousand years?”

“Pardon?”

“Our country will be submerged too.”

“I suppose so.”

After a brief silence, Kang Seokwon asked.

“What would you do if that happened tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?”

It was as absurd and unproductive a question as, “What would you do if you won the lottery?” Jo Jihyun, who had never thought about such a thing, could only open his mouth after a long time.

“…I’d want to go to Jeju Island.”

“Jeju Island?”

Kang Seokwon asked back, as if it were an unexpected answer.

“Yes.”

The murky sea swelled.

He remembered the island he had pictured on a hot summer night, in a small room.

“What about you, Sunbae?”

To Jo Jihyun’s question, Kang Seokwon answered without hesitation, “Me too.” It was not a precise statement about where he would go and with whom. But he knows what emotion that short phrase pointed to. A wave of emotion washed over him. He felt as if he could not breathe. The heavy, fierce sound of the water confined the two of them from the world.

“It feels like it’s just the two of us.”

Jo Jihyun suddenly spoke.

Even while thinking that he should not, he wished for it. He wished there was no one else. He just wanted to think that way, even if only for now.

“It does.”

Kang Seokwon slowly nodded his head.

The sound of the rain was refreshing.

“Ugh…”

The hand rubbing his back from behind pauses.

“Want to go to the hospital?”

“No. I’m fine.”

He felt better after throwing everything up. He went to the sink and rinsed his mouth. Kang Seokwon watched Jo Jihyun with a worried face. Jo Jihyun wiped the water from around his mouth with a towel. The complexion he checked in the mirror is pale.

“Did you have indigestion?”

“Yes.”

The topic of school had come up while they were having dinner. “School starts next week,” Kang Seokwon had said nonchalantly, and Jo Jihyun had just moved his chopsticks without a word.

When school starts, he goes back home.

The moment he remembered that fact, he felt a dull pain as if his chest were tightly constricted. The pain continued even after he finished his meal, and eventually, not long after, he threw up everything he had eaten.

“Want some water?”

“No. Just,…”

Kang Seokwon took Jo Jihyun’s hand and sat him down on the sofa. Jo Jihyun, who had been taking long breaths, looked at Kang Seokwon and opened his mouth.

“I’m sorry. It’s all because of me. We came on a trip for a change of pace…”

Kang Seokwon sits next to Jo Jihyun. He reached out his hand. As if his body was drawn on its own, Jo Jihyun leaned into his embrace.

The sound of a high wind could be heard. It is the sound of it lashing the sea.

Jo Jihyun gasped for breath and barely endured the pain.

“Jihyun-ah.”

At the gentle call, he slowly moved only his gaze.

“Want to live together?”

It was not a word of comfort of any kind. There was no sparkling promise of letting him live without any hardship.

Offering his unadorned, whole, and complete sincerity, the man waits silently. Leaving his impatience behind.

Jo Jihyun lowered his head. Tears formed and fell in large drops. The hand resting on his knee trembled slightly.

“Sunbae, I…”

It is not easy to catch his breath. Jo Jihyun bit his lip for a long moment before letting go and continuing.

“My mother,…is sick.”

Instead of answering, Kang Seokwon stroked Jo Jihyun’s back.

“She seems fine most of the time, but her mind isn’t right. Since I was young, she’s been, continuously,…I think she’s probably always been like that. And she will be in the future, too.”

Kang Seokwon said softly, “It’s okay.” Jo Jihyun shook his head.

“No, it’s not okay. Not at all. My maternal grandmother said so. That she was worried because Jihyun-ie, you are the spitting image of your mother. I didn’t know what that meant when I was young.”

Fear flickered in Jo Jihyun’s eyes.

“Did you know that mental illness is hereditary?”

The tears that had welled up crumbled and streamed down his cheeks. It was a secret he had never told anyone. But it is a secret he could never hide until the end.

“My maternal grandfather and my maternal uncle both committed suicide. Without any reason, just suddenly. I don’t know. I, too, someday,…I try not to, but……I, too…”

His body trembled. Without any conditions, Kang Seokwon treated him preciously. He cannot cowardly hide himself behind that kindness forever. That was the proper courtesy towards this person.

But, he is afraid.

Afraid that the feeling that started for a trivial reason would end for such a valid reason.

“I’m sorry.”

Jo Jihyun lowered his head and apologized repeatedly. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…….I’m sorry. Sunbae.

The whispered words die down within his trembling lips. He did not dare to even lift his head, fearing the silence.

A large hand touched his cheek. He flinched, and Kang Seokwon held his startled face and made him look at him. A heavy gaze holds his heart.

“Let’s live together.”

“…”

“Always.”

His vision blurred. Jo Jihyun nodded his head. Fearing that he would not understand his intention, he nodded again and again, continuously.

He broke down in tears, held like a child.

The rain fiercely shook the world.

There were only the two of them. On that day, at least, it was wholly just the two of them.

He returned home from the small rented room. His mother greeted her son with a cheerful smile, as if nothing had happened.

School started, and he went to school. He returned to his sick daily life as if nothing was wrong. The month he spent in the small rented room feels as distant as a midsummer night’s dream.

But it was not the same as before. There is a promise. They decided to live together after he graduates from school. Because unnecessary shackles are placed on a minor, Jo Jihyun decided to wait for graduation.

Kang Seokwon, who was waiting at the bus stop, recognized him and gave him a nod of acknowledgement. Jo Jihyun gave a short bow. There was no particular conversation until they reached the school. They said their goodbyes again in front of the stairs.

That was all. A faint warmth spreads in his chest.

He went into the classroom and found his seat. He opened his book and was reading for a while when someone came up from behind and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“Oh! Joji. Studying as soon as the vacation is over?”

It was Choi Giyeol. Jo Jihyun turned his head with a hardened expression.

“What did you do during the vacation? You didn’t even come to the supplementary classes.”

The hand on his shoulder was particularly bothersome. Choi Giyeol’s face came very close.

“What’s this. We haven’t seen each other in a while, and you don’t even say hello? Did your mother scold you a lot? You b**t**d, a man being so petty. I guess Joji is still scared of his mom at this age.”

Jo Jihyun shook off Choi Giyeol’s arm.

“Choi Giyeol.”

When his name was called from Jo Jihyun’s mouth, Choi Giyeol stuttered, “Uh, uh.”

“Don’t talk to me.”

“What?”

“I said, don’t talk to me from now on.”

It was a firm and cold rejection. At first, Choi Giyeol, who could not readily understand the words and just stood there stammering, had a look of shame and anger flash across his face in turn.

“This fucking, b**t**d.”

Choi Giyeol grabbed Jo Jihyun by the collar. Their eyes met. Jo Jihyun’s gaze was frighteningly calm and cold. Choi Giyeol, in his bewilderment at being rejected, threw a punch without thinking. With a loud clatter, Jo Jihyun fell. The homeroom teacher, who came in at just the right time, saw the scene and glared.

“What are you all doing now! You guys, as soon as school starts! Follow me right now!”

Jo Jihyun slowly got up. He wiped his split lip. He felt Choi Giyeol’s helpless gaze, but he did not pay it any mind.

As they entered the faculty office, the homeroom teacher gestured, fuming. They stood side by side with their hands behind their backs and listened to the teacher’s scolding.

“Why are you like this on the first day of school? Huh? Who started it.”

Neither Choi Giyeol nor Jo Jihyun answered.

“These guys, really.”

The homeroom teacher poked both of their heads in turn with the corner of the attendance book. With a slight turn of his head, Jo Jihyun’s eyes finally land on the face of the person looking this way.

“Jo Jihyun. What are you doing.”

“…I’m sorry.”

The homeroom teacher sat crookedly and spouted formalistic words. Choi Giyeol’s mother was the president of the parents’ association. It was clear that no harm would come to him.

Jo Jihyun silently waited for the homeroom teacher’s words to end.

“Aigoo, really. Anyway, behave yourselves. The back-to-school assembly will be broadcast this morning, so go and tell the class president to get ready.”

“Understood.”

Choi Giyeol answered.

“Both of you, get out.”

Jo Jihyun lowered his head and walked out of the faculty office. The gaze on his back was stinging. As soon as he left the faculty office and turned the corner, Choi Giyeol called out to him, “Jo Jihyun.”

“Let’s talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“The reason I said that was, just,…anyway, I’m sorry, but it’s fucking messed up to just, in front of the kids, in that way…”

Just then, a large hand reached out and grabbed Jo Jihyun’s chin. A startled Jo Jihyun’s eyes widened. A solid, large body stood between Choi Giyeol and Jo Jihyun. Kang Seokwon’s gaze sweeps over his split lip. Then he slowly turned his head towards Choi Giyeol.

With a chilling and cruel murderous intent.

Choi Giyeol swallowed and took a step back without realizing it.

“Go to the nurse’s office.”

“I’m fine.”

Even after hearing Jo Jihyun’s answer, Kang Seokwon did not let go of his hand. It was a precarious distance. Close enough for their lips to touch if he leaned in just a little.

He knows the moment when those lips let out a hot breath and call his name. Jo Jihyun turned his flushed face to the side and continued.

“Shouldn’t you be heading in.”

“I can go later.”

Kang Seokwon had won the match he had a while ago. He did not know the details, but it was a fairly well-known match, so he had heard that the school was going to award him for it. There was no way the principal, who loved competition and prestige, would miss this opportunity.

“Then I’ll be going first.”

Only after Jo Jihyun said that did Kang Seokwon let go of his hand. Choi Giyeol just bit his lip at the side.

Kang Seokwon, who was about to turn, suddenly called out, “Jihyun-ah.”

“Yes?”

“See you later.”

There was no mention of when or where to meet, but Jo Jihyun replied, “I understand.” He thought that Kang Seokwon would tell him separately.

Kang Seokwon quickly disappeared down the end of the hallway. Jo Jihyun, who was about to return to the classroom, noticed Choi Giyeol’s presence, glaring at him from the side. A gaze mixed with jealousy, anger, shame, and a sense of defeat flickered darkly.

Jo Jihyun walked down the hallway, passing Choi Giyeol with an expressionless face.

“Then it’ll be hard to see you for a while.”

Hmm, about five days, Kang Seokwon mutters.

“…”

It is not a very long time. It was not uncommon to have training camps before an important match.

“Work hard.”

At Jo Jihyun’s words, Kang Seokwon frowned slightly. At his expression, which seemed to disapprove of something, Jo Jihyun tilted his head.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m worried.”

“About me?”

Jo Jihyun asked back. Lately, relatively peaceful days had continued. His grades remained at the top of the school, and his mother, for some reason, had been nagging less since that day. The only thing on his mind was Choi Giyeol, who would make a terrifying face when their eyes met occasionally, before turning his head away. It was a precarious peace, but for Jo Jihyun, it was a very satisfying string of days.

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

To Jo Jihyun’s words, Kang Seokwon replied, “No, me.”

“You, Sunbae?”

At the unexpected words, Jo Jihyun’s eyes widened. Kang Seokwon was far too strong to worry about himself. After blinking for a moment, Jo Jihyun asked again, “Is it because of the match?”

“I don’t really care about the match. The result will be the same anyway.”

“Then why…”

Kang Seokwon gazed at Jo Jihyun. From his gaze that scanned him as if to memorize his face, Jo Jihyun understood the meaning of the words Kang Seokwon had thrown. Since their relationship had become like that, there had not been a single day when they had not seen each other’s faces. Kang Seokwon always walked Jo Jihyun home and then went to work out. At the man’s gaze already tinged with longing, Jo Jihyun quickly lowered his flushed face. In his line of sight, the man’s wrist came into view.

“Are you hurt?”

He had seen him wearing boxing wraps during practice, but this was the first time he had seen his wrist bandaged up like that.

“No.”

The expression on his face as he answered was a bit strange. It seemed somewhat shy and also a bit awkward.

“Then…”

As Jo Jihyun was about to ask for the reason, someone suddenly pulls him. Jo Jihyun’s face turned pale when he saw who it was.

“Jihyun-ah. Are you just coming now?”

“…What brings you here.”

“What do you mean. I was waiting for my son.”

His mother narrows her eyes and smiles, looking Kang Seokwon up and down. Kang Seokwon bowed his head in greeting, but she did not even pretend to see him.

“He’s a senior from my school.”

“Is that so? A third-year must not have much time to study.”

“Then I’ll be going first. Goodbye, Sunbae.”

It was obvious that in a little while, she would be investigating everything from his grades to his family’s wealth. Jo Jihyun quickly said, “Let’s go in,” to his mother and started walking. The thought that he would only be able to see him in five days after today made his steps home heavy.

“Who was that?”

His mother asks as soon as they get on the elevator.

“A senior from school. I met him just in front.”

“Is that so? He didn’t seem like someone who would be good at studying.”

“I don’t really know.”

Jo Jihyun quickly prayed for the elevator to go up.

“By the way, your national percentile for this exam went up a lot. Your mother is so, so proud of our son.”