DEARG Ch 4

Though he refused adamantly, Kang Seokwon saw Jo Jihyun all the way to the front of his home. Before entering the apartment building, Jo Jihyun stopped in his tracks.

“Thank you, and I apologize for today.”

He bowed his head. It was sincere. Had it not been for Kang Seokwon, he would have been in a difficult situation today. On top of that, Kang Seokwon had even picked up his uniform from the dry cleaner’s and handed it to him. He was indebted to him in many ways.

“I will make sure to repay you for your help.”

He expected a reply like “it’s fine” or “don’t worry about it.” But a subtle silence followed. Jo Jihyun raised his head. Kang Seokwon was gazing at him. To his surprise, he wanted something in return for today’s events.

Jo Jihyun realized he had underestimated—no, overestimated—the man named Kang Seokwon. He had believed that he had helped him purely out of goodwill.

“…, I’ll give you the dry cleaning money tomorrow. As for anything else, if there’s something you want…”

With his hands in his pockets, Kang Seokwon slowly opened his mouth.

The hand that had been solving problems in the workbook paused for a moment. All the steps were finished and a simple calculation was all that was left to get the answer, but his hand would not move.

Jo Jihyun let out a small sigh.

Want to get a meal together?

That was the single phrase Kang Seokwon had uttered after keeping his silence with a straight face. After a moment of thought, Jo Jihyun had asked if that was really all he wanted. Kang Seokwon gave a short nod.

What’s the big deal about getting a meal together one time.

But he did not voice such thoughts out loud.

“Jo-ji! The homeroom teacher is looking for you.”

At the voice calling from the front of the classroom, Jo Jihyun put down his pen and stood up. When he went to the faculty office, his homeroom teacher gestured for him to go to the counseling room. Having lived a life far removed from the counseling room, a look of puzzlement crossed Jo Jihyun’s eyes. However, he silently followed his teacher inside.

“Sit there.”

Jo Jihyun sat on the chair placed in front of his teacher.

“Is your studying going well these days?”

“Yes.”

“Right. Your grades were good this time, too. Well, you’ve always done well, Jihyun, so I’m not worried.”

He wouldn’t have called me here just to say this. Jo Jihyun waited quietly for him to get to the point.

“But Jihyun.”

The teacher cleared his throat a couple of times. Jo Jihyun quietly nodded his head.

“I was told your lunch fees haven’t been paid yet. The tuition for the last quarter, too.”

Jo Jihyun’s face, which rarely showed embarrassment over anything, flushed red with shame. He bowed his head. After taking a moment to catch his breath, he slowly continued speaking.

“I’m sorry. I told her, but it seems she must have forgotten.”

“Alright. Then make sure to tell her when you go home today.”

“Yes.”

“You know we have the school trip next week, right? You haven’t submitted the permission slip yet, so tell her about that, too.”

“I understand. Then I will be on my way. I have to prepare for the next class.”

“Oh, go ahead.”

He bowed his head and stood up from his seat. He closed the faculty office door and came out. The cool air of the hallway brushed against his flushed cheeks. A shiver ran through his body. Jo Jihyun hung his head and started walking. The class bell rang. The children who had been shouting in the hallway all rushed to their places. Jo Jihyun stood there as if nailed to the spot.

After standing like that for a long while, he finally took a deep breath and slowly started walking again.

“What is it that you even do? A month? How long has it been since you started that ‘one month’ nonsense!”

“Do you think I don’t want to give it to you? How many times do I have to tell you that a big deal will be settled in just one month!”

“I’m so sick of it! I’m tired of hearing the same thing every single day!”

The sound of a scream that pleaded, “Just stop it, please!” and his mother’s high-pitched yelling went back and forth. The sound of something shattering followed. Standing in front of the entryway, Jo Jihyun hesitated before carefully closing the door.

“I’m home.”

His mother, who had been screaming with the veins in her neck bulging just a moment ago, instantly relaxed her expression and ran over. Jo Jihyun gave a light nod to his father, who was sitting slumped on the sofa.

“Oh, my son is here. You must be tired, right? Aren’t you hungry?”

“I’m okay.”

After neatly taking off and arranging his sneakers, Jo Jihyun opened the door to his room. His mother, who had followed him into the room, spoke to him in a continuously affectionate tone.

“You know Mrs. Sookhyun, right? She called today and asked if your son’s name was Jihyun. She said you got second place on the mock exam at the academy this time.”

Jo Jihyun set his bag down on his desk. He was tired.

“Yes. I guess so.”

“Why didn’t you tell your mother.”

Even if I don’t tell you, you’ll find out anyway.

Jo Jihyun swallowed those words like bitter medicine.

“Mrs. Sookhyun was praising you so much. She asked if you were getting any special private tutoring, and I thought I was going to die of embarrassment, you know. I told her my son is so good and diligent that he does that well just by attending school and the academy, but she just wouldn’t believe me.”

She would not have been embarrassed. No, she had surely feigned embarrassment while smiling and boasting about her son the whole time. He could easily picture his mother on the phone, barely suppressing her joy.

“But next time, I think I’d be even happier if you got first place? What do you think, my son?”

“I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”

“Don’t be sorry, you did really well. It’s just that it would be nice if you did even better. Right. Jihyun, you must be tired. You should hurry up and wash and go to bed.”

Jo Jihyun bit and unbit his lip. He felt sorry to bring up the subject of money. He already knew that his father’s business was in a bad situation lately and that he had not been able to bring home living expenses for several months.

“Mother, …um,…”

Seeing her hesitant son, his mother, as if remembering something, said “Ah,” and took an envelope out of her pocket. He felt sorry. A corner of his chest ached as he thought of his mother, who must have somehow managed to secure the tuition fee despite their tight finances.

“This is for the special lecture at your academy. I heard a famous math teacher from Gangnam is coming to your academy. Why didn’t you tell your mother. It’s a good thing Mrs. Sookhyun told me, or we would have been in big trouble. You’re a little weak in math, so this is great.”

Jo Jihyun paused for a moment. His mother might not know that the school tuition and lunch fees were overdue. Yes, that could be it.

“Did you happen to receive a call from the school?”

At her son’s question, his mother says, “Oh, that,” and laughs.

“Yes. I did.”

Jo Jihyun slowly closed and opened his eyes. He waited for his mother’s next reaction.

“Your school is so funny. A student like you who studies so well brings honor to the school’s name, yet they charge tuition? Honestly, what do you even learn at school? You’re just reviewing what the academy has already taught you. Isn’t that right?”

When his mother spouted illogical arguments, she tended to talk at length. It was to convince herself. Jo Jihyun stared blankly at his mother.

“I’d rather receive money, but I can’t pay to attend a school like that. It’s a school that’s far below your level. The lunch fees, too. I’ll call the principal directly about that. You’re a student who deserves to attend on a scholarship.”

“Please don’t do that.”

Jo Jihyun shook his head and calmly continued.

“If you think public education is meaningless, I will drop out and study for the GED.”

“What are you talking about. Why would you drop out of school! Do you know how fatal the GED label is in South Korea? You need to have a high school diploma, even if it’s just in name.”

He wanted to ask what was so important about the value of a school that she had said was a waste of money to even pay tuition for.

“Anyway, you just do as your mother tells you. Then you can succeed. We need to have at least one prosecutor or judge in our family. If a man doesn’t succeed, he lives a very miserable life. Do you understand?”

Jo Jihyun was sick of her tone, which was as if to say, look at your father. When his father’s business was booming, his mother had treated him like a king. She would prepare so many side dishes that the table legs would bend, and after the meal, she would serve three kinds of seasonal fruit. But as the business began to decline, the number of side dishes started to decrease little by little, and now she did not even prepare meals at all. It seemed she considered even a single apple a waste to go into her husband’s mouth. All her affection and effort were directed solely at her son. To the son who studied well, who would succeed and restore her status.

Jo Jihyun found his mother’s excessive interest and affection not just burdensome, but suffocating.

“…, What about the school trip?”

Jo Jihyun asked.

“Do you really have to go?”

At his mother’s question, Jo Jihyun found himself replying, “Yes,” without thinking. At her son’s firm answer, his mother thought for a moment and then nodded, saying, “Alright.”

“I’ll try talking to the principal about that, too. Okay? You just don’t worry about it. I’ve already told the academy about the special lecture, so you just need to give them the money. Got it?”

When there was no reply, his mother urged him once more, saying, “Got it?”

“Yes.”

“Good. My son. Then you should study your English listening for a bit. I have something I need to go finish.”

It meant that after plugging her son’s ears with English listening, she was going to go pour out the curses and insults she had not yet directed at her husband. Jo Jihyun turned his head with a blank expression. Then he took earphones out of his bag and put them in his ears. After patting her son’s back a couple of times, his mother left the room.

The high-pitched yelling continued. Jo Jihyun turned the volume up to the maximum. A sound so loud it felt like his ears would rip resounded. Which way do I go to get to the post office! Go out of exit 3, turn left, and then go straight!

It felt as if an American was shouting at the top of his lungs at him. He felt nauseous. His cold palm covered his forehead.

“Is it not to your liking?”

A hint of concern was tinged in the dry voice. Jo Jihyun, who had been lost in thought with his chopsticks in hand, suddenly lifted his head.

“No. It’s fine.”

“We can go somewhere else.”

Kang Seokwon said as he put down his chopsticks. Jo Jihyun shook his head.

“No. It’s delicious. I was just, lost in another thought for a moment.”

It was a sushi restaurant so high-class as to be extravagant for a student to visit. The moment he saw the menu, Jo Jihyun realized how much thought Kang Seokwon had put into today’s meal. Kang Seokwon had such a serious look in his eyes that he could not even suggest going to another restaurant.

“I’m sorry.”

Jo Jihyun apologized first. Whatever the situation, his attitude just now had been rude.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

Kang Seokwon picked up his chopsticks again. He had an indifferent expression that was almost cold, but he was looking at Jo Jihyun from time to time.

“Is something wrong?”

He asked directly without beating around the bush. Jo Jihyun hesitated for a moment, then closed his mouth. There was something wrong, but it was not something he could confide in Kang Seokwon. In the end, he had used the money in the envelope he received from his mother to pay the school fees. He told his mother that he had gone to the principal directly and received an exemption for the school trip fee and tuition. The money for the academy’s special lecture was not enough to cover the school trip fee as well, but for now, he had to say that. Otherwise, his mother would surely have called the principal and presented her incomprehensible logic.

His mother suffered from bipolar disorder. The symptoms—of cheerfully and endlessly spouting nonsensical words and then pouring out fiery anger over very trivial matters—were a perfect fit. He had realized, over a long period of time, that logical persuasion did not work on a mother like that.

“I’m sorry. It’s a family matter.”

“Alright.”

As expected, Kang Seokwon did not ask any more questions.

Jo Jihyun drank some cold water. He had gone ahead and done it, but his head ached from not knowing how to deal with the aftermath. The reaction his mother showed when her son did not move as she wished was truly a masterpiece.

She would scream at the top of her lungs, throw things, and wail while spewing curses. If it ended there, it would be a relief, but she would grab a knife and brandish it, saying they should all die together. She would present the violent reasoning that her son was the only hope she had left, and if even he went astray, she had no reason to live. When the neighbors reported them and the police came, she would act out a quarrel that could happen in any ordinary family. She would lament about how difficult it was because her most beloved son in the world was going through puberty.

I hate it.

Black water rises from the tips of his toes. He cannot breathe. The world distorts.

“…Huh?”

“Pardon?”

Jo Jihyun blinked.

“I asked, is there anything I can help with.”

Kang Seokwon reached for his water glass. It was a hand with distinct, firm knuckles. As if mesmerized, Jo Jihyun stared at his hand and then abruptly, blurted out.

“Could I stay over for a few days?”

“…?”

With the water glass to his lips, Kang Seokwon slightly arched an eyebrow. He had an expression as if he had not quite caught what Jo Jihyun had said.

“Could I stay at your place for a few days, sunbae-nim?”

Kang Seokwon let out a small cough. He turned his head, his hand covering his chin. He was not blushing or wide-eyed. But from that single small cough, Jo Jihyun knew that Kang Seokwon was extremely flustered.

“My place?”

Kang Seokwon asked, his lips slightly pursed.

“Yes. It’s fine if you refuse.”

Jo Jihyun straightened his back and replied. Kang Seokwon tensed his jaw. A faint hint of bewilderment crept into his seemingly solid face.

The sliding door opened and a waiter came in. “Here is your tuna dish,” he said, placing a black plate on the table and leaving.

“When.”

“From next Monday to Thursday.”

“Alright.”

Kang Seokwon moved his chopsticks again. Jo Jihyun looked at Kang Seokwon for a moment.

“Why.”

“I was wondering if it’s really okay for me to stay at your place. You can still refuse now.”

It was something he had blurted out without thinking when asked if there was anything he could help with. If he had asked why or what was wrong, he had planned to just mumble something and pass it off as a silly joke. But what Kang Seokwon had asked was, when.

With his chopsticks, Kang Seokwon picked up the red sushi placed in the center of the plate. His chopstick handling was clean and precise. He placed the sushi on Jo Jihyun’s front plate.

“The one I’m worried about,”

He trailed off, his gaze fixed on Jo Jihyun. His breath stopped. He could not move a muscle. He felt like a butterfly pinned to a collection box, its wings pierced. The nerves on the skin where his gaze touched tingled and shivered.

“is not me, but you.”

Kang Seokwon muttered as if to himself. A jolting pain shot through his lower abdomen. An incomprehensible, urgent need to urinate arose. He felt like a small child who had w** the bed and woken up.

Jo Jihyun stood up from his seat.

“I’ll be right back.”

The man’s gaze was on his back. His back felt scorching hot, as if on fire. Jo Jihyun closed the door without looking back.

“Be careful of cars, be careful of people, and make sure you sleep with the blanket on. And if you get bored while you’re out and about, it would be good to do some English listening from time to time.”

“Yes. I understand.”

Jo Jihyun stood in the entryway and nodded at his mother’s instructions, which she had been repeating for thirty minutes straight.

“You’ll be late. Hurry up and go.”

When his father, who could not watch any longer, chimed in, his mother’s expression soured.

“I’ll get going. I’m really going to be late. I’ll be back.”

“Okay. If you happen to miss the bus, you can just come back.”

His mother said, as if worried. Jo Jihyun could easily guess the reason she had held him back, repeating the same words over and over.

“Then I’ll be off.”

He was about to leave with a quick bow when his father followed him out.

“Jihyun. You still need some pocket money for the school trip.”

He holds out a crumpled ten-thousand-won bill. Jo Jihyun shook his head.

“It’s okay. I have some allowance left from last time.”

“No, no. Go and buy something tasty with your friends.”

He had no choice but to accept it, but he did not feel at ease.

“Then have a good trip. If you had a phone, you could at least call often.”

“It can’t be helped.”

As soon as he became a high school student, his cell phone was taken away under the plausible pretext that it would interfere with his studies. He still thinks it was the best thing he ever did.

“I’ll be back.”

The elevator door opened. He said goodbye to his father and quickly got on. Even as he left the apartment building, Jo Jihyun walked hurriedly, carrying his bag.

He checked his watch. He was not getting on the school trip bus, but it was true that he was late for the promised time. He walked at almost a run until he passed the corner and reached the main road.

He could see Kang Seokwon waiting at the bus stop. At the densely populated stop, only the area around him was empty. He was a man with such an overwhelming presence that seeing him in a school uniform felt awkward.

“I’m sorry I’m late.”

Jo Jihyun approached and bowed his head. Kang Seokwon stood up, saying, “Let’s go.” He could not go to school with a travel bag, so they had arranged for him to leave his luggage at his place.

“I think we’ll be late if we go now.”

Having been there only once, he could not accurately gauge the distance.

“Probably, by about ten minutes.”

After hearing Kang Seokwon’s reply, Jo Jihyun stopped walking. Kang Seokwon tilted his head slightly.

“I’m sorry. It’s because of me. …In many ways.”

In fact, he had been debating it until this morning. He could not understand himself, what on earth he was thinking to make such a request.

Kang Seokwon took the bag Jo Jihyun was holding.

“It’s the same for both of us.”

At Kang Seokwon’s words, Jo Jihyun’s eyes shot up.

“It’s not ten minutes, it’s thirty. For being late.”

“…”

“Wanna run?”

Kang Seokwon asked.

The bell rang in the empty classroom. Jo Jihyun packed his bag. Among the second-year students, a total of three, including himself, were not going on the school trip for one reason or another. Two of them had already disappeared early on. The first-year art teacher had told them that after class ended, they could just go home on their own today.

When he left the classroom, he had nowhere to go. Although he had received a key from Kang Seokwon in the morning, he had no intention of entering an empty house without its owner. He went to the nearby city library. He was studying for a while when an announcement came on that the reading room would close at 6 o’clock on Mondays. Having no choice, he packed his things and stood up.

Should I go into a coffee shop? He checked the money in his pocket. His entire fortune was twenty-three thousand won. He could not afford to spend five thousand won on coffee. Jo Jihyun walked to Kang Seokwon’s house. He sat down on a bench in the playground near the house and took out a book. It seemed Kang Seokwon was not home yet, as the lights were off. The children who had been making noise nearby disappeared one by one. He traced the words, reading them under the dim streetlight. A dark shadow was cast over the book page. At first, he thought it was because his eyes were tired and rubbed them a few times. But the shadow did not disappear.

“…?”

He lifted his head. Kang Seokwon was standing there.

“What are you doing here.”

“Ah,…”

Jo Jihyun closed the book he was reading.

“You haven’t been inside this whole time?”

A hint of displeasure was evident in Kang Seokwon’s voice as he asked. Jo Jihyun hesitantly lowered his gaze.

Kang Seokwon picked up Jo Jihyun’s bag. Jo Jihyun tried to take it, but it was already slung firmly over his shoulder.

“Are you done with your workout?”

“Yeah.”

“What time do you usually finish?”

“Nine.”

Jo Jihyun checked his wristwatch. “Sometimes I do personal workouts, too,” Kang Seokwon added. He realized that he had intentionally spent time outside for his sake. And also, the reason why Kang Seokwon had looked displeased when he found him sitting on the playground bench.

“Want to go in first?”

Kang Seokwon asks in front of the house. Jo Jihyun looked up at Kang Seokwon with a puzzled face.

“I have to shower, too.”

“…, It’s fine.”

He had not thought about it, but now that he heard it, he was conscious of it. Kang Seokwon handed the bag he was carrying on his shoulder back to Jo Jihyun.

“I’ll stop by the convenience store on the way. We’re out of bottled water.”

“If you’re doing that because of me, it’s fine.”

“It’s not.”

Kang Seokwon went back down the way he had come up. In the blink of an eye, he had disappeared down below. Deciding it would be better to go and finish showering even a little bit sooner, Jo Jihyun went up the stairs. He fumbled in the dark space and turned on the light. He put his bag down, grabbed a change of clothes, and went into the bathroom. He took off his clothes. It was a strange feeling. It was the first time he had undressed in someone else’s—and not a particularly close someone at that—house. He turned the shower tap. Cold water poured out. Startled, he moved away from the showerhead and checked the lever’s position. Even after some time, the water showed no sign of getting hot. Jo Jihyun bit his lip. He could not keep the homeowner waiting outside forever. He washed his hair in the ice-cold water. It felt like his head would shatter. He finished showering as quickly as possible and dried himself with a towel. As soon as he changed his clothes and came out, Kang Seokwon rushed inside.

“The hot water…”

Kang Seokwon asked, panting lightly. It seemed he had run all the way here with that thought in mind. It is not like he would die from showering with cold water. Feeling apologetic, Jo Jihyun replied in a casual tone, “It’s okay, I just washed up.”

“You just have to press this. I should have told you beforehand, I didn’t think of it.”

Jo Jihyun confirmed the switch’s location with his eyes and nodded.

Kang Seokwon put the bottled water in the refrigerator. Inside the fridge, there were already two unopened bottles of water. Jo Jihyun pretended not to see and turned his head, drying his hair with a towel. He felt a gaze on his back.

“Aren’t you going to wash up?”

Once the question was out of his mouth, it felt awkward.

“I washed up at the gym.”

Kang Seokwon replied as he sat down.

He confirmed anew the fact that the man was being considerate of him in many ways. A chill crept over his body. As he rubbed his goosebump-covered arm with his palm, Kang Seokwon stood up and got him a thin sheet.

“Cover yourself with this.”

Before he could refuse, he was wrapped snugly in the sheet. “Thank you,” Jo Jihyun said obediently. It was not yet the weather to be showering with cold water.

Silence flowed. If there were a television, he would have turned it on and pretended to watch, but Kang Seokwon’s room was as stark as his personality.

“Did you have dinner?”

“Earlier…”

He was about to say he had eaten something simple when his stomach growled. Jo Jihyun pulled the sheet he was covered in up to hide his face.

“Wait a minute.”

Kang Seokwon went to the kitchen. He was about to say it was fine, but his stomach growled again, louder than before. Jo Jihyun tightened his grip on the sheet.

Kang Seokwon, who he thought might be making some ramen, started trimming vegetables.

“What are you planning to make?”

“Dinner.”

“Do you know how to cook?”

“Roughly.”

Judging by his skill, it was not rough at all. Jo Jihyun sat quietly and watched the back of Kang Seokwon as he chopped on the cutting board. He felt like he had glimpsed an unfitting side of the man. His chest felt ticklish.

Kang Seokwon served a decent-looking omurice. He had even drawn a smiley face on top of the yellow egg omelet with ketchup.

Jo Jihyun looked at the smiley face and briefly debated whether to smile or not.

“The seasoning should be right.”

Kang Seokwon said in an indifferent tone. “I will eat well,” Jo Jihyun muttered quietly and accepted the spoon. He took a bite from the corner, careful not to ruin the smiley face. It was surprisingly delicious.

Their eyes met. He was waiting for a verdict. The man who had crushed the heads of thugs in the alley with a blank face was now waiting for his words, suppressing his tension.

“It’s delicious.”

The tense air surrounding Kang Seokwon loosened.

“That’s a relief.”

He says, as if tossing the words out. Suddenly, his chest felt heavy. When Jo Jihyun rubbed his chest with his palm, Kang Seokwon poured him some water and handed it to him.

“Eat slowly.”

“Okay.”

Jo Jihyun moved his spoon slowly. Except for the guilt he felt when he finally broke apart the ketchup smiley face at the end, it was a satisfying meal.

Come straight here after school today.

At the school gate, Kang Seokwon had said that and gone into his classroom. After finishing his classes, Jo Jihyun returned straight to Kang Seokwon’s house. Today, he was able to shower properly. Around evening, Kang Seokwon arrived.

Jo Jihyun, who had stood up reflexively, saw what was in Kang Seokwon’s hands and his eyes widened.

“Did you, go grocery shopping?”

“Yeah.”

A green onion was peeking out from between the black plastic bags, asserting its presence. He did not know how to react to the terribly mismatched combination.

“I’m going to make kimchi jjigae.”

“Ah. That’s fine.”

The reason he had asked the night before if there were any foods he did not like or could not eat must have been for this. He asked if there was anything he could do to help. Kang Seokwon shook his head, and Jo Jihyun had nothing to do but sit quietly and wait.

He puts rice in the rice cooker, chops vegetables into small pieces, and adds them to the bubbling stew. Watching his systematic movements strangely put his mind at ease. Kang Seokwon quickly set the table.

Kimchi jjigae, rolled egg omelet, and even stir-fried mushrooms. It was a perfect meal.

Jo Jihyun felt sorry, facing the table. The only thing he had done was neatly set out the spoon and chopsticks.

“Why.”

When Jo Jihyun just held his spoon and said nothing, Kang Seokwon asked.

“No. …I just feel sorry. For some reason.”

He knows why Kang Seokwon is showing him such kindness. It is just that neither of them is saying it out loud. He felt like he was taking advantage of that.

Kang Seokwon gestured with his head as if he had heard something strange.

“It’s fine. Eat.”

“I will eat well.”

Jo Jihyun moved his spoon. The stew, the rolled egg omelet, and the mushroom dish were nothing special, but they were also flawless.

Kang Seokwon watches Jo Jihyun quietly. He is waiting.

“It’s delicious.”

Only after hearing that answer did he pick up his chopsticks. There was no conversation, but it was not as awkward as before.

It was a comfortable meal.

“Are you really okay?”

He asked the same question today as he had yesterday. “I’m fine.” A reply that seemed to have been pressed from a mold came back.

“I’ll sleep there.”

It was a house for one person, so naturally there was only one set of bedding. Kang Seokwon had given that to Jo Jihyun and was lying down himself, covered only by a thin blanket.

“Good night.”

Kang Seokwon replied, turning his back.

Jo Jihyun felt sorry. There was nothing he could do for him. He could not even ask to sleep up here together. He was not insensitive enough to say such a thing casually.

He slowly lay down. He pulled the sheet close to his face. It seemed to have been washed, as a faint scent of fabric softener seeped from it. He closed his eyes. He could hear the breathing of the man lying a short distance away. It is the breathing of a beast. One that could bite his throat at any moment. Jo Jihyun quietly opened his eyes and checked on Kang Seokwon’s back.

He could reach him if he extended his hand. But the man maintained his distance, never attempting to close that gap. He trusted that distance and used the man’s kindness.

Jo Jihyun closed his eyes again. Hoping to fall asleep faster than yesterday.

A black shadow fell over his head. He thought he should open his eyes, but he could not move a muscle. A hand approached. His throat was being choked. Gack, gack, the sound of him gasping for air came from his mouth, but the other person did not loosen his grip. On the contrary, the more he struggled, the stronger the grip became. It’s because of you. The other person said. He wanted to reply, asking what that meant, but all he could do was move his lips. You have to die. You have to die. Because of you, I can’t die either. So you have to die first. Malice and murderous intent were transmitted through the grip on his neck. He barely managed to open his eyes. A jet-black shadow flickered in his vision. You have to die, you have to die first, so that I can die too. You first, so you first…

His eyes meet his mother’s.

He realizes that even in his dreams, he cannot escape reality.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die, anyone, anyone is fine, please…

“Jo Jihyun.”

He opened his eyes at the voice calling him. His surroundings were quiet. Only a beast-like breathing echoed in his ears. It took a long while for him to realize that he was the one making that breathing sound.

“Are you okay?”

It is a worried voice. Jo Jihyun, trying to sit up to say he was okay, staggered, feeling the floor sway.

Again.

A deathly fear arose. He felt suffocated, like a person caught in a tidal wave. Icy terror rushed into his nose and mouth. He gasped and coughed for air, then the strength drained from his limbs and he collapsed onto the floor.

“Jo Jihyun. …Jo Jihyun!”

He could not answer the voice calling him. He was afraid. He was scared to death. He wanted to run away anywhere, but the fact that he had nowhere to go was terrifyingly frightening. He had to confirm in his dream that the one choking him was not a nightmare, but reality.

“Jihyun!”

A firm arm supported his body.

In that moment, it felt as if someone had pulled him ashore. Jo Jihyun slowly opened his eyes. He blinked several times, his eyes stinging from sweat.

He saw Kang Seokwon.

Frowning as if he were very angry.

“Sunbae…”

“Should we go to the hospital?”

At Kang Seokwon’s question, Jo Jihyun shook his head.

“Can you breathe?”

He nodded his head.

“I’ll get you some water.”

Kang Seokwon, who was about to stand up after saying that, looked down at Jo Jihyun with a puzzled expression. Only then did Jo Jihyun realize he was clutching Kang Seokwon’s clothes. Kang Seokwon sat back down without a word.

Clutching his clothes, Jo Jihyun gasped for breath. It was a panic attack. He tried to think of good things as he had read in a book, but it was not as easy as it seemed.

Just then, Kang Seokwon reached out his arm and pulled Jo Jihyun’s shoulder.

“…!”

Jo Jihyun’s body flinched slightly.

“It’s okay.”

He said, patting Jo Jihyun’s back.

It’s okay.

They were words he had never heard from anyone. His vision stung.

“It’s okay.”

Kang Seokwon’s voice seeps into his ear. Jo Jihyun nodded. Kang Seokwon soothed Jo Jihyun as patiently and persistently as one would a child.

Gradually, the raging sense of fear subsided. The man’s embrace, which he had thought would be as hard and cold as stone, was peaceful. He breathed inside it. The smell of sweat and fabric softener mingled and reached the tip of his nose.

In the darkness, he could faintly see his short hair and the nape of his neck. A firm jawline and the bridge of his nose, and his eyes.

His eyes met Kang Seokwon’s.

Strangely, it was not as awkward or scary as before. On the contrary, it felt as natural as breathing.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“…Yes.”

The hand patting his back is still there. A regular rhythm, like a heartbeat, rose through his back.

“It’s okay. It’s just a dream.”

Dreams don’t harm reality. It was something he had repeated to himself countless times. He often had nightmares of his mother choking him in his sleep. At first, he thought it was a dream, but his mother’s expression and voice in the dream, and the raw pain, told him it was not a dream but reality. It was a faded but not yet vanished memory of his younger days. Every time he had a nightmare and repeatedly fainted, Jo Jihyun had no choice but to admit, in his drenched sheets, that the dream was eating away at him.

“…Do you think so.”

At Jo Jihyun’s question, which was like a mutter to himself, Kang Seokwon’s hand pauses and then moves again.

“Yeah.”

Kang Seokwon gave a short, plain reply. Jo Jihyun let out a small laugh. If he had heard some cliché words adorned with flowery language, he probably would have just let them pass. It was a very Kang Seokwon-like answer. But because he said it so simply, it really felt like it would be okay. His crazed mother, and himself, who felt he would one day go mad from inheriting her blood.

The dam in his heart burst. As he lowered his head, tears fell. He could not hide his bewilderment at the tears that flowed without even a moment to well up. Kang Seokwon wiped away his tears. Their eyes met. While he was hesitating, not knowing what kind of expression to make, Kang Seokwon wordlessly pulled him into a tight embrace. For the first time, he was comforted by human warmth, by the small rhythm of a hand patting his back.

They stayed like that for a long while. The dark room was filled with low breathing. Jo Jihyun suddenly lifted his head at the foreign sensation he felt near his thigh. Kang Seokwon had his eyes closed, his face as expressionless as stone. Is he sleeping.

“Why.”

Kang Seokwon asked with his eyes still closed. “No,” Jo Jihyun replied, turning his head again. Below, Kang Seokwon’s training pants were bulging so tautly they were lifted. Yet he was indifferent, as if it were not his own body. It was an awkward situation to seriously pull his body back.

Just then, he felt the subtle heat tinging Kang Seokwon’s breath.

There’s no way he doesn’t know. He’s just pretending not to.

Jo Jihyun closed his eyes. He thought that if he could not respond to that emotion, he should at least not acknowledge it. Yet his chest felt increasingly stuffy.

“Don’t worry and sleep. If it happens again, I’ll wake you.”

Kang Seokwon pats his back again. He felt nauseous for a different reason than before. Undigested emotions just kept piling up.

Jo Jihyun suddenly turned his gaze to the window. The other kids had disappeared with their bags before the end of third period, so today too, he was left guarding the empty classroom alone.

The sports field was noisy with shouting, probably from another grade’s PE class. It was a strange feeling. He sometimes imagined everyone in this classroom disappearing and only him being left alone. It felt like that unrealistic fantasy had come true. Jo Jihyun quietly savored the stillness of the empty classroom.

A soft breeze drifted in. His eyelids slowly relaxed. He had not slept well last night.

There are still problems left to solve.

Jo Jihyun thought, propping his chin on his hand. He realized he was lying on his desk because of someone’s gaze looking down at him.

The gaze moved along the line of his face. It lingered on his lips. He thought he should open his eyes, but he could not move, as if he were paralyzed by sleep. Something touched his lips and then pulled away.

“――!”

He opened his eyes and looked around. There was no one in the empty classroom.

It was a dream.

As he ran a hand through his hair, breathing hard, a drink can on his desk caught his eye. The water droplets on the can’s surface, unable to bear the weight of their perfect spherical shape, fell straight down. It had been placed there not long ago.

Jo Jihyun shot up. He ran out into the hallway, but there was not even a shadow, let alone a person. He returned to his seat. His sleepiness had completely vanished, but the problems did not register in his eyes.

“…”

He picked up the drink can on his desk. He looked it over this way and that, the can with its cool-colored typography, and then put it in his bag.

Even while solving math problems, his hand went up to his lips several times.

Did he touch them? The rough texture of the hangnail felt foreign against his hand. His face flushed for no reason. He rubbed his lips with the back of his hand. The heat did not subside.

In the end, he spent about an hour scribbling on a single problem that day before leaving the classroom. He came to Kang Seokwon’s studio apartment and took a shower. Around the time he was drying his hair, Kang Seokwon returned from grocery shopping.

“You’re not going to the gym?”

“Taking a break until today.”

Is that okay? Unasked questions piled up. Jo Jihyun pressed the button on the fan. When the clattering motor sound was silenced, a lukewarm silence took its place.

“Can I help?”

Without looking back, Kang Seokwon shook his head. His enormous back, which felt like a barrier, blocked the sink.

“I want to help, too.”

He felt shameless for just being fed all the time. Kang Seokwon turned his head. After thinking for a moment, he opened his mouth.

“Do you know how to trim bean sprouts?”

“Why?”

Kang Seokwon, who had felt the gaze, asked. “No,” Jo Jihyun says, lowering his eyes.

Ttok, ttok, ttok.

Only the sound of bean sprout tails falling continued.

“Were you always good at cooking?”

“No. I just got good at it.”

Even to Jo Jihyun, who was indifferent to others, rumors about Kang Seokwon reached his ears from time to time. Mixed with unrealistic witness accounts, stories that were almost urban legends surrounded the name Kang Seokwon.

This would be the real urban legend.

Jo Jihyun thought as he watched Kang Seokwon skillfully trimming the bean sprouts.

“That’s the head.”

“…, I’m sorry.”

Lost in another thought, he had snapped the head off the bean sprout.

“I haven’t done this kind of thing before.”

The added words sounded like an excuse, and he regretted saying them.

The corners of Kang Seokwon’s mouth relaxed loosely. It was a change too subtle to be called a smile, but he could tell that he was in a good mood. His lips caught his eye. A heat he could not explain wrapped around his body.

“All done.”

Kang Seokwon stood up, holding the bowl with the bean sprouts. Then he started to cook the bean sprout soup.

“Is there anything else I can help with?”

“Just rest.”

Having no other choice, Jo Jihyun returned to his spot and wiped the table.

Kang Seokwon quickly served bean sprout soup, stir-fried fish cakes, and seasoned spinach. As he sat down, he pushed the side dish bowls toward Jo Jihyun. Every time the man, who seemed so solid that no emotion could seep in, showed a gentle kindness, Jo Jihyun felt an indescribable emotion.

His throat tickled as if something were caught in it. After he coughed a couple of times, Kang Seokwon poured a glass of water and handed it to him. He took the water and drank. The cold water flowed down his esophagus and into his body. But the feeling of heat that had been present since earlier did not subside. Jo Jihyun suddenly realized that Kang Seokwon was looking at him with a puzzled expression.

“What is it?”

“Your lips.”

“Pardon?”

“You’ve been touching them since earlier. I was wondering if they hurt.”

Only then did Jo Jihyun realize he had been fiddling with his lower lip.

“Did you bump into something?”

Kang Seokwon’s gaze lingered on his lips.

“No. They just, seem a little itchy.”

“Should I get you some medicine?”

“It’s okay. It’s not that bad.”

Jo Jihyun hesitated for a moment, then opened his mouth and said, “The drink.”

“What drink?”

“The one you gave me earlier, sunbae-nim.”

Kang Seokwon still had a look of incomprehension. Jo Jihyun took the drink can out of his bag.

“Didn’t you give this to me?”

“Me?”

The expression on his face as he asked back was not faked. Jo Jihyun slightly furrowed his brow.

Then who was it.

“Someone left it?”

At Kang Seokwon’s question, he nodded his head slightly.

“When?”

“Earlier. …While I was asleep for a bit.”

He had naturally assumed it was Kang Seokwon. The second-years were on the school trip, and he did not know anyone among the first-years.

Then who on earth was it.

Jo Jihyun unknowingly wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

Like a lie, the heat disappeared. He did not feel good. He silently resumed his meal. After clearing the table, Jo Jihyun rolled up his sleeves as if he had been waiting.

“I’ll do the dishes.”

“Why?”

It was an unexpected response.

“…, I feel like I’m only receiving things.”

So he confessed his honest feelings. After thinking for a moment, Kang Seokwon said, “Then,” and wiggled his fingers.

“Give me that instead?”

“What? The drink?”

Kang Seokwon gives a light nod. Thinking it might be his favorite drink, Jo Jihyun handed over the can without hesitation. Kang Seokwon pulled the tab on the can without hesitation. He thought he would drink it right away, but he poured the drink straight into the sink.

“…”

The bewildered Jo Jihyun stared with wide eyes, but Kang Seokwon, with an indifferent expression, poured out all of the drink. Only after crushing the completely empty can with a crunch and throwing it in the trash did he begin to do the dishes.

He felt like he had glimpsed another side of him. Suddenly, the thought of what that bronze sculpture-like face would look like if it were filled with emotion crossed his mind.

Jo Jihyun shook his head and took out a book, continuing to solve the unfinished problems.

An hour or so had passed since he had lain down, but he could not seem to fall asleep. After tossing and turning a few times, a voice from the other side asked, “Why.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“People usually can’t sleep on the last night of a school trip.”

Jo Jihyun swallowed a laugh inwardly. He was not wrong.

From tomorrow, it’s back to daily life again.

When he turned his head, he could see Kang Seokwon’s broad back as he lay facing the wall. In that moment, for some reason, a sudden desire surged.

“When did you first see me?”

It was a childish curiosity.

“See what.”

“Me.”

He was not a celebrity like Kang Seokwon. He was just puzzled that Kang Seokwon knew him.

“That was…”

Kang Seokwon closed his mouth.

There was no way either of them did not know the intention of the question. The sound of breathing continued quietly. Jo Jihyun’s mouth felt parched. He desperately craved the cold bottled water in the refrigerator.

“I heard the name ‘Jo-ji’.”

Kang Seokwon turned his body this way. His face was clear, without a trace of sleepiness. As if he were spending the last night of a school trip.

“Ah, that.”

Jo Jihyun awkwardly chimed in. He remembered hearing a similar story before.

“At first, I didn’t think much of it. I thought maybe a foreigner was attending the school.”

Kang Seokwon rested his head on his arm and continued.

“But then I heard someone calling from the hallway. ‘Jo-ji’.”

“Did I answer?”

“No.”

That figures. If his memory was not mistaken, he had never once responded to that call.

“I turned to look.”

As if recalling that moment, Kang Seokwon’s gaze traced the darkness. A hint of a smile touched his slightly relaxed lips.

“He was an Asian. Very.”

“…, Is that all?”

It was not a huge deal, but he had secretly hoped there might be some kind of special incident.

“That’s all.”

It was a situation that was neither special nor had any context.

“What does that mean. ‘Very Asian’.”

It was so absurd that a laugh burst out. Jo Jihyun rested his head on the pillow and laughed quietly.

“For such a trivial reason…”

He could not finish his sentence. Kang Seokwon was looking at him.

His gaze slowly l**ked the silhouette that was faintly revealed in the darkness.

Kang Seokwon sat up.

This was the last chance. If he wanted to run away, he had to get up now. Knowing this, Jo Jihyun lay still, not moving, and looked at Kang Seokwon. A large hand cupped his face. He parted his lips, feeling like he had to say something. A finger touched his lips. The forgotten heat rose in his body. The hand that was touching his lips traced the line of his teeth. As if handling a sacred being, the finger explored the inside of his mouth, carefully and slowly. Not knowing what to do, his lips moved, and he ended up lightly taking the finger into his mouth. Kang Seokwon let out a low groan, his eyes narrowing slightly. His eyes grew turbid with desire. Dangerous.

Kang Seokwon’s firm body pressed down on Jo Jihyun. Their lips rubbed together. At the unfamiliar sensation he was feeling for the first time, Jo Jihyun gasped in surprise. At the same time, a tongue entered deep inside. It was the first time he had felt a foreign object in the intimate space that could not be entered unless opened. The lump of flesh, as if it had a will of its own, l**ked the inside of his mouth. A shiver ran through his body. Before his mind could decide whether to accept this situation, his body reacted first.

Kang Seokwon’s hand supported the back of Jo Jihyun’s head. His palm was hot. The tongue violating his mouth was also hot, and even the knee pressing on his thigh was hot. Saliva flowed down his throat. The heat spread through his body.

“Ah…”

A faint m**n escaped through his parted lips. The firm man’s expression, which seemed as if it would not be shaken by anything, crumbled at the small m**n.

The large body lunged like a beast. He grabbed Jo Jihyun’s thighs, pulled them apart, and pushed his g**in into the gap that opened. Through the thin clothes, the man’s desire was laid bare. Flesh met flesh. Only then did Jo Jihyun become aware of his own arousal. His head grew cold.

By the time he came to his senses, he had already pushed Kang Seokwon’s body away. Surprisingly enough, Kang Seokwon was easily pushed away.

“I…”

Kang Seokwon got up from his spot. Jo Jihyun bit his lip. He could have run away. He had had plenty of chances to refuse. There was no need to refuse in this cowardly way.

“I’m sorry.”

“No. I’m the one…”

“I’m going to go cool my head.”

Kang Seokwon said as he put on his clothes. Chewing on his own cowardice, Jo Jihyun lowered his head.

“Jo Jihyun.”

Kang Seokwon, who was putting on his shoes, suddenly called him.

“Yes?”

His heart fluttered. There was no way he did not know that he had been aroused too. Kang Seokwon’s face as he had collapsed onto him flashed in his mind. His lower abdomen ached with a dull throb. He was scared.

Kang Seokwon looked directly at Jo Jihyun. His gaze, which openly revealed his desire, was always honest to the point of being monotonous.

“That’s right. It was for such a trivial reason.”

“…”

“Sleep well.”

The front door closed.

Kang Seokwon did not come back that day.

“Jo-ji. What did you do while we were on the school trip? You were bored as h**l, right?”

Choi Giyeol said as he sat down in front of Jo Jihyun. Jo Jihyun looked at the remaining rice on his lunch tray and let out a small sigh. He would not be able to eat dinner, so he had to make sure to finish his lunch without leaving any.

“What did you do? At school?”

“I studied.”

“You only studied?”

He probably was not asking because he knew something, but the moment he heard the question, Jo Jihyun’s stomach churned.

“What else is there to do.”

“You’re no fun at all.”

Even as he said that, Choi Giyeol had a pleasant look on his face.

“Hey, wanna see something interesting?”

Before he could even answer, Choi Giyeol takes his phone out of his pocket. He held out a picture of a female student with the hem of her uniform slightly undone and grinned.

“How about it?”

“About what.”

Jo Jihyun replied, his gaze fixed elsewhere.

“Isn’t it killer? They’re girls I met on the school trip this time, and they sent pictures like this first. Isn’t that fucking absurd?”

“I guess so.”

“There’s more, wanna see?”

Choi Giyeol’s shallow trick was obvious. He was revealing his superiority by acting as if this kind of thing were nothing.

“No. I don’t need to see.”

Jo Jihyun refused firmly.

“Why? The really amazing pictures haven’t even come out yet.”

Choi Giyeol looks triumphant as he shows a picture of a woman with her chest nearly exposed. Jo Jihyun did not even glance at it and drank his water. The smile disappears from Choi Giyeol’s face.

“You son of a b**ch, you’re…”

Jo Jihyun lifted his head. When their eyes met, Choi Giyeol’s face turns bright red as if he were caught committing a crime. Then, as if taking out his frustration, he kicks the table. One of the chopsticks on the tray fell. A look of bewilderment crossed Choi Giyeol’s face. But he would never say anything like “sorry.”

Jo Jihyun located the chopstick that had fallen some distance away and bent down. Before he could reach out his hand, a person passing by picked up the chopstick for him first.

“Thank…”

Before he could finish the word, the chopstick is placed on the table. Jo Jihyun stared blankly at the back of the man walking away.

“Why? Who is it?”

Choi Giyeol turned around to look and then swallowed a curse, “S**t.” Then he quickly signals to Jo Jihyun with his eyes.

“Pretend you didn’t see.”

“…”

Jo Jihyun silently turned his head. There was no need.

Ever since that day, Kang Seokwon had not even acknowledged Jo Jihyun. Even when they passed in the hallway, he would walk by without a single glance.

Is he angry? If so, I should apologize. No, at the very least, I should thank him for letting me stay for a few days. In fact, I still have not even returned the key.

“Hey, Jo-ji! Are you listening to me?”

Choi Giyeol shouted, waving his hand in front of Jo Jihyun’s face.

“What were you saying.”

“What are you doing this weekend? The girls want to meet up, how about it?”

“Do whatever you want.”

“Really?”

Choi Giyeol’s eyes flashed. Jo Jihyun looked at the back of Kang Seokwon, who had taken a seat far away.

“Are you really coming? What’s this. You get turned on seeing pictures like that too?”

“Why would I go there.”

Jo Jihyun replied with his eyes half-closed.

“What? Just now…”

“I meant, do whatever you want, whether you go or not.”

Choi Giyeol’s face crumpled like a piece of paper.

“Are you perhaps impotent?”

Choi Giyeol had a remarkable talent for expressing his anger aggressively. When Jo Jihyun stared at him silently, Choi Giyeol continued, pouting.

“I mean, seeing as you don’t even flinch when you see pictures of women. I’m asking if you have no interest in that kind of thing at all.”

Jo Jihyun quietly put down his spoon. He was not one to eat much to begin with, but his appetite had completely vanished. As Jo Jihyun stood up from his seat, Choi Giyeol, thoroughly provoked, shouted.

“F**k off, are you ignoring me? You b**t**d.”

“…”

“S**t, are you perhaps into men?”

Several students sitting nearby glance this way. Jo Jihyun unknowingly looked at Kang Seokwon’s back. At this distance, there was no way he had not heard. He felt sick.

“Say something.”

Choi Giyeol grabbed Jo Jihyun’s arm.

“Do I look like that?”

Jo Jihyun asked with a calm face. Choi Giyeol cannot answer and mumbles before muttering in an annoyed voice.

“If you’re not, you’re not. S**t.”

Jo Jihyun picked up his tray and left his seat. Kang Seokwon did not look this way until the very end. He felt nauseous. Cold sweat poured down as he walked up the stairs. His ears were ringing and his vision swayed. The events of that day replaced his nightmares every night. It was a mistake he had made without realizing, swept up in the atmosphere. He had to believe that.

When he closed his eyes, Kang Seokwon’s cool and firm face came to mind. An incomprehensible heat seeps into his blood. He felt like he was going to throw up.

He leaned against the hallway window and gasped for breath. After he had been like that for a while, someone approached and tapped his shoulder. Startled, he turned his head.

“It was Jo Jihyun, right.”

Jo Jihyun searched his memory for a moment. It was the first-year art teacher who had come into the classroom a few times during the school trip to deliver announcements. He was a person with a faint impression. The content of those announcements had also been things that did not matter whether one heard them or not. “Yes,” Jo Jihyun replied shortly.

“I don’t think you’ve given me the confirmation form yet.”

“What confirmation form?”