DEARG Ch 15

The body, having found a place to lean on, acted like a spoiled child as its temperature rose. Once the fever started, it would not go down easily. The man carefully, carefully wiped Jo Jihyun’s body. His touch was so tender and cautious, as if he were handling a jewel that would shatter if held in his hand. Even through his hazy consciousness, Jo Jihyun could clearly tell how much the man cherished him. His throat was swollen and sore. He coughed up blood whenever he coughed. With every exhale, his throat felt like it was burning, yet his body was so cold it felt like it was freezing to his very fingertips. He was so confused he did not know which pain to complain about. It hurts. He curled his body up. Every time his body brushed against the sheets, it felt like a blade was slicing into his skin. The pain, which had surpassed its limit, shredded his mind to tatters. A firm hand supports the back of his head. Something cold touches his lips, but most of it trickles down his face.

Open your mouth.

His mind registered what the voice meant, but his body would not obey. In the end, fingers forcibly pried his mouth open and poured water in. The sudden influx of cold water made his bronchial tubes spasm. He spat out the water he had barely managed to get down, every last drop. This time, the water was poured in more carefully. It was not even easy to swallow water because of his throat, swollen from inflammation. But the water, trickling in persistently little by little, moistened his throat. Only after repeating this several times did the man’s hand withdraw. His breathing had become a little lighter, but the fever was still so intense that even opening his eyes was a struggle. So much so that he wished his consciousness would just fade away. The man wipes away the water that has trickled from the corner of his mouth down to his neck. Then a large hand touches his cheek. It gently cups his cheek. Why did that simple gesture cause the heart he had held together so firmly to crumble to pieces. He burst into tears like a small child. The thick-knuckled hand carefully caresses his cheek.

It was a memory he had recalled many times on sleepless nights.

Sunbae.

He calls out the name of the only warmth he had ever possessed.

Sunbae. Sunbae. ……Sunbae.

No sound comes out. All he did was move his parched, withered lips a few times.

It hurts so much.

He shows the man his incomplete self, something he could never tell anyone else. The fingers cupping his cheek gently soothe his pain. Kang Seokwon whispers, It’s okay, as if to a child. It’s okay, you’ll get better. Kang Seokwon’s voice had the power to calm his anxiety. He welcomed his mind being hazy from the fever and pain. Because he could lean on him to his heart’s content, without being able to think about what was to come. Clutching the hem of Kang Seokwon’s clothes, Jo Jihyun fell asleep.

Kang Seokwon barely slept, staying up all night to watch over Jo Jihyun. He would lie down next to him for a moment, but if Jo Jihyun made any sign of discomfort or let out a cough, he would sit up and check on him. Whenever Jo Jihyun’s consciousness returned, Kang Seokwon would have him drink some water. He wiped down his feverish body and massaged his limbs, which were stiff with pain. Even in the haze of his fading consciousness, whenever Jo Jihyun opened his eyes and looked at him, Kang Seokwon would smile, as if that was enough for him. Only after confirming that Jo Jihyun’s breathing had become regular and shallow did he lie down on his side on the bare floor and close his eyes.

At dawn, with a thump, Kang Seokwon opened his eyes. Jo Jihyun had fallen onto the floor. Startled, Kang Seokwon immediately sat up.

“What’s wrong.”

Kang Seokwon helped Jo Jihyun up.

“If you feel like you’re going to throw up, you can do it on the floor. Don’t force yourself to move.”

Jo Jihyun shook his head at Kang Seokwon’s words. Then, in a small voice, he answered, The bathroom.

No matter how much he had sweated, there was the amount of water he had been drinking. It was a natural reaction. It also meant that his body was beginning to maintain its temperature normally. Kang Seokwon supported Jo Jihyun and took him to the bathroom. When Kang Seokwon tried to pull down his pants, Jo Jihyun startled and twisted his body away.

“I—I will do it.”

As Jo Jihyun tried to push him away, one of his knees buckled and he ended up collapsing on the spot. Both his hands were wrapped in bandages, and he could not even stand properly. Kang Seokwon helps Jo Jihyun stand upright.

“Stay still.”

Kang Seokwon fumbled with Jo Jihyun’s pants and slipped his hand inside his underwear. Flinch. Wrapping his arms around Jo Jihyun’s stiffening waist from behind, Kang Seokwon says.

“I won’t look.”

“I’ll do it, so……”

An urgent need to urinate tightened his lower body. Jo Jihyun tried to push Kang Seokwon away, enduring the sharp sensation that penetrated sensitively to the tips of his toes.

“It’s okay.”

The hand gripping his p**is moves slightly up and down as if to hurry him. In the end, Jo Jihyun could not hold it in any longer and released the tension that had been clenching his lower body. After neatly taking care of everything, Kang Seokwon laid Jo Jihyun down in the room, then went to wash his hands and returned.

Lying facing the wall, Jo Jihyun had covered his entire body with the sheet.

“You’ll get a fever.”

Kang Seokwon pulled the sheet down. Jo Jihyun immediately pulled it back up over his head.

“We barely got it down.”

At Kang Seokwon’s firm words, Jo Jihyun lowered the sheet just a tiny bit. A red flush had spread across the nape of his neck. Kang Seokwon lay down on his side some distance away and watched Jo Jihyun.

After a period of silence, Jo Jihyun spoke first.

“……How did you know to come.”

Unless he was crazy, he was certain he had no memory of calling him. He had not even managed to bring a single coin with him. Yet Kang Seokwon had appeared in that spot as if by appointment. It was something he could not understand.

“I didn’t know you’d be there when I went.”

Kang Seokwon continues speaking calmly.

“After that, I heard you weren’t coming to school, and you weren’t at the convenience store either. I thought if it was because of me, I had to apologize. So I just went near your house and waited. Thinking you might come out.”

Around and around, in the end, it comes back to the same place.

Kang Seokwon begins with difficulty, That time, that thing.

“You don’t have to apologize.”

Jo Jihyun gripped the sheet slightly.

“We can just think of it as a mutual accident.”

“Don’t make assumptions about my thoughts too.”

Kang Seokwon’s firm voice sets his heart straight. Heat gathers in his eyes as he blinks them open. What should I do. The more time passes, the more he just comes to like him.

He suddenly felt depressed.

He had not made any sign, yet Kang Seokwon asks, Why. He had all his senses directed toward Jo Jihyun, more alert than a wild animal.

“……This might sound strange, but do you believe in things like, fate.”

That day, from the day he lost consciousness and woke up, everything began anew. He thought it was a blank white canvas. So he believed he could rewrite everything. But as time passed, Jo Jihyun could not erase the thought that he was ultimately just treading the same path as before. No matter how much he struggled, could he never escape fate?

“Yes.”

A short and simple answer came back. It was just like Kang Seokwon. Jo Jihyun turned his body to the other side.

“How can you be so sure……”

Kang Seokwon is lying with his arm propping up his head, looking at him. Since when had he been looking at him with those eyes?

“I believe. In fate.”

He calmly reveals his heart. He always got straight to the point, directly. He did not embellish it with fancy decorations, nor did he beat around the bush.

“You?”

Kang Seokwon asked back. Jo Jihyun replied, I don’t know. Kang Seokwon’s gaze follows Jo Jihyun’s expression. Reading a subtle reluctance, Kang Seokwon continues.

“It doesn’t matter if it’s fate or not.”

“……”

“I’m sure it will be okay.”

At his relaxed voice, the string of Jo Jihyun’s tension snaps. He felt like his fever was rising again slightly. As Jo Jihyun lowered his eyes and brushed his cheek with the back of his hand, Kang Seokwon reaches out his hand. The large hand checks his forehead and then pulls away.

“Sleep. We can’t have your fever coming back.”

At the man’s voice, he was able to close his eyes with a slightly lighter heart.

He opened his eyes. Lying next to him, Kang Seokwon asks, Did you sleep well. It was not a complete recovery. His muscles ached as if he had been beaten to a pulp by someone. Even so, the moment he heard his morning greeting, his mood improved considerably.

Kang Seokwon places a hand on his forehead to check his temperature and then makes a satisfied expression. Then, he slowly gets up. His tall frame rose little by little, like a large, curled-up beast stretching.

“Can you eat something?”

Jo Jihyun thought for a moment, then nodded. Kang Seokwon says, Alright, and goes to stand in front of the kitchen sink. He skillfully washes rice and puts a kettle on. Seeing that familiar sight after a long time made his chest feel ticklish. Kang Seokwon brought rice porridge he had cooked. Jo Jihyun sat up halfway, leaning against the wall. The man, who had brought a small table with a bowl of porridge and a single spoon, sat across from Jo Jihyun. Kang Seokwon put a moderate amount of porridge on the spoon, blew on it lightly with a foo, and held it out. Jo Jihyun looked back and forth between the spoon and Kang Seokwon with slightly flustered eyes.

“I’ll eat it myself.”

“You hurt your hands.”

Both his hands had been cut by the knife the woman had wielded. The wounds were not deep, but they were wrapped in bandages, making it a bit difficult to move.

“I can do it.”

Instead of answering, Kang Seokwon pressed the spoon to Jo Jihyun’s lips. His posture suggested he could stay like this all day if he had to. Having no choice, Jo Jihyun opened his mouth and accepted the porridge he was offered. The grains, entering his system for the first time in a while, felt sweetly delicious.

“Is it edible?”

Kang Seokwon asks. Jo Jihyun replied, It’s delicious. The corners of his mouth relaxed loosely. In the end, Jo Jihyun finished the entire bowl of porridge, just as he was fed. He felt that Kang Seokwon was treating him like a child. Suddenly, he remembered what happened at dawn and his face flushed. Kang Seokwon raises his eyebrows as if asking for the reason.

“I’m sorry for being a bother.”

“I’m doing it because I want to.”

I’ll help you.

Kang Seokwon had said that, adding a condition.

Even if you never see me again. Please.

His chest throbbed as he recalled the feelings with which he was being cared for. As if he had read his thoughts, Kang Seokwon adds, Don’t worry about it.

He cleared the table and brought a large cup. A savory smell rose with the warm steam. It was barley tea.

“Drink.”

“Thank you.”

Jo Jihyun drank the barley tea in small sips. Kang Seokwon watched him the entire time from the side. After he finished all the water, his stomach was full.

“You’ll get indigestion if you lie down right away.”

Kang Seokwon says as he brings a cushion and props it behind Jo Jihyun’s back.

“Don’t you have to go to your workout.”

“You have to rest sometimes.”

He is as bad at lying now as he was in the past.

“It’s a good thing vacation starts next week.”

Jo Jihyun nodded at Kang Seokwon’s words. Kang Seokwon, who had brought Jo Jihyun home, washed him, wiped off the blood, disinfected his wounds, and wrapped them in bandages, did not ask any further who had done it. He had run out of the house barefoot, still in his home clothes. Unless one was an idiot, it was easy to guess who the perpetrator of the violence was. It was also the reason why he had not taken Jo Jihyun directly to the hospital. All actions of a minor were followed by the constraint of parents.

“Stay here during the vacation. I’ll stay at the gym.”

Jo Jihyun’s eyes widen at Kang Seokwon’s words.

“I’ll be the one to leave.”

“No. Don’t do that.”

Kang Seokwon firmly cuts off Jo Jihyun’s words.

“You agreed to do as I say.”

“……”

When Jo Jihyun does not answer, Kang Seokwon lowers his head to meet his gaze.

“Don’t worry. I’ll be here during the day and just go over to the gym at night. You don’t have to feel burdened.”

It was not that he felt burdened. He was just ashamed of himself for receiving an affection that was, once again, more than he deserved.

“At night, I can go to the convenience store and sleep there.”

Jo Jihyun lifts his head and continues speaking as he looks at Kang Seokwon.

“I did that last time, too. It’s fine.”

Last time, it had been possible because the manager happened to be away for regional training. No, there was not even a guarantee that they would rehire a part-timer who had been absent without a word for several days. But Jo Jihyun did not bother to voice that fact.

Kang Seokwon lets out a sigh.

“Are you always this stubborn?”

“……”

“I’d give in on anything else, but this isn’t something to be stubborn about. Do as I say.”

Kang Seokwon’s words, I’d give in on anything else, echo in his ears. Because he knows better than anyone how generously he had been treated, each and every one of his words feels sincere.

“Get some rest.”

The moment Kang Seokwon tried to stand up from his spot, Jo Jihyun unknowingly grabbed the hem of his clothes. His face flushes hotly at the childish behavior born of anxiety.

“I can’t stay at the gym right now either. Until you get better.”

Jo Jihyun nodded.

“I’m going to go buy some things we need.”

Saying that, Kang Seokwon, who was about to stand, places his hand on Jo Jihyun’s forehead. After checking his temperature, he murmurs.

“I’ll be back.”

Although he was reluctant to part with the warmth leaving his forehead, Jo Jihyun tried his best not to show it. The front door closed. The space he left already feels lonely.

Leaning his body against the wall, Jo Jihyun began to contemplate the days ahead.

Kang Seokwon made porridge every day, varying the ingredients slightly. When Jo Jihyun’s condition improved, he cooked him rice. They were all easily digestible and plain foods. Even though he had recovered enough to hold a spoon now, Kang Seokwon fed Jo Jihyun with his own hands. Every time he offered a spoonful with a side dish on it, Jo Jihyun felt an unspeakable shame.

“Why.”

Kang Seokwon asks, seeing Jo Jihyun’s expression twist subtly.

“I’m not a child.”

“I know.”

He retorts while scooping rice with the spoon. Jo Jihyun mumbled with a sigh, as if giving up.

“You’ll spoil me.”

Kang Seokwon’s lips pull into a smile. He looked to be in a good mood. I hope you get very spoiled. At his words, muttered as if to himself, Jo Jihyun flushed up to his neck. It was a comment he should not have made, getting nothing in return.

After clearing the dinner table, Kang Seokwon brought out a radio from the storage closet and plugged it in. Although crackling white noise could be heard from the dusted-off radio from time to time, it was not enough to disturb the music that was playing.

In the evening, he took a shower. Because Jo Jihyun insisted that he would do that himself even if it killed him, Kang Seokwon had to back down at just washing his hair. Kang Seokwon nursed Jo Jihyun devotedly, as if all of this was his duty. Drying his w** hair in front of the clattering fan, Jo Jihyun read a book. The books Kang Seokwon had borrowed from the library were piled up high next to the bookshelf. It had been a very long time since he had read for pleasure, not for study. A forgotten joy sprouted anew.

“Is it interesting?”

Kang Seokwon asks. Jo Jihyun nodded. Both of them were not very talkative. The time spent with him was surprisingly peaceful and gentle. Kang Seokwon was considerate of Jo Jihyun without showing the slightest greed. But his eyes were not the same. His gaze, which followed Jo Jihyun’s every move, inadvertently revealed its heat. It was a heart that could not be hidden by anything.

Pretending not to notice that was the hardest part.

“Are you leaving?”

As Kang Seokwon picked up his workout clothes, Jo Jihyun asked, getting up from his spot.

“Yeah. I’ll be back in the morning.”

Once Jo Jihyun was able to move around, Kang Seokwon began spending his nights at the gym from that day on. He wanted to hold onto him and tell him not to, but because he knew the reason Kang Seokwon was going out, Jo Jihyun could not say anything.

“Call me if anything happens.”

Kang Seokwon had gotten a cell phone and given it to Jo Jihyun. The only number saved on that phone was Kang Seokwon’s. Thanks to that, it had been reduced to a one-way communication device, but it did not matter. He had no desire to talk to anyone other than him.

“Take care.”

Jo Jihyun saw him off to the front door. After putting on his shoes, Kang Seokwon turned his body. He knows what he is about to do. Jo Jihyun slowly leans his face forward. A large hand touches his forehead. The fever has long since gone down. But Kang Seokwon always checked Jo Jihyun’s temperature like this himself. This was the only moment when their bodies touched.

“There. All good.”

He smiles loosely. Kang Seokwon withdraws his hand. Jo Jihyun’s gaze follows the direction in which Kang Seokwon drops his hand.

“Don’t open the door for strangers.”

Jo Jihyun gave an ambiguous smile. Sometimes the man would say things one would not even say to a seven-year-old.

“I’m really not a child, you know.”

“I know.”

It would be a big problem if you were. An impassive remark is added. Jo Jihyun wiped his face with his palm. Kang Seokwon says, I’m going, and closes the door.

A chilly silence enveloped the house after he left. Jo Jihyun returned to his spot and opened his book. He closed it without turning more than a few pages. Strangely, the content would not register in his eyes. The song coming from the radio also sounded grating to his ears, as if it had lost its color.

He spread out the bedding, turned off the light, and lay down. The man’s faint scent lingered on the bedding. Jo Jihyun tossed and turned, hugging the sheet. He got up from his spot, brought the cell phone Kang Seokwon had given him, placed it by his head, and lay down again. After doing so, his heart felt a little more at ease.

Even though he knew there was no way his mother would come here, when he was alone, he could not handle the fear that washed over him like death. Panic disorder was, quite literally, a disorder. It was an imbalance of the mind that could not be controlled by one’s own will, like the uneven gait of a person with a disabled leg.

Jo Jihyun let out a sigh and placed his arm over his forehead.

He had called his father from a pay phone and told him he would be staying at a friend’s house for a while. This time too, his father did not ask who the friend was, or when he would be coming back. Since it was the second time he was experiencing this, it no longer felt like a big deal. At crucial moments, his father was on his mother’s side. The only fortunate thing was that now that he knew this fact, he would not make a mistake like the last letter.

No, in the first place, he just has to not go to America. ……Is that even possible?

Jo Jihyun turned his body to the side.

Lately, a slightly different thought has been on his mind. That the meaning of his return here might be completely different from the direction he had initially believed. Perhaps it was a punishment from God, telling him to watch a fate he could not control with his own hands, by experiencing the same thing one more time.

Should I just tell him everything? Kang Seokwon could believe me. But if so, where on earth should I start the story so that he can believe it?

Jo Jihyun recalled the scene he had seen before he lost his memory. The large moon that seemed to be looking at him and the countless stars that streaked across the sky. Suddenly, his vision wavered and his body grew heavy. It felt like an irresistible gravity was pressing down on his body. When he barely opened his eyes, Jo Jihyun felt a sense of incongruity. The floor touching his cheek is cold and hard. He was definitely lying on a pillow, so why……. He blinks. It is darkness. But it is not the darkness he knew. It was not the warm darkness where the streetlight coming through the curtains blurred the boundaries between objects and the background. It was a cold, inorganic, empty darkness. A whirr, whirr, mechanical sound is followed by the sound of a conveyor belt rising.

The moment he realizes where he is lying,

“……!”

Jo Jihyun sat up with a start. His vision goes black. Cold sweat runs down his body and he cannot breathe. He feels as if he has been thrown into a thick bog. He fumbles in the dark with his hands to check his side. A soft, fabric sheet is caught in his hand. But he cannot be sure. He does not know if the things around him are real, if they actually exist, not a single thing. He tried to turn on the light, but he could not even remember the location of the switch. Jo Jihyun fumbled along the wall to stand up, but then he discovered a hard object touching the tip of his foot and reached out his hand. It was the cell phone.

Call me if anything happens.

In reality, he had never once called him. He had desperately held back, as the weight of his heart leaning on Kang Seokwon was already growing heavier and heavier. He thought that if he called once, he would not be able to stop.

What should I do. His head freezes in fear. An anxiety that he might be dragged back into that darkness if he takes even one wrong step chokes his throat. This is not a simple hallucination. The chillingly distinct and concrete sensations were not something a sick mind could conjure up.

When he opened his eyes in the darkness, the last memory of that day continued seamlessly. The whirr, whirr, echoing sound. The cold floor. The pale moon that had looked into his own abyss……. I hate it, I don’t want to go back. No. I do not want to disappear like this, leaving Kang Seokwon behind. The gaze of a boy who has just fallen in love comes to mind. I miss Kang Seokwon. The thought that he might never see him again makes him so afraid he could go mad. Jo Jihyun clutched the cell phone and curled his body up.

“Why have you been coming to the gym at this hour lately.”

The gym director said a word upon seeing Kang Seokwon, who had appeared around the time they were closing the gym.

“I think he’s been sleeping here lately?”

“Why are you sleeping here when you have a home.”

Kang Seokwon did not answer and began to wrap his hands.

“That guy keeps doing things he doesn’t normally do. Hey, what’s gotten into you lately? Don’t tell me you’re dating, are you?”

“Director. Does just anyone get to date? Have you ever seen Kang Seokwon have a conversation longer than two sentences with anyone? You have to be able to have a conversation to date.”

Kang Seokwon finished wrapping his other hand. He does not even bat an eye at the conversation chattering on about him.

“Still, it’s strange. That time he lost because he was lost in thought, and all. Hey, you’re not on d**gs, are you? You should never do something like that.”

The director shouted at Kang Seokwon, his face a mess of wrinkles. Kang Seokwon replied with a curt, Yes, and began to hit the punching bag. At the heavy, booming sound of the impacts, the complexions of the other athletes watching from the side turn pale.

“That guy is a monster.”

It was not a simple matter of physique. For a martial arts athlete, a good physique is usually accompanied by the inevitable disadvantages of a lack of agility and flexibility. But for Kang Seokwon, such disadvantages did not exist in the first place. Not only was his speed on a different level from other athletes in the same weight class, but his strength was also overwhelmingly innate. On top of that, he was a terribly hard worker. No matter how tough the practice he was ordered to do, he would silently follow it. The other athletes did not even dare to feel a sense of inferiority towards Kang Seokwon.

“What on earth did God do to that guy.”

“He gave him everything and deleted his language skills.”

“Didn’t he delete his emotions too?”

One of the guys who had been chuckling about Kang Seokwon suddenly notices something and gestures to Kang Seokwon.

“Kang Seokwon. I think your phone is ringing? In your bag.”

At that one phrase, Kang Seokwon pulled off his glove and threw it on the floor. He took out his cell phone and went outside the gym.

The people in the gym looked at each other’s faces.

“What’s going on?”

Before anyone could guess the answer to that, Kang Seokwon came back inside, grabbed his bag, and ran out.

“Hey! Kang Seokwon!”

The director urgently called out to Kang Seokwon, who was leaving without even having taken off one of his gloves, but he had already disappeared down the stairs.

“Don’t you think something happened? His face was completely pale. I’ve never seen him like that before.”

One of them came up to the director and said.

“Hah, that guy, seriously.”

The director crossed his arms and smacked his lips bitterly. It was a sight he had never seen before, even though he had been training Kang Seokwon for several years.

When Jo Jihyun’s number appeared on his cell phone, the feeling that something was wrong came before the feeling of happiness. Until now, Jo Jihyun had never once called.

……Sunbae, where are you?

Jo Jihyun, who had asked that in a faint voice as if he would stop breathing at any moment, was strangely terrified.

I’ll be right there.

He ran out of the gym just like that. His blood runs dry and his mind goes white. He felt like this when he found Jo Jihyun trembling in a public phone booth, covered in blood. He could not make any rational judgment.

“Jo Jihyun!”

As soon as he entered the front door, Kang Seokwon shouted Jo Jihyun’s name. No answer comes back. Jo Jihyun is nowhere to be seen in the room or the bathroom. He felt like he was going to go crazy. His own shoes, which he had left at the entrance, were still there. He had deliberately not bought shoes for Jo Jihyun. It was a selfishness that hoped he would not go anywhere. He was a child who had been kicked out barefoot. The thought that Jo Jihyun might be wandering the streets barefoot right now made his heart feel like it was being crushed. Kang Seokwon pressed his palm to his forehead. A wave of disgust for his own dirty and petty obsession and selfishness washed over him.

Then, suddenly, his eyes catch the closet door, closed at an odd angle. He threw open the closet door. Jo Jihyun is curled up, trembling uncontrollably. His face, drenched in sweat, is pale. In his hand, he is holding the cell phone he had given him. Kang Seokwon looks down at that tragic and lovely sight with a blank expression. When he reaches out his hand to confirm his safety, Jo Jihyun flinches in surprise and pulls his body back. Jo Jihyun’s eyes are empty. Kang Seokwon bites his lip and holds his breath, his hand outstretched in mid-air. He swallows the urge to embrace him right away. How much time had passed? Jo Jihyun, who had barely come to his senses, moved his lips as if exhaling a breath.

“Sunbae……”

His parched lips twitch. As if he had been waiting, Kang Seokwon lifts Jo Jihyun into his arms. Jo Jihyun clings to Kang Seokwon’s neck. At that faint strength holding him, Kang Seokwon got goosebumps. Swallowing a hot breath, Kang Seokwon buried his head in Jo Jihyun’s hair. He breathes in the scent of a small, frightened animal to his heart’s content. Only then can he breathe. Oxygen circulates in his lungs and his heart beats. Holding the trembling body, Kang Seokwon gasped for breath. He lifts Jo Jihyun and sets him down on the bedding. Then he examines Jo Jihyun. Below his ears, his face, each and every one of his fingernails, he meticulously looks for any injuries.

“I’m not hurt.”

Even after hearing those words, Kang Seokwon continues to examine Jo Jihyun’s body. He checks over and over again like a person with obsessive-compulsive disorder, to see if there is any flaw on his precious, precious, perfect jewel (完璧). Only after checking for a long time until he was satisfied did Kang Seokwon open his mouth.

“That’s a relief.”

That calm and deep emotion instantly floods into Jo Jihyun. Kang Seokwon’s forehead is all w** with sweat. At a single phone call from him, he comes running. It was a relief. To be back here, to be able to see him again, to be able to meet him, everything was a relief.

“It’s okay.”

Jo Jihyun’s body, which was nodding, was still trembling. Kang Seokwon brought a sheet and wrapped it around Jo Jihyun’s body. Without asking what had happened, or why he had been in there, Kang Seokwon embraces Jo Jihyun, sheet and all. He patted Jo Jihyun’s back. At the familiar movement of his hand, Jo Jihyun swallowed his tears.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry.”

Kang Seokwon’s low voice reaches the crown of his head.

“I’m…… sorry.”

“For what.”

“For calling you about something like this.”

It is an anxiety no one can understand. He cannot say that for a moment he lost consciousness, he woke up in the future and then came back here. He is already in an unstable state, and it would only be dismissed as mental illness.

“You did well. From now on, if it’s something like this, call me.”

Kang Seokwon adds, No.

“You can call even if there’s nothing wrong.”

He said, tightening his grip on the hand holding Jo Jihyun. Jo Jihyun nodded. The darkness recedes. Jo Jihyun slowly exhaled his anxiety. The reality he belongs to finally regains its form.

He can hear his heartbeat in his ear. It is a monotonous and regular beat. Jo Jihyun leaned against Kang Seokwon without thinking. Kang Seokwon flinched for a moment but started patting him again. Jo Jihyun suddenly swallowed his breath at the sensation of a hard piece of flesh touching his waist area. His arousal is transmitted in its entirety. Even though he must have clearly noticed Jo Jihyun’s reaction, Kang Seokwon continues to pat Jo Jihyun with an extremely impassive expression. However, once Jo Jihyun became conscious of it, all his senses were focused downwards.

“I’m……, I’m okay now.”

“Okay.”

Kang Seokwon lets go of Jo Jihyun without any hesitation. The front of his pants is raised, as if to prove that he had not been mistaken.

Jo Jihyun turned his head.

“I’m going to take a shower.”

Kang Seokwon said as he stood up from his spot. Jo Jihyun just nodded without answering. Kang Seokwon went into the bathroom. After taking a longer shower than usual, he came out.

That night, Kang Seokwon did not return to the gym. He lay down, using his arm as a pillow, a good distance away from the bedding where Jo Jihyun was lying.

In the faint darkness, he heard Kang Seokwon’s breathing. Then he fell asleep. It was the touch on the nape of his neck that woke him from his consciousness, which had been fading in and out. His eyes opened at the sensation that touched and pulled away so carefully and precariously.

Jihyun-ah.

Even though he did not call out his name, it felt as if he could hear his voice. Kang Seokwon’s lips touch the nape of his neck again and pull away. It was a clumsy and anxious act that could not even be called a kiss, unable to properly press his lips, for fear that Jo Jihyun would wake up. Suddenly, the man’s breath becomes hot. Only then did Jo Jihyun realize what he had been doing. He stopped his movements, letting out a turbid m**n. A beast-like breathing continues, as if it would break off at any moment.

Jo Jihyun squeezed his closed eyes shut. He prayed that Kang Seokwon would not realize he was awake. Fortunately, he silently got up from his spot and headed to the bathroom. He heard the sound of water. Jo Jihyun checked his own lower body. His flesh, revealed through the thin clothes, had already taken shape. He bit his lip gently in bewilderment. Fortunately, by the time Kang Seokwon returned, the heat had subsided.

Kang Seokwon lies down in the distant spot. The man’s gaze on his back was distinct. While he was worrying whether his breathing sounded awkward, or if his body had tensed up, he heard the sound of Kang Seokwon turning over. Jo Jihyun let out a sigh inwardly and relaxed his shoulders. But sleep would not come easily. After staring at the wall like that for a long time, he barely managed to close his eyes at dawn.

The next day, Kang Seokwon woke up early, went for his morning workout, and prepared a meal.

“I’ll eat it myself.”

Jo Jihyun said so as soon as he put down the table. Kang Seokwon thought for a moment, then handed him the spoon. So he knew. It was perhaps a matter of course. Even when he was nursing him, if he so much as tossed and turned slightly, Kang Seokwon would react immediately. All his senses were as keenly sharp as a wild animal’s.

Jo Jihyun took the spoon. They ate without any conversation. He was usually not one to talk much, but it was a bit different now. An awkward silence hung in the air. While chewing the rice, he could not taste what it was.

Moreover,

“……, I’m sorry.”

Since his hands were still bandaged, using chopsticks was impossible, so he kept dropping the side dishes. He tried to pick it up again, but he was strangely tense and fumbled several times.

“I’ll do it for you.”

Kang Seokwon removed the side dish that had fallen on the table and picked up a new one, placing it on Jo Jihyun’s rice.

“……Thank you.”

“Tell me which side dish you want to eat. I’ll put it on for you.”

“No. It’s okay.”

Jo Jihyun said, raising his spoon. But as soon as he answered, the side dish he had placed on his rice fell off again with a plop. Jo Jihyun’s face turned red. Kang Seokwon took back the spoon from Jo Jihyun’s hand.

He brought the spoon to Jo Jihyun’s mouth. Even though he had been fed by him several times, it felt strangely awkward, and Jo Jihyun could not open his mouth properly. He barely managed to take a bite. He still could not tell if what was rolling around in his mouth were grains of rice or grains of sand.

“I’m sorry.”

Startled, Jo Jihyun coughed lightly and asked back, Pardon?

“I think I made you uncomfortable.”

Indeed, there was no way he did not know he was awake. Jo Jihyun replied in a small voice, No, it’s not that.

“You must have felt bad. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t feel bad. I also……”

After speaking up to that point, Jo Jihyun swallowed the rest of his words. The air grew warm. Kang Seokwon did not take his eyes off Jo Jihyun, as if waiting for the rest of the words.

“……Can I listen to the radio.”

Jo Jihyun asked. Instead of answering, Kang Seokwon pressed the power button on the radio. A song with an unknown name flowed out. The sound of rain could be heard from outside the window.

“I guess it’s raining.”

“I guess so.”

Kang Seokwon answered in a calm tone. His hand is visible below the table. He is lightly tapping his thigh. His tension added a sense of heat to his body.

“I’m, planning to go back home tomorrow.”

Kang Seokwon’s eyes widen.

“I’ve been in your debt for a long time.”

He could dare to declare that the summer he had spent in this small studio apartment was the most brilliant time of his life. He learned that every minute and every second of a day could be happy. As the six seasons passed, the daily life leading to the promised life was joyful beyond compare.

That is why he has to go back.

He is certain that the fleeting moment when he woke up after losing his memory yesterday was not a hallucination or a dream. Having already experienced it once, he clearly remembers the feeling of that terrible moment.

“Is it because of me?”

Kang Seokwon asks. Jo Jihyun shakes his head, No.

“I can’t keep imposing on you.”

“If that’s the reason, don’t leave. There’s no need for that.”

Jo Jihyun looks at Kang Seokwon. He does not want to lose him. The same went for their time together. He wanted to return home even less. But for the current Kang Seokwon, he could do anything.

“My parents will be worried.”

Kang Seokwon gripped Jo Jihyun’s wrist.

“Your wound, it hasn’t healed yet either.”

“It wasn’t deep, so it will heal soon.”

“Jo Jihyun.”

It was impossible to lie in front of him. Jo Jihyun forced a smile.

“The bed is also unfamiliar, so it’s uncomfortable.”

Kang Seokwon silently stared at Jo Jihyun. As if he would listen to every single false excuse you can come up with until the very end.

Kang Seokwon’s gaze strips him bare. It strips off all the plausible clothes he has on and makes him a child with nothing. It renders him helpless. So that he can honestly confess his weak and young heart.

Jo Jihyun cast his eyes downwards.

“We can’t stay like this forever.”

It is a remark directed at himself. He cannot use Kang Seokwon’s heart forever, using his weakness as an excuse. Kang Seokwon’s jaw tightens. After a long while, he utters a single word, Okay.

After the song and commercial ended, the news came on the radio. The announcer, with clear pronunciation, delivered the news about a heartless mother who had abused her own child to death. The announcer said she could not help but feel grief-stricken at how someone could commit such a terrible act.

If someone had told me from the beginning that parents can not love their children, it might have been a little easier.

Jo Jihyun smiled bitterly. Kang Seokwon turned off the radio.

“Let’s eat.”

He scoops rice with the spoon and puts a side dish on it. It was his favorite side dish. He had never said so, but he knows, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Things that even his mother, who had lived with him for more than a decade, does not know.

He slowly swallowed the food he was given.

He swallowed a digestive pill and lay down. He was depressed at the thought of having to go back home tomorrow, but fortunately, he was able to fall asleep without throwing up or anything.

How much time had passed?

He heard the sound of Kang Seokwon calling his name softly, Jihyun-ah, and shaking him. Jo Jihyun, still drowsy, barely opened his eyes.

“Can you get up for a moment?”

Jo Jihyun nodded and sat up. Kang Seokwon grabbed an outerwear and handed it to him. Kang Seokwon’s slippers, which he had taken out from the shoe cabinet, were excessively large. It was difficult to walk, but Jo Jihyun silently followed behind him. Contrary to his expectation that they would go outside, he went up the stairs to the upper floor.

“Where are we going?”

“The rooftop.”

Before he could ask why, Kang Seokwon opened the rooftop door.

The moment he opened the door and went outside, Jo Jihyun realized why he had brought him here.

Fog enveloped the surroundings. The fog, holding the light of dawn, had a bluish tinge. Jo Jihyun blinked his eyes and looked down at the spectacular view created by the dawn.

“It’s like the sea, isn’t it.”

Kang Seokwon, standing next to Jo Jihyun, says.

In that moment, the ground he stands on becomes an island, and the surroundings are submerged in the sea.

“I wanted to show you.”

A hint of shyness brushes past the voice that says so. Jo Jihyun could not even dare to blink at the magnificent sight.

A wind carrying moisture brushes his cheek. It smelled of water. The sea of that day comes to mind. The turbid waves mixed with flotsam ceaselessly broke upon the sand.

And he realizes.

Inevitably, I will have no choice but to continue loving this person here as well. No matter how much I try to hide it, this heart cannot be concealed.

……So in the end, it will come to an end.

Jo Jihyun lowered his head.

“What’s wrong. Are you not feeling well?”

Kang Seokwon says, seemingly flustered. Jo Jihyun shook his head.

“You don’t have to go back tomorrow.”

“……I’m going.”

Tears fall in drops without even having a chance to form.

“Don’t cry.”

Kang Seokwon continues.

“I don’t know what to do when you cry.”

He bites his lower lip gently, as if anxious.

“If.”

Jo Jihyun slowly parted his lips.

“If you were given a chance to go back to the past and correct your mistakes, what would you do.”

At Jo Jihyun’s question, Kang Seokwon answers without hesitation.

“I’d want to meet you earlier.”

You.

He easily understands the omitted word. The man considers even not having met earlier as his own mistake.

“Even if the result is the same?”

Jo Jihyun lifted his head.

“Yes.”

“Is there any meaning in that.”

“There is. For me.”

Kang Seokwon adjusts the hem of Jo Jihyun’s clothes. His heart aches at that small gesture.

“If I can see you for even one more day, that’s enough.”