DEARG Ch 14

“Thank you.”

“Does it suit your taste?”

“Yes. It’s fine.”

I remember the day we first ate together. That day, the two of us just ate and parted ways with barely a word exchanged. It was the same the next day, and the day after that.

“How was America?”

At Jo Jihyun’s question, Kang Seokwon hums, “Eum,” choosing his words.

“Just. The same.”

It’s an answer typical of him.

“You.”

He asked. Jo Jihyun asked back, “Me?”

“Why didn’t you call?”

Kang Seokwon asks directly. He didn’t know how to beat around the bush. With short, simple words, he conveyed his true feelings.

“Nothing special happened.”

It was a lie.

After Kang Seokwon left for America, he had nightmares every night. It was a result that proved just how much he had been subconsciously relying on him.

“You can call even if nothing special happened.”

“…….”

“I waited, for your call.”

Jo Jihyun smiled faintly.

“I won’t.”

Kang Seokwon raises his eyebrows slightly. A hint of dissatisfaction appears on his face.

“There will be no calls.”

Jo Jihyun handed the paper from his pocket back to Kang Seokwon. After confirming that it was the paper he had given him, Kang Seokwon closes his eyes and opens them.

“Did you call me out to give me this?”

A hint of anger seeped into his eyes. Jo Jihyun swallowed dryly and lifted his head, saying, “Yes.”

“Why.”

Kang Seokwon asks. He probably knows. The vague affection Jo Jihyun holds for him.

“I’d rather we didn’t meet.”

He should have said this from the start.

Because he liked the him he met again, because it felt like falling in love one more time, he lost his senses and acted like a fool.

“I’m a high school senior now, and I’ll be quitting my job soon. And, …….”

No matter what reason he came up with, it would not be convincing. He likes Kang Seokwon, and he too is drawn to him. The more he spoke, the more he was revealing his own lie.

Jo Jihyun stood up from his seat.

“Goodbye. I’ll be on my…….”

Kang Seokwon grabs Jo Jihyun’s wrist.

“Did I make a mistake?”

The man who fears nothing asks as if he is scared. He is afraid there might be a mistake he failed to notice.

“No, it’s not that.”

The wrist he holds is so hot it feels like it’s burning. He can feel his firm, leaping pulse through his palm.

“Was what you said before really the reason?”

The people sitting across from them whisper and glance their way. Kang Seokwon doesn’t care in the slightest. His gaze is fixed solely on Jo Jihyun, unwavering. The man’s straightforward focus was frightening. Once he set a direction, he would immerse himself without a care for his surroundings.

“Please let go.”

Jo Jihyun tried to shake his wrist free.

“Is that what you called me out to say?”

“…….”

The boundary crumbles. Kang Seokwon began to push his true feelings forward. He had to get away from him quickly. Jo Jihyun twisted his body to shake off his hand. In the process, he bumped into a server carrying ramen on a tray. The hot broth spilled onto Jo Jihyun’s thigh.

“Sir, are you okay? You stood up so suddenly…….”

The flustered server shrieked like it was a scream.

“Where’s the restroom.”

“Pardon?”

“I asked where the restroom is.”

Overwhelmed by Kang Seokwon, the server couldn’t even speak properly and just pointed a finger in the direction of the restroom. Kang Seokwon lifted Jo Jihyun up in a flash.

“I can…….”

“Stay still.”

Jo Jihyun bit his lip, enduring the pain. As soon as they entered the restroom, Kang Seokwon connected a hose to the faucet. Every place the cloth brushed against felt like his skin was being sliced. Kang Seokwon unbuckled Jo Jihyun’s pants.

“No, just…….”

Before he could stop him, Kang Seokwon pulled down Jo Jihyun’s pants. His white thigh was cooked red.

“Endure it. It’ll be cold.”

After taking off the rest of the pants, Kang Seokwon poured cold water on his thigh. Water trickled down his leg. The sight, which looked as if he were wetting himself, made blood rush to Jo Jihyun’s face. Between his legs, he could see the crown of Kang Seokwon’s head and the bridge of his nose. His gaze directly touches the stinging skin, hot with a burning sensation.

“I don’t think it’ll blister.”

Kang Seokwon continues, frowning.

“Still, it’s better to go to the hospital…….”

Jo Jihyun doesn’t answer. He was clenching his teeth and trembling, as if holding something back with all his might. Only then does the area between Jo Jihyun’s legs, slightly covered by his shirt, come into Kang Seokwon’s view.

“Excuse me, sir. This is vaseline…….”

The server who opened the door and entered saw Jo Jihyun with his lower half undressed and stared as if mesmerized. Kang Seokwon snatched the vaseline from the server’s hand and shut the door. Kang Seokwon knelt on one knee on the restroom floor again and said.

“I’ll put the medicine on for you.”

“I’ll, do it.”

Kang Seokwon doesn’t answer and opens the lid of the medicine container. He generously scoops the medicine onto his finger and gently spreads it on Jo Jihyun’s thigh, rubbing it in.

“I’ll…….”

“Stay still. It will hurt more if your shirt rubs against it.”

Unless he was blind, there was no way Kang Seokwon wouldn’t know. No matter how much he tried to cover it with the hem of his shirt, the excitement, enough to slightly lift his underwear, was visible at a glance. Kang Seokwon applied the medicine to Jo Jihyun’s thigh without a word. The man’s touch, rubbing through the transparent, sticky liquid, took precedence over the pain.

“First, we should disinfect it and then to the hospital…….”

Kang Seokwon’s expression freezes. Jo Jihyun’s tears fall, ttuk ttuk. His face is flushed red with an unmanageable shame. As soon as tears gathered on his long eyelashes, they fell, tuk tuk, down his cheeks. His delicate eyes, as if drawn with a fine brush, quickly became wet. Kang Seokwon let out a small sigh and roughly rinsed Jo Jihyun’s pants in the sink.

“Can you wear them?”

Jo Jihyun took the pants without answering. It hurt just for the fabric to touch him, but he pulled the pants on in one go.

“Wait a moment.”

Kang Seokwon went out and came right back with his bag. He took out a training jacket from it and had Jo Jihyun wrap it around his waist.

“Your clothes are wet, so go like this for now.”

“It’s alright.”

Like a child who had an accident with his clothes, Jo Jihyun kept his head down and couldn’t make eye contact. Kang Seokwon silently waited for him to stabilize.

“I paid the bill. I’ll get you a taxi.”

At Kang Seokwon’s words, Jo Jihyun shook his head. “Jo Jihyun,” Kang Seokwon calls him. Kang Seokwon’s gaze is low and沉.

“You said we wouldn’t see each other anymore.”

“…….”

“Then at least let me do this much.”

Until the very end, Kang Seokwon doesn’t push his own desires. Just like before.

It was a wretched feeling.

“So you’re quitting in two weeks? That’s a shame.”

Kim Soojung chattered on with her bag slung to her side.

“Just when you get attached, you quit, just when you get attached, you run away. I thought you were a bit more diligent and would work for a long time.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not something to be sorry for, but I’m disappointed. The manager secretly liked you too because you were good at settling the cash register and good at your job. Though at first he grumbled about you being a high schooler. Oops, that’s a secret.”

Jo Jihyun nodded his head, “Yes.”

“I guess it’s the season for everyone to leave. Hyunjung, the weekend part-timer, is quitting now too. Sigh.”

She let out a sigh and readjusted her bag.

“Come to think of it, I haven’t seen that person lately.”

“Who.”

“That big person. The scary-looking one.”

Since that day, Kang Seokwon hadn’t shown his face at the convenience store. He was a sincere person. Someone who tried to keep his word. A world of difference from himself, who had felt lust in his gaze on the day he resolved to say his final goodbye.

“Turns out he’s a celebrity. I told my little brother and he knew right away? He said among guys these days, you’re a spy if you don’t know him. They say he’s a genius boxer the likes of which our country may never see again, or something. You know what? Guys also exaggerate quite a bit. With my little brother, you have to take half of what he says with a grain of salt.”

She prattled on with her own story, whether Jo Jihyun responded or not.

“They kept blabbering about him being an undefeated boxer or whatever, what a real exaggeration.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“He lost. It was in the newspaper, you didn’t see? Ah. I’m late. I’m gonna go.”

She scurried off. Jo Jihyun got up from the counter, went to the display rack, and picked up today’s sports newspaper. After flipping a few pages, the headline, “A Genius Boxer’s Unfortunate, Narrow Defeat,” caught his eye.

Why.

According to his memory, Kang Seokwon had never once experienced defeat in his career as an athlete. Reality keeps getting distorted. Is it because of him? Jo Jihyun bit his lower lip.

The next day at school, Jo Jihyun went up to the third-year, class 4. He had intended to just check on him and come back down. However, Kang Seokwon was nowhere to be found in the classroom. Just in case, he went up again after the second period, and again after the third, but it was the same. Around the end of lunch, a student from third-year class 4 who recognized the loitering Jo Jihyun spoke to him.

“Weren’t you here earlier too?”

Jo Jihyun first bowed his head curtly.

“Who are you looking for? I can call them for you.”

“No. Excuse me, …….”

Jo Jihyun peeked into the classroom one more time.

“Kang Seokwon sunbae-nim, did he not come to school today?”

“Kang Seokwon? I don’t know. He misses school often because of matches. Hey, did Kang Seokwon come today?”

“No. I don’t think so. He hasn’t been here since yesterday.”

A third-year student, sucking on a lollipop, answered with a grin.

“Could I possibly know the reason why?”

“The class president is passing by over there, I’ll ask him for you. Class president!”

A male student with glasses turned toward them.

“Do you know why Kang Seokwon isn’t here?”

“I don’t know. The homeroom teacher even said something about it. Said he can’t be contacted. He was asking if anyone knew.”

“Who would know. What crazy person would talk to him. I’ve never even seen him talk.”

His heart sinks, kung.

“But why Kang Seokwon? Are you a fan? Give it up. He’s several times more scary in person than on TV or the news, you won’t be able to say a word to him.”

“But why isn’t he coming?”

“Isn’t it because he’s embarrassed he lost the match? Genius this, genius that, think how much people around him must have hyped him up.”

The sound of snickering laughter was heard. Jo Jihyun just bowed his head curtly again and escaped the spot as if fleeing.

He sat blankly throughout class. He wasn’t the type of person to skip school without notice just because he lost a match. Could something have happened? All through his work at the convenience store, his thoughts were only of Kang Seokwon. He seemed out of it all day. He made several mistakes with the register and the cash was short, so he got a major scolding for the first time. The next day, too, Kang Seokwon did not come to school. His anxiety reached its peak. He went to find Kang Seokwon’s studio apartment, but the lights were off. He stayed there until 1 a.m., wondering if the lights would turn on late at night, but it was the same. He couldn’t sleep a wink all night. He woke up early in the morning, took a bus, and went to the gym where Kang Seokwon trained. Knowing it was a crazy thing to do, he grabbed a random person who came for a morning workout and asked. Kang Seokwon? Haven’t seen him for a few days, right? He’s not answering his phone and there’s no contact, so the director is furious. He felt as if his last thread of hope had been cut. Under any circumstances, Kang Seokwon never skipped his training. He doesn’t remember how he got back in his right mind. Extreme anxiety crushed his windpipe. It was Saturday, so after morning classes he went to the library, but he couldn’t sit still for even ten minutes. He packed his bag and returned home. Something had happened to him. Something that prevented him from showing up at school, or at the gym. Just then, he heard the screech of braking tires from outside the window, kkiik. At the same time, a suppressed memory surfaced. Kang Seokwon’s blood spreads on the road. It soaks his clothes and soaks my hands that hold him. A terrible fear clawed at his spine. A sharp, blue-honed blade plunges into his heart. He shot up and looked down at his hands. Even after confirming there was nothing there, his hands and feet trembled. He has to check if he is safe. It is a duty. A reason for living. He ran out of the house. His mother’s sharp voice asking where he was going stabbed his back, but he couldn’t answer. He didn’t even have the leeway to wait for the elevator. He ran down the stairs. He had to see Kang Seokwon’s well-being with his own eyes. He thought that this time, he would protect him. He couldn’t ruin his life twice. He must not. He caught a taxi. Every time they stopped at a red light, the blade piercing his heart deepened. As soon as he got out of the taxi, he ran. He went to his house and knocked on the door. Until the exasperated next-door neighbor cursed at him, Kang Seokwon did not come out. Where could he have gone? Jo Jihyun went around to all the places he had been to with Kang Seokwon. He couldn’t find him anywhere. His blood ran dry and his lips became parched. It felt like someone was tightening a rope around his neck and slowly pulling it upward. His feet grew distant and his strength gradually faded. It started to rain. He wandered the streets like a madman. It was what Kang Seokwon had done. Kang Seokwon had spent years searching for someone who had disappeared without a trace, without a word. This task, which was so heart-wrenching it felt like his blood was burning away after just a few hours, he had endured for years. What if something bad happened to him because I did something wrong? Jo Jihyun covered his face with his palms and collapsed on the spot. In the end, all of this would return to nothing.

“…….”

Jo Jihyun bit his lip. He has to confirm Kang Seokwon’s strength, his well-being, with his own eyes, with these hands. He headed to the gym. Aside from home, it was the place he spent the most time. His breath came up to the tip of his chin, and it felt like his lungs would tear. With every step he took up the hill, Jo Jihyun prayed to God. He prayed thousands, no, tens of thousands of times more desperately than all those nights of his childhood when he had prayed for his mother to love him. That even if God abandoned him, He would not abandon him. That he could enjoy the life he was promised. He lets out a ragged breath and looks up at the gym. It’s late at night, but the gym’s lights are brightly lit. Through the large glass, he can glimpse a person’s shadow. Jo Jihyun moved closer to see more clearly. A large shadow moves. In time with his movements, a powerful striking sound rings out. It’s a fierce momentum that no one can imitate. Jo Jihyun stared blankly at the sight. It’s Kang Seokwon. He is moving. He is wholly himself, with nothing to subtract, nothing to add. With a dull thud, peok, the punching bag collapses. Kang Seokwon gasped for breath and turned his head to the side. Their eyes met. Rain trickled down his eyelashes. In the blink of an eye, Kang Seokwon’s figure disappears from his vision. Only then did Jo Jihyun realize what he had just done. He turned around.

“Jo Jihyun!”

Kang Seokwon called Jo Jihyun loudly. He couldn’t take more than a few steps before he was caught by his hand. Kang Seokwon gasps for breath.

“Why are you here like this.”

“……, …….”

He can’t even say he was just passing by, or that he had business nearby. Soaked from head to toe, whatever he said would be useless.

“Come inside for a moment.”

He pulls Jo Jihyun’s hand.

“No. That you’re safe……, I’ll be going now.”

Jo Jihyun’s voice barely came out. The moment he confirmed his safety, all he could think was that nothing else mattered. Even if a corner of the world were to collapse, his well-being was what was important right now.

Kang Seokwon did not let go of Jo Jihyun’s wrist.

“There’s no one in the gym. Just come up for a moment.”

“……, It’s alright.”

“I’m not alright.”

Kang Seokwon leads Jo Jihyun up the hill. The wrist he holds is so hot it feels like it’s burning. He can feel his pulse. He was grateful for the existence of a living Kang Seokwon. He blinked several times, confirming Kang Seokwon.

As he had said, the gym was empty. Kang Seokwon brought a large towel and dried the rain-soaked Jo Jihyun. Thanks to wandering in the rain for several hours, rainwater was dripping down even when he was just standing still. In the end, he had to bring a few more towels. His blue-tinged lips slowly regain their color. Jo Jihyun, who had been staring at Kang Seokwon for a while, finally accepts his real presence. Blood flows in his head and reason finds its place. “I’ll be going now,” Jo Jihyun muttered.

“Wait a moment. I was just about to pack up and leave too.”

Kang Seokwon wraps a new towel around Jo Jihyun’s head, then goes inside and comes out with his bag. Even while going down in the elevator, Jo Jihyun didn’t say anything.

“Use this. I can just run, it’s quick.”

Kang Seokwon opened an umbrella and handed it to Jo Jihyun. It was a long walk to the bus stop.

“It’s alright. You use it.”

“It’s okay.”

Kang Seokwon put his bag over his head and stepped outside. But he is immediately held back by a faint force. Jo Jihyun himself looked flustered for having held him back. Kang Seokwon stands tall and looks at Jo Jihyun. Jo Jihyun’s lips slowly part.

“Let’s, ……share it.”

At Jo Jihyun’s words, Kang Seokwon’s expression is one of being completely disarmed. He slowly lowered the bag from his head. He took back the umbrella held in Jo Jihyun’s hand.

“Let’s go.”

The two began to walk in the rain. Water droplets fell, lightly tapping the flatly spread fabric. The sound of the water falling, tok, tok, tok, was louder than the sound of the rain outside the umbrella. He could see the hand holding the umbrella handle. He hadn’t even unwrapped his boxing hand wraps. One of Kang Seokwon’s shoulders is getting completely soaked by the rain.

“You can move the umbrella more to your side.”

Kang Seokwon just replies, “Yeah,” but doesn’t move the umbrella’s direction at all. He walked slowly. The sound of the rain replaced the silence.

“……, Weren’t we not supposed to see each other?”

He breaks the silence and opens his mouth. Jo Jihyun’s face turns red. He couldn’t explain this situation where nothing he said would make sense.

“I’m sorry.”

At Kang Seokwon’s sudden apology, Jo Jihyun’s eyes go wide.

“I’m not good with words, and I don’t know how to handle something like this.”

Kang Seokwon continues with difficulty, a troubled expression on his face.

“If I made a mistake toward you, I’ll apologize. So……”

He is waiting for him to retract the words from a few days ago.

“You haven’t made any mistakes. It’s all my fault.”

Kang Seokwon did nothing wrong. It is all his own fault. It is because of himself, who has come to like Kang Seokwon more than before. He thought that if he returned to the beginning, he could make everything as if it had never happened. But the Kang Seokwon he met for the second time, it was impossible not to like him. He falls in love, time and time again.

“My situation is a bit complicated right now……, I’m sorry for constantly making you worry.”

“Okay,” Kang Seokwon says, and starts walking again.

“Did you come looking for me on purpose?”

“At school, you weren’t there……”

To Kang Seokwon’s question, he couldn’t bring himself to say that he was worried.

“It was my grandmother’s death anniversary, so I went down to the countryside. My phone doesn’t get reception there.”

He was relieved, for now, that it wasn’t because of him. His mind was also a little unsettled, and at the added words, Jo Jihyun curls his fingertips. Every time they walked, their shoulders brushed precariously close. Once he became conscious of it, it bothered him so much that all the cells in his body stood on end. Not knowing where to put his hands, Jo Jihyun lowered his eyes. He raised his head again. His eyes met Kang Seokwon’s. His whole body tingles. Jo Jihyun turns his gaze to the side again. Kang Seokwon’s gaze touches his cheek. He didn’t even know how to move his legs to walk, and the sequence began to get tangled in his head.

“I heard that, you lost the match.”

He blurted out whatever came to mind.

“In the next match, you’ll be able to win……”

Jo Jihyun couldn’t finish his sentence. Kang Seokwon cups his chin with his hand. Rarely, he was extremely flustered.

“I was lost in thought, and ……by the time I came to my senses, it was over.”

Kang Seokwon’s nape is red. He muttered as if making an excuse.

“That’s never happened before.”

Jo Jihyun suddenly remembered that he was younger than him. Things he had failed to see before now come into view. He realizes he sincerely wishes for this person’s happiness.

“Everyone must have been, surprised.”

He remembered the voice of the gym director, who had confidently said that a player as great as Kang Seokwon would never appear again.

“They said we should do a doping test.”

At Kang Seokwon’s words, which carried a slightly sullen tone, Jo Jihyun burst out laughing. He likes the Kang Seokwon he met again. He was so lovely, it was unbearable.

“Then the doping test……”

Jo Jihyun swallowed his laughter and lifted his gaze. Kang Seokwon stares at him, mesmerized. As if facing an incredibly beautiful landscape. An airtight, solid emotion seeps into his eyes. He is helplessly captivated by his gaze. He knows what he wants. It is the same as what he wants. Rain that the umbrella failed to cover splatters on his face. Raindrops gathered on his eyelashes cannot overcome gravity and fall downward. Kang Seokwon grabs Jo Jihyun’s wrist and pulls. The moment they stepped into the alley, Kang Seokwon lowered his head and kisses him. It was a deep kiss. He could feel his thirst, which he had barely, barely suppressed. His lips were unfamiliar, yet supremely familiar. Jo Jihyun parted his lips. The umbrella fell to the ground. Kang Seokwon thrusts his hand deep into Jo Jihyun’s hair and holds on tight. Without the slightest gap. A gasp that could not be uttered hovers on Kang Seokwon’s wet lips. Even that, Kang Seokwon greedily swallowed. Their ragged breaths were sweet. Like a newborn baby suckling its mother’s breast for the first time, they instinctively sucked on each other’s lips. With their lips interlocked, the two hugged each other. Hot blood soon circulated through their bodies, which had been chilled by the rain. Kang Seokwon’s body felt harder than the wall behind him. The excitement reached him through their embrace. Kang Seokwon pushed his lower body forward forcefully. As if to announce his arousal. And at that moment, Jo Jihyun realizes what he was about to do. It felt like being doused with ice water. By the time he came to his senses, he had already pushed Kang Seokwon away. Kang Seokwon is pushed back one step.

“……I’m sorry.”

Jo Jihyun covered his mouth with a trembling hand.

“Don’t apologize.”

“I’m sorry, I, ……I’m really sorry.”

“Jo Jihyun, I,”

He didn’t have the confidence to hear the rest of his words. Jo Jihyun pushed Kang Seokwon away and escaped the alley. He ran to the main road and got on a bus without checking its destination. Kang Seokwon, who had run after him belatedly, stares blankly at the departing bus. Jo Jihyun couldn’t even bring himself to turn his head.

How can I be so irresponsible? This time, there’s not even room for an excuse. Jo Jihyun covered his face with his palms. It feels as if Kang Seokwon’s touch still remains. Only after crossing the Han River did Jo Jihyun realize he had gotten on a bus going in the completely wrong direction. After transferring buses and returning home, it was past 12 a.m. His mother, upon seeing her son soaked to the bone, poured out a stream of nagging, irritable words.

“Think about your mother who does housework all day too.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll clean it up later.”

She was more worried about the floor than her rain-soaked son. Jo Jihyun took a shower, changed his clothes, then returned to his room and lay on the bed. He touched his dry lips with his fingertips. The breath of the man who had kissed him deeply comes to mind. His large hand that had fiercely wrapped around his waist, his firm chest that had pressed against him, and his fully aroused lower body that had touched him. Jo Jihyun hastily pulled down his pajama bottoms and gripped his member. He knows how Kang Seokwon held him. While treating him preciously as if he would break if held in his hand, at the decisive moment, he became extremely greedy. Even if he came several times, he rarely knew satisfaction. Open your mouth. Kang Seokwon’s demands were always clear and simple. A greedy tongue licked the inside of his mouth. The permitted lust violated the wet mucous membrane without hesitation. A large hand gripped his mound. Holding the risen flesh and as if masturbating, the man slowly moves his hips. The sensation of the flesh brushing between his thighs is hot as fire. His body trembled without him realizing it. Kang Seokwon bites his lip and lets go. A slow whisper reaches his ear. Jihyun-ah. At that moment, Jo Jihyun came.

Haa, haa. The ragged breathing brings his senses back to reality. Seeing the whitish liquid pooled in his palm, he falls into self-loathing. He cannot shake the thought that, not content with the real Kang Seokwon, he had treated him carelessly even in his mind. His whole body shivered. The chill he hadn’t paid attention to now circulated through his body. Even pulling the sheets up to his head, the chill that had seeped into his bones did not subside in the slightest.

A fever rose throughout the night.

His fever fluctuated up to 40 degrees Celsius. His mother, after checking the thermometer, frowned slightly and muttered in an annoyed voice.

“I told you not to walk around in the rain. You should manage your own body. Why is a grown kid acting like such a baby over a mere cold.”

When he had a fever all night as a child, his mother had spouted words not much different from now. Why are you acting so sick over a mere cold. It hurt much more when I gave birth to you. Do you even know what the pain of childbirth is like? He could not elicit any sympathy from her. The woman could not stand a being more pitiful, more pitiable, more pretty than herself.

“I’m… sorry.”

His voice was so cracked that it barely made a sound.

“I put some medicine over there, so take it. Rest from school today. It can’t be helped.”

She spoke as if she were bestowing great generosity. But in his current state, that generosity was just very grateful. His mother let out a sigh, closed the door, and left. The water cup on the nightstand next to the bed came into view. He felt a thirst as if his throat were on fire, but he couldn’t even reach out his hand for the water cup. Even the sheet covering his body felt heavy. Just tossing and turning a few times felt like it had drained all the energy from his body. He closed his eyes again. He could feel the heat through his eyelids. Jihyun-ah. The voice that called him gently touches his ear and falls away. He wants to be held by him and be thoroughly childish. His throat was so swollen it felt like it was stuck together. He couldn’t even swallow his own saliva. He sweated so much he was confused whether he might have had an accident on the sheets. It hurt as if someone were hitting his head with a hammer. He felt nauseous from the fever. Just getting up from the bed made the world shake violently. It took a long time to take one step off the bed. He stood up by leaning on the wall and barely walked to the restroom. His mother had mysophobia. She would clean the bathroom all day without a word. But that mysophobia collapsed easily. There were also times when she would let the dishes pile up for a whole month. If someone tried to touch them to clean, she would scream and get angry hysterically. When he was young, if he spilled food on the floor or accidentally knocked over water, he would be beaten until he saw stars. He wanted to collapse and throw up right now, but Jo Jihyun desperately walked to the restroom and turned on the light. The white tiles sparkled, almost blindingly. Jo Jihyun knelt on the tiled floor, hugged the toilet, and threw up everything. Having eaten nothing, he only gagged and retched up stomach acid.

“Is that you, Jihyun?”

His mother, who had woken up, seemed to have heard the noise and approached the restroom. Jo Jihyun quickly flushed the toilet and got up.

“Are you throwing up because you feel sick?”

She asks, for once, in a gentle tone. Having expelled even the food he had left in his body, he was so cold. A chill seeped in, so much that his teeth chattered. And so, for a moment, he deluded himself into thinking the woman’s voice held warmth.

“What are we going to do if you’re that sick. You have to go to school tomorrow. Even if it’s an excused absence, if you miss too much, it affects your school records.”

Jo Jihyun smiled bitterly.

“Go to sleep quickly. And whatever you do, don’t throw up on the floor. It’s dirty.”

His mother yawned widely and went back to her room. After she disappeared, a pain as if his stomach were being wrung seized him. Jo Jihyun collapsed on the floor and retched into the toilet, wek, wek. He held onto the sink to stand up and rinsed his mouth. His vision distorted and ringing filled his ears. It’s okay, breathe slowly. The sensation of a hand rhythmically patting his back soothes his anxiety.

…I miss you.

He barely swallowed the thought, the mere act of which brought guilt.

“You’re not going to school? What are you really trying to do.”

“No, the kid is sick, what do you want me to do.”

“What do you mean what do I do. A student should go to school.”

“His fever isn’t going down. Just leave him be.”

“If we leave him be, are you going to take responsibility for his life? What are you going to do if he doesn’t get into a good university and lives a trashy life like you!”

“Do you think you can just say anything?”

Through his sporadic consciousness, he could hear his parents’ sharp voices. Every time he opened his eyes, the hour hand of the clock had moved.

“Jihyun-ah. Open your eyes.”

At the sensation of someone holding and shaking him, Jo Jihyun barely opened his eyes.

“Are you still not feeling well?”

“……, I’m better than before.”

It was a very slight difference, but he had to say so for the woman to stop asking questions.

“Really? Then you can go to school tomorrow, right?”

Jo Jihyun answered, “Yes.” He had been absent for two days and missed his part-time job as well. He felt sorry that Kang Seokwon might get the wrong idea. He wanted to contact him, but he couldn’t bring himself to. What could he say, after abandoning him in the rain and running away.

“Even if it’s an excused absence, missing a lot is bad for your school records. You’re a high school senior now, you need to start preparing. Right?”

The words “start preparing” were enough to make him let out a hollow laugh, but Jo Jihyun just gave a small nod.

“Right. You should take a shower. You sweated a lot, didn’t you?”

His pajamas were damp with sweat. But his body hadn’t recovered enough to take a shower yet.

“Later……”

“When you have a cold, if you sweat it all out and take a hot shower, it goes away completely. Listen to your mom.”

If he argued differently here, it would become several times more tiring. Jo Jihyun said, “I understand,” and got up. Having eaten nothing, his head spun, but it was a relief that it wasn’t to the point of throwing up like before.

“By the way, who is this sunbae?”

“Pardon?”

Goosebumps prickled his skin.

“You were looking for a sunbae-nim in your sleep. You’re not seeing a girl these days, are you?”

“No, it’s not that. I think I just had a nightmare.”

“Okay. You can date all you want later in college. Don’t waste your time on useless things. My son, so pretty like this, Mom is worried some strange vixen might snatch you away.”

The woman chattered in a bright voice, as if something had put her in a good mood. Jo Jihyun left the room. He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Even as he washed his body with hot water, the cold air of the bathroom touched his skin, and his whole body shivered. His legs gave out, and he had to crouch down to wash his hair. He kept thinking of Kang Seokwon. Even if he resolves not to meet him, he ends up running into him. Like a person who cannot deviate from a set path. No, there must be a reason why he returned to this place. He has to correct his past mistakes somehow. He couldn’t even fathom how he would face him at school tomorrow. Though he might not even agree to meet. Jo Jihyun let out a sigh. He barely finished his shower and returned to his room. The moment he opened the door, Jo Jihyun doubted his eyes. All the drawers of his desk were pulled out, and things were scattered messily on the floor. A feeling that something was wrong creeped up his spine.

“Jihyun-ah.”

His mother called her son’s name from behind him.

“Let’s have a talk with Mom.”

“What……”

As soon as he turned his head, a palm flew at him. Since he was barely standing, he collapsed onto the floor.

“You damn son of a bitch.”

His mother threw the money she was holding onto the floor. It was the tuition money he had received. He had collected it all and hidden it deep inside his desk.

“What is this money. Huh?”

The woman’s patience was not long enough to wait for an answer after asking a question. She mercilessly trampled on her son’s body and screamed. A bastard I wouldn’t feel bad about even if I killed him. A devil-like bastard who only lies when he opens his mouth, a bastard who doesn’t know gratitude despite tearing through his own mother’s cunt to be born. Horrific curses were poured out. A nosebleed started, and blood flowed from his mouth. He was kicked in the stomach several times and couldn’t breathe properly. The only thing he could do was curl up and protect his head as much as possible. His father ran in at the commotion, but he couldn’t stop her properly.

“What are you doing to a sick kid?”

“If he’s sick, if he’s sick, is it okay to deceive his mother? Why is this money coming out of his drawer right now? What are you doing outside? Hey! Answer me!”

“Calm down a little. Aren’t you embarrassed in front of the neighbors?”

“What’s there to be embarrassed about. My son is deceiving his mother, how can I endure this!”

The woman, who had been struggling hysterically, suddenly ran to the kitchen. The moment he saw the glinting kitchen knife in her hand, horrific scenes flashed through his mind.

“I’m going to kill you. I’m going to cut out your lying tongue!”

The woman rushed at him. He reflexively blocked the flying knife with his hand. A hot pain grazed his palm. Blood soaks the floor. His father grabbed his wife from behind and held her back, but she couldn’t overcome her rage and let out animal-like screams. Jo Jihyun barely got up and ran to the front door. He could hear the sounds of things crashing and breaking behind him.

“I’m going to kill you!”

The moment the elevator arrived, the woman who had followed him to the front door swung the knife. The doors closed by a hair’s breadth. He felt as if his mother would chase him and stab him with the knife. The only thought was that he had to run away. After running for a while, he realized he wasn’t even wearing shoes. This time, both feet were bare. It was raining. There wasn’t even anyone passing by. The night wind cut through the light clothes he had put on after his shower. The chill that had been pushed back by fear now dug into his skin. He had nowhere to go. He couldn’t even lean on anyone. Jo Jihyun, who had been standing like that for a long time, saw a public phone booth. As if possessed, he walked toward it. A stone grazed his bare foot, and the sole of his foot stung. He went inside the phone booth and crouched down. He wiped the rainwater trickling down his forehead with the back of his hand. What do I do. His vision was blurred because of the fever. Jo Jihyun blinked several times, trying his best to stay conscious. If he collapses here, he’ll be taken to the police station. Then they’ll definitely contact his home, and……. Should I disappear? Should he take a train to the countryside and live working part-time in a place where no one’s news can reach him? Would there be a job that would hire a minor without identification? No, even if there was, he didn’t even have the bus fare to get to the train station right now. What do I do. What am I supposed to do. Rainwater invaded the booth. Jo Jihyun huddled up and buried his head in his knees. Stomping on his weakness, a frank selfishness rears its head. He misses Kang Seokwon more than words can say. That man who came running at a single phone call that night, his voice, his hands, he misses everything. But he shouldn’t do that now. He shouldn’t shake him anymore. If it’s now, he can avoid being left as a scar in Kang Seokwon’s life. If he takes one more step, then at that time…….

“Jo Jihyun?”

At first, he thought he was going crazy. Hallucinations and auditory hallucinations were not uncommon. Because he missed him so much, because he longed for him like crazy, he thought it was an illusion created by his broken mind.

Kang Seokwon throws down his umbrella and runs over. Jo Jihyun swallows his breath and leans back.

“Who did this. How badly are you hurt.”

The moment he saw the boy, covered in blood and trembling, the man who had lost his reason shouts. Jo Jihyun shook his head.

“……I didn’t.”

“What?”

“I didn’t call. I didn’t make a call.”

“What are you talking about right now. Let’s go to the hospital first.”

Kang Seokwon reached out to hug Jo Jihyun. Jo Jihyun hysterically dodged and screamed.

“Why did you come! I didn’t even call, I never called, you can’t do this.”

Jo Jihyun shook his head. Kang Seokwon knelt down to check on Jo Jihyun, but the more he did, the more violently Jo Jihyun resisted. With his bloody hands, Jo Jihyun pushes Kang Seokwon away. With a force weaker than a child’s, so pitifully desperate.

“Jo Jihyun, let’s go to the hospital. I’ll take you.”

“No. I don’t want to, ……sunbae-nim, ……please.”

Realizing that there was something wrong with Jo Jihyun, who was flailing like a drowning person, Kang Seokwon’s expression hardened in shock. Like someone being strangled, Jo Jihyun’s breathing becomes increasingly ragged. Kang Seokwon calls his name, “Jo Jihyun, Jo Jihyun,” but there is no response.

“Jihyun-ah!”

At that heart-wrenching call, Jo Jihyun’s eyes fly open. Like a young child waking from a nightmare, Jo Jihyun’s gaze instantly becomes weak. Tears well up in his deep eyes. Kang Seokwon pulled Jo Jihyun into a hug.

“It’s okay.”

“…….”

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

Saying so, Kang Seokwon tightens his grip on the hands holding him.

I’m going crazy. If he could, he wanted to wring out everything he had and give it to Kang Seokwon. He felt like even that wouldn’t be enough. What do I do. What am I supposed to do. God. Please…….

“……I’m asking you a favor.”

Jo Jihyun continued in a trembling voice.

“Just this once, please don’t worry about me and go back. I’m alright. So I’m begging you, please.”

He barely suppressed the urge to cling to Kang Seokwon right now. Kang Seokwon’s clothes were all covered in blood. He became afraid that it would soon become his future.

Kang Seokwon lets go of Jo Jihyun. The warmth moves away.

“I can’t.”

His lips tremble minutely.

“How can I not worry about you.”

The man, who seemed so fierce and hard that nothing could scratch him, casually reveals his vulnerable side. The tremendous gap is suffocating.

“How can I leave you here. How can I possibly… you……”

Kang Seokwon clenches his fist tightly. As if to crush the surging emotions in his grip, he clenches his fist and takes slow, deep breaths.

“You don’t have to see me again. It’s fine if you never meet me again, so,”

I’ll help you.

That murmured whisper carries the man’s entire, genuine heart.

Jihyun-ah. Come here.

Kang Seokwon confessed his feelings without even being able to make eye contact. The dam of his heart, which had been barely holding on, collapses. He never knew how to resist him in the first place. In the end, he clung to Kang Seokwon and burst into tears.

The rain beat fiercely against the darkness.