OLP 6

That evening after training, I returned to the dorms to sharpen my skate blades and stretch. While Seonho and the other teammate joined in, holding each other’s bodies and stretching them out, sunbae put his weight on my lower back. Unlike usual, he was pressing down with his full weight, and it was heavy. When I looked up to protest, his face was as expressionless as always, but the corners of his mouth were turned up. He laughed, saying my squished cheeks made me look like a chick. I could not figure out his mood at all.

I was going to review the competition footage of the Canadian athlete I met earlier, but for some reason, sunbae got annoyed, so I played a video of an Italian athlete instead. I had seen that athlete earlier at the Olympic Plaza too. He was buying an espresso at a cafe. Only then did it dawn on me that I was actually competing side-by-side with athletes I had only seen in videos.

The coach in charge of our team’s video analysis had already filmed the training footage of athletes from other countries. The night grew deeper as I watched the training videos the coach sent and listened to Jihoon sunbae’s advice.

“Don’t be intimidated. If they can win a medal, so can you. What’s stopping you?”

“But.”

“There are no ‘buts.’ Just think like that. What’s stopping you?”

“Yes…”

“Just don’t get nervous. If you’re really nervous, think of me. Didn’t I tell you before? That I’ll make sure you win a medal, no matter what it takes.”

That would make me even more nervous.

‘No matter what it takes.’ 

I knew he was just saying it, but it was reassuring. I lay down in my spot and clumsily pulled the covers up. We were still lying facing each other, close enough to touch each other’s faces with just an outstretched hand.

Sunbae’s bare arm, which was outside the covers, brushed against my ear. He found my hand hidden under the blanket and squeezed it tight. Feeling the sensation of his fingers digging in as if to transfer courage, I thought. Right, what’s stopping me… I worked hard too. As if sensing my determination, his finger scratched my palm.

“Hyung, that tickles…”

“I know.”

And then I fell asleep. Holding hands.

The men’s 1,500-meter short track speed skating event was the day right after the opening ceremony.

*

I failed.

In the men’s 1,500-meter semifinals, Seonho and I were in the same group. Just last night, I had been filled with baseless confidence, saying ‘What’s stopping me!’, but I was as nervous as someone at a job interview. My group in the preliminaries was not good. I had used up what little energy I had just to get through that. It was a blessing just to have made it this far. Still, since I had come this far, I thought I would do my best to get to the finals, to pass in 1st and 2nd place alongside Seonho. To advance to the finals with Seonho. If that was not possible, to at least get Seonho to the finals. At the very least, not to get in his way. That was my goal.

I was in lane 2, and Seonho was in lane 3. The Canadian athlete I met yesterday was in lane 1. I gave a nod to him as he smiled in my direction. Hello, retriever.

Compared to Westerners, we had smaller builds, so we were at a disadvantage in the physical jostling right after the start. We decided to skate from behind and look for an opportunity. Seonho, who has a fast start, also chose to stay behind this time. 1,500 meters. There were many opportunities. I attempted an overtake at the first corner. Seonho went first and passed the retriever, but he was still far from taking the lead.

Right after, Seonho faltered slightly and fell behind me. The order was me, Canada, then Seonho. I kept looking for opportunities after that, but it was not easy. I grew more and more anxious. ‘He should be making a move around now…’ It was as if I could hear the commentator’s voice. If I had the overwhelming skill of Jihoon sunbae, I would take a wide path on the outside to pass. Instead, was my being in front blocking Seonho’s opportunity? The moment I had that thought, another corner approached.

The problem happened there.

The body of the skater in front, unable to overcome the centrifugal force, drifted slightly to the outside. An opening appeared. It was narrow, but enough for one person like me. The opportunity was only for a moment, and without time to think, I put strength into my thighs.

Just as I was about to lower my posture and pick up speed, something brushed against the back of my knees. I felt a faint pulling sensation. It was a force so slight it was almost imperceptible, but it was enough to break my concentration.

Such a sensation is fatal when cornering at a sharp angle. I tried to regain my balance, putting so much force into it that my fingernails broke, but then I was thrown to the outside of the rink in an instant, as if someone had swept me away. My body spun like a top, and there was a scraping sound as the ice was ground away. I flailed my arms and legs like a drowning person. I struggled with my limbs until my spinning body collided with something, sending a heavy impact through my ankle. To get up.

The moment my body stopped, I stood up. I moved my ankle once and immediately started skating again. I could not think of anything. I just got up and skated. I did not know what place I was in, what was happening in the race, or what the coach I made eye contact with was yelling at me.

I only understood the situation after the race was completely over. The one who had pulled me was the Canadian retriever. He had slightly avoided me as I fell and immediately moved up to 2nd place, but he was disqualified for a clear foul. For some reason, I was also disqualified. Impeding, for touching and obstructing the skater in front while falling. I could not accept it, but that was not important. Even if I did not remember it, if I did it, it was right for me to receive a penalty.

The problem was that Seonho, who was right behind the Canadian athlete and aiming for an inside pass, also got caught up with me and fell. Fortunately, he was granted an advantage and advanced to the finals, but it is difficult to perform at your best after a hard fall.

4th place. That was the result Seonho received in the 1,500-meter final.

The boos and cheers of the crowd, the contorted faces of the coaches shouting… my throbbing ankle. And a face that burned even hotter than that.

Of all the possible scenarios I had imagined, I had done the absolute worst. I made a mistake in front of the whole world, and I held back my teammate. The head coach made me stand in the mixed zone, pale and trembling. “What did you do so well.” He said, harshly pushing me. I could not escape anyway. From the moment I fell, the reporters had their eyes only on me.

Silence fell.

The cameras shoved in front of my face felt like blades. I bowed my head like a person with a weight attached to it and just kept repeating that I was sorry. I could not even hear the reporters’ questions from the beginning. The cameras captured every bit of my foolishly bowed head. I just mechanically bowed my head.

It is probably being broadcast live across the country right now. What will my parents think? They said they were watching with relatives… What will my friends say? The nation? All the people of South Korea who had cheered for me without even knowing me well must be disappointed. What will the head coach say when I get out of here? Seonho? Jihoon sunbae.

I was a loser. I had not only failed as an individual but had also dragged down the team. It was humiliating and pathetic.

When I turned around, the look on Seonho’s face was just as devastated as mine.

“I’m sorry, really… What should I do. Do you want to hit me.”

I was not joking; I really wished he would hit me. I was so sorry that I felt sorry for even apologizing. At my words, Seonho, who had been looking at the ground, raised his head. He looked at my trembling voice and tilted his head.

“Why are you sorry?”

His voice was subdued.

“Because of me, you fell too. You were pushed by me. I’m really sorry. I really… Ah, what should I do.”

“What… Why is it your fault? It’s that bastard’s fault.”

At the end of Seonho’s pointing finger, his face swollen, was the Canadian athlete being interviewed.

“He hit your butt and even stuck his blade out. Don’t you know your face was almost sliced open?”

He cursed, spitting out the words. I was mortified.

“Still.”

“Hey, I’m already pissed off, so stop talking nonsense. No one thinks it’s your fault.”

If I were you, I would have cried and begged them to kill that bastard during the interview, saying it was unfair. Unlike usual, Seonho’s tone was rough. His serious expression and gaze made me feel keenly how angry he was. But it is because of me… I replied, intimidated.

“I was disqualified too.”

“I’m going to lose my mind! That’s what you call a biased judgment!”

Honestly, I thought you’d make it up too. 100%! He threw the outerwear he was wearing and threw a fit. The reporters wandering around did not miss Seonho’s actions and quickly captured it on camera. A junior skater who was next to him quickly tried to stop him.

I just gave a sorry smile. I started to smile and then stopped. For fear that they would think I was smiling carefree after performing so poorly in the race. For some reason, it felt more like I was going to cry now than when I fell in the race, than when I saw the results, than when I was bombarded with questions from reporters. Seonho added.

“And well… anyway, Jihoon hyung won the gold medal. So that’s all that matters.”

Nam Jihoon sunbae had won the gold medal. It was an overwhelming performance, half a lap ahead of the second-place skater. Words of congratulations and cheerful laughter erupted like camera flashes. The coaching staff watching were also beaming with pride. It was South Korea’s first gold medal of this Olympics. While everyone was happy, the only person who was calm was sunbae. When a question about us came up, he even made a rare sarcastic remark. I had never seen an athlete other than a Chinese athlete make a blatantly negative comment about a referee’s decision during the Olympics, so I was a little flustered.

Regardless, sunbae finished the interview with a stern face, greeted the spectators who came to watch the race—he smiled at this point—and prepared for the venue ceremony where they hand out dolls instead of medals. I intermittently stole glances at sunbae while stuffing my things into my bag.

The belongings that had been neatly packed on the way here were now just shoved in on the way back. The bag was bulging. The only thing put in properly was my skates. No matter how angry and frustrated I was, when I got back to the dorms, I had to sharpen the blades of my skates and prepare for the next race. Just then, the Canadian retriever, who still had not left, approached me.

“Hey…”

I pretended not to see him trying to talk to me, slung my bag over my shoulder, and stood up. As I walked past him without a greeting, he grabbed my wrist. I twisted my wrist out of his grasp and quickened my pace. It was an immature thing to do, but even if what that person was trying to do was apologize, I did not want to hear it. Because I was not okay. How hard I had prepared for this day.

There are no injuries, but the muscles might be in shock. The bigger problem than the muscles is the mentality of a skater who made a mistake in his first appearance, so manage your mental state well. After receiving treatment along with some words of that sort and finishing a simple cool-down, I returned to the dorms.

As I rummaged through my bag for my key, I finally noticed the existence of the cell phone I had put in the front pocket. I had definitely left with a fully charged battery, but it was dead. I had a spare battery, but I had no desire to turn it on. If the messages I had received to the point of draining the battery were words of comfort, I did not deserve them, and if they were reprimands, I felt they would ruin my condition for the remaining races. ‘I knew it, you idiot…’ I imagined the comments that would be posted on social media and lay down on the bed. I covered my eyes with the back of my hand. The entire dorm was quiet.

I thought about sunbae, who would be back soon. When the door opened and sunbae came in, if the first look in his eyes when we met was one of pity, or even if it was not that, if there was even a hint of coldness, I did not think I could bear it.

But at the same time, I had to apologize to sunbae too. Because of me, two of the three national athletes were eliminated in the semifinals, and sunbae, the only one left, had to bear the burden. I could not avoid him like before out of shame. He had told me not to avoid him. With such thoughts weighing on my mind, I drifted off to sleep as if to escape.

I was awakened by the faint sound of a television.

“Lee Yeojun, you awake?”

It was Seonho.

“Did you get up?”

The junior skater who used the room next to mine also greeted me. He had been selected for the national team before me but was a high school student who only participated in the relay due to a mistake by the federation. On the screen visible over their shoulders, today’s race was being broadcast. Come to think of it, we had decided to keep the television on all day while participating in the Olympics. Because there were no televisions in the athletes’ village. I rubbed my eyes and let out a small sigh.

“Song Seonho…”

Your mental fortitude is amazing. To be able to watch that race already. I’ll call you hyung-nim from now on. As I was muttering absentmindedly, sunbae’s face suddenly appeared above me.

“Look at me too.”

Surprised, I tried to get up, but sunbae stopped me by pressing on my forehead.

“Just stay there.”

My head was resting on sunbae’s thigh. I had felt something warm, and it was none other than sunbae’s hand, enveloping and caressing my jaw and neck. As soon as I saw his impassive face, I became flustered and started rambling.

“Hyung, I’m sorry. Because of me earlier…”

“That bastard is saying that again!”

Seonho threw the straw from the soy milk he was drinking and expressed his annoyance.

“I had just forgotten about it! I’m starving, are you going to keep talking nonsense?”

Sunbae was silent. His pale, rarely smiling face was quiet, making it impossible to know what he was thinking. I was afraid of how the person I liked would react to my blatant incompetence. If I were sunbae, I would be worried. What if we get pushed out of the relay because of me. Sunbae does not even acknowledge anything but gold.

The men’s 5,000-meter relay preliminaries are tomorrow. The strategy had already been planned. Seonho, with his fast start, would be number 1, sunbae, the ace, would be number 2, and then me. Numbers 1 and 2 were fixed, and 3 and 4 were decided based on the opposing team’s lineup. But what if I could not do my part? Wouldn’t it be better to put in a substitute even now?

Sunbae, who had been intently watching my sinking expression, turned his gaze to Seonho.

“Song Seonho.”

He called his name softly in his characteristic voice.

“Can you watch TV in the living room. Take the kid with you.”

At his low voice, Seonho hesitantly got up. He gathered the soy milk, yogurt, and nuts he had laid out, then gestured with his chin to the high school student. The high school student also got up, looking around cautiously. The cluttered atmosphere was more or less cleared up, and soon the door closed. For a while, the only sound was the soft breathing of sunbae and me.

The television was still replaying today’s race. The me from earlier falls, and then gives an interview, frozen stiff. Sunbae pressed my forehead again to stop me from trying to get up.

“You just lie down.”

After saying that, sunbae stood up. He locked the door and turned up the volume on the television a little. The voice of sunbae on the screen, expressing his dissatisfaction with the judgment, became a little louder. I did not know he had looked so openly angry. I did not know.