OLP 4

A racing suit that clings to the body, sportswear that adheres to every inch of you. The so-called ‘tights,’ which make it hard to straighten your back when you wear them. Beneath those tights, a clearly erect penis was visible. The material, which clung to the skin without the slightest gap, vividly revealed the outline of the erection.

The whole time my penis was getting erect, sunbae had his hand between my legs, he had touched it there, and then he had carried me slung over his shoulder so that my ‘that’ would not be seen by others. During that time, my penis was continuously being rubbed against sunbae’s shoulder.

I covered my face with a pillow.

“What do I do…”

Sunbae, who said he would get an ice pack, did not come back for a long time.

*

I am not a shameless person. I could jump about a meter from a standstill and I could split fruit with my thighs, but I did not have the talent to act as if nothing had happened after being caught in such a state by a sunbae I respected, one with whom I was stuck with all day and even shared a room. What’s more, when I had feelings for that sunbae that went beyond that of a junior and senior, and when the cause of ‘that state’ was half sunbae’s fault, and when I guessed that sunbae had perfectly noticed that fact, I truly could not lift my head.

I did not have the confidence to see sunbae’s face. I did not have the confidence to share a room with him. I did not have the confidence to be next to him. I had no confidence, no courage, no face… I had nothing. I was lazy, untalented, and a pervert who could not even discern the time and place.

“I want to die.”

This time, I really wanted to die.

The fact that there was nowhere to run made me want to die twice as much.

We were still the team that woke up the earliest in this Jincheon. The start of our schedule was 5:20 in the morning. Normally, I, a heavy sleeper, would barely open my eyes around 5, and sunbae, with water dripping from his freshly washed hair, would be looking at the sleeping me, but now, the situation had changed.

I would quickly pack my things and leave the room before sunbae even got out of bed. I showered in the training facility’s shower room. When everyone went to eat after the evening training ended, I would stay behind alone for additional training, and while sunbae returned to do his own training after finishing his meal, I would quickly wash up and leave. Even though we were roommates who were together 24 hours a day, I somehow managed to avoid him when I tried. Anxious, restless. Even if I had confessed to sunbae and been rejected, my blood would not have run this dry.

Every time I took a thief’s shower in the room, my ears were pricked for any sign of movement outside. My heart would pound at the slightest loud noise. I even cut my finger while hastily sharpening my skate blades before sunbae returned. My index finger was severely scratched and bled a lot, but I went to sleep without even getting it treated. During training, I stuck to Seonho like gum and did not even glance in sunbae’s direction. I even tried to sleep in Seonho’s room but gave up because I was scared of the head coach. In many ways, my actions were far from composed. There was no other way. Even when I tried to act a little more natural, my body would automatically move whenever sunbae appeared.

Sunbae, who let it slide for a day or two, seemed to have caught on by this point. From a certain moment, I could feel a glaring gaze following me from behind. At the ice rink during morning practice, at the ground-level gym during weight training, at the cafeteria where I ate from a distance. Sunbae, who had nothing to hold him back, would really openly fix his gaze on me, and every time that gaze tormented the back of my head, I would stiffen up and move like a tin man in need of oil.

A murderous gaze. Sunbae looked like an idol singing a social criticism song.

Something like this happened yesterday too.

Taking advantage of sunbae’s personal training time, I had just finished washing up and was about to dry my hair. My sensitively attuned ears heard the sound of footsteps echoing from the other end of the hallway. There was only one person who would be walking around at this hour. Without a moment to think, I immediately dove into bed. I kicked the towel that was around my neck and threw it under the bed. The pillow got a round wet spot from my dripping hair.

The light was on, the dryer was plugged into the outlet, and steam was billowing from the wide-open bathroom. On top of that, I had not even managed to put on clothes and was naked. Who sleeps naked! As I was lamenting, I heard the sound of the door lock being pressed. Click. The door opened. It was sunbae, who had returned 30 minutes earlier than usual. The moment it was revealed that the owner of the footsteps was sunbae, I rationalized.

If you’re really tired… you might sleep naked.

But sunbae did not seem to think so.

“Yeojun-ah.”

Sunbae called me. I pathetically closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep.

“Lee Yeojun.”

His low voice called my name once more. It was a more annoyed tone than before. I had no choice. I continued to pretend to be asleep. Careful not to let my eyelids tremble. After a short pause, I heard a sigh. ‘I think sunbae just cursed…’ Just as I was thinking that, click, the light went out. Darkness covered me from outside my eyelids. Inside my closed eyes, I felt a sense of relief. I gently bit the inside of my cheek that I had been tensing. The next moment, I almost jumped out of my skin.

One side of the bed dipped. Sunbae had sat down on my bed. His approaching fingers touched my wet hair. He picked up a clump of hair that was stuck together because it had not dried, rubbed it, and then put his hand between my head and the pillow to press the wet fabric. Next was my forehead, then my eyelashes, then the bridge of my nose, and finally, my lips. The path his finger drew was clear. Finally, the finger that had pushed its way inside my lips and came back out touched my lower lip and pulled away.

Thud, came the sound of sunbae taking off his clothes. Even with my eyes closed, I knew what clothes sunbae would be wearing. His sportswear, which must have been soaked in sweat, fell to the floor. With my eyes closed, all the sounds were crystal clear. Click, creak. Sunbae went into the bathroom. Shwaaa. I heard the sound of water. It continued for a long time. I could not fall asleep.

And then it was today. The Short Track National Team Media Day. A public training day for the press. Seonho, wanting to look good, had applied sunscreen that made his face white. I attended with my hair a mess, having been flattened against the pillow while wet. Questions and answers about the training situation, our resolutions, and the new uniforms were exchanged, and then the reporters started raising their hands individually to ask questions.

“…I have a question for Nam Jihoon. As the hope of Korean men’s short track…”

“This is reporter Yoo Sehwa from LBC. I’d like to ask a question to Lee Yeojun. The interesting title of ‘Accidental National Athlete’…”

My first time wearing the national flag emblem, no noteworthy award records, the ‘Accidental National Athlete’ due to the skating federation’s mistake. Questions poured in for me, who was clearly the weak link of the team in anyone’s eyes, and for Nam Jihoon sunbae, who stood at the opposite pole from me. The wording was cunning. As if they were trying to catch a hint of a nuance like, ‘Nam Jihoon is not pleased with Lee Yeojun, who is holding the team back, there is discord.’ Of course, sunbae skillfully dodged them all.

With dozens of medals and even more experience appearing on broadcasts, he must have been sick of such questions. Besides, sunbae was originally a good speaker. On the other hand, it was my first time ever standing in front of such big cameras, except when taking my graduation photo. The lights pouring down on me and the microphones shoved right up to my face flustered me. Fumbling. One reporter joked, pointing at my beet-red face. That made my face even redder. He’s going to cry, he’s going to cry, the coach sitting with us muttered. That’s right… I answered only in my head.

“That is… in fact… honestly… I think so too.”

After a few of these nonsensical answers, the reporters gave up on getting a response from me.

“…Then what does Nam Jihoon think of Lee Yeojun? I heard you two are roommates.”

“Yeojun-ie… Lee Yeojun is.”

Sunbae, who had been looking murderous all morning, pulled the microphone toward himself. He looked intently at the reporter who had asked such a question and then slowly opened his mouth. I became extremely tense. What would he think, he would probably think I’m a crazy hoobae… Trying not to look at sunbae, I opened a water bottle. Sunbae, after clearing his throat once, spoke.

“He is an excellent athlete. I don’t think at all that he is holding the team back or anything like that. He is very diligent and always puts the team first in any situation, so there are actually many things I learn from him.”

“…”

“I will show you everything through the results at the first World Cup event.”

It was an overly generous evaluation for me to receive, as I had been doing nothing but strange things to sunbae recently.

Korean people like gold medals, but they liked athletes who do not give up until the end even more. An athlete who shows what true sportsmanship is—doing their best until the very last second, even if they know they are lacking in skill, no matter how hopeless the situation may be. And what they liked even more than that was an athlete who puts the team before the individual. I drew my legs together under the table. I wished I had more time. Time to slowly process sunbae’s evaluation of me, this situation, and my overwhelming emotions.

*

Without a moment to catch our breath, the public training session immediately followed.

“Lee Yeojun is doing better than I thought. Looks like he’s finally getting into form.”

“He must be desperate too. If he doesn’t win a medal this time, won’t he just have to go to the military? He has to piggyback on Nam Jihoon while he’s on the same team.”

Perhaps because they were seasoned reporters, their voices were loud too. With each added comment, it felt like I was strapping on another sandbag. It was a stroke of luck that I did not tumble disgracefully. I did not even have time to think about how burdensome it was until the whistle signaling a break blew. Because it was too burdensome.

“Ugh…”

Seeing Seonho sprawled out in the locker room, it seemed everyone else felt the burden as well. I had drunk three bottles of water during the interview earlier, so I needed to go to the bathroom. But I had to be careful at times like these. I looked around and asked Seonho.

“Where’s Jihoon hyung?”

“Hyung? I don’t know. He’s probably outside doing an additional interview.”

“Really?”

In that case.

Fanning my flushed face, I headed for the bathroom. I intended to wash my face with cold water and cool down. And to think carefully about what happened during the interview earlier. I certainly would have, if a hand had not suddenly shot out from a corner and grabbed my wrist.

In the span of an ‘uh,’ my body was pulled in. I only came to my senses after my back hit the white wall of the emergency staircase. Sunbae, with a cold face, was looking down at me. It seemed he had not done an interview at all, as his hair was still pressed down by his helmet. His presence was overwhelming. Sunbae took one more step closer to me. Our legs intertwined. Song Seonho, you brat, if you don’t know, just say you don’t know, why make things up… Flustered, I avoided his eyes. Sunbae’s lips twisted.

Sunbae sneered.

“It’s been a while, Lee Yeojun.”

As for me, I felt like I wanted to run away even if it meant giving up everything I had.

Sunbae persistently watched me as I couldn’t even make eye contact and averted my gaze. My whole body shriveled under his stare. If there was such a thing as compassion, sunbae should not have looked at me like that. However, regardless of my feelings, sunbae dissected me with his gaze. His frowning expression made him look like a delinquent stealing a high school student’s money. A handsome, pale-skinned delinquent. One who even had a scar on his cheek from a fight. So just take all my money and leave me alone…

“Why are you avoiding me.”

“Pardon?”

“I said, why are you avoiding me.”

Do you think we’re in a relationship where you can avoid me if you try? sunbae added. Like someone being scolded, I clasped my hands in front of me and only looked at the floor. Sunbae was standing with his weight on one leg. He was also bending his waist as if to see my face, which was shorter than his, up close. It was unlike the sunbae who always maintained a proper posture, saying it would ruin his physique. As I kept denying it, he must have found it absurd because his face came closer. I could not breathe. Sunbae continued.

“Lee Yeojun. I hate paying attention to other people.”

“…”

“You hurt your hand. You just put a bandage on it and went to sleep even though it was bleeding profusely. You flinch every time you put your hand on the ground. Is that going to be noticeable or not.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m not trying to hear you say you’re sorry.”

“…”

“Am I uncomfortable for you? If I am, I’ll switch rooms for you. Do you want to share with Song Seonho? You like him, don’t you.”

“No. It’s really… it’s really not like that.”

I shook my head in denial. Still unable to meet his eyes. Just looking at my feet. But I had no choice but to raise my head at the words that followed.

“Or is it. Is it because you got hard back then?”

“Pardon?”

My eyes, which had been on the race, lifted. Above the white, sharp jawline, I saw the scar on his clean cheek, and the long eyes looking down at me. What did sunbae just say. Uh… I could not say a word and just gaped. I had thought this topic might come up someday, but this was too direct. Direct and sudden. I had thought that even if we were to talk about it later, it would be brought up indirectly. Looking down at my slowly reddening face, sunbae let out a small laugh.

“Was it really because of that?”

Now, my actions came before my thoughts. I apologized incoherently.

“I’m sorry. You must have been offended… I really didn’t mean to.”

The reply that followed made my mind even more dazed.

“I wasn’t offended.”

“Pardon?”

“I said I wasn’t offended.”

“Uh…”

“It happens to athletes sometimes. Because the blood circulates when you exercise.”

“…”

“If you think about it, it’s my fault. I’m the one who touched you.”

Sunbae added. He even shrugged his shoulders as if to say it was true. But I’ve been an athlete for over 10 years too… I’ve never seen a case like that, except for the junior athletes. Seeing my confused face, sunbae chuckled again.

“I’m telling you, it’s true.”

“But.”

“It’s really true. Would I lie about something like that?”

Certainly, there was no reason for sunbae to do so. In that case. I gathered my courage and asked.

“Then have you… hyung, have you ever had that happen to you too?”

“Of course. Did I not tell you? When that happens, I go to the bathroom.”

“Really…?”

“Of course. I’ve gone dozens of times since you came to Jincheon.”

Sunbae laughed again. He had seemed to be in a bad mood just a minute ago, but now he was laughing. I awkwardly laughed along with him. Sunbae made it sound like such a trivial thing that I started to wonder if it really was. As if sensing my uncertainty, sunbae spoke again with emphasis. That it really was no big deal.

“If you doubt it, ask Song Seonho. The Song Seonho you like.”

“No… I believe you.”

I could not ask about something like that for fear of starting a rumor. I fumbled and nodded my head, saying I believed him. The corners of sunbae’s eyes crinkled. He confirmed with a full smile in his long eyes.

“So there’s nothing awkward between us now, right?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Just don’t avoid me.”

“…Yes.”

“And don’t pretend to be asleep. Wait for me and we’ll sleep together. No, I mean, train together. I’ll teach you my know-how.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s go back in. We have another interview to do.”

Sunbae, after patting my shoulder once, led the way.

The shoulder blades of the walking sunbae were prominent. His shoulders were broad, his waist was slim, and his legs were straight. It was the figure of the most skilled athlete in the Republic of Korea. The back of a national athlete. Not only his skills but also his ability to handle his juniors was at a national level. To think that the worries that had felt like a boulder just a moment ago could disappear like this. A little while ago, I was the man rolling a boulder in Greek mythology, but now I was a Gryffindor Quidditch player flying through the sky. So it really was nothing… I practically flew the short distance and came up next to sunbae.

“Is it really okay for you to teach me?”

For athletes, the know-how they have acquired through their own trials and errors is like their life.

“Yeah.”

“Thank you. I won’t tell anyone.”

“Even if a knife is at your throat?”

“Even if a knife is at your throat.”

“If a knife is at your throat, just tell them.”

“Yes…”

“By the way, is that a habit?”

“Pardon?”

“That ‘Pardon?’ thing.”

“Yes… is it strange?”

“No.”

“But, hyung…”

“What.”

“It’s not just Seonho I like. I like you too, hyung.”

“…Right…”

Leaving the reluctant-looking sunbae behind, I looked at the window. It could not be helped even if he was not pleased. Because it was my sincere feeling. The sky visible outside the window was high and clear. I saw the banner that had weighed down my shoulders on the first day I entered Jincheon.

‘Let’s not forget. I am a national athlete representing the Republic of Korea.’

Only countries that perform well in the World Cup can earn a spot in the Olympics. The maximum number of spots a country can get per event is three, and the maximum number of athletes who can compete is also three. The first World Cup event was approaching.