LLU 24

I tried to subtly change the subject, but I was ruthlessly cut off. Changing the topic any further was impossible. I chewed on my lip with a short sigh. I couldn’t tell the truth, so I had to come up with some flimsy excuse.

“…I got into a fight. In an alley… with some thugs.”

“What? Fuck, what kind of bastards? What school?”

Kim Junwoo’s eyes flashed fiercely. I hastily shook my head.

“Not from this neighborhood. When I went on a trip to Chuncheon… it happened then.”

“Crazy, does that even make sense? Why, in a place you don’t even know?”

“Just bad luck, I guess.”

“Ha… I’m speechless. How did it happen? Does your aunt know about this? Then again, there’s no way she wouldn’t know.”

I was at a loss for words. Kim Junwoo’s eyes were filled with strong conviction. I struggled to hide my heavy heart and spoke in a deliberately light tone.

“No. …Mom and I came back separately then, and my mom’s hospitalized right now… so she hasn’t seen my face. I didn’t tell her either because I thought she’d be shocked if she saw my face.”

“What? Wait a minute, what hospitalization?”

I briefly explained the situation to him as his eyes went wide. Fortunately, there were no serious issues with my mother’s or the baby’s well-being. I also asked him not to mention this, even if he heard from my mother.

When I was cooped up in a corner of my room, floundering in loneliness, I had wanted to tell my one and only trustworthy person everything. I had wanted to show him the dirty flesh inside me that was festering and rotting from not being able to tell anyone, and cry my eyes out.

But the moment I saw Kim Junwoo’s face, that desire solidified. How could I tell Kim Junwoo? How could I possibly tell him everything that had happened to me?

The reason I couldn’t tell him was clear. Kim Junwoo was someone who would react more passionately to my problems than to his own. I was afraid that in a fit of youthful recklessness, he might tell my mother the truth, or worse, go looking for Choi Junghan.

I had already experienced a crushing defeat after taking on Choi Junghan once. There was even a ridiculous moment when I had deluded myself into thinking I was sitting at an equal playing field with him. The misery of the aftermath is beyond words.

It was all excessive greed. A deluded thought. Trying to win against Choi Junghan who was crushing me, and thinking I could quietly live my own life after my mother remarried.

Choi Junghan was an invader in my life. A ruffian who had suddenly barged into my defenseless life and carelessly trampled and crushed my shabby but peaceful daily existence with his dress shoes.

At the same time, he was a predator. A heartless villain who enjoyed toying with people. Someone like me, who had nothing and was weak, couldn’t even face him, let alone win. No, I shouldn’t have faced him.

So, Kim Junwoo, of all people, must not get involved with him. Because this kid, just like me, has nothing and is weak. I had to solve my own problems. Not a single fragment from my misfortune should be allowed to hit Kim Junwoo.

“So don’t make a fuss. As it is, I was so embarrassed about getting beaten up that I couldn’t even go outside.”

“You bastard, you should have at least contacted me sooner then!”

“I didn’t because I knew you’d make a scene just like you are now. I was going to see you once my face healed as much as possible.”

Kim Junwoo couldn’t calm his anger for a while. I had to sit there in silence, listening to all sorts of curses coming out of his mouth until the chicken arrived.

As I blankly imagined the fictional thugs that Kim Junwoo was showering with all sorts of curses, I couldn’t help but recall the memory from a few days ago again. A memory like a sharp knife that, even though I had chewed on it over and over again until it was as dry as a flavorless piece of gum, still pierced my heart with the same depth.

“…It’s okay. Stop. It’s not like it’s a good memory. I just want to drink with you and get it all off my chest.”

I deliberately smiled at him as I opened a can of beer with cold droplets clinging to it. But the corners of my mouth wouldn’t go up, as if they were weighed down with lead. Seeing my weak smile, Kim Junwoo must have realized his mistake, as he finally stopped getting angry.

“Ha… I’m sorry. I’m just upset.”

“What’s there to be sorry about. I know. Let’s have a toast.”

The two beer cans clinked silently in the air.

“This is the first drink we’re having since becoming adults.”

“I know, right.”

“I’m glad I’m drinking with you, and not someone else.”

“…Why are you stating the obvious, you.”

He was being sincere. In response to my words, said with a faint smile, Kim Junwoo busily averted his gaze. Ahem, his ears were red as he cleared his throat.

I carefully took a sip of the cold, bitter liquid and swallowed it down my throat. It was the first time I had ever had a proper drink. Other than that one time in my third year of middle school, when I had a little bit of the beer my mother gave me.

Kim Junwoo always used to tease me, asking why I chain-smoked but didn’t drink. I think I always gave him the same answer. That I can’t study if I get drunk.

“Ugh…, it’s bitter.”

I shuddered involuntarily. Kim Junwoo chuckled.

“Are you a baby? For it to be bitter.”

“Look who’s acting tough. You can’t drink either.”

“Me? I’ve had a few drinks, at least. My dad gave me some.”

It was tasteless whether I held a small amount in my mouth and swallowed, or deliberately gulped down a lot at once. I don’t know why people pay money to drink this stuff. I put down the half-empty beer can with a grimace, and the doorbell rang.

“The chicken’s here.”

I tried to get up in a hurry, but Kim Junwoo was one step faster. He shot up from his seat and quickly moved to get the paper box containing the chicken.

With the beer and soju that Kim Junwoo had bought, and two whole chickens, it became quite a lavish dinner table. As I tore into the chicken, I poured out all the loneliness that had built up. Except for that one unspeakable incident.

As I did so, my heart felt as light as if it had been split in half, but at the same time, it grew increasingly desolate. The fact that the only two people in this world who knew what had happened to me were Choi Junghan and I felt unbearably heavy.

The emptier and sadder I felt, the more I talked and laughed. As I did, I could feel Kim Junwoo, who had been so angry and stiff at first, finally starting to relax.

Every time he looked at my wounds, his expression would harden slightly, but he didn’t mention it anymore. It was probably out of consideration for me.

Even as I kept saying it was tasteless, I sipped on both soju and beer. When Kim Junwoo said I would get drunk, I wasn’t too worried.

It’s my own home, anyway. It’s not like I’m going to sing loudly and make a racket. It’s just that my vision was shaking very slightly and I was laughing a little more than usual. And I was craving something sweet.

“I want some ice cream.”

At my mumbled words, Kim Junwoo immediately grabbed his wallet and phone and got up.

“I’ll go. What do you want to eat?”

“Ah, what are you talking about. We have to go together.”

When I shot up to follow him, Kim Junwoo shook his head.

“It’s fine, just stay here.”

“Let me get some fresh air too. I’ll wear a mask.”

Kim Junwoo didn’t try to stop the stubborn me any further. I put on my outerwear and walked out, shoulder to shoulder with Kim Junwoo, toward the convenience store. We bought a couple of ice creams and a chubby bottle of banana milk and came back out.

The cold night air cooled the heat on my face. My steps were a little unsteady because I was dizzy, but I felt good. Kim Junwoo was steadily supporting me as I staggered slightly.

So this is why people drink. A silly thought came to me. I closed my eyes and felt the winter chill. It was the first time I had felt such freshness in a week.

“Hey, Pioon.”

My steps slowed down. Kim Junwoo, who had been hesitating, stopped in the alley.

“Yeah.”

“…I have something to say.”

Watching the orange streetlight color his short hair, I blinked blankly. Kim Junwoo was making an expression I had never seen before. Or so I thought.

No… that’s not it.

A sudden sense of déjá vu hit me. A memory from several years ago suddenly surfaced and confronted me.

‘I have something to say.’

Kim Junwoo, who had been wearing his middle school uniform, had made the same expression and said the same words back then. With his fists clenched tightly like a child’s.

His gaze on me was filled with tension. His Adam’s apple, which was unusually prominent, bobbed up and down so noticeably that I could even see him gulping.

“…Will you listen.”

The Kim Junwoo of today is different from the naive boy who awkwardly confessed and couldn’t sit still back then. He had grown much taller, and the lines of his face and body had become thicker. But even though he had shed all of his boyishness, the temperature in his gaze toward me was the same then as it is now.

It was hot. The temperature of his gaze was so high it felt like a flame would leap across with a whoosh. There was no way I couldn’t know.

Kim Junwoo, right now, to me…

“…What.”

What are you trying to say with such a serious tone? I tried to brush it off lightly with a laugh, as usual.

But the alcohol I had downed for the first time had churned up all the organs inside me at will. My heavy tongue managed to utter only those words before faltering. I blinked my eyelids slowly and stared at him blankly. Other than that, I couldn’t make any rash movements.

“…It’s just. I don’t know. It’s just, today, I felt like I had to… tell you.”

“……”

“Before you get busy with college… and meet a lot of other people… and so, before you forget me…”

He began to speak with difficulty, his lips moving hesitantly. His feelings, which began to take shape as words, were so heavy that it was more akin to vomiting them out.

Because I had anticipated this situation for a very long time, I was able to accept it rather calmly. What I felt more clearly than bewilderment was a sense of pity.

Because I have to reject this kid. I have to hurt my friend, who came to comfort me, once again.

He had been patient for a long time. He had been considerate of me all these years. Even as he moaned with a fever that showed no signs of breaking, he had desperately hidden his own lovesickness. That’s why I didn’t hate or resent him for trying to express the feelings he had harbored.

Can liking someone be wrong? At the very least, I was certain that Kim Junwoo’s feelings for me were not a sin.

However, his feelings were something I could not accept. From the past until now, and forevermore in the future. I have never seen Kim Junwoo as anything more or less than a friend, and I never will. That was a fact that would never change, no matter how affectionately he treated me.

Kim Junwoo, who had been continuing his words with difficulty, closed his mouth. He clenched and unclenched his fists, his face contorted. The silence he created was like the panting of a wounded animal.

After staring at me with a gaze that was hot but wavering the whole time, he finally let out a mournful sigh.

“…No, never mind.”

He muttered quietly, his face twisted in anguish. His downcast, lonely gaze was heart-wrenchingly pitiful.

“…I just, …I’m not going to say it.”

“……”

“I’m scared.”

What it was he was going to say, what it was that was scary. He didn’t explain anything, but there was no need to ask. I felt like I knew all too well the feelings he had swallowed without being able to put them into words.

He closed the distance in a single stride. Kim Junwoo’s warm hand gently cupped my face. The moment I slowly lifted my gaze towards him, he took another step closer. We were close enough for our shoulders to touch.

Kim Junwoo lowered his head. Soon, his lips descended on my forehead.

“……”

My heart jolted. Kim Junwoo’s lips, touching my skin that had been frozen cold, were hot. Just like his gaze. So hot that I was completely frozen by the temperature. I couldn’t bring myself to push him away and retreat.

“…Sorry.”