Vol 4 Ch 9

Though I spent most of my days at the hospital, I always returned home at night after switching shifts with the caregiver.

The house was devoid of warmth, offering me no comfort. But still… I kept coming back.

Perhaps—just perhaps—CEO Jang might return.

Four days had passed without sleep. My body, at its limit, finally succumbed when I sat on the couch.

As expected, the nightmares came.

Tossing and turning, I clawed at the sheets with trembling fingers, searching for something—someone.

But all I found was cold emptiness.

I woke up drenched in sweat.

“…Haa!”

My eyes flew open to pitch-black darkness. The silence was suffocating. This was a world of complete solitude.

I curled up, hugging myself tightly.

But no matter how much I held onto myself, the emptiness in my chest remained.

This wasn’t enough.

My body still remembered his embrace.

Gripping my watch, I glanced at the time.

3 a.m.

He wasn’t coming tonight either.

“……”

…The man who used to hold me was gone.

“…Ah.”

Like lightning striking out of nowhere—like a lightbulb flickering on for the first time—

I suddenly realized.

The nightmares weren’t worse because I had moved houses.

It was because he was no longer here.

“…Hic.”

Dead skin settled, and a sob escaped through my dry lips. He wasn’t by my side, and I was anxious. And finally, I admitted it.

That I missed him.

“……”

The moment I realized it, the time I had spent denying him struck me mercilessly. Like a landslide, it crumbled and crushed me. The emotions I had been pressing down with both hands surged up, spilling out of my chest.

There had been time. Time to say that the words cursing him to be miserable weren’t sincere. I sobbed in belated regret. Hic, hhk. A sharp pain stabbed inside my ribcage, and I clutched the spot.

Behind my closed eyelids, the face of the man who had poured out his emotions in turmoil flickered. Even he didn’t seem to fully understand why he was acting that way, why he was pushing me into a corner. He had simply lashed out, demanding that I bare my emotions.

I was confused because I couldn’t grasp my own emotions, and he was frustrated because he couldn’t grasp me. And in that incomplete state, we ended up separated. Now, all I could do alone was creak and fall apart like this.

“……”

I was going crazy with worry for the man who had left. …Unbelievably, I missed him—the man who had cornered me, demanding I lay my emotions bare.

In the darkness where even my clenched fists were invisible, I wept alone. A bookshelf stood to the side, silently watching over me.

***

I had to go to the hospital again today. But from wiping my eyes with the back of my hand all night, they had swollen terribly. To cover my red, puffy eyelids, I washed my face repeatedly with cold water from the morning. Only after scrubbing my face several times with water so cold it felt like it would tear my skin did I follow Kim Joongdeok. When I deliberately avoided looking at him, Kim Joongdeok silently got into the driver’s seat.

“The fruits are really big and plump.”

That was my mother’s comment when she saw the fruit basket Kim Joongdeok had sent with me. Sitting side by side on the bed, my mother and I spent time peeling and eating peaches. I removed the skin and cut the flesh into pieces smaller than bite-sized. Picking up one, I placed it in my mother’s mouth.

“When I was pregnant with you, Yeowon, I craved peaches so much.”

My mother reached out and stroked my cheek. Her voice, recalling the past, gradually slowed.

“But when I finally had you, you were this fair-skinned baby with only your cheeks flushed red.”

Tears welled up in her deeply set eyes.

“The little one who fit snugly in my arms… when did you grow up like this?”

My mother’s body was so thin that her hospital gown hung loosely around her. I curled up as much as I could and nestled into her arms, then brought out the bankbook I had been keeping safe. Seeing it in my hands, my mother let out a small gasp.

“Oh, you found it.”

She slowly flipped through the pages, lost in thought. I sat beside her, sharing in her sentiment. She traced over the records she had left for me with her eyes, then gently stroked the back of my head.

At the hospital, meals were served at set times. My mother insisted she wouldn’t eat a single spoonful unless I did. With no other choice, I fed her spoonfuls of porridge while slowly eating my own portion.

Even with soft porridge, my mother struggled to swallow, frequently spilling it. I carefully wiped her lips with a tissue. Only after she had finished her meal did we take a short walk to aid digestion.

As we quietly chatted and enjoyed our stroll, we were about to head back to the hospital room when—

“……!”

My gaze caught onto someone. A man, taller than most, dressed in dark clothing. I froze in place while pushing the wheelchair.

“…Yeowon?”

My mother looked at me curiously. Telling her to wait for a moment, I quickly started walking.

“Oh, Mom. Just a second. I’ll be right back.”

I ran after the man. The distance was considerable, so I sprinted as fast as I could, afraid I might lose sight of him. Huff, huff… I pushed through the crowd crossing the street. Because of his towering height, it wasn’t hard to spot him. I reached out and grabbed his arm. The man turned his head sharply toward me.

“…Ah.”

It was someone completely different from who I had expected.

Quickly letting go of his arm, I bowed my head and apologized. The man gave me a look, as if he had seen all sorts of strange people, and then continued walking. I stood there blankly, watching his back grow distant. My hand, the one that had grabbed him, slowly dropped to my side.

Dragging my feet, I returned to the hospital. At the entrance, my mother looked at me worriedly and asked if something had happened. I forced a smile.

“…Ah, sorry.”

“Is something wrong?”

Shaking my head, I denied it. But my mother, unable to erase the concern from her face, continued to watch me. To reassure her, I added,

“I just saw someone who looked like someone I know.”

Then, grasping the wheelchair handles, I headed back to the hospital room. Despite how light my mother’s weight was in the chair, my steps felt unbearably heavy.

…Now, the man surfaced inside me at any time and place, without warning. Whether I was at home waiting for him, in the car heading to the hospital, or just moments ago, sitting beside my mother.

“……”

A mix of emotions surged over me, suffocating me with fear. I was overwhelmed with guilt for dragging CEO Jang into a complicated mess, yet helpless because there was nothing I could do.

Among the jumble of emotions, the largest piece of the pie was anxiety. I wondered, dozens of times a day, if CEO Jang still wanted to keep me by his side. He must be in a difficult situation because of me. He was a man who never made losing bets, yet when it came to me, he always made exceptions. And this time, the stakes were high.

“……”

Before, the way he tried to bind me to him had terrified me to no end. But now, I was afraid—terrified—that he might not seek me out anymore.

I missed him.

Once I admitted it, I could no longer escape the thought.

***

There was no warmth in anything at home. Except for one thing.

I didn’t even think to reach out my hand like before. I just stared at the bookshelf.

Suddenly, a book caught my eye. Now that I looked, all the books were properly placed, except for that one, which was upside down.

“……”

The title was oddly familiar.

It was the book I had been reading to pass the time before CEO Jang started coming to my place.

When he saw me reading it, he had brought an entire bookshelf for me the next day.

Which meant… this book originally belonged on his shelf.

All this time, I had only watched it from a distance, never thinking to take it out.

As if possessed, I slowly reached my hand toward the book.

I lifted the book with my index finger and grasped it in my hand. Maybe it was just my imagination, but it felt slightly heavier than before. Carefully, I began flipping through the pages.

Rustle, rustle.

The pages turned smoothly in my hand.

“…….”

Just as I was about to turn to the next page, something tucked inside like a bookmark scattered onto the floor with a rustling sound.

Startled, I instinctively stepped back. What had fluttered down were photographs, scattered all over the floor.

…What is this?

Blinking in confusion, I reached out and picked up one of the photos for a closer look. Pale-colored hair, a white face, and eyes gazing downward in a strangely subdued manner—the man in the photo was undeniably me. Each rectangular frame, large or small, contained images of me.

“…….”

I traced the photos with my fingertips, one by one.

Regardless of time or place, every single photo was filled with only me.

…Me stepping out of the house and getting into a car.
Me heading to the hospital.
Me taking a walk with my mother.
Me curled up alone in the house.

I turned over the ones that were face-down.

In the last photo, I was smiling—just a little. Though no one was in the frame with me, it wasn’t hard to guess that the person I was smiling at was my mother.

“……Ha.”

A hollow laugh escaped me.

That lunatic had made sure I knew he had been watching me like this. It was so like him that I was momentarily at a loss for words.

He hadn’t cared about anyone else; the lens had been fixed solely in one direction. Unwavering, obsessively persistent.

Photos of only me.

From them, I could feel his gaze—one that had reached me without my knowing.

While I had been suffering from his absence, he had been suffering from mine as well.

Strangely, that realization was comforting.

It soothed the parts of me that had been drying up and withering away.

I sat there for a long time, absentmindedly running my fingers over the photographs.