Vol 3 Ch 4

When I got home, I couldn’t sit still. I paced around the same spot over and over, chewing on my thumb through the glove. I traced every corner of the room, aimlessly wandering.

My uncle was a man who cared for no one but himself. He was selfish and heartless. Blood ties or not, he wasn’t someone who’d go through the trouble of moving someone who couldn’t even move or regain consciousness.

…So did he run away? From what?

 Debt? To be precise, that was my father’s debt.

 If he was going to run, he would have bled me dry for more money under the pretense of repaying it. He wasn’t the type to simply disappear.

“…….”

 Then what could it be?

My heart, no larger than a fist, raced restlessly inside my ribcage, pressing against my organs and nerves. Even focusing all my thoughts in one place wasn’t enough—my mind scattered in all directions.

The pale face of my mother, barely sustained by the ventilator, kept overlaying itself before my eyes.

Where on earth did my uncle take my frail mother? If he had dumped her at home after saying he was transferring her to a bigger hospital… what then? Would she… would she still be okay? The uneasy thoughts spread in my mind like mold, growing uncontrollably.

With my only contact—my uncle—cut off, there was only one way left to find out where my mother was. I had to go back to my hometown.

Going back there meant setting foot into the past I’d buried and left behind. But there was no other choice. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists tightly.

Alright. I’ll go. Just for a short while—just a very short while. I’ll slip in unnoticed, leave without anyone seeing me, and get back in time for work the day after tomorrow.

It felt like the warmth of my mother’s pale, thin hands lingered in the tight grip of my fist.

***

Not a single ray of light could be felt. Even with my eyelids shut, I could tell it was still early dawn. With dry, gritty eyes, I checked the wall clock. The big hand was close to the number ‘5.’

Once again, I hadn’t slept a wink.

 “…Phew.”

 I lifted my upper body from the bedding and buried my face deep into my palms. I stayed like that for about two minutes before the alarm began to clang loudly. It was now 5 o’clock. Stretching out my hand, I pressed down on the top of the clock and sprang out of bed.

I headed for the wardrobe, unlocking it one latch at a time before taking out the bundle from inside and placing it into a bag.

I pulled my hat low until it covered my nose and slipped on some work gloves to hide the scars on my hands. In the mirror attached to the wall, I could see my reflection. I looked, quite frankly, like a mess.

Before the earth, still frozen solid, had even awakened from its slumber, I left the house with my face and body fully bundled up. Whoosh—the sharp dawn wind pierced through me. It felt as if it would slice my ears right off.

“……”

Every step forward felt heavy. Though the wind blew from behind, as if pushing me ahead, I walked as slowly as if I were fighting against a headwind.

I was returning to that house after nearly a year. The rickety shack, teetering on a slope. Just picturing it in my mind made my chest ache, pounding wildly. Thump, thump. It felt as though someone were beating on my chest like a giant drum. What kind of premonition was this unease?

I tensed my neck and clenched my fists tightly. I tried not to look back at the village I had already left behind. I’d never formed an attachment there, nor did I have anywhere to tie one. Still, it had been a place that managed to hide my body.

Like a chant, I muttered to myself. I’ll just come back. All I have to do is find out where Mom is and come back. Don’t be anxious. Nothing ruins things more than useless worrying.

I walked along the winding road toward the pier. In the distance, I began to see the horizon. The sky remained gloomy, still dark. There was some time left before sunrise. I marched briskly toward the inky black sea.

Crunch, crunch. My steps broke through the frozen ground as I moved forward.

***

After buying a ticket at the booth, I entered the arched terminal entrance. Once I passed through the long corridor, the dawn sea stretched out before me.

This place had none of the liveliness typical of ports. The sea was littered with floating chunks of ice. A few shabby boats drifted on the surface, while the handful of people wandering about had fatigue written all over their faces. It was nothing but a place of stillness.

I searched for the boat I was to take. With fewer than ten boats moored there, it didn’t take long to find it. Yet, I hesitated to board and lingered in front of it. A man, freely moving across the rocking vessel, called out to me.

 “Getting on?”

Looking at his face, I recognized him as the captain I’d seen a season ago—the one who had brought me to this island. I handed him the ticket I was clutching tightly in my hand.

 “…Yes.”

He took the ticket and quickly scanned the information written on it. Then he handed it back to me.

 “Get on quickly. We’re leaving soon.”

Taking the ticket, I climbed onto the boat. I curled my body up and entered the cabin, taking a seat. There were only a couple of passengers: someone who seemed to be leaving to find work, and me.

The boat let out a deep hum as it began pulling away from the pier. It would take at least six hours to reach the mainland. I wished I could close my eyes and rest, even briefly. But I couldn’t.

Only when it felt like we’d left the island far behind did I glance back through the window. It had already shrunk to the size of a fist. From this distance, the months I had spent there felt like nothing but a dream.

Staring at the island, now turning into a mere dot, I silently asked myself once again.
Will I be able to come back?

Ripples quickly spread inside me. My eyes grew hot, and my nose stung. I calmed the turbulent feelings with a cold resolve—of course, I would come back.

“……”

Reluctantly, I tore my gaze from the island and fixed it on the far-off horizon. It seemed the sun was about to rise, as red light slowly began to bleed across the sky.

…And so, about six hours passed.

When the sun stood highest in the sky, when the seasickness grew so overwhelming I thought I might die, the boat finally reached the mainland.

Before stepping out of the cabin, I pulled my hat even lower. It was to avoid accidentally meeting anyone’s eyes.

I purchased a pair of brown cotton gloves at a small, shabby clothing store nearby, then walked to the bus terminal. The journey to my house would take another half a day. I had to hurry to ensure I returned by tomorrow night. After all, I needed to show up at the worksite the day after tomorrow without issue.

Before boarding the bus, I confirmed the name of my hometown written on a sign above the front windshield. Seeing it made the reality hit me hard. The place where I was born and raised. I was truly heading back there. With heavy, leaden steps, I climbed onto the bus.

After sitting down, I drew the curtains to block out the sunlight. It had been dawn when I left home, but now it was midday.

The bus driver did a headcount before returning to his seat.

 “…We’re departing now. Please fasten your seatbelts.”

Vroom—the bus rumbled and soon began moving. The deep sigh I had held in since last night escaped me all at once. Hoo. Darkness seemed to close in on my vision, and I leaned my head back against the seat’s headrest, closing my eyes.

“……”

Perhaps it was due to extreme tension, but I dozed off, nodding my head back and forth. My stiffened body seemed to have activated its own defense mechanism. The problem was, I couldn’t sleep soundly—I only dozed fitfully.

A woman’s voice woke me from my light slumber.

 “Passengers, we’ll soon be stopping at our destination. Please check for any belongings you may have left behind….”

I was suddenly wide awake. I threw open the curtains and scanned outside the window. A faded, grimy terminal stood at the center, surrounded by small shops packed tightly together.

“…Ah.”

It really was my hometown. After stepping off the bus, I stood there for a while, looking around.

Instead of the salty wind I remembered, the scent of phytoncide filled my lungs. As if hypnotized, I stood there until I spotted a taxi passing by. Quickly raising my hand, I flagged it down.

The taxi stopped just past me. I hurried over and climbed into the back seat. The driver looked at me through the rearview mirror, and I instinctively pressed my hat brim lower. Pretending to gaze outside, I glued my face to the window, which was safely in the mirror’s blind spot.

“To Jeil Hospital, please.”

The driver started the car.

The nurse had said my mother had already been transferred, but I still held onto a sliver of hope. Maybe there had been some mistake. I needed to see for myself.

Outside the window, the scenery raced past, overlapping with old memories engraved deep into my retinas.

About thirty minutes later, the taxi arrived at the general hospital in the town center. After paying the fare, I stepped out and looked up at the hospital in front of me.

The hospital painted in white mixed with gray. Although it was said to be the largest hospital in the village, the cracks scattered here and there revealed its age. Pulling my hat deeper down once more, I entered through the entrance.

 “…….”

 White walls, gray-tinted floors. Even the faint, hospital-specific smell of disinfectant brushing against my nose. It was all exactly as I remembered.

If, by any chance, someone inside recognized me, there would be no greater disaster. I kept my gaze fixed on the ground as I quickly passed the front desk. I got into the elevator and headed straight for the hospital room. I had been in and out of this place almost daily for about two months, so I didn’t need to ask to remember the room number.

Mom had been in the ICU here for about a month before being moved to a general ward. I thought she was moved because her condition was improving, but I later learned that everyone went through the same process. Mom had remained lying down, her face half-covered by a fist-sized respirator.

 “…….”

 Keeping my gaze on the floor, I briskly walked down the cold and empty corridor. The door to the room where Mom had stayed gradually came into view.

I finally stood before the hospital room. I scanned the names on the tags attached to the upper part of the door.

 Nothing. Mom’s name wasn’t there. Where her name had once been, someone else’s name was now written. At that moment, the door to the hospital room opened. Startled, I quickly stepped back. Keeping my head down, I felt the person leaving glance at me curiously before disappearing.

After hesitating, I quickly peeked inside through the open door. The spot where Mom had been lying… there was now a man I had never seen before.

Thinking about it, maybe my memory was wrong.

 I checked all the name tags in front of the hospital rooms in the corridor. Still nothing. I went downstairs, checked the floor below, then another floor. After checking every single room in the hospital, I finally stopped walking.

Nothing. The nurse seemed to have been right—Mom was no longer here.

There was only one place left to check now.

 …That shack.