Vol 1 Ch 17

He shouldn’t have said “the worst” so easily.

 

Even when he arrived at the mansion and entered the study under Secretary Kang’s cold glare, Kim Jinkyung was sure that there couldn’t be anything worse.

 

But.

 

“Take it off.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Your pants, take them off.”

 

“Why!”

 

Clutching his bag, Kim Jinkyung looked up at the man who was trying to take off his pants out of the blue.

 

“I need to check the wound.”

 

“It’s healed!”

 

“Well, it must be all healed, since you were too busy doing that with a guy to skip tutoring.”

 

“No, I didn’t do that, it’s just….”

 

“Just take it off. I need to check.”

 

Mok Seongha was persistent. Kim Jinkyung had no choice but to unbuckle his belt and lower his pants. Mok Seongha thoroughly checked Kim Jinkyung’s thighs before letting him go.

 

“If there’s anywhere else I missed…. What.”

 

“…….”

 

Kim Jinkyung, whose eyes were red and watery, suppressed his tears and pulled up his pants, saying, “It’s nothing.”

 

“Are you crying? Why?”

 

He had a look of complete incomprehension. Kim Jinkyung roughly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

 

“I’ll start the lesson.”

 

It was the worst. This was really the worst.

 

Kim Jinkyung packed his bag and walked to the desk.

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

Mok Seongha followed and asked.

 

“…Did you do your homework?”

 

Kim Jinkyung changed the subject. He took out the handout he had given him before and slammed it on the desk. Mok Seongha asked again.

 

“I’m asking why you’re crying.”

 

“…Because I’m pathetic.”

 

Kim Jinkyung covered his face with both hands and answered. After answering, he really felt pathetic.

 

At this age, he was scared of a younger man and took off his pants himself, panicked over a medical procedure performed without any ulterior motive and ruined his exams, cried like a baby because he was scared, and most of all….

 

“You’ve always been pathetic.”

 

A man who called that comfort….

 

“…I’m more pathetic than I thought.”

 

Kim Jinkyung covered his face with both hands and began to cry, burying his head on the desk. Could a human be this pathetic? Even if it was an easy emotion, he should have been more selective about who he showed it to. A selectively reclusive crazy bastard who turned into a black leopard when wet….

 

“Why are you crying over something like that now? It’s pointless.”

 

It really was pointless. After all, it was an emotion that would end before the other person even noticed.

 

But why did he have to….

 

“Don’t cry. Just solve the problems.”

 

“…Yes.”

 

Kim Jinkyung roughly wiped away his tears and looked up. Mok Seongha pulled out a tissue and handed it to Kim Jinkyung. Kim Jinkyung burst into tears again.

 

“I told you to solve the problems.”

 

“…….”

 

Psychopath leopard bastard.

 

Kim Jinkyung cursed the man who had shown him unnecessary kindness as he wiped away his tears with the tissue.

 

And so, the harmless unrequited love began.

 

***

 

He first heard the word “ttibussil” during a conversation with his elementary school-aged nephew.

 

‘Ttibussil? What’s that?’

 

His nephew showed him a sticker that came with bread and proudly boasted that it wasn’t a normal sticker, but one that could be repeatedly peeled off and stuck on.

 

He wondered if it should be called “ttebussil” instead of “ttibussil,” and kept the word in his memory.

 

After repeating several unrequited loves, Kim Jinkyung thought of ttibussil. His unrequited loves were like ttibussil, sticking and falling off easily. There was little physical resistance when sticking or falling off. In other words, it was easy and comfortable.

 

The first time he felt this easy and comfortable feeling was around the second year of middle school. He was reading a book about Dante in the library when he saw a painting by William-Adolphe Bouguereau. The dynamic depiction of two men intertwined in hell was quite shocking to the young boy. Kim Jinkyung felt as if he had been struck by lightning and stared at the painting for a long time without turning the page.

 

Even after returning home, the painting came to mind, and he thought about the painting even after going to bed. Eventually, Kim Jinkyung borrowed the book again the next day and looked for Bouguereau’s painting that he had seen the day before. He went to the library every day like he was getting a stamp, looking at the same book. He eventually saved up his allowance and bought the book, and then stopped going to the library.

 

He didn’t have strange feelings or sexual urges when he looked at the painting, but looking back, the person in the painting was no different from his first love. He looked at it every day and thought about it every day at the time.

 

The feeling moved to a real person around the third year of middle school. It was a senior in the sports club who rode the same bus, whom he had never spoken to. It started when the senior kindly told Kim Jinkyung to put his bag on his lap in the crowded bus. The one-sided love ended naturally when the senior, whom he only knew by name, graduated from school.

 

The next unrequited love lasted quite a long time. He liked Seo Sang-il, a classmate in the first year of high school, until he graduated in the third year. The long unrequited love ended on the day Seo Sang-il introduced him to his girlfriend.

 

‘Hey. I’m dating Ayeon Noona from today.’

 

He wasn’t particularly shocked or sad when he heard those words. The two of them looked good together, and he knew they would date someday. There was a code of ethics in unrequited love, so it was natural to give up on someone who had a lover.

 

After putting an end to the long three-year unrequited love, Kim Jinkyung met Go Jinyoung at the freshman orientation.

 

‘Are you okay?’

 

It was perhaps a natural result that he fell in love at first sight with the handsome Sunbae who handed him a hangover cure with a worried expression. Unlike the beautiful first meeting, the end of the unrequited love came fiercely, like a hay fever patient’s sneeze in the spring.

 

‘You look so nice and upright. Do you have a twin sister? An older sister? A cousin? A cousin is fine too. Oh, I can’t do minors. Then you can introduce me when they become adults.’

 

He was so overwhelmed by the endless talk about women that he was almost dizzy. The unrequited love that started late at night ended exactly around the afternoon of the next day. It was a natural extinction, like the dinosaurs disappearing from the earth.

 

After that, small unrequited loves continued. A nameless student who picked up his pen in the lecture hall, a convenience store worker who told him about a buy-one-get-one-free event, etc.

 

The feelings that could be easily peeled off and stuck on like ttibussil freely roamed in his brain. No sticky residue was left behind even after peeling them off and sticking them on.

 

Since he didn’t want anything and didn’t show it, the other person didn’t even notice.

 

No, in the first place, there wasn’t even anyone who knew that Kim Jinkyung’s romantic interest was “men.”

 

But this time it was different.

 

Mok Seongha was aware that Kim Jinkyung liked men. He even heard about it at their first meeting and asked what it had to do with him. He clearly drew a line, saying that he wouldn’t be Kim Jinkyung’s romantic interest.

 

For Kim Jinkyung, the possibility of unrequited love was like Schrödinger’s cat explaining quantum mechanics.

 

If you put a cat and poison in a box together, you can say that the cat is in a superposition of being alive and dead before you open the box to check. Of course, this superposition is maintained until you open the box, that is, until you confess.

 

This unrequited love was no different from receiving a dead cat as a gift before it even started.

 

A very black and large one at that.

 

On the day he realized his feelings, Kim Jinkyung covered himself with a blanket and enjoyed the self-loathing for opening the curtain of unrequited love despite everything.

 

Was he really an idiot, a pushover, and a fool, as Mok Seongha said?

 

What’s the point of being handsome, tall, having a good physique, and being incredibly rich? He was a human who might bury him if he did something wrong, could turn into a leopard and bite him to death if he didn’t like something, and might have Secretary Kang drown him in the sea. Besides, what kind of guy in the world would take off your pants and lick your thigh to treat a wound!

 

…It was all healed cleanly, though.

 

No. Get a grip. It’s just a dead cat anyway. Right. If they live in the same house, he’ll definitely see all the bad sides of the cat and fall out of love. He’ll definitely fall out of love soon. His unrequited love is easy and simple, after all.

 

Kim Jinkyung, who barely managed to achieve mental victory, suddenly felt thirsty and came outside.

 

“…….”

 

“What.”

 

Mok Seongha, who was drinking water shirtless, noticed someone and turned his head.

 

“…Did you shower?”

 

“Yeah. After working out.”

 

Kim Jinkyung glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. A nocturnal black panther was extremely bad for the mental health of a person in unrequited love.

 

“It’s good to sleep early. You need to practice keeping your brain awake in the morning. That way, when you take the test…”

 

Kim Jinkyung, who was deliberately averting his gaze and rambling on, gasped when an arm suddenly came close to his face.

 

“What time?”

 

Mok Seongha refilled his water from the purifier. Kim Jinkyung moved aside a little.

 

“M-Me? I usually go to bed around eleven at the latest…”

 

“No, not you, me.”

 

“Go to bed before midnight. And work out in the morning. If you work out too late, you might not be able to sleep.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Mok Seongha put the empty cup in the sink. Kim Jinkyung bowed his head and turned around.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Aren’t you going to drink water?”

 

“Oh, …yes.”

 

Only then did Kim Jinkyung remember that he had come out to drink water.

 

“Cup…”

 

Kim Jinkyung looked around for a cup, but Mok Seongha took one out and handed it to him. …This is annoying. Why is he being so unnecessarily and trivially kind?

 

It makes his heart flutter.

 

Kim Jinkyung muttered a small “Thank you,” and poured water from the purifier. Cold water filled the glass cup with a trickle. Mok Seongha stood leaning with his arms crossed, watching Kim Jinkyung get water.

 

“Why are you doing that?”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Are you going to drink more water?”

 

“No.”

 

“…….”

 

Then why isn’t he going in?

 

“Aren’t you drinking?”

 

Mok Seongha asked. Kim Jinkyung turned and gulped down the water. It wasn’t like he was drinking alcohol in front of an adult, but he was strangely nervous. After he finished drinking the water, Mok Seongha took Kim Jinkyung’s cup. Then he refilled it with water from the purifier and handed it back.

 

“Drink.”

 

“Yes?”

 

Kim Jinkyung stared wide-eyed, looking back and forth between the water cup and Mok Seongha.

 

“You said you get thirsty when you see a man. Drink.”

 

Since it was a grave he had dug himself, Kim Jinkyung obediently took the water and drank it. Even after emptying the second cup, Mok Seongha didn’t leave.

 

“Drink.”

 

“…….”

 

Mok Seongha poured more water into the cup and handed it over. At this point, he wondered if he was being tormented. Did he perhaps realize that he liked him, and was trying to kill him by filling him with water…?

 

Kim Jinkyung glanced at Mok Seongha as he drank the water. A straight nose, sparkling golden eyes. …Unmistakably the eyes of a cat observing something interesting.

 

Kim Jinkyung put down the cup.

 

“Not drinking any more?”

 

“I’m okay now.”

 

“Really? That’s too bad.”

 

“…What is?”

 

“You drinking water. It’s fun to watch. Is it because your throat is narrow? It’s moving up and down here.”

 

Mok Seongha pointed to his Adam’s apple. The neck muscles leading from his jaw to his collarbone became more pronounced with every movement he made. Sweat trickled down the tightly clenched muscles.

 

Kim Jinkyung made an effort to avert his gaze and began to ramble on.

 

“Throat sizes are all about the same. There probably isn’t a big difference between people. Probably, I’m not sure… Oh, and like I said before, it would be good to organize memorization subjects while listening to online lectures, and just tell me separately about the parts you don’t understand.”

 

“Hey.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Are you still pathetic?”

 

At first, Kim Jinkyung didn’t understand what he was saying and blinked a few times. Then he remembered the nonsense he had spouted earlier, and his face flushed.

 

“…I think I’ll be pathetic all the time.”

 

He’ll be pathetic all the time. He needs to find something to dislike, but he’s just staring at that body with those solid muscles.

 

“Why pathetic?”

 

Kim Jinkyung raised his head at Mok Seongha’s question. Their eyes met. He wasn’t teasing or mocking him. He was genuinely curious.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

Kim Jinkyung lowered his head.

 

If he ends this unrequited love quickly, will he be less pathetic?

 

“…I failed the test.”

 

He chose the most plausible reason in reality.

 

“So that’s why you slept with a man?”

 

“…….”

 

Why is that the conclusion…?

 

“I didn’t sleep with him. I slept, but… I only slept.”

 

“Oh, really. Of course, you only slept.”

 

Mok Seongha echoed in a voice that didn’t feel even a speck of sincerity. Kim Jinkyung was burning with anger inside, but since it was a grave he had dug himself, he quietly folded his hands at the gravesite and lay down.

 

“Anyway, …that’s it.”

 

Kim Jinkyung muttered in a weak voice.

 

He found a reason to be pathetic and said it, but after saying it, he felt even more pathetic. He didn’t even want to imagine what the score on the test he took while unconscious would be.

 

“What if a college student doesn’t do well on a test?”

 

“College students also get report cards. If you have good grades, you get scholarships and get a good job.”

 

“Are you that short on money?”

 

“It’s not that I don’t have money, but… I have to get a scholarship.”

 

He needed to get a scholarship to earn time to study, and he needed good grades to worry less about getting a job. It was an eternal truth.

 

“Tell Secretary Kang to register you as a foundation scholar. I’ll pay your tuition until you graduate.”

 

“No. I’m okay.”

 

Kim Jinkyung refused firmly.

 

His connection with Mok Seongha was only until the college entrance exam. His duty was to get him into a good university.

 

Of course, he couldn’t guarantee what would happen to his heart after that, but he didn’t want to continue the relationship with a scholarship or anything like that.

To begin with, he’d been handed a dead cat. …For something like a ttibussil to leave a mark was more than he wanted.

“Once the CSAT is over, things usually end with your private tutor anyway. Haha.”

Kim Jinkyung said it with a laugh.

Considering the scenario where Seongha entered college straight away without retaking the exam, it was the most elegant ending possible. He expected the usual indifferent “Yeah” from Mok Seongha but even after a long moment, only a cold silence lingered.

Still smiling awkwardly, Kim Jinkyung lifted his head. Mok Seongha was standing there with a blank expression, unreadable.

“Ha ha…”

Kim Jinkyung scratched his cheek.

Did I say something wrong?

“…If you get good grades, then that’s the end of it?”

Mok Seongha still didn’t smile. His cold, gold-colored eyes merely looked down at Kim Jinkyung.

“And if you don’t get good grades… then am I finished?”

When the frightened Kim Jinkyung asked, Mok Seongha replied, Yeah.

“Finished.”

“…….”

“So make sure I pass. No matter what.”

“Yes.”

Kim Jinkyung clasped his hands together and answered politely. Mok Seongha walked past him. In the quiet corridor, the sound of his footsteps echoed.

“And you.”

“…Yes?”

“The reason I licked you until my tongue went slack, it was so you’d teach me to study. Not so you’d be good at sex.”

“…….”

“If you skip tutoring one more time because of that kind of thing—”

Mok Seongha’s lips curled upward slightly. Sharp canine teeth showed. It felt like, if he bit into a neck, an artery would tear and blood would come pouring out.

Hot blood seemed to churn and sink beneath Kim Jinkyung’s heart.

“You’ll die.”

“…….”

…I didn’t do it.

His throat tightened with indignation, but since it was true that he had skipped tutoring, Kim Jinkyung had no choice but to nod.

Having gotten his answer, Mok Seongha returned to his room wearing the satisfied expression of a well-fed cat.