MBL 19

“I was too… filthy, wasn’t I?”

Not only did he go too far, but in the end, he fell asleep with his organ still inside his younger brother. The feeling of being connected as one overwhelmed Joonwon’s heart with a poignant ache.

“Last night, I don’t think I was in my right mind. I couldn’t think at all, so…”

“…….”

Hurriedly making excuses for losing his rationality last night, he ran his hand through his disheveled hair and met his younger brother’s eyes.

The clear, bright eyes staring straight at him.

Because Joonyoung followed him so devotedly as a younger brother, a devastating memory from a day when it drove him nearly mad flooded his consciousness in an instant. Joonyoung, who had just been staring with round eyes, asked.

“Are you in your right mind now?”

“What?”

“Are you in your right mind now, hyung?”

“…I think so. Probably. Maybe.”

Joonwon felt both out of his mind and as if nothing was different from usual. It was the day after he had done something with his younger brother that he shouldn’t have. It wasn’t easy to calmly assess his own state.

“Heat up the porridge for me. I’m hungry, so I want to eat first and then talk.”

“Talk about what?”

Joonyoung, awkwardly getting up from the bed, staggered into the bathroom.

“What do you want to talk about?”

“Later.”

Without answering what he wanted to talk about, he closed the bathroom door. Soon, the faint sound of water dripping from the faucet echoed.

Joonwon stared at the bed where his younger brother had been for a while before turning away.

He warmed up the vegetable porridge Joonyoung liked and set it on the table with a few side dishes. Joonyoung, having finished washing, came out drying his wet hair with a towel. Sitting at the table where Joonwon was preparing a late breakfast, he asked.

“When did you go out? I didn’t hear anything.”

“This morning, as soon as the store opened.”

“Guess I was the only one exhausted. Aren’t you tired, hyung?”

“…Not really.”

Joonwon felt a bit embarrassed, as it seemed Joonyoung was asking if he wasn’t tired after the chaos of last night. It had been an intense encounter, their bodies drenched in sweat.

“I’m exhausted to death. My whole body aches. Is that how it is for the one receiving? Hyung, look at me.”

Joonyoung approached Joonwon, who wasn’t looking at him, and hugged his waist, asking him to look.

Joonwon turned his gaze to his younger brother. The swelling around his eyes had gone down, and only the bright, lively eyes remained, resting his chin on Joonwon’s chest and looking up.

“Hyung…”

Joonyoung paused to catch his breath before continuing.

“You’ve always been calm and mature since we were kids.”

Joonyoung was talking about last night. Joonwon hadn’t been in his right mind. He wasn’t a person but an animal.

When he thrust his organ inside his younger brother, Joonwon heard the sound of everything he’d been suppressing collapsing. It was the sound of the sturdy wall he’d built behind him crumbling down.

Joonwon no longer needed to hold back. There was no reason or morality stopping him, telling him it was wrong. It wasn’t that he let himself go because he didn’t need to restrain himself; he simply couldn’t think at all. With reason and perception gone, last night, Joonwon was no different from a howling beast.

His face turned ashen as he recalled the time he hurt his younger brother. He had sworn over and over never to do such a thing, yet he indulged in it all night.

“I’m sorry.”

“Was it so good that you lost your mind like that?”

Joonyoung looked up at him with a hoarse voice, asking innocently.

He looked so lovable. He was his younger brother and his lover. Joonyoung was Joonwon’s lover.

Suddenly, that realization painfully gripped Joonwon’s heart.

“Good” didn’t even begin to describe it. Joonwon felt he would never forget last night. Watching his lover fall asleep in his arms after an exhausting union, Joonwon had to swallow the sobs welling up in his throat.

It came with the self-loathing of having committed the act.

“It was good.”

Joonwon said, avoiding his younger brother’s eyes.

“That’s it? How was it good? What did it feel like?”

“…….”

Why was he so curious about that? Wasn’t Joonyoung embarrassed?

Talking about this with Joonyoung brought a slight sense of shame. It wasn’t unpleasant, just awkward.

“What did it feel like?”

“Eat your porridge. You said you were hungry.”

He loosened the arms around his waist, sat him at the table, and pushed the steaming bowl of porridge toward him.

“Was it insanely good?”

Looking at Joonyoung with a resentful glance for asking such things, Joonwon sighed softly and spoke.

“It wasn’t just insanely good, not that kind of feeling. If you’re asking about the feeling…”

“Yeah?”

“Like a release…?”

“…….”

“If I had to put yesterday’s feeling into words, no other word comes to mind. It felt like the resentment that had built up over time was melting away. That’s why I thought it’d be okay to die like that. It wasn’t that the act itself was good, but because through it, Joonyoung confessed his love for me with his whole body, that’s the feeling I had.”

Expressing love through the act and reaching climax.

Doing it with someone he thought he could never have. That’s why he had no regrets.

If there hadn’t been words of love, if he had opened his younger brother’s body in shame and disgrace, panting in the dark, Joonwon might have stabbed himself with a knife in the morning sunlight.

At the word “release,” Joonyoung burst into laughter, finding it absurd and amusing, and scooped porridge into his mouth. His face winced slightly, as the lips he’d bitten to endure the pain last night were still sore.

Sitting across from his younger brother, stirring the porridge without eating, Joonwon glanced up. Joonyoung, who said he was hungry, was eating diligently despite wincing from his sore lips.

“What about you?”

Looking at his younger brother, then lowering his eyes back to the porridge, Joonwon asked.

“Huh?”

“…How was it for you?”

“I don’t know.”

“…….”

His blood ran cold. A chill swept down his spine.

“I don’t know” wasn’t a good thing. It was something people said when they had nothing to say, when it wasn’t great but they needed to be considerate, when they couldn’t say they didn’t like it, or when they wanted the other person to figure it out.

His heart sank at the mere words “I don’t know,” neither saying it was bad nor that he disliked it.

Joonwon couldn’t swallow the porridge and just stirred it with his spoon.

It was his first time, and he was clumsy. He didn’t pace himself, just collided with his whole body. Joonyoung’s “I don’t know” sounded like a polite way of saying it wasn’t that great. He recalled how immature he had been yesterday.

“Want more porridge?”

“What about you? Aren’t you eating?”

“I ate something earlier, so I’m not hungry. Have this.”

Joonwon pushed his bowl of porridge toward his younger brother. Having already finished one bowl, Joonyoung took Joonwon’s as well.

With a cold, sinking heart, Joonwon quietly stared at his younger brother.

After the meal, he washed the empty bowls Joonyoung had pushed aside. He cleaned the kitchen island too. While diligently taking care of his younger brother’s mess, he let out a heavy sigh without realizing it.

He went into Joonyoung’s room and tidied the disheveled bedding. While pulling the mattress cover back on one side, his younger brother suddenly rushed from behind, and with his weight, Joonwon fell forward.

“You scared me.”

“I brushed my teeth.”

Laughing “hee-hee” and clinging to him, Joonwon pulled his younger brother to lie beside him.

“Good job.”

“I don’t know, so let’s do it again.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t really remember last night. You said you’re in your right mind now, hyung. Do it quickly before you lose it again.”

“…….”

“Don’t make that spaced-out look again.”

At Joonwon’s stunned expression, Joonyoung slapped his cheeks, telling him to snap out of it.

He straightened his head and faced Joonyoung. The vivid sensation of his younger brother’s back against him pulsed like a fish flung onto land.

“Don’t mess with me. Why are you being so cheeky?”

“You look flustered, so I keep wanting to tease you.”

“It’s a joke to you, but every time, I feel like I’m being doused with ice water.”

“…That bad?”

“That bad.”

“Alright, I won’t do it.”

Joonyoung grinned mischievously. Joonwon pinched his younger brother’s cheek tightly.

“Hyung, put some ointment on me. I saw in the shower, and I’m covered in marks.”

As Joonyoung said, lifting his shirt slightly, there were countless marks not just on his stomach and chest but also near his neck, hidden by his clothes.

“There’s probably no ointment. Wait, I’ll go get some quickly.”

“I got that too. Just in case.”

Saying he’d planned ahead at the pharmacy yesterday, Joonyoung opened the drawer where he’d taken out the condoms and lube last night, pulled out an ointment for wounds, and handed it to Joonwon.

“Just in case? What does that mean? Did you know I’d do this?”

“You always said you could barely hold back. That you were just barely restraining yourself. What happens when someone like that doesn’t need to hold back anymore?”

“A person in their right mind… especially wouldn’t leave these kinds of marks on their younger brother.”

He took the ointment with an awkward expression.

“Don’t say that like you’re blaming yourself again. It means you couldn’t see anything else, couldn’t think of anything else. I… I liked it even more.”

“…….”

“Hyung.”

With his eyes lowered, stubbornly avoiding contact, he was regretting, thinking he hurt his younger brother because he lost his mind.

“Don’t try to take responsibility for everything. It’s no one’s fault. Don’t make it a habit.”

“…….”

Even if Joonyoung was right, Joonwon couldn’t accept it.

He opened the ointment cap, applied it to his ring finger, and looked up. Without meeting his eyes, he started applying it to the first visible wound. The slightly parted lips clearly showed the marks from biting to endure the intense pain. As he carefully rubbed the wound with his finger, Joonyoung’s shoulders flinched and trembled.

“I’m sorry.”

He, of all people, had left these marks on his precious younger brother’s body. If he didn’t remember last night, he wouldn’t have admitted it was his doing.

Applying ointment to the wounds, he stared at his younger brother. Joonyoung’s calm face, as if willing to endure it all, left a bitter taste in Joonwon’s mouth.

“Put some here too.”

Joonyoung lay on the bed, pulling his shirt up to his neck, revealing his flat stomach and chest. The red marks under the bright sunlight were far more numerous and vivid than the regret he already felt.

Joonwon was inwardly shocked. He hadn’t realized he’d been so rough. He wanted to slap himself.

His faintly trembling fingertips applied ointment and approached the wounds. As he gently rubbed the red marks with his ring finger, Joonyoung, holding his shirt up as if showing it to a doctor, moved his lower body.

“It tickles.”

“Sorry. I’ll do it gently.”

“That makes it tickle more.”

Because it was his first time, because he was so overjoyed, because it was overwhelming, because he had lived so long believing it was an impossible dream, Joonwon had writhed in ecstasy. He had bitten his younger brother’s clear skin, leaving harsh wounds, vivid traces of his passage.

This time was like this, but next time… he couldn’t guarantee he’d be in his right mind. He might hurt his younger brother more. He might leave even more wounds.

The more he applied ointment to the wounds, the colder Joonwon’s eyes became. If it would be like this, it was better not to do it at all.

Carefully applying ointment to the marks from last night, Joonwon vowed never to touch his younger brother again. He could avoid touching him altogether. He had trained himself through life’s trials to endure with resolute patience if he had to.

If it would be like this with Joonyoung, he’d rather cut himself with a knife. And that would be the right thing.

“When we were kids, you used to put red medicine on my cuts. Remember?”

“…Yeah.”

“You even licked the blood when I was bleeding. Remember that too?”

At Joonyoung’s question, he nodded instead of answering.

When his elbow was scraped and bleeding, with no way to treat it, he’d licked the wound and rubbed it with his lips, telling it not to hurt. It wasn’t out of impure motives; he couldn’t bear to see even a drop of his younger brother’s blood fall to the ground or see him in pain.

The areola and nipple were worse than other areas. Wincing slightly, Joonwon applied ointment around the swollen red skin with his ring finger.

“…Ugh.”

“Does it hurt?”

“…Yeah. It hurts, but it feels good.”

“Don’t say dangerous things. I’m applying ointment right now.”

Joonwon deliberately spoke gruffly. He was treating him, not caressing him. But Joonyoung’s cheeks flushed, and he twitched below his waist. His knuckles, gripping the shirt, turned white.

“If it feels good, I’ll say it feels good. What else should I say?”

“Keep that up, and I’ll make you do it yourself.”

As he rubbed the swollen nipple with his ointment-covered finger, Joonwon gave his younger brother a stern look but paused. The heated eyes, looking like they were about to release, were filled with moisture, staring at him intensely. As their eyes met, the water in Joonyoung’s eyes rippled.

He had sworn over and over not to do it again, not to hurt his younger brother, but Joonyoung was trembling with desire, wanting something.

Joonwon bit the inside of his mouth. He bit so hard it bled. Clenching his teeth, his jaw muscles trembled.

“I’m done. Pull your shirt down.”

“…What about down there?”

“Do it yourself. You can handle that.”

“I can’t see.”

“Then just slap it on however.”

“You did it, hyung.”

Still with his shirt pulled up, Joonyoung grabbed the waistband of his pants and underwear to take them off. Joonwon’s sharp, scolding face turned to Joonyoung but stopped again. He clenched his fist so tightly his knuckles looked like they’d burst.

“Don’t.”

“Put it on. You did it, so take responsibility.”

“I said don’t.”

Despite Joonwon’s warning, Joonyoung tried to take off his bottoms. Joonwon grabbed his younger brother’s hands.

“Don’t provoke me, hyung. I want to do it slowly… I don’t want to lose it like that again.”

“Then just apply the ointment without doing anything else.”

“…….”

Chewing the inside of his mouth, Joonwon removed his younger brother’s hands and pulled down his bottoms.

Joonyoung shamelessly exposed his erect flesh. The tip was glistening with anxious moisture.

Sitting cross-legged solemnly on the bed, Joonwon’s groin had been painfully erect and throbbing since applying ointment to his younger brother’s lips.

Sitting stiffly, Joonwon took the ointment and smeared it generously on his fingers. The area between his legs was, if anything, worse than his upper body, swollen with lacerations that must have been truly painful.

Joonyoung spoke to Joonwon’s shocked expression.

“I told you it really hurt.”

“How did you endure it? You should’ve told me to stop. To stop…!”

“…I told you to stop.”

“…….”

“I told you to stop, to pull out.”

Swallowing dryly, Joonwon spread his younger brother’s legs and applied ointment to the red scars. Looking silently at his older brother applying ointment with a furrowed brow, Joonyoung grabbed his wrist.

He pulled Joonwon’s hand up to hold his organ. Placing his hand over Joonwon’s, he wrapped it around the warm skin.

He slowly moved his lower body against Joonwon’s still hand, rubbing their flesh together. Joonwon’s face, looking like he might cry, stared at Joonyoung.

“…Your hand feels good, hyung. Hnng…”

Slightly moving his hips, Joonyoung let out a shaky breath. Joonwon, who had sworn to do nothing and was biting his tongue, suddenly stood, grabbed Joonyoung’s knees, and spread them wide.

“Ugh!”

Startled, Joonyoung frantically grabbed Joonwon’s hair as he buried his face in his groin, rubbing and grinding uncontrollably.

“Haa… ha, ugh…!”

Joonyoung’s trembling flesh brushed against his nose. Rubbing his cheek against the heated flesh and pressing his lips to it, Joonwon buried his face completely in his younger brother’s groin.

“Hnng…! Hyung, hyung…!”

He lost his mind again. No thoughts came to him. In a frenzied state, he breathed heavily and recklessly swallowed Joonyoung’s flesh, pushing it deep into his throat. The tip reached the curve leading to his esophagus, and Joonyoung, having surrendered his lower body entirely to him, flailed his limbs.

“Aah, ugh! Hyung, hyung!”

The wet, slurping sounds of his relentless sucking struck his eardrums each time he opened his throat wide to take in the organ. It was fortunate they lived alone. Joonyoung’s lower body, held by him, lifted off the bed.

Cries and wrenching moans erupted simultaneously. Joonwon’s throat worked rapidly, swallowing what Joonyoung poured out. Joonyoung’s body, red and heated from being held below, trembled as if convulsing.

Spitting out the flesh he had swallowed deeply, Joonwon released the breath he had been holding all at once.

“Haa, haa, haa… I’m going crazy. It’s delicious. Joonyoung, I’m going insane. Let me eat you. Hmm? I want to eat you. Ah, damn. Damn, what do I do.”

He buried his face in the wet flesh again, rubbing it frantically. The secretions at the tip smeared on his cheeks and lips.

Joonwon bit, nibbled, and licked every part of his younger brother’s lower body, unzipping his own pants. He pulled out his painfully erect flesh.

Gripping his hardened organ, he stroked it upward. He sucked the flesh that tasted faintly of pungent ointment and licked it with his entire tongue.

Joonyoung’s legs, raised in the air, flailed. His younger brother clutched his hair, pleading earnestly for him to stop.

The cries to stop were clear in his ears, but despite swearing just moments ago never to do this again, he was ravenously sucking and swallowing like a beast worse than an animal.

He pressed his lips to the faintly pulsing hole at the tip, stimulating it with his tongue, and smiled at his younger brother’s crying sounds.

Joonwon roughly handled his rock-hard organ. Each time Joonyoung cried out to stop, calling him hyung and pleading desperately, his heated lower body grew harder and larger.

The tip of his flesh, about to burst, trembled. He lifted his head from between Joonyoung’s thighs.

“Aah, no…! No! Not with your mouth… don’t do it with your mouth!”

“Then what should I use? Hmm? Joonyoung, should I use my dick? Tell me. Say you want my dick. Didn’t you say you wanted to eat my dick? Forgot? Are you like me? Do you want to put it in your mouth too?”

Stroking his organ, Joonwon hurriedly sat up and settled between Joonyoung’s legs. He brought his twitching organ, ready to release, to the swollen, lacerated flesh. Panting heavily, urging him to take it, to swallow it below, his spine shuddered, and Joonwon, unable to hold back, ejaculated.

He released hot semen onto the secret, innermost part of his younger brother.

“Aah…! Ugh! Aah, ah…”

Veins and tendons bulged on his forehead, goosebumps rose on the hand and arm gripping his organ, and his hazy pupils, filled with moisture, wavered.

“Haa, haa… haa.”

“…Ugh, seriously.”

“Haa, damn.”

A self-loathing breath, as if breaking his ribs, escaped. Looking at Joonyoung, whose lower body was soaked with his murky fluid, Joonwon let out a pathetic breath while slowly scanning him with gleaming eyes.

“We did it once, so it won’t hurt as much this time. I can do it slowly… slowly and well this time.”

“Don’t. You’re not in your right mind, hyung. Your eyes are crazy.”

“No. I’m not crazy. I’m not insane. I can do it slowly again. Really.”

“This is the craziest I’ve ever seen you!”

Joonyoung swung the pillow he was lying on at him. Joonwon grabbed the pillow that hit his cheek and threw it far into a corner of the room.

Joonwon tore off his shirt over his head. Countless scars, far more than those on Joonyoung’s body, were starkly visible in the sunlight.

He didn’t have time to study Joonyoung’s expression, shocked each time despite seeing them repeatedly. The sensation was entirely different from when they were hidden by clothes.

Rubbing bare skin against Joonyoung felt like new flesh sprouting over Joonwon’s hardened scars.

He wanted to rub their naked bodies together. He wanted to feel their skin. As he tried to strip Joonyoung’s shirt and press their lips together, the sound of a phone ringing froze both their movements.

“…Hyung, the phone, it’s ringing.”

“…….”

Though it was just a phone ringing, Joonwon looked painfully at the startled Joonyoung and sat up. Digging through the bedding, he found the phone on the floor. It was Joonyoung’s.

“My phone? Who is it?”

“…….”

He had deleted the messages, but he couldn’t touch the saved contact “Jju-jju.” Instead of handing it to Joonyoung, he answered the call.

“Hello.”

Holding the phone between his ear and shoulder, he climbed back onto his younger brother. Holding the slipping phone, he pressed his lips to Joonyoung’s cheek and neck.

—It’s me, Jju. I sent you a message, didn’t you see it? Still sleeping?

“Joonyoung’s washing up right now.”

His lips, grazing his cheek and neck, moved down to his chest. Holding the flinching shoulders, he took the red, swollen areola and nipple into his mouth. Closing his eyes, he savored the smell, texture, and taste of his younger brother, swallowing the saliva pooling under his tongue. It tasted sweet.

“Hnng…!”

At the ticklish, sensual contact, Joonyoung made a sound but quickly covered his mouth with his hand, glaring at Joonwon resentfully. When his nipple was sucked, a tingling sensation ran from the base of his spine through his body, making it impossible to keep his legs still.

—Oh, Joonwon hyung? It’s Seokju. Tell Joonyoung I called when he’s done washing.

Nibbling the flesh with his teeth and lips, Joonwon pulled his face away. Joonyoung, his cheeks flushed red like he was drunk, covered his mouth and shook his head, signaling to stop.

He knew they weren’t lovers and that Seokju didn’t like Joonyoung in that way, but Joonwon was spurred by a mischievous desire to subtly show someone uninterested that Joonyoung was his.

He continued the call.

“You got a car, huh.”

—Yeah! My dad got it for me for getting into college! I was gonna take Joonyoung for a ride!

“Have you had training?”

—Driving lessons? Nah, I’m good at driving. Plus, I’ve got natural athletic ability.

“So you got your license last week and haven’t had training? Drive that car 50,000 kilometers before you take Joonyoung.”

—Huh?

To Seokju’s confident, cheerful response, Joonwon snapped coldly without realizing it.

“No, not 50,000, make it 100,000 kilometers before you take him. Not now. If you want to die, die alone.”

—I’m a good driver… I can do it well. I passed my test on the first try. Why would I die?

“I’m hanging up.”

—Tell Joonyoung I called.

Feeling the menacing tone that seemed to dismiss his call entirely, Seokju quickly added.

At Seokju’s subtle defiance, Joonwon, who had been licking and biting Joonyoung’s flesh, lifted his head. Joonyoung, sensing the sharp glint in Joonwon’s eyes, looked back nervously.

“Of course I’ll tell him. Did you think I wouldn’t?”

—Yeah, it feels like you wouldn’t.

“I’ll tell him. That you called.”

As Seokju replied, Joonyoung swiftly snatched the phone from Joonwon’s hand and put it to his ear.

“Hey, Seokju. It’s me.”

—Whoa, damn. What’s up? Did I do something wrong? I knew your hyung didn’t like me, but he’s freaking scary today. Damn.

The cold, unwelcoming tone must have been clear even through the phone. Seokju sounded thoroughly annoyed.

“No, it’s not like that… there’ve been a lot of traffic accidents lately. He’s just saying to be careful. The roads are icy with the cold weather, so he’s probably worried. You just got your car a few days ago.”

—It hasn’t even been delivered yet!

“That’s why it’s even more dangerous.”

As Joonyoung continued the call, Joonwon watched him closely, slowly leaning in to bury his face between his neck and shoulder. Hugging Joonyoung with both arms, caressing him, his hands moved down, grabbing his buttocks, then sliding over his thighs and calves. The intense touch conveyed an urgent desire.

—I’m so wronged. I’m really good at driving. I’ve been driving my dad’s car since I was a kid.

“You idiot, is driving without a license something to brag about? Don’t ever say that in front of my hyung. I’ll never get to ride in your car then.”

Joonwon’s sharp gaze pierced Joonyoung’s cheek, demanding what he meant by that.

—Anyway, I never had an accident! Man, I wish your hyung saw me play Euro Truck. Whatever, fine. Tons of people are dying to ride in my car besides you. Forget it. When’s your orientation?

“Next Tuesday, for two days and one night. You?”

—Yeah, ours is Tuesday too. I checked the group chat profiles, and there are tons of pretty girls. Any cute ones in yours?

“I gotta check. Haven’t looked closely yet.”

—Wanna bet who gets a girlfriend first? 100,000 won?

“Hnng… alright. I’ll call you later. I’m in the middle of something.”

Grabbing Joonwon’s hair, which was rubbing lips everywhere and moving downward again, Joonyoung pulled hard, begging him to stop. The tousled dark brown hair and the eyes glancing up at him were dizzying.

As soon as he ended the call with Seokju, Joonwon snatched the phone back. Checking the call was disconnected, he held the screen up to Joonyoung.

“…What?”

“Change the name.”

“What name?”

“I don’t even want to say it. Change it.”

“What name?”

Looking at the screen, it said “Jju-jju.” Joonyoung glanced at the screen, then at Joonwon’s serious, scary expression, and quickly took the phone, changing “Jju-jju” to “Seokju.”

“It was just a joke from back then… that’s how it ended up. Everyone in our class saved names like that. Look, Boseok is ‘Bbo-bbo.’”

“Change that too. Right now.”

“It was getting confusing anyway. I’ll change them now.”

Lying side by side on the bed, buried in soft bedding, Joonyoung, under Joonwon’s watchful eye, changed all the contacts saved with names he didn’t want to say. Bbo-bbo, Jju-jju, Ri-ring-i, and Woong-woong-i were restored to their proper names. Some he genuinely couldn’t recall and had to think hard about.

“It’s clearer saving them properly by name.”

As if it was a wise decision, Joonwon looked satisfied at the plain, almost cold contact list.

“So I can ride in Seokju’s new car, right?”

Joonyoung asked while tapping the phone screen, ready to message Seokju if Joonwon agreed.

“What does that have to do with this? Talk sense. He’s had his license for how long? Drive a few years first, then maybe.”

Joonwon closed the messaging app Joonyoung had opened. Instead, he opened the photo gallery and looked at the picture from this morning as if seeing it anew. Lying side by side, Joonyoung rested his cheek on his folded arms, turned to him, and sighed deeply.

“You’re saying never ride it.”

“I didn’t say never. I said at least 50,000 kilometers.”

“Even if it’s far from their house to school, that’s 50 kilometers round trip. It’ll take until graduation to hit 50,000.”

“Probably. Yeah, I’m saying don’t ride.”

Making a “tch” sound, Joonyoung leaned his head on Joonwon’s arm, looking at the phone screen together.

“You look good, hyung.”

They gazed at the photo from Joonyoung’s graduation. Joonwon was smiling, a rare sight, and Joonyoung, as always, was beaming with a clear, loving smile.

They looked unbelievably happy.

Even seeing it with his own eyes, Joonwon felt it was dreamlike. He reached out, pulling his younger brother beside him into his arms. The morning sunlight spread through the air, enveloping everything around them in comfort.

“Anyone would think you’re a stalker. It’s all pictures of me.”

Despite his words, a sense of quiet pride glowed on Joonwon’s face.

“Of course. Show me your phone. You’ve got tons of my pictures, right?”

“…….”

Pausing as he brushed Joonyoung’s hair and pressed his lips to his forehead, Joonwon hesitated. Sensing his reluctance, Joonyoung lifted his face slightly.

“Let me see your phone.”

“There’s not much. Just the graduation one.”

“Why not? No pictures of me?”

“…No.”

“Why not?”

“Just don’t.”

Because he’d keep staring at them, because he couldn’t do anything when he looked at them, because he felt like an idiot, Joonwon didn’t keep any pictures of Joonyoung except the graduation one.

But in the bottom drawer of his desk, he had albums with photos of Joonyoung from babyhood, organized by age, over three volumes. There was a notebook like a parenting diary too. He even kept notices from Joonyoung’s kindergarten days.

Wriggling out of Joonwon’s arms, Joonyoung picked up clothes from the floor, put them on, and grabbed Joonwon’s phone. Lying back down, he held it out, telling him to unlock it.

“What are you doing?”

“Just unlock it.”

“Haa.”

Joonwon sighed shortly, reluctantly unlocked the phone, and handed it to his younger brother.

As Joonwon said, apart from the graduation photo, his gallery was barren, with no pictures of himself or Joonyoung, just a few documents or addresses taken for notes.

Joonyoung, fiddling with the nearly empty phone as if he’d changed it recently, opened the camera app and lay back on the bed.

“Hyung, come here.”

“I’m not dressed.”

He wasn’t afraid to show his bare body to Joonyoung anymore, but his uncovered torso was full of chilling self-harm scars.

“It’s fine.”

As if he’d come to Joonwon if he didn’t move, Joonyoung wriggled closer, adjusting to fit both in the frame. Joonwon looked at the phone, seeing their reflection on the screen.

Their eyes met in the frame.

“Smile a bit.”

It wouldn’t matter if he had clothes on, but seeing his scars on the camera screen for the first time, unlike through a mirror, startled Joonwon. He rarely looked at his body directly, which made it worse. Joonwon liked the dark and hadn’t actively cared for his body.

He didn’t know there were so many… or that they were so bad.

On the screen, Joonwon’s fingertips traced the thick scar below his collarbone. Joonyoung, looking at the phone, turned to him.

Seeing Joonwon touching his scars, Joonyoung turned off the screen and set the phone aside.

“It’s ugly.”

“…….”

“Worse than I thought. Gross.”

Joonwon sat up, pulling his shirt over his head to cover his ugly, gross body.

He touched Joonyoung’s smooth, unmarked cheek and neck with his hands and eyes.

“There’s a lot to clean up, so I should get moving. Joonyoung, you rest. I can handle it alone.”

“…It’s not gross.”

“…….”

“Not ugly at all. I’ve never thought that.”

“I know.”

Joonyoung grabbed Joonwon’s arm as he tried to get off the bed. He pulled off his shirt again. Joonwon, his hair disheveled from the forcefully removed shirt, looked puzzled.

Laying him back on the bed, Joonyoung sat on his stomach.

He ran his hand over the largest scar below his collarbone. The raised, uneven texture was vivid. He touched a scar that looked like it came from heart surgery, tracing each mark slowly with a pained expression.

“Every one of these is proof you love me.”

“…….”

“I’ve never thought they’re gross or ugly. I’ve even had bad thoughts.”

“Bad thoughts?”

“Nobody else can see this. Only me. Nobody else has seen your bare body, right?”

“…….”

“You only have me.”

As if enchanted, Joonwon stripped off Joonyoung’s shirt. He pulled the bedding over both of them.

Joonyoung, quietly meeting Joonwon’s eyes, slowly leaned his body toward him. He kissed his lips, rubbing lightly, caressing his cheeks and jaw with his lips, and gently biting. He licked Joonwon’s tense neck, tracing each scar with his lips and tongue.

Joonwon’s chest rose and fell rapidly, trying to control his ragged breathing. He raised his arm to cover his eyes and face.

Joonyoung took Joonwon’s nipple and areola into his mouth, nibbling and sucking as Joonwon had done to him. Wetting it with saliva, he moved past the heaving stomach, going lower.

The bedding lifted suddenly. Joonwon, who had covered his face with his arm, lowered his hand to grab Joonyoung’s hair as he burrowed into his groin. Joonyoung’s breath reached his throbbing organ first. Joonwon stopped breathing.