MBL 16

“Haa, fuck.”

He bit his thick lower lip and pressed his forehead against my shoulder as if bumping into it. I caressed the back of his neck, where his cervical spine stood out.

I pulled back slightly, creating some space between us as we held each other. Our lower bodies, soaked and sticky, came into view. His erection protruded between my abdomen and his. There was a sharp, musky scent. Desire wasn’t dirty or sordid.

I lowered my hand and grasped his member. The sticky flesh pulsed grotesquely with veins. I rubbed the tip with my thumb in a circular motion, staring at his face.

“…I kept wanting to touch this.”

“Did you? Keep touching it. It’s okay.”

His words felt oddly strange. The dazed expression on his face, feeling even more than I did as I touched him, was satisfying.

His eyes, completely immersed in me, stared intensely.

“…Don’t you need to prepare something to have sex?”

“…What?”

“Sex…”

At my question, clarity returned to his lust-clouded eyes. He blinked.

“Hotels are usually where… lovers have sex, right?”

“Not today.”

“…Not today?”

I felt oddly disappointed by his words.

“Not in a place this impure.”

“…”

Weren’t we already doing something close to sex, just not going all the way, staring at each other like this? I lowered my eyes to our state and then back to his.

His member was dripping fluid, and my thumb, touching the tip, was slick as if I’d spat on it. Our stomachs were drenched with semen.

“It’ll hurt you.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’ve never done it.”

“I think I’ll be fine.”

His hands, gripping my hips, slowly pulled my lower body, rubbing and releasing repeatedly. His member twitched in my palm, swelling to its fullest.

I draped my arms over his shoulders, pressing close, and started moving my hips slightly to match his hands.

“Haa, what were you going to do a year from now? Were you really going to disappear from me?”

He nodded slowly.

“I was so desperate back then, I would’ve said anything, begged for anything, just for one time…”

He spoke incoherently with pained eyes, saying he’d wanted to hold onto me somehow.

“That was the scariest thing you said. That you, hyung… might really disappear a year from now. That we’d end like that.”

His scorching lips bit my neck. I lowered my head, hunching my shoulders as if embracing his face.

“That we’d become neither brothers nor strangers.”

He bit and sucked my skin, whispering something. From the tremble of his flesh, I knew it was “I’m sorry.”

We clung to each other pitifully, pressing our lower bodies together.

“Hyung… what do I do? I keep wanting to say weird things.”

“Haa, what? It’s okay. Say it.”

“I… I think I’m crazy.”

“It’s okay. Really, it’s fine, so tell me.”

“I want to… put your thing in my mouth.”

“Ngh…!”

His lower body jolted suddenly, and semen gushed out. His body trembled at the same time.

“Ah, ngh… haa, Joonyoung.”

Where did I learn such words, did I even know what they meant? His eyes asked in disbelief.

I was flustered too. But it was true that I felt that way. I really wanted to press my lips to that hard, hot, panting piece of flesh, lick it, and bite it hard.

I wasn’t just some pervert, it seemed. But that must be why I was in this situation with my own brother, finding him lovable.

I looked at him with a wronged expression. Our eyes met, quietly studying each other.

“Later. Even if you say no, I’ll put it in your mouth.”

“Is that okay? Even if I… bite it?”

“Biting’s not okay. Just gently.”

His fingers rubbed my lips. As my mouth opened, his thumb circled my lips, his eyes glazing over as if imagining something ecstatic.

“Gently, how?”

“Gently… very gently, haa, fuck.”

I bit down on his finger, which was intensely tracing my lips.

I stopped counting how many times he’d cursed today. He rarely swore, but now every word ended with “damn it,” “fuck,” as he twitched below. He was an incredibly sensitive person. A single word could make him so aroused…

I sucked his salty finger and let it go.

“Why are you so shameless? Were you always like this?”

He asked with genuine concern.

“I just… followed my instincts.”

“…What do I do with you?”

“…”

“Joonyoung, what do I do with you, huh?”

“Love me forever.”

“…Okay.”

“Until I die.”

“…Yeah.”

“I’ll do the same until I die.”

He pulled me into a fierce embrace. We rubbed against each other, bodies entwined.

Several intense climaxes came. When I released, he followed soon after, and when I couldn’t hold back and ejaculated, he shuddered in my palm, spilling semen.

We pressed our bodies together, rubbing, erasing the time we’d lived as brothers, until we were sticky and exhausted, collapsing.

I fell asleep without knowing when. Something held me tightly, asserting it would never let go, maintaining steady pressure. As he stroked my arm, hyung woke me.

“…Joonyoung.”

“…Mmph.”

“Open your eyes.”

I opened my eyes, stuck together with saltiness. Beyond the opened curtains, a dark blue horizon was visible. A tiny red glow spread across the water.

I stared out the window with hyung, who held me from behind. The gray sky filled with blue, and the small red glow stained the black horizon red, slowly rising.

“…Is that the sunrise?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s beautiful.”

“…It is. Beautiful.”

I knew his eyes weren’t on the sunrise but on me.

“Let’s watch it again next year.”

“Okay, next year and the year after.”

He tightened his arms around me. It wasn’t just an embrace; it was restraint, confinement. The painful grip wasn’t unpleasant.

I grabbed his arm. Let’s stay like this, I thought, turning to face him against the rising sun, embracing him.

∞ ∞ ∞

“Honestly, I think I’m a hundred times happier than when your hyung passed.”

“Joonwon would be upset to hear that.”

“You worked hard. Well done. Really well done.”

At the announcement of my acceptance, I, the person concerned, was calm.

After the preliminary scoring, hyung seemed to have expected it somewhat, and I’d kept the possibility open based on his reaction, so I wasn’t overjoyed at the “accepted” result on the laptop screen.

As if it were a grand event, Father had the laptop open ten minutes before the announcement, nervously tapping his legs. I’d never seen him like that. I thought he wasn’t interested in me, but there was a place for me in his unspoken feelings.

Seeing me calmly accept the result, Father smiled with the happiest expression. He looked almost foolish, smiling so much.

“He looks just like my hyung sometimes. They don’t seem alike, but sometimes they’re exactly the same. Joonwon said he’d be late today too?”

“Yeah. He said his part-time job ends late.”

“He should come home early on a day like this. Be good to your hyung. You passed because of his help. Got it?”

Father sternly said I must never forget hyung’s kindness.

“…Yes, I’ll be good.”

What expression would Father make if he knew why I studied so hard, why I applied to the same school as hyung?

It wasn’t some grand ambition. I just chased hyung, who said he’d disappear from me, never to return.

Hyung started working right after the exam. From high-paying tutoring to manual labor, he came home exhausted and slept, with new calluses and scratches on his hands and shoulders.

I thought he’d come home early on the acceptance announcement day, but he returned past midnight.

I stared blankly at him as he collapsed onto the bed after showering.

“…What?”

He asked in a half-asleep voice.

“I thought you’d come home early today.”

“I told you it’d be fine.”

“Father was really happy. His smile was ear-to-ear all evening; it was kind of funny.”

“…Let’s go look at houses tomorrow.”

He turned toward me from lying face-down on the bed. He groaned as he rolled over. I sat by the bed, looking down at him, brushing his messy hair to see his face clearly.

Hyung had been working tirelessly for months, like a man possessed, to save for a deposit on a house for us without Father’s help. He didn’t shy away from hard labor, his fingers cracking, his joints thickening.

Knowing his stubbornness about not taking a single penny from Father, I didn’t say a word about his grueling work. I felt sorry for Father. We couldn’t live the way he wanted, and we didn’t intend to.

“Your studio would be fine… it’s not a problem for us to live together.”

I looked at him with concern, wondering why he was pushing himself so hard.

“I can’t have our first night in a filthy place like that.”

“…”

“I don’t want to lay you down in a place like that.”

He staggered upright, leaning against the headboard, wrapping an arm around my waist to pull me close.

Our noses almost touched. The fresh scent of shampoo and the dampness of his not-yet-dry hair lingered.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders as he leaned toward me. I kissed him.

Hyung had strange convictions and beliefs.

We kept delaying our first time.

He said it couldn’t happen because I was still a minor, or because it was Father’s house. After the exam, he said it couldn’t happen before the results, or because he wasn’t mentally ready. The studio was too dirty. Even though we did those things in a hotel with a sunrise view, he said hotels were impure because others came and went.

He’d done the most forbidden thing but stubbornly refused things that were fine.

For me, who’d long been ready, it was a harsh conviction.

I opened my lips, licking the sensitive spot, and lowered my hand. As I touched his chest, moving past his firm stomach toward his thighs, he grabbed my hand.

“I said don’t.”

“…I want to touch you.”

“When we leave here, when it’s just us. Then.”

“I’ll just touch.”

“I’m afraid I won’t be able to hold back if you touch me.”

“…”

“It’s not that I’m afraid—I won’t be able to.”

He shook his head firmly, saying he was scared of what he might do.

I slowly pulled my hand from between his thighs.

I wanted to touch his body actively, like that day. I wanted to grip the bulging flesh between his legs, squeeze it hard until it felt like it would burst, and feel the coarse hair with my palm. Even after touching it endlessly in the hotel, I still wanted to.

His hand caressed my back, kissing me again. We shared a deep kiss that melted my brain, then pulled back. With my arms around his neck, I quietly met his gaze.

“Congratulations on passing. I was going to say it while showing you the house.”

“Then sleep with me tonight.”

“…Haa. When we’re independent, then.”

“Not even just sleeping?”

“No.”

“…”

I stared at him sullenly, as he kept saying no to everything.

His expression was firmer than ever. Since the exam, he’d been strictly controlling himself, pushing me away every night as I tried to cling to him, which wasn’t easy for him either. It had been a month since the new year, and I was now legally an adult who could enter a bar with ID.

“I can’t sleep.”

He whispered with a smiling plea for understanding, sweet exhaustion clinging to his face.

It was my first time dating someone, my first time liking someone. After the exam, I had endless energy and time. There were countless things I wanted to do with hyung, but most of all, I wanted to touch his body, so similar to mine, until I was satisfied.

“…I got confessed to today.”

“What?”

His tired, hazy eyes sharpened instantly. His sleepy gaze turned fierce.

“I got a confession.”

“From who?”

“A girl from another class.”

“And?”

I patted his back reassuringly as he asked with a serious expression.

“I told her I already like someone.”

“And then?”

“She said to call her if we break up and gave me her number.”

“…Hah, everyone’s so pointlessly bold. Bolder than me.”

He muttered self-deprecatingly.

“So I said that wouldn’t happen. We’re just getting started.”

He looked at me clearly, giving a perfect smile.

He whispered with a breath.

“Thanks.”

I frowned.

“For what? Isn’t that obvious? Would you accept someone’s confession, hyung?”

“I wouldn’t have the energy to, even if I wanted.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’d accept if you had the energy?”

“Maybe if there was a chance. But that chance doesn’t come easily.”

“…”

He’d lived denying his feelings since his sense of self formed. He might have torn himself apart, even breaking his will to live. I was that absolute to him.

The thought that he might disappear from me a year later, his promise to vanish, might have meant physical death. The idea of him choosing death sent chills down my spine.

I wondered what about me drove him to this. I was nothing special. My only distinction was being Kang Joonwon’s brother.

“When… when did you start seeing me like that?”

“Like what?”

“When did you… start loving me?”

His hand, habitually stroking my hair, cupped my cheek. His warmth, the same as when I was a child, always felt intensely hot.

“I don’t remember exactly when… but I think it was when Father was away on a business trip. You were so sick, like you might die. There were no adults around.”

He continued, recalling that distant time.

“You needed to go to the hospital, but I couldn’t think of that. I couldn’t do anything. I held you, so sick you might die, praying you wouldn’t hurt, just holding you. I stayed up all night, terrified your breathing would stop, praying to anyone that I’d rather die.”

“…”

My eyes suddenly burned at the tenderness of hyung, who cherished me even before he realized it.

“The next morning, your fever finally broke. Your breathing eased. I sighed in relief, thinking you’d live. Then you opened your eyes and looked at me so clearly.”

“…”

“I can’t explain that moment even now. It was just… different. Everything changed.”

His expression was dreamlike.

“It was like a whole new world opened. From that day, everything was different. At first, I thought it was a mistake. You could’ve died, so I mistook my desperate plea to save you for something else.”

“…”

“And now, you still look at me with those eyes.”

As if now was one of those moments, his eyes pierced into me. I gazed at him, lost.

“Then my heart drops, and I lose my words.”

“Hyung…”

“I can’t help but love you.”

A chill ran through me, as if witnessing a miraculous moment.

He held me tightly, as if squeezing my back, and kissed me deeply. He swallowed my breath and fluids for a long time. The sound of him gulping, swallowing me, echoed faintly beyond my fading consciousness.