MBL 14

I left the counseling room and headed to the classroom. The school, with most students gone, was steeped in silence.

I couldn’t wait to boast to hyung about the unprecedented grades I’d received. I couldn’t hold it in. I was curious about what he’d say, what proud expression he’d make, what praise he’d offer.

I wanted to tell him the news right away. Lately, hyung seemed lost in thought, but I knew he’d be happy to hear this. We were heading down the right path, just as he intended.

Outside the window, the colors of autumn had deepened. The campus, filled with ginkgo trees, shimmered with bright yellow light. Unable to hide my childlike excitement, I hurriedly climbed the stairs but stopped.

A commotion nearby made me grab the railing and freeze in the middle of the staircase.

It was Im Juho and Heo Kyungmin.

“Is that supposed to be an excuse?”

“It’s not like I can’t. Who are you? Who the hell are you?”

“How far did it go? All the way… did you go all the way?”

“Why do you care? Of course I went all the way. Some people wouldn’t give it up no matter what, but he gave it up easily.”

“…You know you can’t take back those words, so watch what you say.”

Im Juho’s voice, filled with anger and shock, wasn’t sharp but trembled faintly. The content was a brutal warning, but his voice cracked pathetically.

Unable to climb or descend, I stood dumbly, forced to listen to their conversation.

“When a guy says something, he’s got to back it up, even if it’s rotten. Why would I lie? You want to know that bad? I had a hell of a time with him. Not like you, obsessed with grades. He knew how to have fun.”

“Keep talking like that. I told you to know what you’re saying.”

Im Juho’s suppressed voice spat out each word ominously.

“I know too well. I know I’m spewing words I can’t take back. Want me to keep going?”

Heo Kyungmin laughed, as if it were hilarious, so infuriating that even I, a bystander, felt my fists clench.

“Hey, he said he likes me. While someone’s too busy with exams to even look at me, he said he really likes me. Damn it, what am I supposed to do? Keep holding it in? How am I supposed to hold it in every day? I’m human too.”

“You bastard!”

Finally, curses erupted.

Heo Kyungmin had a knack for getting under people’s skin. It seemed Im Juho swung a fist, but Heo Kyungmin dodged nimbly. The sound of Im Juho’s stumble painted a vivid picture.

The staircase in the corner of the first-year classrooms was rarely used. Even so, fighting so openly showed a reckless disregard for others, enough to sour my mood as a passerby.

“What right do you have to hit me?”

“You bastard! Crazy bastard! You’re a damn bastard!”

Hiding against the corridor wall, I peeked at their scene.

Im Juho grabbed Heo Kyungmin’s collar and shook him violently. Heo Kyungmin’s upper body flopped like a paper doll, mocking him.

Each time, Im Juho’s glasses slid down his nose. He’d pause, one hand gripping Heo Kyungmin’s collar, the other pushing his glasses up, all while continuing to shake him.

Because of this, their fight, complete with curses and scuffling, looked like a scene from a comedy.

“Was it good? Was it good playing that dirty? You filthy bastard, you couldn’t hold back? You said I was the best, you damn bastard! Are you even human? You’re an animal!”

Pushing up his slipping glasses, Im Juho shook Heo Kyungmin’s neck again. Heo Kyungmin, who wasn’t one to be overpowered by strength or size, let himself be shaken enthusiastically.

Even when Im Juho paused to adjust his glasses, Heo Kyungmin swayed like a roly-poly toy. His mocking attitude made Im Juho’s face flush red with anger.

“Hey!”

“Yeah, it was amazing! My so-called boyfriend sits at a desk all day, only making eyes at books, screwing the books—what am I supposed to do? Am I an idiot? I’m dying to do it, so why not? Why do you keep refusing? Why do you act like it’s nothing? You started this. Got it?”

“If my grades drop this time, I might not be allowed out! My mom said she’d ground me and take my phone! Then we can’t meet or even talk!”

“Damn it, grades! Grades! College! Does the world end if you don’t go to college?!”

“For me, it does! Don’t you get that? Do you have to screw around or your dick falls off? Can’t you hold it in, you idiot?”

“Yeah, I can’t hold it in! I’ve got no reason to!”

With a thud, Im Juho let go of Heo Kyungmin’s collar as if throwing it down. Breathing heavily, he glared at him with all his might.

Under that glare, Heo Kyungmin started to yell but stopped, turning his head and exhaling sharply.

Im Juho, his voice softening slightly, spoke.

“No matter how much I want it, I only want you. I could never do that with anyone else.”

“…”

“How can you do that?”

“I was drunk. I missed you like crazy, but you didn’t answer my calls. I waited all night at your apartment’s playground. I saw your room’s light on. You knew I was there, didn’t you? But you didn’t come out, studying. I waited over two hours after your light went off, and you still didn’t show.”

“…”

“How could I not get pissed? Wouldn’t anyone? You made me feel like a fool.”

“You damn bastard… you rehearsed this, didn’t you? All that stuttering and fumbling in front of me was an act, wasn’t it?”

“I’m not guilty, so I’m talking smoothly today. Happy?”

Huffing, Im Juho pounded his chest with his fists.

I looked down at my feet.

It felt like a lovers’ quarrel. The fact that it was two normal-looking male students felt odd, but they looked like two people so in love that they were hurt and resentful, caught in a lovers’ spat.

Im Juho interrogating his cheating partner and Heo Kyungmin brazenly making excuses—it was exactly that.

“Damn it, you really…”

“Damn it, what really, what?”

I thought it was just animalistic desire, but they were having a lovers’ quarrel too.

At first, Heo Kyungmin seemed like a thug, and Im Juho a filthy bug who did that with my hyung.

If not for Im Juho, I wouldn’t have ended up in this relationship with hyung. Though it was my choice, I secretly resented Im Juho, envied the body hyung held, and hoped their relationship would be exposed and fall apart.

Love…

But it’s not like that. Not a thug or a bug—just a person who loves someone.

They loved each other.

I hated this. I hated seeing the human, vulnerable side of someone I despised. I hated understanding Im Juho. It made it impossible to keep hating him, made me feel cheap and small for despising him, and I hated that.

Not wanting to know they were humans who suffered and worried like me, I turned to go back to the classroom, but my phone buzzed with a text. My body froze before I could take a step.

Cautiously, I turned my head. As expected, Im Juho and Heo Kyungmin were glaring at me.

Awkwardly, I stepped into the corridor from behind the wall.

“…”

“What are you?”

Heo Kyungmin scowled menacingly and started toward me, but Im Juho’s hand stopped him.

“You got a hobby of eavesdropping?”

“I didn’t eavesdrop—it was just loud. Who’s yelling loud enough for the whole neighborhood to hear? Everyone outside probably heard.”

“Look at this guy. What right do you have to talk big? Come here.”

I meant to apologize vaguely and leave, but being treated like a sneak made me turn the tables.

“Fun, huh? Laughing because a germ and a virus are fighting?”

Im Juho also sneered, finding my eavesdropping pathetic.

His sharp attack startled me. I recalled insulting him with contemptuous words, treating him like something dirty.

I knew Im Juho’s secret. To me, his victim act with Heo Kyungmin was absurd.

Im Juho, who claimed to be too busy studying to do it, did it eagerly while studying—with my hyung. Realizing that, disgust and revulsion surged. My face twisted.

Just thinking of one scene of hyung and Im Juho rolling around made me nauseous. Anger boiled up.

Im Juho, who called Heo Kyungmin’s desires filthy, was far filthier. I wanted to confront him about what he did with my hyung but stopped. I didn’t want to tarnish hyung.

“You were fighting so loud I couldn’t make a sound. What am I supposed to do?”

“Keep listening, why don’t you? Spill kimchi juice on me again, why don’t you?”

Im Juho’s taunting sparked a fierce defiance in me.

“Hey, Im Juho.”

“What, you bastard? You think you’re hot because you did well on a test? Think you can beat me? You only did well because your hyung helped you, so shut up and go.”

Im Juho shot back with profanity.

“You’re human, so you shouldn’t bring up my hyung here.”

I argued, dumbfounded.

“What nonsense. I did better than you, so I stole your tutor. Think I didn’t know? You pathetic jerk. Calling me a germ and a virus, messing with my head, stealing my tutor. Yeah, ruin others and study hard to get first—happy now?”

“Don’t mention my hyung. Before I kill you.”

His assumption that I didn’t know about him and hyung sparked genuine anger. My fists clenched.

Insulting my hyung was unforgivable.

“You got first once and think you can lecture me? Stay out of it while I’m being nice.”

As if he could sic Heo Kyungmin on me without dirtying his hands, Im Juho glanced at him for support.

His look infuriated me.

“You think I don’t know?”

“What?”

“You think I don’t know about you and my hyung? You bastard. Think I’m staying quiet because I don’t know?”

“What nonsense?”

“Don’t act like you’re better than Heo Kyungmin when you’re no saint either. If you had any conscience.”

Heo Kyungmin, who’d been watching our argument, suddenly sparked with rage.

“…What’s he talking about? Hey, what’s that mean?”

Heo Kyungmin pushed past Im Juho’s restraining hand and approached me. I wasn’t scared.

“I don’t want to say it. But know Im Juho’s in no position to judge you. He’s not innocent either.”

Murderous intent flashed in Heo Kyungmin’s eyes. Turning from me to Im Juho, his face went pale with shock.

“What’s he saying? What the hell’s he babbling about?”

“What? Hey! Who’re you slandering? Heo Kyungmin, watch your eyes!”

“Damn it, Im Juho. I’m asking what he’s saying. Why aren’t you innocent? Did you spread your legs for someone else?”

“I didn’t! Hey!”

Im Juho shouted at Heo Kyungmin, who looked ready to kill, then turned and yelled at me.

“Why aren’t I innocent? What’s not innocent about me?”

“I’m innocent. I did nothing wrong. Kang Joonyoung! Are you crazy?”

I sneered at the flustered Im Juho.

He panted like someone falsely accused, about to collapse from rage.

“Then don’t mention my hyung. One more time, and I’ll kill you.”

“What did I do with your hyung? What are you saying?!”

Im Juho, with a deeply furrowed brow, shot back sharply.

Acting innocent while messing around with hyung behind his lover’s back—his hypocritical attitude was laughable.

“I saw you coming out of my hyung’s studio in Hongdae.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I saw you, Im Juho, coming out of my hyung’s studio in Hongdae with my own eyes.”

“…”

Heo Kyungmin, glaring at me like he’d kill me, turned his murderous gaze to Im Juho.

“Damn it, what’s he saying?” his eyes asked, disbelieving, like he’d heard the world was ending in five minutes.

“That day, after you and hyung left, I went in. I saw it clearly. The bed was a mess, and there was a condom on the floor. Anyone could tell what happened. Keep lying?”

As soon as I finished, Heo Kyungmin’s fist, unable to hit Im Juho, pounded the corridor wall.

Blood splattered on the wall from his frenzied punches. Startled, I stepped back.

Im Juho, pale as wax, shouted.

“What are you saying? You think I slept with your hyung? You lunatic!”

“You didn’t?”

“No! You idiot!”

Im Juho screamed, not at me, but at Heo Kyungmin, who was punching like a madman, his voice tearing. Heo Kyungmin, about to slam his head into the glass, froze.

Panting, Im Juho explained rapidly.

“Yeah, your hyung tutored me before you stole him! So what? He was busy, so I said I’d go to Hongdae. I studied at his studio and sometimes at a nearby study café. His friend kept bringing his girlfriend to the studio, so we studied at the café that day! You bastard!”

His face red, Im Juho yelled.

“…”

“You, Kang Joonyoung, that’s why you said that crap to me? Germs and viruses… you said that because of a misunderstanding?”

“Don’t lie. I asked hyung, and he didn’t deny it.”

“Wow, damn it. You’re killing me with words. Answer nonsense like that? If your hyung doesn’t deny it, I’m that kind of person? I didn’t do it! He charged a fortune for tutoring and didn’t even finish. Your hyung’s car tires and door are practically paid for by my mom. Call him now. Call your hyung!”

Panting, Im Juho demanded I call hyung to clear things up.

His fierce denial made me hesitate.

Hyung never denied doing it with Im Juho when I confronted him.

Nor did he ever confirm it.

“…”

He didn’t admit it, and sometimes struggled to even recall Im Juho’s name.

Hyung let me fall into the mire, leaving the misunderstanding to fester. He’d rather I have him than let Im Juho have him, thinking it was right. I’d justified everything we did.

Realizing something, Im Juho bit his lip at my stunned expression.

Was it a misunderstanding?

A part of my heart suddenly felt lighter.

Was it a misunderstanding?

Hyung never held anyone else in his heart but me.

He never shared that filthy, base connection with anyone else.

From the start, it was only me.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

Im Juho asked Heo Kyungmin, still clenching his fists, in a hollow voice.

“How can I when there’s a witness? How am I supposed to trust you?”

Even so, Heo Kyungmin half-doubted, glaring at me with a threat to kill if I was lying.

Im Juho looked down and asked sadly, audible even to me.

“…Have I ever lied to you?”

“…”

Heo Kyungmin’s arms, pounding the wall, fell limply.

“You always thought that of me? That I’d lie to you like it’s nothing?”

“…No.”

“No? What’s no?!”

“No, I believe you. I know you’re not that kind of person.”

“No, you didn’t believe me. And… I can’t trust you anymore. I don’t want someone who waves their dick around everywhere.”

“That was a lie.”

“…It’s too late.”

“It’s a lie, really. Juho, it’s true. Juho! Im Juho!”

Biting his lower lip until it bled, Im Juho walked toward me.

“Kang Joonyoung, you’ve always been a jerk.”

Passing me, he spat the words. With a heavy, terrifying expression, Im Juho disappeared, and Heo Kyungmin and I dumbly followed his back.

“I’ve loved Juho since kindergarten. I know how many moles are on his body, what dreams he has, what he’s thinking without him saying. Juho doesn’t lie.”

“…”

“You’re the one who called him a germ? Do you know how much that hurt him? Think you can say anything just because you’ve got a mouth?”

“…”

“Go apologize. Get on your knees and beg.”

Heo Kyungmin warned me fiercely. I couldn’t even lift my head, feeling like I wanted to crawl into a mouse hole, mumbling in embarrassment. My face burned with shame.

“I’m sorry, I, I really didn’t know… I misunderstood. I’m sorry.”

With a thud, my face turned, and before I knew it, my body had slumped to the floor. It wasn’t the pain but the shock that left me dazed.

Holding my cheek where I’d been punched, I stupidly looked up at Heo Kyungmin.

“An apology after you’re dead is useless. Everyone thinks saying sorry fixes everything. Does that really ease the guilt of hurting someone? Get lost, you crazy bastard.”

Heo Kyungmin kicked my leg once more as I sat there and then went after Im Juho.

Still, it felt like he went easy on me. It didn’t hurt that much. I looked back at them.

Heo Kyungmin, who had caught up to Im Juho in an instant despite the distance, reached out to wrap his arm around his shoulder. Im Juho fiercely shook off the grasping hand.

He tried to embrace his shoulder again, was shaken off again, embraced again, and was shaken off once more.

And then, in the empty school hallway, they kissed, throwing punches as if they hated each other to death.

Heo Kyungmin gently caressed Im Juho, who had burst into tears, with the softest touch, apologizing over and over. Their figures blurred faintly in the shattering sunlight.

At that moment, my phone buzzed with a message from hyung, telling me to go home alone because he had something to do.

Ms. Yoon, who had just returned from a trip, greeted me with an awkward smile as she opened the front door. Seeing her stiff smile, I could tell she was trying hard.

“I’m back.”

“Why are you alone today?”

“Oh, hyung said he had to stop somewhere. I came back first.”

“Alright, go wash up. Are you hungry? The housekeeper will bring up some snacks, so study until dinner. Oh, wait, do you want to take the snacks now? I prepared some.”

I didn’t understand why snacks had become a taboo word in our house. I felt sorry for her, caring so much about me and hyung.

“…I’m sorry about that day. Hyung gets sensitive sometimes. It’s not just with you, stepmother; he’s like that with me too, and even with Father sometimes, though rarely. He glares and talks back. It’s not because you’re our stepmother.”

“…Yeah, I know. The CEO, I mean, Father told me.”

Perhaps uncomfortable that I brought up something we hadn’t discussed openly, Ms. Yoon avoided my gaze.

“Well, we, I mean, I don’t actually call you stepmother, stepmother.”

“Hm? Then what do you call me? Ajumma is fine too. I’m comfortable with that.”

“No, we call you… Ms. Yoon, Manager Yoon.”

“…What?”

Her eyes widened at the completely unexpected title.

“Father sometimes calls you Manager Yoon too, and I, actually… I call you Ms. Yoon, Manager Yoon.”

“What? Manager Yoon?”

Ms. Yoon burst out laughing, incredulous. She probably felt more at ease being Manager Yoon in this house than being a stepmother or ajumma.

Her expression lightened considerably.

“That’s not bad. But I was a manager until I worked under the CEO, and by the time I retired, I was a director. If anything, could you call me Director?”

“We’re more comfortable with Manager Yoon.”

“Me too. Honestly, I am too. Suddenly becoming a mom to grown kids like you feels impossible no matter how I think about it. It’d be impossible for anyone.”

“It’d be awkward even if our real mom came back.”

Ms. Yoon gave a smooth smile, as if grateful for my words.

“But what’s wrong with your cheek?”

“Huh?”

Her hand carefully touched one side of my face.

“It looks a bit swollen here.”

“It’s nothing. I’m not hungry. I’ll wash up and study. I want jjimdak for dinner.”

I brushed it off as nothing.

“Oh, I don’t know how to make that, but don’t worry. We can order it. Just don’t tell Father.”

“Okay, I won’t say a word.”

We exchanged smiles, our hearts connecting. With lighter steps, I dashed up to the second floor.

Hyung came home only after we had nearly finished dinner.

Whatever happened with Ms. Yoon seemed to have slipped his mind, as his expression was indifferent when he saw her. He bowed to her, who was proudly telling Father about the jjimdak she claimed to have made herself, as if it were her own.

He casually greeted Father, who was sharply observing the two of them, saying he was back, and went up to the second floor.

I put down my spoon and got up from the table.

“Thanks for the meal. I’ll head upstairs.”

As if it were a big deal if I didn’t take snacks, Ms. Yoon stood up to follow me.

“Take the snacks.”

“Don’t get up. I ate a lot at dinner, so I don’t think I’ll have snacks.”

“Take them anyway. I don’t want to go upstairs. I’m done worrying about you now and want some free time.”

Father gave Ms. Yoon a disapproving look, as if to say why she had to be so blunt.

“Joonyoung told me to,” she said sulkily to Father, then put the prepared snacks on a tray with milk.

The snacks felt like silent pressure to study past midnight until I got hungry. I grabbed the tray and followed hyung to his room.

When I flung the door open, hyung, who was unbuttoning his shirt, stopped and looked at me. He didn’t like showing his bare body to anyone, even me, in bright light.

“I got my mock exam results.”

“Oh? Your face says you did well.”

He held out his hand, urging me to show him. It was the pose of a tutor. I handed him the report card I hadn’t even shown Father yet.

Hyung checked each score and looked at me. All first grades, with a 1 written in the school rank and class rank columns on the far right.

“Good job.”

His reaction was lukewarm compared to what I expected, but it didn’t matter.

“…Why didn’t you say it was a misunderstanding?”

He looked at me, confused. I grabbed his sleeve and turned him to face me, insisting he look at me at this crucial moment.

“Im Juho, it was all a misunderstanding. You didn’t do that, hyung.”

“…What’s with your cheek?”

His brow faintly furrowed as he stared at the cheek Heo Kyungmin had hit.

“It’s nothing. I bumped into a wall earlier.”

I pressed him to answer my question, saying it wasn’t important.

“You didn’t do that with Im Juho, hyung.”

“I never said it was true.”

“But you let people misunderstand. You let them treat you like a filthy person and just stood there acting like it was true.”

“…”

“Why did you let them misunderstand? Why make me look like a fool? I was so harsh to Im Juho, really awful to him.”

“Why did you do that?”

“Because… obviously, I hated it, hated it so much. How could I not, when he did that with you…”

“Then I guess I shouldn’t have a girlfriend or get married either. Since Joonyoung hates it.”

“That’s not what I mean, it’s not like that, I…”

My heart stung. I was jealous of Im Juho. When I misunderstood them, just seeing the back of Im Juho’s head made unbearable anger and jealousy boil up, making it hard to even stand on my two legs.

Hyung, as if he didn’t care much about it, unbuttoned the rest of his shirt and glanced at me. His eyes signaled for me to leave.

Looking at his chest, I said, “I told you before, do you remember? There’s this delinquent dating Im Juho… He’s famous for saying he’ll become a gangster after graduation.”

“You said it was dirty. Men together, dirty.”

“No, that’s not it! They’ve liked each other since kindergarten.”

“You told me not to do that dirty stuff. I remember that.”

“That was… a mistake because I didn’t understand. I saw them fighting at school today, and it looked like… a lovers’ quarrel.”

“…”

He didn’t respond, showing little interest. He just stopped unbuttoning his shirt, his hand lingering.

“They looked like… lovers.”

“Didn’t it look dirty?”

“No! I… I didn’t know back then. I never thought it was possible. I thought guys together was just dirty.”

“Do you think it’s possible now?”

“Now I think… it’s possible. At first, I thought they were dirty and disgusting. They made me feel weird, and I hated it, but they’re beautiful. Fighting like they’d kill each other, then making up and kissing…”

“…”

“I learned today that when someone likes someone, it looks beautiful.”

“…”

“That’s what love is. I learned that today.”

“Alright, you’ve learned enough, now let me change and leave.”

With an awkward gesture, he turned his head as if avoiding me.

“Do we look like that to others too?”

I asked, facing his back. Hyung didn’t move. His hand, unbuttoning his shirt, stayed frozen on the fabric.

“Do we… look like lovers to others?”

“No.”

He denied it without hesitation, standing in silence. His cold, resolute tone hit me like a blow, making my heart crumble.

My voice trembled as I argued with him, still not turning to face me.

“I… I thought we might be in love too. Juho and Kyungmin liked each other since kindergarten, since they were little. They grew up like brothers… and they liked each other.”

“…”

“Then what are we?”

“…We’re.”

He turned to face me. Buttoning his shirt back up, he stopped speaking. He looked at me, unable to continue.

I thought he’d agree, of course.

That it was love, that we were in love.

That others would see us as beautiful, as lovers, that his heart felt the same way.

Shock blurred my vision, and tears welled up.

“We’re… no, it’s not us. It’s me, committing a sin.”

Thick tears rolled down my cheeks, falling onto my chest.

I couldn’t look at him. If I saw his face, saw the resolute expression of someone defining our relationship as immoral, my knees would buckle, and I’d collapse.

His words were true, but they hurt so much my chest ached. That we were nothing, just a sinful, improper relationship, cut into me like a blade.

“I just… I wanted to apologize to you, hyung. For saying it was dirty, for misunderstanding you…”

“You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the dirty one. You can’t call a guy who does that to his little brother clean.”

“…”

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“…You’re really awful, hyung. You know exactly what I’m saying, you know!”

I was telling him I loved him.

I lifted my tear-blurred eyes. Hyung’s face was hazy. His expression wasn’t good. He looked at me with the face of someone carrying all the world’s worries, concerned for a brother who’d lost his identity as a sibling.

A feeling I hadn’t felt when he did those things to me surged up. I wanted to kill him.

“You shouldn’t have started it in the first place.”

“…”

“If you were going to feel guilty now, you shouldn’t have done it.”

“…”

“Why… why did you make me understand, make me like this, confuse me, and now say it’s not true? What am I supposed to do?”

“You can never handle it.”

“You knew that and started it?”

“If I take all the blame, it’s enough. You just keep misunderstanding me. And keep hating me.”

His eyes, holding me, twisted in pain.

“I don’t hate you, hyung.”

“Don’t say ridiculous things. You don’t hate me? What kind of lunatic ruins his own brother? What kind of crazy bastard!”

He shouted in confusion, not at me but at the dark things lurking inside him. He grabbed his hair, pulling it hysterically and raking it back.

“Think of it as getting caught by a dirty guy. That’s what you need to do. Your brother went crazy and did insane things. Hate me, resent me. Blame it all on me, and you can end it. You can escape this.”

“No.”

“You don’t need to live in this hell too.”

Desperately clinging to reason, his movements pushed me away urgently.

“I said it’s not like that! They looked so beautiful, I was jealous. It wasn’t dirty or bad. They looked like lovers. What’s different about us?”

“We’re not like that.”

“…”

“Don’t delude yourself. We’re not like that.”

His eyes turned terrifyingly cold, piercing me. Each glance felt like an ice-cold blade slicing through my heart.

“I think I love you, hyung. It’s love. This is love.”

“Stop talking nonsense. You’re just confused right now.”

My throat tightened painfully. I couldn’t speak. When I opened my mouth, a whimpering sob escaped. He continued his cold, calculated demeanor toward me, unable to control my emotions.

“I went to school that day to submit my leave of absence.”

He was talking about the day he went to see Mom. The day a junior’s voice, happily calling him, came through the phone. He’d been preparing to cut me off since then.

I stared at him blankly, my knees feeling like they’d give out. Everything in front of me seemed to collapse.

“I’ll tell Father soon too. After your college entrance exam, you’re going abroad.”

“…”

“Forget everything I did.”

Hyung left the room, avoiding me. He left me alone and ran away.

As always when he was confused, he left the house and didn’t return for days.

∞ ∞ ∞

The weekend passed, and it was Monday evening when hyung finally came home. Father must have contacted him, probably scolding him to take responsibility as a brother.

“Let’s talk.”

I grabbed hyung as he headed to his room. I didn’t just hold his arm; I stood in his way.

“I’m tired.”

His face looked terrible, as he said. Not just worn out from exhaustion, but as if he could collapse any moment, barely holding himself together.

“I won’t bother you. Just for a bit, please talk.”

“There’s nothing to say.”

“You cowardly bastard, you’re a bastard! A bad bastard!”

I hurled harsh curses. Falling for him, loving him, wasn’t my choice, nor was it me brainwashing myself to endure the pain of our relationship. I pounded his back and shoulders with both fists. Each hit made his body sway, as if he were taking on all the blame.

“Now you realize that?”

He asked in a weary voice.

Every word, every tone of his voice struck me hard. Looking at him made tears well up again. It wasn’t sadness from his rejection but our situation, inevitable, that brought the tears.

Hyung, who once said he didn’t want to make me cry, wiped his face dryly as he saw my tears wetting my cheeks. His face was stiff with discomfort.

His aimless hand pulled me into the room. He closed and locked the door, ensuring no one could hear our conversation.

That’s what we were. A relationship to be hidden, unspeakable, one we could never call beautiful, and hyung, knowing this, was rejecting me.

“Joonyoung, listen to me.”

“…No.”

“You saw what I’m like. You saw the state I’m in.”

He was talking about the scars on his body.

He said he hadn’t lived sanely, that from the moment he wanted me, his life was a cycle of self-loathing and pain. Suffocated by a decade of self-hatred, he had come to hate even love. Love didn’t look like love to him; it felt like a sin.

“No matter how bad I am, I can’t ruin you. I won’t do anything to hurt you. You’re just confused right now. When someone touches you, yeah, even if it’s not me, you’d react the same way. It can feel good. I… I did something I shouldn’t have.”

He clearly didn’t know what he was saying. He poured out words incoherently. All those desperate words, meant to protect me from ruin, were like blades stabbing me, and he didn’t realize it.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”