MBL 13

“Hic…”

Suddenly, tears and sobs burst out.

He caught his breath and apologized to me.

“I’m sorry. Hyung is sorry. I messed up.”

∞ ∞ ∞

Saturday morning was quiet, with no sound to wake me. There was no phone alarm, no call from Ms. Yoon to come eat breakfast—everything was still.

A breeze slipped through the half-open window. My consciousness slowly stirred.

Blinking, I stared blankly into the void.

Last night, hyung had carried me, too weak to move a finger, to my bedroom, wiped the water off me, changed my clothes, and put me to bed.

The sensation of his lips gently touching my forehead and cheek, as if handling something precious, was my last memory before sleep took me.

I had said it was okay to sleep together, that waking up without him felt strange and empty, but the space beside me was vacant.

As always, he waited until I fell asleep and then left.

The morning sun suddenly felt bright. It was dazzling, so I pulled the covers over my head. The darkness felt much more comforting.

Curled up, I thought to myself.

The morning light must have felt just as bright to hyung.

That light touching his body must have felt like a whip’s lash to him.

He wasn’t so depraved as to sin even under the bright sun.

I hid from the sun under the blanket and cried a little.

I felt sorry for hyung. I hated myself for empathizing with his pain.

Lost in those thoughts, I sniffled, drifted back to sleep, and didn’t wake up until past eleven.

As promised, neither hyung nor Father came to wake me, and the entire house was steeped in silence.

Without tidying my just-woken appearance, I headed to hyung’s room. Knock, knock, I lightly tapped and opened the door.

“…”

The bed was neatly made, as if no one had slept in it, and hyung was nowhere to be seen.

“Hyung, you in there?”

I opened the bathroom door inside his room. The tiles were wet, suggesting he’d showered and left.

Where did he go?

I went downstairs. The creaking of the wooden stairs echoed loudly. The house, already feeling spacious with so few people, seemed desolate.

The golf bag that had been in the foyer was gone. Father must have gone out too. That meant I was alone in this big house.

I picked up my phone and called hyung. The dial tone dragged on, and it took a while for him to answer.

“Hyung?”

—Just woke up?

“Where are you? Did you go out?”

—I had an appointment, so I stepped out for a bit.

“What appointment? When are you coming back?”

—I made breakfast before I left. Did you eat?

His surroundings were noisy over the phone. The bustling chatter made his voice slightly louder.

“No, not yet. I just woke up.”

I plopped onto the sofa, listening closely to his low voice through the phone.

—Eat breakfast, rest a bit, then study. I debated waking you but decided to let you sleep.

“Geez, who’s the one keeping a test-taker from sleeping?”

I jokingly brought up last night’s heated moment. Brushing back my messy hair, I waited for his response.

—…

“Hello? Hyung?”

—Yeah.

“When are you coming back?”

—Might be a bit late.

“How late is a bit late?”

At that moment, I heard the loud sound of a car engine, clear enough to picture its shape.

—Let’s talk later.

It seemed someone was nearby. As he rushed to end the call, I said.

“Father must have gone golfing.”

—I know. He left this morning.

“…There’s no one home right now.”

—…

“It’s just me.”

—…

It was just us. There was no need to stifle moans or worry about someone walking in and making us anxious.

I heard him inhale and exhale. I could almost see the path of his breath through his chest.

Kang Joonwon sunbae! A woman’s voice called his name.

—I’ll call you later.

He hurriedly ended the call.

I stared at the disconnected phone screen.

“…What the hell.”

I knew hyung wasn’t someone who stayed by my side all day, that he was a social person busy with school and band activities, but my lips pursed. It was a rare free weekend for both of us.

“You act like it’s the end of the world if I do anything else.”

He’d said he’d drop everything and focus on me for a year.

But today, when no one was home, he was gone for some appointment, and it made me feel sullen.

The woman’s voice calling him so eagerly was also bothering me. Her bright tone carried an impatience to acknowledge him, full of excitement.

Hyung wasn’t just charming in my biased eyes—he was objectively attractive and accomplished. Im Juho had risked everything, even two-timing Heo Kyungmin, to be with him. If I hadn’t intervened, hyung might have touched and held Im Juho instead of me, struggling to avoid sinning with me.

Even I, who never imagined being with him like this, came to desire his entire being. Others would feel the same, if not more.

At first, I desperately rejected him, thinking we shouldn’t do this. If I hadn’t known he was hurting himself because of me, I might have pushed him away forever.

I didn’t understand my own heart or thoughts.

Suddenly, I missed hyung. Not just casually—I missed him so much my chest ached. My heart, muscles, bones, and flesh tightened painfully.

I realized with a chill how much I missed him, enough to feel physical pain, lying limply on the sofa.

I lay there for a while, then got up mechanically.

As hyung instructed, I ate the breakfast he’d prepared. I slowly ate the cold food and cleared the table.

I started drinking coffee last year. Before that, I couldn’t understand why people paid for something as bitter as graphite.

Even at cafes with friends, I only drank chocolate or strawberry drinks, but as my study load increased, I tried caffeinated drinks to stay awake.

Even then, I avoided coffee, but one day last year, it stopped tasting bitter. It wasn’t just tolerable—it was savory.

Seokju said Americano tasted like barley tea, but it wasn’t like that. It was still bitter and sharp. But since last year, what I once thought was inedible now had a strange, subtle fragrance and felt smooth.

I thought, maybe this is how you become an adult, as I absentmindedly ordered coffee.

I brewed coffee with the capsule hyung liked and went to my room.

I sat at my desk and started studying.

I completed the portion he assigned. Struggling with a problem I couldn’t solve without his help, I finally found the answer after much thought.

I took a picture of my work and sent it to hyung.

[I solved this on my own]

I expected praise, but he didn’t reply to the message or call back as promised.

I sent more texts—when are you coming back, where are you, I’m studying well as you told me, even a picture of me studying. After a while, I scrolled up through the messages I’d sent.

Kang Joonwon—I was like a stalker.

“Why am I so obsessed with where he is? He’s probably somewhere in Seoul.”

Telling myself not to care, I put the phone far away on the desk and buried my head in my book.

“…Okay, multiply the constant here…”

A tear suddenly fell onto the notebook, smudging the letters.

It came out of nowhere.

“…”

My chest ached. Like earlier, when I couldn’t stand his absence, my heart and flesh hurt.

I sobbed stupidly, rubbing my chest, not knowing why it hurt so much.

“Ugh… hic…”

The more I tried to hold it in, the more tears surged.

“Ha… ugh…”

My chest hurt so much I clutched my shirt and collapsed onto the desk.

I wanted hyung to come back quickly, to comfort me and tell me it’d be okay.

No one but hyung could convince me.

I couldn’t even handle this brief absence—how would I survive if he left me after a year?

Tears dripped past my nose onto the notebook.

His independence was already decided. After my college entrance exam, a year from now, he’d leave home.

Honestly, it wouldn’t be strange if he left now. He had plenty of reasons to. Even with Father’s patriarchal ways, there was no reason to stop an adult son who managed himself so well.

Moreover, hyung and Ms. Yoon didn’t get along. Their already strained relationship worsened recently, and he’d hurt her deeply. Father was likely the one who wanted him out the most.

He couldn’t say it openly because of me, the test-taker, but once I got into college, he might tell hyung to leave right away.

Once he got me into college, hyung would have no reason to feel indebted to this house.

It was inevitable that our relationship would end in a year.

Clutching my aching chest as if tearing it apart, I breathed heavily for a while.

I grabbed my phone, staring at the empty message screen with no reply after hours. I waited until the pain subsided, then got up, leaving the workbook open on the desk.

It was almost October, but the late heat lingered, and most people wore short sleeves. I pushed up the sleeves of my long-sleeved shirt. My back was damp with sweat as I walked.

I took the subway to Hongdae and went to hyung’s studio. The door was locked tight, and no matter how much I knocked, there was no response.

It was clear no one was there, but out of stubbornness, I kept banging until a door upstairs burst open. A man with a menacing scowl shouted.

“There’s no one there! Keep it down!”

“Oh… sorry.”

“Geez, so noisy!”

He slammed the door and went back inside.

Next, I headed to the club where hyung’s band regularly performed.

The club was quiet in the Saturday afternoon, not yet open. The idle stillness felt especially empty as I stepped inside. The sound of one person rustling echoed.

“We’re not open yet.”

A familiar female bartender was cleaning, preparing for business.

“Hello.”

I bowed to her.

“Huh? Do I know you? You look familiar.”

“I came here before.”

“You’re not someone I’d easily forget, so why don’t I remember? Why didn’t I? Must not have needed to.”

Muttering to herself, she tilted her head, holding a rag.

“What? I’m Joonwon hyung’s younger brother.”

After pondering, she tossed the rag onto the table, exclaiming in recognition.

“Oh, right, right. Kang Joonwon’s brother. High schooler, right? That’s why I forgot. Yeah, no need to remember a high schooler.”

“Did my hyung come here today?”

“Nope, he hasn’t. Haven’t seen Joonwon in a while.”

She grabbed the rag again, busily wiping tables and chairs.

“You came all the way here to find him? He’s not avoiding your calls, is he?”

“No, he’s just not picking up.”

“Your hyung’s not the type to keep his phone glued to his hand.”

“…You know him well?”

“Anyone in this area who doesn’t know Kang Joonwon is a spy.”

Her words filled me with pride as his brother.

“Is my hyung famous? Is he… popular?”

“Of course. Some fans come from out of town just to see him. He hasn’t quit music, has he?”

“He’s busy with some stuff right now. He’ll start again once it’s done.”

“They were thrilled about a record deal with an agency, but it got delayed because of Joonwon. Something always goes wrong in the indie scene.”

“…”

Grumbling as she cleaned, she suddenly turned to me.

“But he’s not the type to cling to an indie band. Kang Joonwon goes to S University, right? Oh, you’d know better.”

Forgetting I was his brother for a moment, she laughed awkwardly.

“…Do you know my hyung’s girlfriend?”

She straightened up from wiping the remaining tables and answered casually.

“She’s been here a few times, but I haven’t talked to her. Is it urgent? Try calling again. Unless his phone’s off, he’ll pick up eventually.”

I gripped the phone in my pocket tightly. My heart sank and pounded painfully. An unusual pain kept rising.

“He’s not answering…”

“He hasn’t been here. Want the band’s contact? I have the vocalist’s number.”

Assuming I was looking for hyung for something important, she kindly gave me a band member’s number.

It was probably the guy who offered me a drink last time.

His ears were studded with piercings, and his hair was a vibrant mix of brown and green, but it suited him naturally, not awkwardly.

I left the club and called the number she gave me. He didn’t pick up unknown numbers, but on the third try, he answered.

—Who’s this?

His tone asked why I was calling so persistently.

“Uh, hi. I’m Kang Joonwon’s younger brother.”

—Huh?

“Kang Joonwon. I’m Joonwon hyung’s brother.”

—Joonwon? Joonwon’s brother? How’d you get my number?

He asked, bewildered.

“There’s an emergency at home, but hyung’s not answering, so I asked for your number at Klimt.”

—Oh? What’s the emergency? Kang Joonwon’s not picking up?

He didn’t seem too sensitive about personal info and asked without pressing further.

“Yeah, he’s not answering. There’s something at home, and Father told me to find him right away.”

I told an absurd lie.

—That guy quit the band and hasn’t contacted us since. Did you check the studio?

“The one by the playground? I went there, but no one was there.”

—Then I don’t know… what to do.

I hesitated, then asked.

“Do you know my hyung’s girlfriend’s number?”

—Kang Joonwon has a girlfriend?

“Uh, he doesn’t?”

—I don’t know.

“The bartender here said she saw his girlfriend.”

The pain constricting my chest grew worse, almost suffocating. I knew hyung wasn’t the type to toy with me, but my heart raced like crazy.

—Not a girlfriend, probably a school junior.

“Not a girlfriend, a school junior?”

—Joonwon doesn’t have a girlfriend. But it seemed like he liked someone.

“Hyung? He… likes someone?”

—I asked him subtly when we were drinking, and he said he likes someone. Said it was someone he shouldn’t, like a married woman or an affair.

“Oh…”

—I’m curious, but didn’t your dad remarry recently? I heard there’s a stepmom. Could it be her?

“Hey, sorry, but are you crazy? Please make sense. There’s almost a twenty-year age gap between her and hyung.”

The precarious sense of crisis that had been surging transformed into guilt toward hyung, but the man’s words pushed me beyond disbelief and absurdity to outright anger.

His embarrassed cough followed my sharp tone.

—Sorry. Anyway, he kept saying it’s a relationship that can’t happen when he was drunk, so I just thought maybe that’s it. Nothing’s wrong with Joonwon, right?

“It’s not that. He hasn’t answered all day, and Father’s looking for him.”

—That guy hasn’t picked up my calls for over two months. I don’t know either. Is he on bad terms with your dad? He suddenly quit the band, and I told him not to be rash if something’s up, to think it over.

He vented his frustration to me, clearly missing hyung’s presence in the band.

—Honestly, we’re in a tough spot right now. He’s probably fine, but me and the others are betting everything on this contract. You remember when we met? You remember his face?

“Yes.”

Urgently searching for hyung, he instead asked me to persuade him.

—This kind of deal with a major agency isn’t common, and they’re saying they won’t do it without Joonwon. He said there’s some family trouble, so we postponed it, but that’s only until this winter. Is your hyung practicing guitar? He hasn’t been to the studio.

“I don’t know.”

—I heard your dad’s against him doing the band. Is that why?

“Father doesn’t know about his music.”

—Then why’d he suddenly quit? Is this some rich kid’s rebellion? Does he think it doesn’t matter if we crash and burn? Kang Joonwon’s brother, we’re serious. We’re all in.

He pleaded with me, someone who knew nothing, to understand their desperate situation.

“I’ll ask him why he quit.”

—Really? You’ll do that? I’m upset because Joonwon’s quitting the indie scene like this. Find out what’s going on and talk to him gently. Can you let me know? What’s your name again?

“Kang Joonyoung.”

—Alright, Joonyoung. Please, I’m begging you. Call me. I’ll be waiting.

I promised and hung up.

The bustling Saturday streets of Hongdae were tinged with sunset.

Unable to find hyung, I trudged home.

‘A relationship that can’t happen.’

Those words kept echoing in my mind.

If I hadn’t seen what he did with Im Juho and provoked him, we might have remained a relationship that could never happen.

A relationship that can’t happen.

That’s how hyung thought of me.

A relationship that can’t be. One that could never be fulfilled.

“…Joonyoung?”

I looked up. Hyung was closing the driver’s door, having just gotten out of the car.

The person who could never be mine stood there.

The one I’d missed all day. The one I’d frantically searched for, fearing I might never see again, appeared suddenly, and an unconscious wave of exhaustion washed over me.

Joy, resentment, unwarranted anger, and the longing to see him surged all at once.

“Why, why didn’t you answer your phone…?!”

I shouted at him.

As if he’d forgotten, he patted his pockets, then opened the car door and picked up his phone from the passenger seat. Checking the screen, he saw countless missed calls and looked at me.

“Oh…”

“I kept calling! You said you’d call later. Later, you said later… What’s ‘later’ to you? Someone who says they’ll call later might never call!”

Twilight settled, and the surroundings grew dim as night fell.

As I shouted, the streetlights flickered on. Their faint glow cast a long shadow of him. The orange halogen light draped over his startled expression.

“Sorry. I didn’t think. But where are you coming from?”

His apology was too light compared to the worry and anxiety I’d felt all day. I didn’t want to forgive him, even if he knelt and begged, but he apologized casually and asked.

“What about you?”

“What?”

“Where were you?”

“Where were you? I asked first.”

As if asking first gave him some grand right.

“Hongdae.”

“Why there?”

“To find you.”

“…”

“Where were you?”

“Let’s go inside.”

“Where were you? I answered, so you answer.”

“Not here. Go inside.”

He walked toward the gate. The car locked, its headlights flashing menacingly.

He unlocked the door and looked back at me. I stood stubbornly.

“Joonyoung.”

“Where were you?”

The woman’s voice eagerly calling his name, the noisy car engines on the busy street, promising to call after his errands but making me wait all day, making me tremble with anxiety. That anxiety had turned to fear, bordering on panic.

If I hadn’t heard his friend call it a relationship that can’t happen, I might have collapsed helplessly, not knowing how to handle his changed demeanor.

He clearly didn’t know that the cruel, harsh blade of collapse had grazed my neck, narrowly passing by.

“Where were you? You couldn’t even make one call? Were you that busy? So busy you didn’t care about me worrying?”

“I left my phone in the car and didn’t know.”

“Doing what?”

“…”

His chest sighed lightly, sinking into the deepening darkness.

“…Am I a bother now?”

It must be like before, when he left me behind because I was a nuisance. If not, maybe he was trying to disappear from my life before the year was up, despite his promise.

“It’s not that.”

“Sorry for asking like a stalker. But just tell me. Where were you?”

My accusing voice trembled. His troubled eyes met mine as he bit his lip.

Swearing to stay silent, he saw my near-tears and softened, finally speaking.

“…I went to see Mom.”

“What?”

I looked up, puzzled.

“To Sky Park.”

“…”

“…I went to where Mom is.”

He said it casually, as if it was no big deal, in a low voice.

“Why there? We’re going for Chuseok anyway.”

“Just… I suddenly missed her. Don’t you ever feel like that?”

Our real mom passed away in a car accident when he was nine. I was five. I had no memories of her.

Hyung probably remembered her touch, her feel, her scent. Sometimes, he must miss her.

I stared at him.

“Stopped by school to submit some documents, went to Sky Park, and came back.”

Sky Park, where Mom was, was a two-to-three-hour round trip by car. On New Year’s or Chuseok, visiting her took a whole day, and I’d grumbled to Father about skipping it sometimes, feeling it wasted time.

“If it was that, you could’ve taken me.”

“You have that much free time? If I knew you’d waste it, I’d have brought you. I left you alone to study.”

He spoke with a hollow tone.

I rushed to him. I hugged his waist tightly, burying my forehead in his shoulder. The scent, touch, and memories of Mom that hyung missed were, for me, in him. All the memories and moments we’d built since childhood were with him.

Mom’s scent, Mom’s touch, the warmth of the absolute.

“I thought I’d go crazy all day.”

“What… why?”

“Because you weren’t here. It just hurt so much suddenly.”

“…”

“It hurt so much, I couldn’t wait and went looking for you, but you weren’t anywhere. I thought I’d lose my mind.”

“What kind of nonsense is that? Where would I go?”

In the darkness by the wall, we held each other. His hand soothed my anxious back.

“Let’s go inside.”

“Just a bit… a bit longer.”

“Not here, Joonyoung.”

“A bit more.”

“…”

“No. I won’t let go. I don’t want to. If I let go, it feels like you’ll disappear. I’m scared you’ll vanish.”

He let out a deep sigh. His chest rose and fell heavily.

I buried my face in his shoulder, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist. I rubbed against him, trying to imprint his scent and warmth onto my body.

Then, a soft car engine stopped where we stood. The engine cut off, and someone got out.

I tightened my grip on his waist as he flinched. He didn’t push me away, but his spine stiffened, aware of our surroundings.

“What are you two doing here?”

“…You’re back.”

“Is that Joonyoung? Kid, what are you doing to your hyung?”

It was Father. He walked over, spotting us in the dark and frowning.

“I was scared he’d disappear.”

As if recalling my younger self whining and clinging to hyung, Father let out a bewildered chuckle.

“What? Ha, geez. If you love your hyung so much, you should’ve behaved better. Listened to him.”

“Let’s go inside, Joonyoung.”

“You won’t leave, right?”

“I’m not going anywhere. Why do you keep saying that?”

“Father, hyung went to see Mom. To Sky Park.”

I snitched to Father, still clinging to his stiff waist.

Father, rummaging for a cigarette to smoke before going in, looked at hyung, trapped by my grip.

“…You did? Why suddenly?”

“He said he missed her. He suddenly missed Mom. Hyung’s acting weird.”

“…”

Father quietly lit his cigarette. The white smoke curled into the air, carrying a sharp scent.

“Joonyoung, go inside. I need to talk to your hyung.”

“No.”

“What?”

“…Come in soon.”

I let go of my tight grip. Leaving hyung and Father at the gate, I opened the door and went inside.

“Kang Joonwon.”

Father’s low voice calling hyung’s name came from beyond the gate. Instead of going inside, I stood in the garden, and Father spoke to me, hidden behind the door.

“Joonyoung, go inside.”

“…Yes.”

I crossed the garden and entered the house, turning on the living room light.

Sitting on the sofa, I craned my neck toward the garden and the still-closed gate.

I didn’t know what they were talking about, but they stayed outside for a while. After a long time, Father opened the gate first, and hyung followed.

Father put a hand on hyung’s shoulder, patting it encouragingly.

The father and son crossed the garden into the house.

“Had dinner?”

“What’s good about eating out? Just ate something random.”

Hyung’s question was answered as Father went to his bedroom.

I followed hyung, who headed to the kitchen as if it were his duty to prepare dinner.

“What did Father say?”

“The usual. That I’m all you’ve got, that if I mess up, you’ll fall apart too, to stay sharp and be a good hyung.”

He spoke casually, as if he’d heard the same lecture he’d heard a million times.

“Go shower. I’ll make dinner.”

He pointed out my disheveled state, dusty from the city. My sweat must have smelled when I hugged him earlier.

“I’ll shower after dinner. I’ll help you cook.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Shower and come down. I’ll make something tasty.”

His kind words reassured me, but the tension didn’t ease. Hyung, who’d visited Mom, seemed fragile, like a soap bubble about to burst, its edges unclear.

“Alright. I’ll shower and come down quick.”

I said it like a warning not to go anywhere and hurried upstairs. Though no one was chasing me, I stripped and showered. Without drying my wet hair, I returned to hyung.

I wanted to hug his waist right away, but Father was at the table.

“Yoon’s coming back the day after tomorrow. That okay?”

“Oh… already?”

“It’s been over four days. What’s ‘already’?”

Father seemed a bit hurt by my reluctance about Ms. Yoon’s return.

“Just wait a bit. Once Joonyoung’s exams are over, even if you don’t want to leave, I’ll kick you out.”

As if making a firm decision, Father added gruffly, glancing at me and hyung.

I could vaguely guess their conversation outside.

Unaware that hyung truly wanted our family’s collapse, Father probably asked him to endure until I got into college, promising he could do whatever he wanted after.

“If I get into college, can I live with hyung?”

“Depends on the college. If it’s some lousy place and you talk about independence, that’s nonsense. Get into the same one as your hyung, or at least close.”

“So I can live with hyung?”

“Of course.”

Father wasn’t one for empty words. This was as good as an official declaration.

I looked at hyung. He didn’t react to Father’s words, silently preparing dinner.

“Joonyoung, grab some side dishes from the fridge.”

“Okay.”

At hyung’s words, I jumped up, opened the fridge, and took out side dishes. I neatly set spoons and chopsticks on the table.

Sitting across from hyung, who added no thoughts or opinions to Father’s declaration.

“Let’s eat.”

The day’s worries melted away, and I said a vague thanks, picking up my spoon.

∞ ∞ ∞

“Some kids figure it out late. Good job. Keep this up, and you’ll have no problems. Kang Joonwon’s brother’s got some skills.”

I’d guessed from the rough scoring, but getting all 1s was a first. My rank was first in the school.

All 1s in the final mock exam, even with re-takers, was rare. It was a score hyung never missed.

When my homeroom teacher patted my back during morning assembly, I suspected good results, but I hadn’t expected this. I’d just studied more efficiently, and the sudden jump in grades was surprising.

Consultations for the mock exam happened during breaks, lunch, and after class. I went in the afternoon after classes. Im Juho, who met the teacher at lunch, looked upset, so I was quietly hopeful.

The teacher praised me with a proud expression. Knowing hyung and his genius, the teacher used to say there’s no brother like him, even hurting me with constant comparisons.

“Actually, hyung’s been tutoring me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, he’s helping me until the exam. I’m not going to cram school.”

Nothing made me prouder than my hyung. The teacher encouraged me, saying what a great opportunity it was.

Going to the same school as hyung was no longer a pipe dream. It was entirely possible.

If I got into his school, our relationship wouldn’t end in a year—it could start anew.

After being with hyung, seeing Father and Ms. Yoon made me uneasy, but now, separated from them, I didn’t need to feel guilty. Nothing thrilled me more than the idea of just me and hyung existing together.