ASD 15

Among the many factors for judging a person, the most reliable was their gaze. It was one of the few ways of life he had learned from his father. He had said that while gestures, actions, and expressions could deceive, the gaze alone could not. That the eyes were where all of a person’s past deeds, trajectory, and emotions resided.

Growing up, he had met the eyes of countless people. And from them, Gijun could read all sorts of desires.

Men who had flocked from all over the country in pursuit of empty glory. On the surface, they were all friendly to Gijun, but the inner thoughts he read were all different. There was blatant disregard for the still-young Gijun. There was assessment, a sizing up of whether Chairman Ki’s son had what it took to swallow the organization. Conversely, there was even flattery, trying to get on the good side of a mere student.

The desires residing in the gazes of the women who sold alcohol, their bodies, and their laughter were different still. There was a precarious l**t, and also an emotion similar to motherly affection. They sometimes saw Gijun, who had grown much taller than his peers, as a man, or as a son.

It wasn’t much different with his classmates. They were generally friendly to Gijun. Some guys idolized him, but among them, a few who knew about Gijun’s family looked at him with disgust. Still, they weren’t as complicated as the adults who smiled to your face while plotting to stab you in the back.

Gijun judged others based on the gut feelings he got from meeting their gazes, and he trusted his intuition that came from it.

And when Gijun looked into Yoon Gawon’s eyes, he felt that the kid was of the same kind as him.

There was no basis, but he was certain. Things that were not visible at first gradually became clear. His instincts, sharpened like a beast’s from growing up through times that were anything but smooth, kept crying out that the kid was standing in the same place as him. Perhaps that was why he was even more drawn to him.

Yoon Gawon’s eyes were clean but empty. And yet, they made the viewer choke up with loneliness. The kid’s eyes themselves were like tears. Transparent and beautiful, but what lay at their foundation was, in the end, sorrow.

Yoon Gawon was raised by such a mother. Beautiful and rough, but in reality, lonelier and more thirsty for affection than anyone. So it was only natural that the kid would have such eyes.

Gijun now understood the solitude and loneliness in Yoon Gawon’s face, the self that pretended not to be but was in fact thirstier for attention and affection than anyone else.

It was an understanding that came from the heart, not the head. It was a feeling through his skin, his heart, not a simple assessment. Because that kid grew up in the same gutter as him. Because he knew all too well that it was impossible to grow up normal and fulfilled like other kids in a place like this.

If he were to admit to the sense of security that came from the fact that the kid was a person from the same world as him… would that make him a vile person? Yoon Gawon is having such a hard time because of that fact, yet he feels that way.

And yet, he couldn’t deny it. The feeling that because he grew up in a gangster family, Gawon wouldn’t look at him strangely like other kids.

He liked the kid named Yoon Gawon. Because he was cute when he munched on his food, because he smiled more than he thought, and because he was pretty. He liked the way he pushed him away, and yet timidly pulled him in.

He liked the faint smell of soap that came from him, the way he walked quietly, and the moment he cautiously grabbed his arm.

And, he liked the fact that he and that kid were of the same kind.

In the face of all those feelings, the kid’s gender was not an issue. It was an unfamiliar situation and emotion, but he was ready to accept Yoon Gawon and his own feelings, which were gradually becoming clearer and more distinct. So Gijun willingly decided to continue his exploration.

*

The last period was over. The classroom, which had been in a half-asleep state, came alive with energy as the class was about to end. Everyone waited for the end-of-day announcements, busily packing their bags and raising their previously dead voices to chatter.

Gawon, who had been keeping his eyes on his notebook the whole time, lifted his head. Naturally, his eyes fell on the back of Gijun, who was sitting at the very front. Nod, nod. The broad back shook slightly each time his head drooped. Despite the noisy atmosphere, the kid was stubbornly dozing off.

Gawon let out an unconscious chuckle. He’s dozing off again today. He ate a ton for lunch and even played a round of soccer, he must be tired.

Then again, if you eat and move around as much as Gijun, you’re bound to get sleepy. Does he go to bed late at night? Is his training that strenuous?

I think he said it was mixed martial arts, I wonder what that’s like. Something like kickboxing? I’ve only ever seen him play soccer or basketball, so it’s hard to imagine. His fists are big, his thighs are thick, and his whole body is full of muscle, so something like martial arts would suit him…

…What am I doing right now?

Startled, Gawon reined in the train of thought that had been stretching out unconsciously. Lately, his mind had been filled with more and more useless, stray thoughts. This was all Gijun’s fault, for constantly pestering him from the side.

Just today… he bought him bread and milk in the morning, and as soon as second period was over, they went to the school store together. They ate together during lunch break too. And when the end-of-day announcements were over, he would probably ask him to leave together. Though their ways home were different, and he would never let Gijun walk him to his house, so they would part ways quickly.

No matter how much he pushed him away, it was no use. Like a large dog that wags its tail and pesters its mean owner even more no matter how much it’s kicked, Gijun kept pushing forward with his unique, sly attitude. Should I call it thick-skinned, or shameless? He didn’t get discouraged or hurt even when he was harshly pushed away and glared at hatefully.

It wasn’t as if Gijun was like that with everyone either. In fact, his attitude toward other kids was the complete opposite, which was baffling to watch.

Like a magnet that attracts objects, there were always people around him. And yet, watching Gijun surrounded by them, Gawon always felt as if the kid was alone. Like oil that floats on water without mixing, Gijun was clearly pushing others away with a smile on his face, isolating himself.

But whenever he had that feeling, Gawon would silently shake his head. It must be an over-the-top assumption.

Even the guys were crazy about him and followed him around, what more needed to be said about the girls. In reality, whenever they were together, Gijun’s phone rang constantly. Even if he put it on silent as if annoyed, the screen would flash without rest. He was different from him, who only used his phone to browse second-hand markets or set his morning alarm.

…But a guy like that, why on earth would he bother with someone like me?

It was a question he had asked himself dozens of times since he started spending time with Gijun. But Gawon still didn’t know the answer. It was obvious to anyone that he treated him differently from other kids, he knew that fact so clearly now that he couldn’t even doubt it. But he still didn’t know the reason why.

The homeroom teacher came in and tapped the lectern, and Gijun groggily lifted his head. The way he stretched his arms wide and yawned languidly was just like a lion waking from a nap.

“My, my. Did you have a good sleep? Your face is very nice—ly creased, you know?”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Look at this punk, his voice is all hoarse.”

Gijun chuckled and sheepishly touched the back of his neck. The corners of Gawon’s mouth drew a faint curve. As he listened to the short, routine announcements, his heart pounded for no reason. He wanted to quickly get a look at that “very nicely creased” face. Maybe I’ll tease him about it when he comes over later… He was thinking that far when.

“Ah, and the kids in arts and physical education. Come with me to the faculty office for a moment. Gijun and… Shim Woohyun. Kim Yoongi.”

“Yeees.”

Gijun rose from his seat at the front. His overwhelmingly large body shot up in an instant. While the homeroom teacher, who had called out the three of them, was leaving through the front door, Gawon’s gaze was drawn to a crumpled note that had slipped out of Gijun’s pocket.

What’s that? If it was just trash, he would have thrown it away already instead of putting it in his pocket. Gawon tilted his head. He didn’t know what it was, but he thought it would be best to pick it up before someone stepped on it. Gawon quickly moved to the front seat and discreetly picked up the note.

The moment he was about to put the paper in his pocket.

Gawon’s indifferent gaze caught a word that should not have been written there.

“……”

The palm of his hand grew cold with alarming speed.

Gasping for breath, Gawon first looked around. After confirming that no one was paying him any attention, he quietly unfolded the crumpled note.

[Why bother studying? You’re just going to end up in a brothel like your mom anyway]

His vision blurred. His heart pounded like a drum. Each and every stroke of the characters was driven into Gawon’s heart like a large nail.

The breath caught painfully in his chest, unable to be properly exhaled. He quickly pounded his chest with his fist and crumpled the note, stuffing it into his pocket.

It’s not like this is the first time I’ve been subjected to such low-quality ridicule. But why is it so hard today? Why does it hurt so much that it’s frightening…

The fact that this note came from Gijun’s pocket didn’t make him suspect him in the slightest. It was clearly Heo Yeonggyu’s handwriting. Perhaps Gijun had intercepted a note that Heo Yeonggyu was trying to pass to him. Even as he made that clumsy guess, his mind went blank.

It was a rumor that had spread so far that there was no one who didn’t know. Heo Yeonggyu had been relentlessly spreading it since first year. No, there had always been guys like Heo Yeonggyu even in middle school. So it was a fact that there was nothing new to be ashamed of now.

And yet, his face flushed hot. He felt wretched, miserable. He had wished that Gijun, of all people, wouldn’t find out this fact. How futile that wish had been. It was a fact that could be so easily discovered by a single note like this.

…Gijun, that kid is nothing to me anyway. So there’s no reason to feel this way. But why…

Even as he desperately denied it, he couldn’t deny the fact that his heart ached. His eyelids grew shamefully hot, and Gawon took a deep breath and clenched his teeth.

“…Yoon Gawon?”

Just then, he heard a clear and fresh voice right in front of him. Quickly s**king in his breath, Gawon slowly opened his eyes.

The heat still lingering on his eyelids wouldn’t cool down easily, so Gawon whipped his head around. He was about to quickly turn and leave when his shoulder was gently held.