ASD 12

He pushed the key into the door handle and turned it, making a rusty sound. When he pushed the old door open, the strong scent of perfume that had pooled inside wafted out.

It seemed his mother had left a little late today. Gawon put down his bag and took off his school uniform. The hot water wasn’t working well today. He finished his shower, shivering, came out, and layered on two, then three pieces of clothing.

He washed the dishes his mother had used and boiled a full kettle of water for the next day. Usually, around this time, Gawon would also have dinner, something like instant ramen or a triangle gimbap, but today there was no need. He was full thanks to the snacks he had eaten with Gijun earlier.

He looked at the clock and saw it was already a little past 10. Wondering if there was anything worth getting, he habitually opened a second-hand market app. Just then, a pair of sneakers that looked almost new was posted, and he happily clicked on it.

However, the price the seller was asking was 40,000 won, and the money Gawon could spend was far short of that. In the end, he closed the app with a feeling of regret. The reason he suddenly felt ashamed of the hole-ridden sneakers he always wore with a stoic face, even though he knew the other kids whispered about them, was obvious.

‘Can I have your number?’

The gentle smile and the deep dimples. The clear and wonderful voice. And the spring breeze that just happened to be blowing at that very moment, distracting his heart.

“…Hah.”

Why was it? Why had he so easily forgotten the countless resolutions he had made about Gijun? Why had he impulsively handed over his phone when asked for his number?

Perhaps it was because the wind that blew in the place where the unusually cold winter had passed was so warm, because it just so happened to be near the library, considered the most beautiful spot in the school, and because Gijun smiled at him so foolishly…

That must have been why. Gawon needlessly blamed those things. Just then, Vzzzt, his phone gave a short shudder. Startled, Gawon almost dropped it.

Gijun

[Did you get home okay after studying?]

Seeing the name he had saved earlier made his fingertips tingle. His heart pounded for no reason. Gawon blinked rapidly and subconsciously flipped his phone face down. But that only lasted a moment; it didn’t even take three seconds for him to turn the screen back on and read the message again.

What should I do? Should I reply? Since I gave him my number so readily, replying is the natural thing to do, right? After wrestling with a ridiculously trivial concern, Gawon finally made up his mind and typed a message.

[Yeah. Did you have a good workout?]

…Gawon, having written that without thinking, hesitated, unable to send the message easily. He read it two, three times, and it was just a normal conversation, but his message seemed overly friendly. Gawon deleted the whole thing and wrote it again.

[Yeah.]

When he tried to keep the reply simple, it looked too insincere. What’s a natural thing to say in this situation… Racking his brain for a brief moment, Gawon managed to add one more word. After much thought, he pressed the send button and read his message one more time.

[Yeah. You?]

This much… seemed neither too insincere nor too cringey. Reading it over two, three times, it didn’t seem bad.

His heart was still pounding for no reason. It’s probably because it’s been so long since I’ve exchanged messages like this with a peer, no, with anyone at all.

Gawon was smiling bitterly and looking down at his phone. A reply came not even a few seconds after he sent the message.

Gijun

[I just finished my workout and am on my way home]

Gijun

[I’m hungry lol]

Gawon let out an unconscious “Heh” and laughed. The impression he had earlier was repeated exactly. This kid’s digestive power is really… at this point, it didn’t seem like an exaggeration that he could probably chew up a tank and find it delicious. Unlike before, when he had worried and hesitated for so long, the second reply was a bit easier.

[Hurry home and eat dinner. What are you going to eat?]

Gijun

[Um.. just whatever the housekeeper makes lol]

Gawon, who had been exchanging messages with a faint smile, paused for a moment. Housekeeper… So he has someone who cooks for him separately.

For no reason, his mouth tasted bitter. Gawon deliberately lifted his eyes and looked around his home. The old room where the chill seeped into his bones despite it being March, the dirty wallpaper stained with cockroach poison here and there, and his own single pair of sneakers with a hole in them.

Gawon unconsciously wiggled his toes. It felt as if someone had thrown cold water on his heart, which had been floating on air for no reason.

[Enjoy your meal. I’m going to bed now]

After sending that message, Gawon put down his phone and closed his eyes. He felt foolish for getting excited on his own and then disappointed on his own. While Gijun only showed him goodwill, he was comparing his own situation to Gijun’s and shrinking away.

You’re pathetic, Yoon Gawon… This is why you have no one around you.

Muttering to himself out of habit, Gawon turned off the light and pulled the blanket, its cotton filling all flattened, up to his neck. The weight of the night when he had to go to sleep alone felt bitterly heavy today.

In the darkness, the phone lit up again. Short vibrations rang out consecutively. The desire to see the message was greater than his deflated feelings, so Gawon fumbled and picked up his phone again.

Gijun

[Good night, Gawon]

Gijun

[See you tomorrow.]

Gawon read the messages several times. Was it because of Gijun, who followed him around like a puppy no matter how much he rejected and pushed him away? He could automatically picture Gijun’s face smiling as he said those words.

Vzzt, Vzzt. The fact that the notification of the two messages, the low and warm voice of Gijun contained within them, had lightened the weight of the dark and heavy night was a secret Gawon tucked away in his heart.

[Yeah you too.]

He sent a concise reply. In the darkness, Gawon took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

*

Gijun put his phone in his pocket and started moving his feet again, which had stopped. After saying good night, there was no more reason to look at his phone. He had been lightly jogging home to get some more cardio in when he suddenly thought of Yoon Gawon and decided to contact him.

‘What’s with that guy, why is he grinning like that today.’

‘Director, he’s laughing while hitting people. He seems like a psychopath.’

All afternoon, Gijun had to listen to what was not quite a reprimand. Seongjun hyung and Junhyeong hyung, whom he was sparring with, had been clamoring about why he seemed so happy today. Had he really been smiling like such a fool? Gijun felt sheepish and rubbed his headgear with his gloved hands.

He must have been waiting, actually. From the moment he got Gawon’s number near the library, until now. For this moment of exchanging messages with Gawon.

[I’m hungry lol]

Even to him, it was a silly thing to say. For Gijun, who had almost never reported such trivial things to anyone.

After finishing his workout with his hyungs, even if he was really hungry, he didn’t make a point of saying it. His hyungs had tempted him countless times to grab a meal before going, but Gijun had always stubbornly chosen to go home and eat alone.

An empty house with no one in it had been a daily reality as natural as air for Gijun since he was very young. Gijun knew well that eating with his hyungs would be much less boring than being cooped up at home alone.

Nevertheless, the reason he always refused their offers was because of the obvious premonition that if he hung out with them outside the gym, he would naturally be absorbed into their world.

In middle school, he had hung out with them a few times without knowing any better, but as he got older, he decided he shouldn’t. He didn’t want to prove through his actions that the world his hyungs played in and the world he had belonged to since birth were essentially the same.

Drinking, smoking, recklessly riding motorcycles, and getting into gang fights in packs might still look cool to immature kids his age, but not to the current Gijun. Showing that side of himself to his father would do nothing to help his case in the prolonged battle between his father and himself.

But he sent that kind of text to Gawon. In fact, that message contained a small hope. He had intended to suggest they grab a late-night snack together if Gawon said he was hungry too. Just like how they ate snacks together after school earlier, a desire to spend more time with him had arisen.

[Hurry home and eat dinner.]

[Enjoy your meal. I’m going to bed now]

But Gawon drew a line, somewhat firmly. Gijun smiled bitterly. Looks like I have no choice but to go home. He had almost bothered Gawon by tactlessly suggesting a late-night snack.

Still, should I try asking him to meet up at night next time? Gawon seems to study late too, so wouldn’t he be hungry when he leaves school?

The udon from the food stall near the gym is delicious. Or should I take him to the hamburger joint near the school? If he doesn’t like that either, we could just have coffee, and if not that, then…

…Actually, we don’t even have to eat a late-night snack. If I can just sit across from him. If I can just sit and watch that face, which cracks slightly and sometimes bears a faint smile whenever I act silly and say nonsensical things.

‘What on earth am I… thinking.’

Gijun, who had been running with a regular stride, suddenly gasped for breath. The pattern of his inhales and exhales was suddenly messed up.

It was because it suddenly felt unfamiliar. This version of himself, so desperate to create even one more point of contact with that kid.

Come to think of it, had he ever wanted to get this close to someone before?

For Gijun, human relationships were something he found not just abundant but even bothersome. Although he had never felt the warm affection of his parents, he had never been starved for human contact. There were plenty of connections to kill time with in a light and frivolous way. He could always resolve any loneliness.

Clinging to someone, being clingy. Being desperate to meet someone just one more time. To the point that the motive for this, which had gone beyond simple stubbornness, had now become a much deeper sincerity.

All of this was a first for Gijun. So it was unfamiliar and confusing, but it wasn’t all that bad.